to ask DH to leave for his own sake?

[SanctiMoanyArse]

DH says I abu unreasonable btw.

I love my DH and he is a good man; it is for this reason I think he should go.

We are a family with struggles: 2 disabled kids makes life far from average and has meant a lot of what we wanted to do with our lives has gone to the roadside. My friends (barring one who is far away and a few online) are long gone, my family far away, the boys a struggle to do anything with and I am so scared of ds1 that I rarely will do anything alone with them. The baby has to sleep close by us in our bed
as ds1 might hurt him or ds3 accidentally smother him. We do have a sex life and it's good when we get time but that's not often enough for either of us.

Nothing can be done about this: it is the shite we have been handed and as we don't qualify for help from SSD that's it. They're coming again soon but so far they won't even class the boys as SN despite DLA agreeing their needs and a Paediatrician asking them to help us.

I have become a moany, fat whinger. I used to get a buzz from work but am a carer now and there's no way around it. Placing ds1 in childcare would be a direct risk to any other children, as would inviting a Nanny in be to them. I am the epitomy of the dull homely wife and it would take more effort to change that than I have. I go the gym when I can (less than enough) but even things like hair washing sometimes become disposable under it all. Not through choice but sheer lack of time.

Dh though is just starting to bloom with his life: he is attractive, just qualified in a job he adores but would be so much rewarding if he could travel often and even live abroad; He could find someone so much more fun and prettier than me, I know he could. He enver had a relationship before me so has missed out on a lot.

My life is pretty over at 36; I don't see why his has to be as well. I have been trying to tell him this but apart from mentioning he thinks I should chat to the GP (I did, GP said I anbu to feel like this) refuses to listen.

You have plans then, you are doing courses, hoping to work from home in a couple of years, this is all good stuff, things to look forward to!

You say you had a bit of a lie in this morning and feel a bit better - I get very depressed when I am sleep deprived - can you talk to your DH (I know he works hard) and arrange one day a week when you have a good lie in/or when he goes to the DCs in the night?

Going to the gym, getting some time for yourself, fresh air and your own thoughts and a chance to just be, on your own, it's helping - that's brilliant! Now you know that helps, you know what thing to try and do more!

It sounds to me like you're knackered and stressed and never get any time for yourself - but you have taken steps to rectify those things - that's really positive.

Agree with others that talking to another GP is a good idea. Yours shouldn't have given you the brush off.

Also you obviously know loads of people on here - don't namechange - people want to help you, they care about you, and they can do that better if they know you are you IYSWIM.

I don't have a child with SN and can't imagine how hard it is, you need to take care of yourself as well as them.

And keep talking to your DH, you are his wife and they are his children, tell him you need help and accept his help, you are a team on this, a family, let him do his stuff.

Take care x

BigTilly / CM- the boys were diagnosed in 2006 nd 2008; we were assessed immediately by SSD but they ahve a ruling here that Aspergers doesn't fit criteria, even if as with ds1 there are extra issues( the aggression and this week is his first trip to the eating disorder clinic). At that appt the SW looked at DS3 who had sat with his back to her staring at a PC (his obsession) and said 'I ahve an MA in asd, he doesn't have asd'. i'm halfway through that MA now and nothing on there teaches you to say that!

She did offer ds1 a palce in a regular CM becuase of the alck of extended support but it was a non asd trained Cm alongside small children and toddlers; we turned it down on safety. DS1's school is asking this week for his statement to be upgarded as he needs 1-1 at every break as he is such a danger: how could I place that child in a situation that puts others at risk?

But after a year and more of asking SSD have agreed to visdit us on the 23rd and discuss ds3, I asked for a carers assessment but they failed to ehar that part of it I think. Help with ds3 would free up Dh to shadow DS1 (I find it too hard now physically) and I can esi;ly care for the balance. Just ahve to see what we get. We're also asking for a aplce in a specialist AS school for ds1 when he goes into year 7 (is in yr5 now) as I am sick of the chidlren begging me to helkp stop ds1 hurting them, and it is harming ds2 having him there.

Which amkes me sound down on ds1: I am not, he can be wonderful and great copany. But he's a jeckyll and hyde and straddles a peculiar gap between AS and HFA mainly due I think to lack of SLT assessment at diagnosis- SLT said as much, otherwise he'd ahve HFA diagnosis. The new DSm is posisbly removing AS as a DX to ehlp solve this issue but maybe too late for us.

DS3's dx is autism with severe language delays and he is being seen soon to find out if his absences are epilepsy

Can you request a SALT assesment alongside the schools request for more time as part of looking at suitability of placement for his secondary transfer? How pro-active and pushy is the SENCO - you need to really clobber the LA into giving you what your DS needs, by the sounds of it.

I think you are amazing to have coped so far with so many issues - all children are tiring, but yours must be particularly draining as they need such close and special support.

And I'd say, always take anything a Social Worker says with a pinch of salt - she is not a professional trained to make an ASD dx, or any dx for that matter. Stand your ground and be

Why is your ds1 in mainstreram now? Wouldn't it be better to get him into a special school now rather than wait another two years?

Our ds 1 was in a special school as he had severe CP and it was definitely the best place for him, he had 1 to 1 help most of the time and he was very very happy there.

Mumblechum- its about 1 year and a bit isn't it really? I;d gladly love to ahve him in SNU but LEA don't really with AS until comp; the ASD school here only has non verbal kids atm and I don't think anywhere else would cope any better- in fact if he were palced in a school like ds3's where there's a huge mix i think he'd be more of a risk tbh

I've been screaming for years just to get to review stage, I only found out about the AS base at all by speaking to a teahcer by chance.

It's ridiculous that your lea expect your ds1 to cope in mainstream, and expect m/s to cope with him given his difficulties.

I always assumed that SNU were an option from age 4. I guess I know now1

Hope things improve for you.

I think school have been invovled in a massive cover up tbh: I nkow when the infants SENCO was promoted the LEA officially washed their hands of the recruitment as a result; they are a state but not exactly faith yet not quite under LEA control wither

For us they are just the ctahcment school but ds4 will be going to another school a distance away rather than go anywhere near that palce agaiin.

SMA you need a big hug hun! I work in education and the boys school should play a big part in the help given to you. Has the eldest got a CAF? (where all the agencies involved can get together cross ref etc). Is there a Sure Start centre nearby? - they are good in my area for pointing people in the direction for help/respite etc. I wouldnt worry if your children are over 5, I am sure they would be a help.
Your DH sounds like a good man who has signed up for this life as someone else said - for better or worse etc. You are a partnership and he wants to share the responsiblity. I am not being filpant but there are many men who would be on their toes. See another GP if you are not happy with the treatment you are getting at the moment.
Take care and be kind to yourself

Thank you

School haven't been on board until a few weeks ago: infants were the creators of the issue (lies were a norm- I am sorry we applied for a statement and you were refused. Oh yes? how come I haven't seen any letters then? oh becuase you ahdn't really, and he's not even on the SEN Register really>>

A few weeks ago we were lucky enough to meet with the ASD advisor for the area; it was at ds3's SNU. She ahd no ideas of ds1's existence, and was shocked at what had been happening. We ahd been told she wasnt intersted and that the only avenue open to us was the private Dyscovery Centre, fantastic (my MA in allied to them) but way beyond our reach. Since then thingsa re moving, but it seems school hadn't logged one single incident of aggression with the LEA as they are required to; soince that school have suddenly backed our request for supervision but did try to persuade us to withdraw for 'HR reasons@ (???? something to do with making every non statement funded TA redundant recently apaprently- someone said they would have to prioritse those TA's and the split wasn't entirely friendly)

As if that is my problem!

This is our second review tomorrow; first one was pulled when school turned out to have no paperwork at all wrt ds1.

ANyway

DH is being a gem: taken a few jobs away from me to let me concentrate on the bigger stuff. I still think he deserves more but I won't push him.

LEA pulled out of review today at last minute

so although school admitted they cannot prevent ds1 endangering ds2 we have no idea if LEA will help with funding or not

Bugger

The LEA sent me an email fice minutes before to say that another child needed thierr help- which as far as I can see reads as 'so stuff you, yours is irrelevant to us'.

What kind of a review did they pull out of and who exactly pulled out?

If it was an annual review, then whatever was decided that your DS needs should be forwarded to them for a decision.

Or was it a School Action Plus review and the ASD(?) specialist teacher was due to attend?

What do they mean, another child needed their help - what, the specialist / whoever normally attends annual reviews / who? was unable to attend because they were busy, or did they mean there was no money because they had awarded it all to another child?

It all sounds very dodgy.

LEA statement officer's help

Other professionals pulled for other reasons

WAS originally an emergency review called under forrmal procedure by us, then school didn't have apperrwork so was postponed; then LEA cancells so was postponed; became annual review in the end

(And I know an AS child with no violent tendencies whose Grandad used to work for the LEA was awarded a funded place at private last week)

becuase I helped them with their application

This is terrible.

You must stamp your feet and make an absolute nuisance of yourself until they have a proper annual review - they must do it legally, I'm sure.

If there's no joy, are you entitled to legal aid? could you involve a solicitor. It's not just the school at fault, the LEA too.

I'm guessing you're posting on the SN boards - I'm sure they'll have loads of experience and advice.

Yep am an old SN poster LOL

DS1's assessment with eating disorders people also cancelled this morning, was this afternoon. Sometimes you have to ask if its worth it.

Bugger me! I've just realised who you are.

No no no don't ask him to. He wouldn't anyway I'm sure.

You have so much on your plate - I wouldn't even know where to start with all that you deal with. You are amazing. Don't sell yourself short.

I wish we were closer. But it's no so far really - please let me know if we can do anything.

I orderd him to orm, he refused and has taken on a lot more house stuff- so you are rihbght!

I am not amazing, I think school etc think I must be as they seem to think nothing will be too much: sometimes it is

got o GP and get GP to write to SS saying you need some respite and help or your mental health is at risk and the family will be at risk of breakdown.

GP ahs to spell it out to SS. then they WILL get help in.

also more evidence from school etc will help. it can go round in circles.

respite/SS help is not jsut about elvel of disbaility but about wh9ole family dynamic. you also need your H to be calling SS and saying stuff too. sayihg he is worried you are getting MH issues and how he cannot cope. you need to spell it out in black and white....

if not as disbaled they can be 2children in need2 due to level of diff issues involved.

get GP on your side and HV.

sorri but you need ot stop being strong and go an weep and wail at GP - but come up with something saying :
if i had help with ds1 for 6 hours on a saturday and four on a wednesday it would help.

if DS1 could go to foster parent family link repsite one weeknd in a month it would help him and us.

the other dcs are suffering due to ds1's needs.

life is impossible at the momeent and we are at risk of fmaily breakdown. some repsite help even if hsort term for 6 months/one year would make a huge difference.

say somthing concrete that you need in order to improve things.

and SW not qualified to diagnose ASd or not.

I agree with BigTillyMint. You need to start shouting and stamping your feet a bit. You sound like a lovely polite mum but those people who make nusiance of themselves at my school are dealt with to make them go away. Write letters to everyone you can think of, even MP's(!) can be of help. Topical I know ;). Write, phone and email all involved and sooner or later they will start to deal with this and when you contact them say "I expect to have a reply within X weeks." I understand you are going to need to find some energy to start this fight but you have plenty of support here! Good Luck