to wonder why so many people don't get married before having DCs?

[EveWasFramed]

I promise, this isn't meant to be judgemental!! But, my DH and I grew up in pretty traditional families, where you got married first BEFORE having kids...it was kind of a negative thing to do otherwise.

I wanted to get married before my DCs just because I thought there should be some kind of (legal) committment to make it more difficult for one of us to bugger off if we got fed up...if kind of 'makes' us work things out if we ever run into any problems.

Don't know...thoughts, please? I am curious...

I've thought about this discussion a lot today - Very interesting,hearing all the different views & experiences

I hoped an anthropologist would come along and explain why every culture has a ritual, a ceremony ,when a man & a woman get together to breed.How their culture supports and celebrates their union and lays down structures about fidelity and care in old age etc.

Surely there must be good and proven reasons for the tradition of a marriage as being a secure nest to raise your young?

Living together without marriage is such a new phenomenom,in the great scheme of things,and much less common in non-consumer societies.It will be interesting to see how it all pans out as time rolls along.

I'd love to be married. Why don't you ask this question to my ex bf who fucked off when I was pregnant? If he''d asked me I'd have said yes but he didn't so there.

Spirit many non married couples provide a secure nest to raise their young.

I take offense to this presumption that just because a couple isn't married they don't provide security. Many, many non married couples are just the same as married couples the only difference being they just choose not to be married. As we've seen on this thread non married couples are just as capable of sustaining a long and happy relationship.

Many,many married couples split up hence rocketing divorce stats.

Marriage doesn't guarantee you anything certainly not a secure nest in which to raise young

As I believe in marriage, to me, marriage IS special. Marriage did not change the way we lived (we were co-habiting before marriage), it was children which drastically altered things. But marriage, in my case before children, altered the nature of my feelings for dh, very subtly but significantly. And I believe for him as well.

We don't take it lightly, the right to call each other husband and wife. There is something in making a public statement before all our family and friends. I feel so proud to be part of this couple that has a recognised status in society. I am proud to bring children into our marriage.

I don't know many couples who have children without first getting married. It is weddings followed quickly or not so quickly by children. I can't help but feel the few couples I knew who had children outside of marriage just fell into it - but perhaps that is an impression.

Fell into it,why would anybody just fall into marriage?

Society doesn't dictate anymore that you need to get married after having kids.

I am married to my DH. We did not live together before so it was the natural thing for us to do. I am glad that I am his wife and he is my husband. My children and I have his surname. I enjoyed changing my surname (not that my old one was bad!), I like the fact that he and I have the same name for our team! I am not a chattel or his property - although I am his, and he is mine. I am feisty and opinionated but chose to say 'obey' in my vows as he had to say he would love me and as far as I was concerned he wouldn't ask me to do anything that I wouldn't want to do because he loves me. More than a decade later this has proved to be correct. It has not always been rosy but we have a very happy life.
I can't comment on nonmarried life as I have never experienced it, and I know many people who have lived as happily as me without being married.
However, I must admit that, as a teacher I don't always know what to call someone's mum if the parents aren't married..."Mrs, Miss, Ms....eh...Soandso's mum.." - obviously this is not a good enough reason to get married!!!

milamae, fell into having children outside of marriage ...

No...staranise...it isn't a moral issue. What I meant was that there are obviously many people who don't believe in the marriage part, but who do believe in the committment, the devotion all the important parts of a relationship, and no relationship, no matter how good, is going to make them want to get married. I respect that, because I think society makes it hard to make that choice, but if you can live your life the way you want to, without caving to what society thinks you 'should' do, because it has higher value in a society (I do think marriage is more valued than un-married partnerships from a societal standpoint, and most certainly from a legal one), then that makes you a strong person.

Basically...if you don't believe in marriage, if you think it's meaningless, then don't do it...stand by what you believe in, don't just give up because it's easier.
I can't even say that my own marriage was out of any moral obligation, I just love him...and I wanted to get married. To him, specifically.

this isn't meant to be judgemental 'BUT'
nuff said

have you read it all, ninah?? I think not...

Errr yes Blueshoes that is a mighty big assumption-7 years of ttc and IVF here,no just falling into it.

I think you're living in the dark ages,I know soooo many unmarried couples and I can't think of one couple who didn't plan their dc. Many of us where together with our partners for a long time before too. Dp and I were together 14 years before our first.

It's pretty easy to get contraception down my neck of the woods so not sure where all these couples live who just fall into having kids.

Sorry were (spent too long doing dd's spellings this evening)

I haven't read it all

I am extremely proud of my relationship and our five children

quite proud of the other one as well despite the fact that we 'fell' into having him

I don't need to be recognised by society - really don't. I feel secure in the fact that our relationship works

Oddly amongst my group of friends I am one of very few unmarrieds - the tone of a lot on this thread really makes me question whether or not I would be welcomed as a friend by some of you

leaves a bad and judgemental taste. Heaven help any of you ending up in the divorce courts

NotanOtter...I hope it's not been a wholly unfriendly thread...I know there was some debate, but I feel like overall, it's been a discussion of viewpoints and beliefs. I don't want anyone to feel attacked, though I suppose I probably shouldn't have posted this on AIBU...maybe it's too controversial for this particular area??

3babesful - i think the normal convention in schools is that you call the parent mrs/mr childs surname unless you are informed otherwise

it doesnt matter whether or not they are married

then its up to the parent to say " Actually its Ms/ Dr/ Professor Jones " etc

and from notanotter's post I am glad I haven't read it all
controversial? hardly
same old, same old

Chill Milamae, just reciting my experience. Which is not the same as yours. Clearly.

i see ninah

I meant unfriendly/judgmental comments on unmarried relationships
this is hardly a new premise is it (see daily mail)

lots of people dont get married these days cos they would lose their benefits. unromantic but true.

beats getting married for tax breaks eh??

x-posted notanotter