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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is not actually "spoiling" my dc?

64 replies

shimmerygoldglitter · 02/05/2010 23:38

Have two dc, one ds and one dd. Dd is still in a cot with me at present but really needs to move into a big bed pretty soon.

So as ds is 7 and dd is 2 I have decided to give up my bedroom so that they may have a bedroom each and I will get a bed settee in the living room and make the best of it. Not ideal of course as love having my own room but there you go, never mind, plenty worse happens at sea etc.

Well I mentioned my plan to a family member and got a big long lecture about "giving up my own space" and "spoiling" my dc, should put them in together apparently.

Opinions please, am lone parent so do not have dh or dp to consider in this.

OP posts:
Kaloki · 02/05/2010 23:40

I think that if you are happy and the kids are happy, then your sleeping arrangements are no one elses business.

emkana · 02/05/2010 23:40

agree with kaloki

bronze · 02/05/2010 23:41

I agree its your choice. Not the choice I would make but its not down to me

Valpollicella · 02/05/2010 23:42

Oh don't listen to them. Give it a try out and see how it goes, and if it works for you, then great. They aren't being asked to sleep on a sofa bed, so nothing to do with them.

Also, may be helpful if the 2yo wakes in the night (or either of them for that matter). Then they won't disturb the other

Your house, your sleep (!) your rules

Original poster
shimmerygoldglitter · 02/05/2010 23:42

Well I would prefer not to tbh but just seems fairer really.

OP posts:
HarderToKidnap · 02/05/2010 23:42

I don' have dc so maybe I am aoeaking out of turn ere. To me it seemd not so much an issue of spoiling them but an issue of placing yourself so low down on the pecking order that you beome a martyr - not healthy or a good role model for your kids. You, I suspect, need your own space to escape to far more than your children do - bringing up two kids on your own is HARD. You need your sanctuary. And being part of your little family means that you look at each member of your unit and weigh up their needs and do your best to ensure that you meet as many needs as possible to maintain maximum happiness. You are part of the unit too, you matter as well, and your needs should be met too (as far as possible). So not, I don't believe you would be spoiling your dc but no, I don't think you should give up your room.

Chandra · 02/05/2010 23:45

I'm also a lone parent and no, I wouldn't give my bedroom so each child could have one of their own. First you need a space to call your own, even to wind down, and that space believe me, is not in the living room (the older they get, the more public that space would be) and there is nothing bad with the children sharing for a while.

roulade · 02/05/2010 23:45

I wouldn't like the living room to be a bedroom too. Sofa beds are pretty awful too and not really meant for every night sleeping. Why not just share the larger room with your dd?

Original poster
shimmerygoldglitter · 02/05/2010 23:45

Well that actually is really something to think about HardertoKidnap, exh who was an abusive wa*ker, thinks it is a marvellous idea and keeps offering to help with decorating etc. He had great determination when I was with him to keep me as low as possibly in the "pecking order" as you say, in every way possible.

I need to think about this.

OP posts:
roulade · 02/05/2010 23:45

Too many too's!

mummytotwins · 02/05/2010 23:49

Ultimatley its your decision and no one elses business.

What about them sharing your room and you moving into the other room (assuming its smaller?) its slightly different as mine are twins but they share a room and even if one s screaming blue wurder the other stays asleep and when they get up in the morning they entertain each other for a good 20 mins whilst I 'come to'

Good luck with whatever you decide to do

Valpollicella · 02/05/2010 23:50

Shimmery, you're OP sounded like this was something you were doing and fuck anyone else qho questioned it ie family.

But now it seems like you really want 'your space' Which is all good!

Is their bedroom big enough for the two beds, or even a bunk, so the 2yo can go on the bottome with a bed guard?

Sounds like you need your space after XH, which is understandable

Chandra · 02/05/2010 23:52

I have to say that I agree with Harder... moving to the living room to allow them to have their own bedroom may be read as if you were less "deserving" than them. Not exactly the idea you want to plant in your children, especially if you are going to be parenting single handedly most of the time.

feelrubbish · 02/05/2010 23:53

I don't think you are "spoiling " your dc but I don't think this is a good idea, although I understand why you are doing this.

You are not less important because you dont have a dc. You are the head of the household aand should should have you own room.

When your dd is older she will need her own space but at 7 she will be fine sharing with her brother.

My house has one double sized room and one small single room.
I wanted to go into the small room and give ds the big room. I was given advice not to and I think it was the right advice.

I like having my space in the evening and when one dc is unwell or need attention I can bring them in with me to avoid disturbing the other. The both come in int he morning and is a bit oof a central focus rather than mine.

Also good for hiding stuff in when visiter unexpectedly.

My dc have never commented that their room is tiny - it feels right (and I am as child centrered as they come)

I don't think you should give up your room.

Original poster
shimmerygoldglitter · 02/05/2010 23:54

Yes they have bunk beds because the plan always was that they would share for a couple of years. They already have the "big" bedroom. Both excellent sleepers fortunately.

I think that I just thought it was the "right" thing to do and I was being a bit of selfish person if I didn't. I was quite surprised when the family member said it to me though, so wanted to check opinions on here.

OP posts:
PiratePrincess · 02/05/2010 23:54

I wouldn't do it because your DC's may come and wake you up very early

savoycabbage · 02/05/2010 23:56

I agree with Hardertokidnap. I really can't imagine as a child my mother giving me her bedroom and her not having one. It is a pecking order thing and also might it not make them feel a bit guilty that you don't have your own bedroom and they have one each.

If you had one bedroom I could understand it and it would be totally normal IMO. Of course it is nothing to do with anybody else but I don't think you should do it. I just think that you deserve a bedroom more than your children deserve one each.

marriednotdead · 02/05/2010 23:56

I agree with mummytotwins. I swapped into the smaller room and divided the master bedroom so they have their own space. Yours don't really need to do that just yet- there's a 10 year age gap with mine.
Sleeping on a sofabed long term is not great for your spine or sense of self worth, think hard...

SrStanislaus · 02/05/2010 23:59

I wouldnt say you were spoiling your dc but you arent helping them either.
Whose decision was it to give each small child the luxury of a room each in a 2 bedroom place?Its not necessary at their ages and doesnt sound convenient. So I wonder how it has come about?

Casmama · 02/05/2010 23:59

I agree with others - the thought of not having a bedroom to escape to is horrible.
Yout deserve to have your own space and not feel selfish about it.

Original poster
shimmerygoldglitter · 03/05/2010 00:00

Given me lots to think about, in a positive way.

I must admit I wasn't thrilled about doing it and it helps to hear that most probably wouldn't.

OP posts:
Original poster
shimmerygoldglitter · 03/05/2010 00:02

"Whose decision was it to give each small child the luxury of a room each in a 2 bedroom place?Its not necessary at their ages and doesnt sound convenient. So I wonder how it has come about?"

Well I always wanted to partition the big room down the middle, luckily the layout is such that each would have window, but ex always moaned on about how unaffordable it was and now he is gone we sort of came to the conclusion that I would move out of my room, however I will say that I didn't have a problem with them sharing for a while but was sort of edged into feeling selfish about that by ex.

OP posts:
HarderToKidnap · 03/05/2010 00:06

Well if your exh was an abusive wanker you have probably been conditioned over a long period of time to sublimate your own needs and desires - to believe that you exist to serve and please others. Yay for you that you don't have to live like that any more and yay that you are starting to think about yourself a bit more.

My mum would rather have hung me on the washing line to sleep than give up her own room. And she is a brilliant confident woman with a strong sense of her own self worth and a lack of tolerance for bullshit and being treated badly. Growing up around such a great woman has given me those gifts too. Do your kids a favour and bestow upon them the gifts of self worth and confidence. So much more valuable than their own rooms!

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 03/05/2010 00:09

Sounds like you were being pushed into this by XH and glad you are rethinking! You definitely need your own room and space much more than they do and don't forget they may actually enjoy sharing a room! I also think it important to have a 'family place' where you all congregate and be together and if the living room becomes your bedroom then you may lose that sense of it being a family home.

anonimuss · 03/05/2010 00:11

i Had a pull out bed in the kitchen for a while so my children could have a bedroom each. I loved it and they had their space!

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