to wonder why so many people don't get married before having DCs?

[EveWasFramed]

I promise, this isn't meant to be judgemental!! But, my DH and I grew up in pretty traditional families, where you got married first BEFORE having kids...it was kind of a negative thing to do otherwise.

I wanted to get married before my DCs just because I thought there should be some kind of (legal) committment to make it more difficult for one of us to bugger off if we got fed up...if kind of 'makes' us work things out if we ever run into any problems.

Don't know...thoughts, please? I am curious...

We might be married but I don't feel 'tied' to DH because of that. I'm with him because I want to be, he doesn't own me just because we got married. The children we have had together are a much bigger commitment than a marriage.

We got married after 11 years together, so needless to say it was clear that the relationship 'worked' was successful and that it would take something major to tear us apart, dd was 2 at the time and it was nice she could be there too.

See, unmarried couples who stay unmarried makes far more sense to me. It really shows that neither of you believes in the institution and are just fine without it. Fair play.

As long as you're happy, secure and confident with your own situation - that's all that matters. No need to make disparaging remarks about others' situation just to make your own seem better though. All hell would break loose if someone said something disparaging about all the single mums at the school gate - they'd rightly be looked at as vindictive / snobby / judgemental....

I agree 5DollarShake, there are a hell of a lot of generalisations in this thread!

I am judgemental too - no denying it. But certain remarks can just make you look a little defensive / protesting too much, which sort of defeats the purpose.

Yep me too, but only about something that is important to me. Other folks relationship status doesn't mean a thing to me, nowt to do with me.

I'm sure it's a lovely institution. I just don't want to live in an institution.

Ooooh I'm REALLY defensive, but I pretend I'm not so that I don't appear to be a defensive twat. I'm well aware that only makes sense to me!

I guess it's easy for me to say there's no need to be defensive, but I suppose if you feel like you have to justify your choice all the time, it's not so easy?

You shouldn't feel defensive though - as long as what you're doing is right for you, then bugger anyone else.

And not all marrieds pass the time by bad-mouthing their DHs - some of us actually quite like them.

Well, those of us who are not married are either (a) Weeping on the Inside because secretly we long, long, for our menfolk to ask us, at which point we'll obviously renege on all our previous views and leap into a meringue (b) Bitter and Twisted, possibly psychotically so, because even though we got a proposal we have refused to take it up, which clearly shows we Do Not Love Him and should run barefoot to the workhouse forthwith.

I must say, no one in real life has ever questioned me not being married or made me feel bad about. My nan didn't even bat an eyelid when I told her the baby was having my surname not DPs.

5DollarShake I see what you mean about knowing that your DH wanted to be with you for your own sake.
Neither of us has any interest in marriage, we know we want to be together, were together before DC - but could easliy have decided to do a quick marriage just to get the back-up insurance of a Widows Allowance if anything happens to one of us.
However, I will settle for writing to my MP (once appointed) to demand that benefits and allowances should be child-centred, based on the needs of people bringing up children and on those with financial and parenting responsibility for children, irrespective of marital status.

Okay...I've learned a lot from this thread, and I'm glad I asked. One thing that has been mentioned that makes complete sense to me is that those of you who are unmarried, have chosen to do so, you don't want the marriage thing (for various reasons), and you've stuck to that belief. Far more admirable to me that people who get married, who don't really want to, but who figure it's easier from a legal standpoint or whatever.

This thread has changed one view completely: from reading many of your responses, I think it actually shows more committment to be unmarried, in some ways; because there is no legal tie, it may well be 'easier' in a sense to go if either partner wants to, therefore, you have to work harder at the relationship to keep it healthy. I think it's very easy to be complacent in a marriage, where you do have some sort of contract. I want to be able to express this better, but am having a hard time! Sorry...

I will say, I do know how some of you feel about the partiarchical/ownership view of marriage, but I think that's largely to do with the people in the relationship. I kept my surname, my DCs have both our surnames, I have a full and rich life outside of my DH and with him as well. Plus, I am set financially if we were to split up...I have never been one to be dependent on anyone but myself. I don't feel owned or held back in any way being married.

So, thank you all...I got exactly what I wanted in terms of a different viewpoint, and I feel like I am a little bit more open minded about people as a result. It definitely wasn't my intention ot offend anyone or tout my lifestyle as 'better' in any way...it's just different.

Good lord..you'd think I'd be able to formulate a thought...sorry that last post was just badly written...I hope you can get the gist of what the hell I'm talking about...

Thought you expressed yourself rather well, actually.

My relationship with dh is no different now to how it was before we were married other than the fact that i now have a new ring and a new surname, so why bother then? Well a new ring and a new surname are 2 good reasons, as well as the fact i like being called a wife, I like the fact that we all have the same surname now and the wedding day itself was lovely and we also got lots of cash presents which was a delightful bonus oh and i got to wear a gorgeous dress! My friend suddenly doesnt believe in marriage whatever that means which she decided straight after her dp decided he didnt believe in it. Which after many conversations about which dress and cake she wanted was rather strange and seemed that actually she really wanted to get married and had convinced herself she didnt want to because she cant really do it if he wont! Then I wonder whats the point in her being engaged then...

We had a big party after 10 years to which all our friends and family came - I got a speech and wore a dress made especially for the occasion.

It was great.

Our children have my surname (which OH thought was a 'cooler' name) and his surname as a middle name. He said he was playing the long game - if our girls decided to go the traditional route, get married and change their names, his name would still be there.

Just we hated the idea of marriage for ourselves, didn't mean we didn't love it when our friends got married. Nothing better than a good wedding in my opinion - just wasn't for us.

Eve, I think the difference is that you see marriage as a big deal from a moral point of view, as a commitment, a contract, public vows etc. Therefore you respect people who either choose to enter into marriage or choose not to but both for moral reasons.

Whereas for me, marriage is not a matter of principle: it is a legal state that alters my status in the law and my connection with my DH in a public sphere (for example, in my experience, how you are treated if one of you is seriously ill). It says very little about our relationship and life together.

I got married for legal reasons, very personal ones, because of my experience of how you are treated legally if one partner falls suddenly ill and you are not married. This is not something you can plan for with a solicitor (it's purely to do with hospital policy about access to intensive care). I don't personally feel you have the right to judge other people's motivations for getting married - in which case I guess I shouldn't be on AIBU!

DP nad I have been together 16 years, 2 DC, joint bank accounts, mortgage, named on each others pensions/life insurances etc. Can't really see any reason to get married. Having a different surname to my DDs doesn't bother me in the slightest.