to ask DH to leave for his own sake?

[SanctiMoanyArse]

DH says I abu unreasonable btw.

I love my DH and he is a good man; it is for this reason I think he should go.

We are a family with struggles: 2 disabled kids makes life far from average and has meant a lot of what we wanted to do with our lives has gone to the roadside. My friends (barring one who is far away and a few online) are long gone, my family far away, the boys a struggle to do anything with and I am so scared of ds1 that I rarely will do anything alone with them. The baby has to sleep close by us in our bed
as ds1 might hurt him or ds3 accidentally smother him. We do have a sex life and it's good when we get time but that's not often enough for either of us.

Nothing can be done about this: it is the shite we have been handed and as we don't qualify for help from SSD that's it. They're coming again soon but so far they won't even class the boys as SN despite DLA agreeing their needs and a Paediatrician asking them to help us.

I have become a moany, fat whinger. I used to get a buzz from work but am a carer now and there's no way around it. Placing ds1 in childcare would be a direct risk to any other children, as would inviting a Nanny in be to them. I am the epitomy of the dull homely wife and it would take more effort to change that than I have. I go the gym when I can (less than enough) but even things like hair washing sometimes become disposable under it all. Not through choice but sheer lack of time.

Dh though is just starting to bloom with his life: he is attractive, just qualified in a job he adores but would be so much rewarding if he could travel often and even live abroad; He could find someone so much more fun and prettier than me, I know he could. He enver had a relationship before me so has missed out on a lot.

My life is pretty over at 36; I don't see why his has to be as well. I have been trying to tell him this but apart from mentioning he thinks I should chat to the GP (I did, GP said I anbu to feel like this) refuses to listen.

No he bloody well shouldn't
you feel down
he feels good
dont assume you will drag him down
lt him share his good feelings instead

I agree with your husband, you should pop and see your GP. He loves you, he's not around because it's his duty, he married you (to have and to hold, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health), life has delt you a shitter, it's no one's fault, he wants to be by your side through this because of love.

GP refused anti depressants as he says what I feel in understandable and normal

I am so sorry that you feel this way. Your DH loves you and wants to be with you. On this basis he would not be happier without you. He loves his DC too and a decent man would not be happy getting on with his life and leaving you all to struggle. You really do need to see someone professional to get some help with how you are feeling. Your life is NOT over, you just need some help.

You said GP said YANBU to feel like this but it doesn't mean he agrees with you -sorry if that sounds harsh. If your DH loves you then he will stay because of that dispite what else is going on. Please remember they are his children too therefore also his reponsibility. I'm sorry that things are not going well for you at the moment and agree you need to be pushing for more help and support but that doesn't mean pushing DH away at the same time.

You sound at the end of your tether and your confidence and self esteem seem at an all time low and I sympathise with that but please beleive that your DH would probably leave if he wanted too but he's stayed and that should tell you he wants to as you've given him the chance to leave.

Please seek help - perhaps see a different GP.

Your DH sounds like a good man. Please go and talk to GP again.

I think he's right, maybe you should talk to your GP? You're obviously having a really hard time, your self esteem is rock bottom, you seem to be really low and down on yourself?

YANBU, you are being selfless but really, you are doing great and he will not leave you. He loves you and the children and wants to be with you.

FWIW I have told dh he can go as this isn't what he signed up for but he loves me.

Keep on until you get the support you need and are entitled too.

See another GP.

Mine said I would be fine when dc3 went to school .

So sorry to read this. I have to go but you sound as if you may be depressed - did the GP give you any other advice? I think that as long as your DH wants to be with you, you've got every chance of surviving all this and that you definitely shouldn't push him away. He wants to stay, he wants to help. Can he look after the dcs on his own from time to time or in a regular slot every week to give you the space you clearly need away from this, and perhaps to do something that will help you to feel more like the 'old' you? (you mention the gym?)

I am really sorry that you are having all these difficulties and more that you sound so low. I am sure some other MNers will be along in a minute to give you some really good advice. People with more experience of SN and possibly depression as well as what other help could be available to you. Please don't be so hard on yourself.

You're in a desperate place and I don't think you can see straight. It sounds to me as though you have clinical depression and need counselling, treatment and respite care. You can ask for Cognitive Behavioural Therapy on the NHS; see a different GP who will listen to you. DH should come with you. Your life is nowhere near over, but it will spiral downwards if you can't get out of this negative view of the world. There are respite carers who are trained to deal with disabled children where they can take them out, or do activities with them while you have a break with your dh. Please seek help as you sound so unhappy. It's brave of you to speak of it - I really hope you can work things out.

I think you're depressed, and understandably so - you have a lot going on. Realistically, if he doesn't want to leave, you love him, he loves you, you both love your children, why would you want to break up your family? The "for his own good"... Its bullshit. Trust me. I have done this so many times, the "It would just be better for them if I wasn't around". The "They could do so much better, I'm just holding them back". Its just another rod to beat yourself with.

Stop. Take a breath. Go and hug your husband, and make another appointment to see a doctor, preferably to talk about ADs or counselling.

Big hugs. x

Oh, they were there already!

I'd say you are depressed (lack of interest in life is a big indicator). Go back and see someone else. You have so much stress going on in your life it's easy to see why you are so unhappy, surly your husband wants to support you all? He's not obliged to stay with you, no one is obliged to stay with anyone.

Do you have a social worker? Any respite care for DS1 and DS3?

You really need some support. It sounds like you are at your wits end and are pretty depressed. You need some help.

But to just answer your question; no your DH should not go when the going gets tough and abandon his wife and children. YABU.

I think you are feeling these things about yourself because you are pretty depressed and so I think you should go back to the doctor and ask for counselling. I'm not sure what other help you could get but I am sure others will come and tell you about that.

I really feel for you and wish I was there to give you a hug. Here's one from a distance. ((SMA))

oh love. if one GP won't help you, go to another one. anti-ds just give people a little window of opportunity to make changes, they're not the change themselves. you're a good woman and one well worth having, everyoen on here knows that and so does your dh.

We;re not entitled to a SW as the boys disability doesnt meet theyr criteria (autism).
So we won't get respite or anything.

Yes I am derpessed but I told GP that and he said not to AD's; he suggested counselling but the counsellor only works on a day when I have no childcare.

Dh takes the kids when he can but there's nowhere really to go and he is busy as he is self employed so treally doesn't have that much time.. We're paying for a CM at the moment so I can go to the gym twice a week and when he can he meets me for coffee afterwards but I don't know yet if we will be able to afford that next year.

I do knmow I am riduculously tired after a decade of ruined sleep and we had another morning of aggression becuase we tried to get some errnads run.

DH has a talent, but has only just started to blossom really- hitting his forties has reallyn suited him and he has gone from scruff to bloody gorgeous. I know people muct look at us and think why ojn earth is he with her, and tbh that's hard to know. He could live near where he is absed, grow the friendships he has started to build, and have that life he missed when he was younger (he ahd health issues in his twenties and then we met)

he could, yes, but leaving behind the woman he loves and the children he loves to go and kick about with the lads isn't really a choice, is it?

i do think you should go back to the gp, love, esp if you can't see the counsellor. do you have an mp or somesuch who can help you to fight for respite, or is the problem really that you have no fight in you right now?

btw come and join us all on the 'slim feels better' thread if you feel like getting control of weight etc, it's a good laugh. and we are strictly no meet-ups.

Could your older son go into residential care of some kind?
Or could your husband stay home and you go out to do exciting work blossom and look great? Sounds a very sexist set up as it is with all the dross of you and glory for him.

He's choosen to spend his life with you though. It doesn't matter if his life is changing, he wants you by his side.

Did the SW do a needs assessment? There's a support part on the autistic society web page, they also have local meetings which could really help you. Have you looked into all of this?

Pop and see another GP, anti depressants are not the answer, they are just a sticking plaster until you find the answer.

you sound very low , some thoughts that spring to mind

can you get respite care for DS 1, even a few hours a week
can you start to excercise? this will help weight loss and self esteem
can you get another GP and ask for help, either they give you prozac or refer you to a counseller
what can you do to boost self esteem? even minor things like haircut, new clothes help

i do emphasise (but not agree) why you want to ger rid of DH, buts its all down to self esteem. sounds like a combo of esteem boost and support would help, plus some proper help for depression before it spirals?

36 is young! but you have ALOT on plate

good luck

he had health issues when you met, and you stuck with him. Now you have health issues and you think he shouldn't stick with you.

He knows he has a good caring wife, that really means for better for worse, - why would he go off with someone else that doesn't have that strength of character?

Life is tough, sure - but they ARE his kids too! He should take a share of the responsibility, and remember, kids get older and more able to look after themselves - and you will have more time to look after yourself.

be grateful that he is gorgeous, feel pride in teh fact that he chooses you. You are AMAZING, you have coped with much more than many have and you have stuck by him through hard times. Let him do the same for you.

Sorry to be blunt but what?? How come there autism doesn't count as disability enough?? I work with autisic children and I can assure you more of them have a SW than don't, most get respite care, even if its an hour a week its something and some get blue badges. Get onto social services now and tell them what you have told us as it's in the interests of your family to get some help.

Not that it should make a difference but could I ask whether your DS' attend special or mainsteam education.

In the same boat here, gorgeous dh, good job and fatty me at home all the time.
My GP said a similar thing about ad's I was trying to come off them though.
Is there any local groups you can go to which cater specifically for children with asd, where people will understand your dc and be more tolerant of them?
I don't want to fire off lots of questions at you butif you want to say what region you are in and post on the sn's boards then I am sure there will be other people in your area with similar problems, me includedwho would love to meet you and your children.
It can be a very isolating life and I so get the thing about all friends being long gone.But unfortunately there are lots of us out there.
Take care