AIBU - SIL and autism

[AIBUSIL]

My DH just had text off sil saying 'call me pls, urgent' so he phoned her and apparently... she works with young vulnerable adults and they had an 'instructor' in yesterday to teach them about autism.

The instructor gave her a test to fill out which showed all 'aspects' of autism. She told dh on the phone thst when looking at this test she thought of my dd (his step dd) who is 5. She said that she's pretty sure my dd is autistic, she said that the 'adult way' she spoke, the fact that sometimes she walks on tiptoes (she pretends to be a fairy / ballet dancer) and errrm, well that was about all she mentioned. She's met my dd about 4 or 5 times in the whole of her life.

I know nothing about autism. AIBU to a. tell my sil to 'drop dead' b. worry myself sick now that I and dd's school/ rest of family etc have all missed something and c. be absolutely furious/heartbroken that someone feels the need to tell me such a thing, she even told my dh to 'tell her diplomatically'.

My dd2 who is 4 months was born with, I can't say what exactly because would out me in real life, but a 'birth defect' (hate that term, horrible), that will be 'fixed' when she is older. We are very protective of her because it shocks some people when they first meet her and they make comments. To now be told that a 'stranger' pretty much, I've only met her 4 or 5 times too, now thinks dd1 has a 'problem' as she phrased it is really upsetting me.

Are there any ways of me telling now whether dd1 is autistic? Should I take her to gp and see what they think? Apologies for being clueless but no-one that I know is effected and therefore I know nothing about it.

It is extremely wrong of her to 'diagnose' your child. She is not a professional. Proper diagnosis usually requires a detailed, multi-discplinary assessment - not a complete layperson with a day's training making a sweeping pronouncement.

I would completely ignore her (unless you are worried?), and perhaps remind her that this sort of behaviour is highly unprofessional and unethical.

Tell her to cock off- she is being ridiculous. Don't worry yourself. She sounds like a loon.

your SIL is a silly silly woman. You may want to tell her so (if you are braver than me!) but don't worry about your daughter.

Horrible woman, ignore her!

Wow. One lecture on autism and she thinks she is qualified to diagnose a child she has met 4 or 5 times?? She has serious problems.

And she works with young vulnerable adults - I'd be pretty worried about that too, myself.

Mention Munchausens by proxy if you're feeling particularly vindictive.

By the way, I have a relative who is profoundly autistic who has NEVER walked on tiptoes. As a diagnostic device it's rubbish. Ooh I am so angry on your behalf here- how dare she worry you with her half-baked opinions?

It's like somebody picking up a pack of tarot cards, deciding they have a gift, and then telling people in their family they are about to die. Ridiculous, and very wrong.

Wow I'd be furious there is nothing more dangerous than someone will a little bit of knowledge thinking they're an expert.
I've found this quite a common problem with people who have a little experience/training thinking it's completely acceptable to start warning you in a smug pious 'aren't I wonderful with my knowledge way your child might have Autism' when they in fact have absolutely no idea what the fuck they are on about. Those that are qualified to offer such opinions would never be so unprofessional to do so in such a manner and with a child she has only met 5 times.

I've cut off a very old good friend because of this behavior (she's a teaching assistant in a SN school) as she was trying to diagnose my DD all because my DH has many autistic traits.

Oh and I always walked on tip toes as a child and I'm not autistic at all.

Thumb - you just made me laugh outloud.

What I've actually done is texted her (im a coward) and told her to drop dead, well words to that effect but a bit more sweary. I have a foul temper.

Think there might be no more family gatherings for a good many years.

I have no concerns about dd myself, but there again know nothing about autism so not sure what should look for?

Any tips on dd2, should I 'warn' people before they meet her (which feels like a 'betrayal' of her to me weirdly) or should i just let them see for themselves? Msy as well out myself, she has two thumbs on her one hand - its quite obvious, they are two proper whole thumbs not like a 'tag'

And thank you for all comments, sorry x posted when typing

AIBUSIL your SIL sounds like a complete arse and you are well within your rights to tell her to take a long walk off a short pier. Cheeky bitch. As for your DD2 i wouldn't worry about peoples reactions - you could always go down the line of "oh my god she has what? where? are you sure?"..... you know really play with people's heads!!!

Well if walking on tiptoes and pretending to be a fairy at that age is a sign of autism, then I must be autistic; and so must my 3 nieces.

If you really want to know, you can always google it or you could go onto the SN threads and ask what people first noticed about their DC that made them suspect autism. I think it's pretty varied but there's usually some kind of developmental milestone delay stuff.

DD2 - nah, don't say anything. If they feel the need to comment (how rude if they do), say she is so lucky to have an extra thumb! A new development in the human race. All for better texting and game playing. Makes a change from a 6th finger anyway (which I think is not that uncommon)

What's to warn about? She has a variation on a normal hand. I doubt that:

a. Many people will notice it
b. They'll be that interested.

They'll probably be more interested in chatting to your lovely daughter.

oh yeah and my sister (who is a trained nurse but has not practised since reitring through ill health about 11 years ago) told me quite confidently that my DS2's speech delay was a "clear indication" that he was autistic. She got the same response as your SIL as his paediatric consultant and speech therapist had both ruled it out.

No need to 'warn' anybody. If they have a problem withit that's their ermm, problem

talking in an adult way (when I presume most of the other people DD talks to are er, adults....) is totally and completely NORMAL.

Think about it; all she heard before she went to school was adults talking to adults and adults talking to her. It's only natural that she picked up an adult register, really.

Thank you so much everyone, I feel much better now. Just looked up signs for autism and she has none (apart from the 'tiptoes' ), in fact she's pretty opposite to everything mentioned, she is ridiculously affectionate with cuddles and she's been talking constantly from 7am to 7pm since she's been able to.

And thank you re the thumb, its so difficult, its usually children that point it out, not in a nasty way but then everyone gets uncomfortable. We've got a party this pm and i think im just nervous re going to that with her. Thank you

If your DD was autistic then you would certainly be aware by now that she seemed 'different' and would be concerned about her. Seeing as you are not at all and she is doing fine at school then chances are there is no problem whatsoever and your SIL is extremely misguided.
I'd call her and say that although you are sure she meant well, she is treading on dangerous ground by 'diagnosing' someone she barely knows with only a days worth of training on a very complex condition!!

I'm a teacher with an AS son, and other members of the family tick many boxes on the spectrum.

Your SIL is a busybody who is doing no one any favours, herself included.
'She's pretty sure your DD is autistic?' On those grounds? My son has never tippy-toed in his life. More of a hulk type persona.
Trust me, if she was at 5, you'd have picked up on a lot more odd quirks and pointers by now.
That old saying 'A little knowledge is a dangerous thing' really applies here.

Have a list to calm you down, others on the sn board have found it relevant.

Asperger's Syndrome

Main characteristics
Difficulties with social relationships.
Not picking up signals and info that NTs take for granted such as facial expressions, intonation and inferred information.

Difficulties with communication.
May speak fluently but take little notice of reactions, may monologue, may not be aware of audience's feelings or reactions.
May be over-precise, formal or literal in speech. Jokes, metaphors, sayings, figurative language may cause total confusion, stress, meltdowns etc.

Difficulties with social imagination, imaginative play and flexible thinking.
This one causes some confusion as people say 'Well, he plays with his lego and makes up stories and has imagination, so...?'
It's the social aspect of imaginative play that can cause difficulties. If the child is in total control of their 'world' and setting the agenda, then they are being imaginative. AS children find it difficult to play when other individuals are involved that have different ideas or who don't perform as expected, unlike a lego or toy figure.
Abstract thinking is another area of difficulty, although the child may learn facts and figures easily, dealing with abstract concepts, without clear outcomes may be a challenge. Subjects like literature, religion and philosophy.

They may also be:
socially awkward and clumsy in social relationships with others
naive and gullible, a good rule of thumb is that many Aspies function at an emotional age 2/3 that of their chronological age.
unaware of how others feel
unable to carry on a 'give and take' conversation
upset by any change in routines and transitions, often undetectable to NTs
literal in speech and understanding
overly sensitive to lights, noise, odours, tastes and tactile sensations again often undetectable by NTs
have fixed interests or obsessions
physically awkward in sports, often those that require simultaneous application of different skills.
Not a team player in any sense.

Possibly
have an unusually accurate memory for details
sleeping or eating issues that cause problems
trouble understanding and processing things they have heard or read
Inappropriate facial expressions or body language
unusual speech patterns, repetitive or irrelevant remarks
stilted, formal speech
overly loud, high or monotonous voice
stims that may involve rocking, fidgeting, joint cracking, humming, pacing...

Still think she's got a point? Or is she just an annoying 'expert'
God help you if her next course is on Exotic Tropical Diseases and parasites.

Your SIL behaved appallingly. She was totally out of line. I'm shocked she works with young vunerable adults.

She strikes me as the sort of person who is a bit thick but has a strong desire to feel important. She gained a little insight on the topic of autism and thought she could use it to make her sound superior. The lack of consideration and sensitivity she gave to you and your DH was shocking.

'Are there any ways of me telling now whether dd1 is autistic? Should I take her to gp and see what they think? Apologies for being clueless but no-one that I know is effected and therefore I know nothing about it.'

If something bothers you and you want to ask a question, pop over to the sn boards and ask. We're a friendly and very supportive bunch, but not head-hunting for others to join our merry band.
So you can ask a question and get an honest range of answers from those with practical experience, rather than a one-day wonder.

Hi AIBUSIL
Just to say that I totally agree with these other posts. Having known your Dd1 since birth (and having had much, much more training than one lecture on autism!!) I can safely say that she raises no concerns with me!!!!
If you want to chat about it (have found phone and it is now on! Sorry about that!)then give me a text or a buzz.
Second thoughts on dd2 too. Don't mention it at all. people will either say something, in which case just tell them what you told me the first time round, or they won't notice at all. I can honestly say that I don't notice it in the slightest and I'm not just saying that. xx

Bad wording there! I don't mean 'I've had second thoughts about your Dd2', I mean 'I second the thoughts given on your Dd2'....I'll slink off again now.....

Thank you all, I have looked at characteristics and have calmed down some what. She does have difficulty in playing sometimes, her teacher says she is bossy, so she always wants to be in charge and wants to 'dictate' play eg IM THE PRINCESS YOU ARE THE FROG!!! type stuff. Think that's pretty typical 5 yr old girl stuff though

Im comfortable that she's fine but was much more comfortable before damn sil planted this seed in my mind

Thank you all again, i am a regular name changer and may well pop over to sn for further help if necessary, thanks for the offer