AIBU - SIL and autism

[AIBUSIL]

My DH just had text off sil saying 'call me pls, urgent' so he phoned her and apparently... she works with young vulnerable adults and they had an 'instructor' in yesterday to teach them about autism.

The instructor gave her a test to fill out which showed all 'aspects' of autism. She told dh on the phone thst when looking at this test she thought of my dd (his step dd) who is 5. She said that she's pretty sure my dd is autistic, she said that the 'adult way' she spoke, the fact that sometimes she walks on tiptoes (she pretends to be a fairy / ballet dancer) and errrm, well that was about all she mentioned. She's met my dd about 4 or 5 times in the whole of her life.

I know nothing about autism. AIBU to a. tell my sil to 'drop dead' b. worry myself sick now that I and dd's school/ rest of family etc have all missed something and c. be absolutely furious/heartbroken that someone feels the need to tell me such a thing, she even told my dh to 'tell her diplomatically'.

My dd2 who is 4 months was born with, I can't say what exactly because would out me in real life, but a 'birth defect' (hate that term, horrible), that will be 'fixed' when she is older. We are very protective of her because it shocks some people when they first meet her and they make comments. To now be told that a 'stranger' pretty much, I've only met her 4 or 5 times too, now thinks dd1 has a 'problem' as she phrased it is really upsetting me.

Are there any ways of me telling now whether dd1 is autistic? Should I take her to gp and see what they think? Apologies for being clueless but no-one that I know is effected and therefore I know nothing about it.

I wouldn't warn people there is no need.
A close childhood friend of me has deformed hands, I haven't seen him in years, my mum mentioned him and his hands recently and I honestly don't remember them being deformed at all. What I do remember is that he nicked my Hungry Caterpillar book.

5 year old girls are very bossy.

Well i've got four children with autism in the family and non of them walk on tiptoes or talk like adults.

Ignore the stupid woman she's probably jealous of your bright articulate dd.

I think you should communicate something to her about how concerned you are over her lack of professionalism and boundaries: autism is a diagnosis reached over time by properly trained people, not just some numpty with a days training at her back. Refer her to the Dunning Krueger effect (TFIC)and say you are really worried about her as she is exhibiting all the symptoms of this disorder and needs to sort it out

Good idea Pingviner. I work with a CAMHS Disability team and think that they'd be very happy to give up all of the testing, observing and working with other HCPs that goes into making a diagnosis.

OP - has she replied to your text?

Your SIL sounds very pleased with what she learnt and considers herself an expert. She is foolish and arrogant to do so.
She is also ridiculous and thoughtless to raise these issues with you with no real foundtation.
I would ignore her and try to temper my annoyance withthe knowl;edge that she has suggested autism which, whilst worrying as a mother because of all the challenges it entails, is not exactly the same as being accused of some hideous character flaw or a mass murderer.

She was wrong. But being called 'autistic' is not of itself an insult or a bad thing to be. I would ratchet down the fury and allow myselfto regard her as insensitive and misguided

She rang DH and said 'wtf i was just trying to help etc' He tried to explain how upset I was but she didn't really understand. She said my text was harsh and that she was 'only trying to help' and 'meant it in a constructive way'. DH is now making lots of 'she's really upset and sorry' noises, while I'm telling him she can drop dead. Could be a stalemate

Dotty- just saw your comment! Thank you, I must admit after looking at the symptoms I can't think of any child who fits them less. You know what a little demanding madam dd is, never shuts up, never stops wanting to cuddle and snuffle etc. She even cuddles your DH and her and your dd were rolling around in the park kissing the other day (starts worrying anew!)

Googled Dunning Krueger - love it

Am off out to party shortly but will be back this evening x

'She was wrong. But being called 'autistic' is not of itself an insult or a bad thing to be. I would ratchet down the fury and allow myself to regard her as insensitive and misguided'

Agree pag, I wouldn't trade mine in for an NT version. He's far too interesting to swap for normal.

Pag and Goblin - no I appreciate that believe me, I certainly wouldn't trade dd2 for a dd with only 1 thumb on each hand!

I am annoyed that she is so misguided and that she has worried me I think. If anything I have said has upset anyone in relation to autism then I apologise obviously, not knowing what it entailed at all (when she first said it) I was very shocked and very nervous.

No offence taken whatsoever, we are usually on the other side of people's received wisdom.

'Autism? What rubbish, it's bad parenting. Nothing that a bit of discipline and a slap won't cure.'

I'm on the autism spectrum. I've never tip toed about in my life - I'd fall over!

PS For goodness sakes don't tell you SIL that dd's extremely affectionate with people - she'll be claiming your lovely dd has Williams Syndrome instead!

Just off to give myself a bit of discipline and a slap

Wow, stunned at the responses.

All she did was text her brother and told him something she learned about.

I've seen the lists, and Autistic diagnoses for anything not on one end of the scale, gets results in everyone being on spectrum or no one.

Professionals (I hope) understand the signs more than lay people and even they can be left with it might be. But the list produced
"doesn't like this" "does this" etc, is only a few examples.

Unless you have history with SIL, all I see if someone naively learning something in a few hours, thinking "oh my" I've diagnosed something, and saying it to her brother. Whats the big deal?

Unless you think there is some truth, I can't see why you would over react like this. If you are 100% sure there is nothing then who is it going to bother? Yes she might not be so bright, but all she did was talk to her brother.

Has anyone ever put you in that position, when you already have one child that is a cause for concern?
Not everyone has as robust a sense of their own competence as a parent as you obviously have.

She didn't just gently raise a concern though, did she? She texted him to contact her "urgently"- all a bit alarmist and scare-mongering. I'm not surprised at all that the OP feels that she has over-stepped the mark.

Sounds like crappy training too, if the trainers didn't stress to the course attendees that many people have some aspects of their personalities or behaviour which could be seen through the prism of the spectrum, but that it doesn't mean they should jump on the phone and start diagnosing other people's children.

Part of having knowlege and expertise in an area is knowing the significance of the issue, and the uncertainty involved in any possible diagnosis.Unsolicited advice and diagnosis is overstepping a certain mark and how you raise and discuss the issue is difficult if its not on a professional footing: its really easy to upset, distress people and ultimately even make them avoidant about a genuine issue. (Not that it sounds that theres a genuine issue here OP!)

I think there is a problem in the way she tried to give this advice and she needs perhaps to back off and think about the nuances of handing out advice like this both for her family relationships and profession

Your sil wants to question your dd's social skills!! LOL!! How absolutly ridiculous. I work with autistic children and often laugh that my DS 'shows signs' 'ticks boxes' etc over his quirks. BUT thats where it ends. Many children have quirks that can fit the ASD spectrum but it does not mean they are autistic - I am presuming your DD goes to pre-school/school and they would have mentioned to you now if they had any slight concerns. Ignore your sil, and enjoy your 2 beautiful dd's.

The fact that the SIL was annoyed about the OP's response speaks for itself. She should have backed down and apologised, however right she felt about her diagnosis. Too much ego in the wrong place.

Have only read the OP, but my, how marvellous that people can be trained as doctors in just one day now- it will save the NHS a fortune!

Dearie, you are a lucky lucky girl to have such a charming and insightful SIL. And if she does indeed drop dead, hopefully somebody with a day's training from the same marvellous people in cardiac massage will ensure her speedy recovery

SIL is a complete muppet. Nobody save a suitably trained paed/psychologist should ever say "your child is autistic". As a SN board regular whose DS went down the autistic diagnosis process, tiptoes and talking like an adult wouldn't make me suggest any sort of need for professional opinion.

Did you know that this girl was born with an extra digit on each hand?

Tell your SIL that if she wants to go around diagnosing Autism then she can go to med school for 7 yrs and then years of long hard slog to become a consultant paedeatrician. An hour long lecture in Autism does not make her an expert.

your SIL was being insensitive, and a bit worrying considering her job... id forget about it, explain to her yourself that you found it worrying and why, she's obviously not too knowledgable on social conduct herself.

regards to your daughters extra thumb, my friend was in an accident at birth that caused her thumb to look like...well, that it was melted. she had it corrected when we were older, but i remember small children asking her why it was like that, and she told them straight out. it might be hard for your DD, but encouraging her to be relaxed about it will put everyone at ease. she's a little bit different, which makes her a lot more special and if she knows what the score is, she'll be able to handle it. i always found it interesting in that adults didnt know how to react to my friends thumb, whereas kids went 'ew' or 'oh, okay' or asked more questions. whereas adults nervously struggled for words!
and my friends mum told me she used to pretend to be a dinosaur when she was younger with the thumb!

another friend wears hearing aids and alerts new people to her needing them to speak louder or let her see their lips by just pulling her hair back, pointing to her hearing aids, and making a joke. its taken her a long time to be that confident, but everyone's definately more at ease.

my sister had an accident when she was 6 and chopped off her 2 middle fingers on one hand. luckily the drs were able to reattatch them but as a result both those fingers are 'deformed' and the nails grow funny. she is very relaxed about it and never hides them away, they were known as 'special fingers' when we were kids and i was always kind of jealous of them as i wanted special fingers too! oh and she also has one blue eye and one green one!
your daughter will only learn that she is different if you let her think that she is. so what that she has something 'wrong' with her hand? don't point it out to people, let them ask you about it.