Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 ··· 7 8 9 ··· 13 14

Original poster

to wonder why so many people don't get married before having DCs?

342 replies

EveWasFramed · 03/05/2010 10:43

I promise, this isn't meant to be judgemental!! But, my DH and I grew up in pretty traditional families, where you got married first BEFORE having kids...it was kind of a negative thing to do otherwise.

I wanted to get married before my DCs just because I thought there should be some kind of (legal) committment to make it more difficult for one of us to bugger off if we got fed up...if kind of 'makes' us work things out if we ever run into any problems.

Don't know...thoughts, please? I am curious...

OP posts:

MrsC2010 · 03/05/2010 19:26

I agree that getting married first was the right thing to us...it wouldn't have occured to us to try for children before we were married. Obviously if I had gotten pregnant before we tied the knot it wouldn't have been the end of the world! It was just the right thing to us. I do have one pair of friends with children who aren't married (I guess we;re all old school traditionalists!)...the only thing I find bizarre about it is that they give their reason as being that they're not ready for it yet. I only find this strange in that to me, having a child with someone is the biggest commitment you can make...it truly binds you to that other person for life. You have created a whole human being who will look to you etc. A marriage can be dissolved fairly easily, a child can't. So to be ready for children but notmarriage strikes me as odd.

But as for just deciding that marriage isn't for you isn't a big deal in my eyes. Legally wills etc can make up for the lack of 'paperwork' (as far as I know?) so I acknowledge it isn't for everyone. To me it was always going to be where a serious, long-term relationship would head. I always knew I would get married, but it wasn't until I met DH that I felt 'ready' for it or that it seemed like the natural next step. We hadn't been together long when we got engaged (1 yr) and got married 6 months later...not as long as some I know but absolutely the right thing for us. 1 yr later I'm pregnant with our first. It was just right for us, not for everyone though of course.

staranise · 03/05/2010 19:27

Thanks NOtanOtter - wills weren't really the issue, it was more about access to intensive care etc if you aren't a blood relative or a spouse (though policies may have changed since my experience and I think they differ from hospital to hospital anyway).

Plus we thought it would be easier legally regarding parental responsibility if one of us died very suddenly - getting married seemed simpler than sorting it out with a solicitor etc.

As you can see, I've never equated romance/love with marriage!

MrsC2010 · 03/05/2010 19:28

Oh, and it still felt weird going home and telling my parents that I was pregnant despite being 28 and married...I can't imagine how much weirder it would have felt had I not been married! That says more about me than the status of marriage though...

marantha · 03/05/2010 19:51

But Missus84, if a heterosexual couple marry in a register office (as I did when I foolishly married) they are effectively to all intents and purposes forming a civil partnership.

mamasparkle · 03/05/2010 20:02

Ooh motherinferior,you definitely have issues- and seems like you're 'just not that into' your dp!

OnnaStick · 03/05/2010 20:22

Eve - you said "if you're living as a married couple, with everything that goes along with that, then what's the difference between having the legality/formality/etc... and not having it, IYSWIM?? "

Exactly. No difference. So what's the point?

OnnaStick · 03/05/2010 20:23

MotherInferior - haven't seen your name around Mumsnet for ages. Without a doubt my favourite Mumsnet nickname.

marantha · 03/05/2010 20:24

I am an atheist so I didn't marry for religious reasons. I suppose the reason I married was to make a declaration that my husband and I wished to be seen as a couple.
It sounds unromantic, but I didn't expect anyone else to care enough about whether or not we really were a "couple" in the event of one us dying unexpectedly and so on- why should they waste their time on such issues?- and had to explicitly declare it.

That to me is what marriage is- a declaration you make that you are a couple with someone else, because let's face it, who else knows/cares what two adults do behind closed doors? And, to be really, really cynical, when it comes to financial matters- people/companies will argue black and blue that two people WEREN'T actually a couple if finding that they were means shelling out dosh.

MilaMae · 03/05/2010 20:53

Dp and I have been together 20 years(3 dc) but not married -are we the longest?

I never had a burning desire to be married.I had a burning desire to find a nice bloke,long relationship and have kids all of which I have but not the wedding thing.

Both our parents have been together for a long time(since they were teenagers)so long relationships are what we know. Dp's sister has been with her partner 20 years they got married last year as they have investments and things (sadly we don't,other than the house which is jointly owned)then went to Tescos. My sister has been with her partner 5 years and got married last year. We're all equally committed.To be honest I think it's the pull of the person and children that makes people stay together not marriage.

DP and I are both very unshowey people and a wedding in which we'd be the 2 starring centre stage petrified both of us to begin with (however small) so we kept procrastinating. Then we realised actually we didn't have to so we didn't even think about if for a loooong time. Now we think we will one day for widows benefit,if we can think of a non sterotypical way of doing it that doesn't involve the 2 of us being on show.

I think these threads are rude-sorry op.It's like saying to somebody gay-"why are you gay?" To be frank I'm suprised in 2010 that a small minority are so interested in other peoples relationships.I'm not the least bit interested in why people are married as all couple have different dynamics. It's nosey and I'm suspecting the reason op's start these threads is because they are just the tiniest bit judgemental otherwise why the interest?

spiritinthesky · 03/05/2010 20:58

I find myself nodding agreement at Amarantha

Many years ago I studied Transactional Analysis, and one thing I remember because it made a big impression on me was when the tutor told us that putting promises into words and declaring them publicly gave them validity, and when couples who are unmarried have difficulties - infidelity,bad treatment of each other,meaness - you cannot claim a betrayal.

No promises were made, so there was no betrayal either.

I think this means that for your emotional health, you shouldnt make assumptions about each other,but say prescicly what your expections are.

Marriage also holds huge cultural significance,which you simply cannot pretend doesnt exist and does affect society's attitude to couples.

NotanOtter · 03/05/2010 21:01

milae - we are 21 in november

MilaMae · 03/05/2010 21:02

Damn!!!!

Ryoko · 03/05/2010 21:03

I've been engaged for 6 and a half years and been living with him for 6, we are expecting a child any day (it's over due).

We kind of put getting married on the back burner long ago after we found out we couldn't get married where we wanted to because they didn't have a license.

I don't think it matters and it doesn't make any difference to if someone is going to run off or not, my grand dad was never married to my Grandma because he was all ready married with a family he just walked out on.

Original poster

EveWasFramed · 03/05/2010 21:09

Why can't I be interested, MilaMae? Why is it judgemental to want to myself out of a small mindset by talking to other people about their lives? Why is it so bad to wonder something about the people that I frankly don't know a whole lot about, but with whom I spend at least a little bit of my day? I'm not trying to be rude. I had a genuine question, and wanted to engage in some conversation.

If you thought the post was rude, why did you respond, and with so much information?

OP posts:

Original poster

EveWasFramed · 03/05/2010 21:13

spiritinthesky you've said what I've been trying to think of all day...there is a level of accountability when you actually have the committment/marriage ceremony. When you say those words, in front of other people, you have to take some responsibility for what you are saying.

Thanks for saying that!

OP posts:

MilaMae · 03/05/2010 21:13

I responded so you can see what a pointless question it is. It's 2010, an awful lot of people aren't married-big deal, what is there to wonder about?

Original poster

EveWasFramed · 03/05/2010 21:18

Have you actually read any of my other posts in this thread, Mila? I am merely interested...what is it to you? You responded with a whole load of information about your own life, then dismissed me. If you don't care about this thread and think it's pointless, then hide it, and go on to something more meaningful.

OP posts:

NotanOtter · 03/05/2010 21:18

it does raise my heckles a wee bit

dp and I love one another very very much - no one is resisting - we just live our happy family life - in love and together

NotanOtter · 03/05/2010 21:19

hackles

seeker · 03/05/2010 21:21

Sorry, notanotter and mila - 29 years in September!

NotanOtter · 03/05/2010 21:28

grrrrrrrr!

cory · 03/05/2010 21:36

I am totally committed to dh and he to me- but we still only got married to keep I
HMs immigration officers happy. Otherwise, living in sin would have done me fine.

Can't imagine a greater commitment than having children together anyway.

staranise · 03/05/2010 21:38

But the point is that though the public/cultural significance of marriage clearly is important for some people, for others it does not matter a jot (me included, despite a religious and 'traditional' background).

I just don't agree that a marriage ceremony means that there is automatically a greater level of commitment - certainly nothing equivalent to having children or even a mortgage. Some of my friends who had the showiest and largest weddings are now getting divorced.

Your wedding vows clearly are very important to you Eve but to me, there are utterly irrelevant to my life with and commitment to DH (with or without children).

usualsuspect · 03/05/2010 21:50

33 years unmarried here

Original poster

EveWasFramed · 03/05/2010 21:57

I don't disagree with you star...I've said as much in a few other posts. I don't need for everyone to feel the same way about their level of committment that I do, that's not why I asked.
For me, if it had only been about legal stuff, there wouldn't have been any point really, so it had to be about more than that for me to be really compelled to do it. That doesn't work for everyone, obviously!

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 ··· 7 8 9 ··· 13 14