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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that a lot of people seem to neither have an idea of how to be a guest or a host nowadays?

150 replies

LadyBiscuit · 28/04/2010 19:59

At the risk of sounding like a terrible old fogey (but I am one so I may as well embrace it), whatever happened to wanting your guests to enjoy your wedding as much as you do? Or to feel comfortable, not awkward when they are invited to your home?

And since when was it okay to go round to someone's house and dictate to them whether or not the telly is on or off? Do some of you tell people to change the CD because you can't stand Coldplay?

Are we just all so self-absorbed and egotistical nowadays that basic manners don't matter any more?

It makes me very sad and a bit worried because tolerance for people's differences and peculiarities are what makes us an integrated society. Once you decide that your way of doing things is better than everyone else's our multicultural society's a bit fucked

OP posts:
onepieceoflollipop · 28/04/2010 20:50

giveitago I don't think there is a hard and fast rule re stripping beds. Some people say that they would see it as an insult (i.e. the guest kind of saying that they had done it to ensure that the host would actually wash the bedding. )

Personally I would "make" the bed (not leave sheets all in a rumple or wet towels on the floor) or if I knew the host well I might ask him/her if they had a preference re stripping the bed.

abr1de · 28/04/2010 20:51

Only if they check first. Kind guests sometimes do this for us and it's a pain if I'm going to be busy because there's suddenly a big pile of sheets to be laundered (our house is small).

Plus, I have a Cunning System based on a sheet underneath the duvet which means I don't always have to change the cover. Except the guests always take the cover off...

expatinscotland · 28/04/2010 20:52

I let her know it'd be a lot more pleasant for all of us if she used the balcony to smoke, wukter .

I'd actually set out an old wine bucket with sand for an ashtray and a picnic chair for her comfort.

HellBent · 28/04/2010 20:52

I am a good guest after being brought up on my gran's vile orange juice and stale biscuits she got specially for us gkids. Everyone had to drink it and say thanks even though it made us feel sick. No one ever said to her how vile it was until one day she tried it herself and never bought it again! I am too polite.

JaneS · 28/04/2010 20:57

Nice, expat!

Some of the rudest people I know are my parents - 60ish. I've seen them shove complete strangers in the street without an apology - now that's cringe-worthy.

All the Californians I've met have beautiful old-fashioned manners. Is there something special about California?

hatwoman · 28/04/2010 20:57

i had a guest once who left her ds's mucky trousers on the kitchen floor next to the washing machine. I have no idea what she thought was going to happen to them.

same guest, after telling me she had "no idea" how i "did it", declared she was going to bed, and left the table without saying thank you for the meal. perish the thought that she might have helped clear the table. or even acknowledge it was a job that needed doing and make some feeble excuse for not helping. I think she must believe in the housekeeping fairy.

TragicallyHip · 28/04/2010 20:57

YANBU

DH does things like this at friends houses, fucks me right off!!

Alouiseg · 28/04/2010 21:02

"Is there something special about California?"

Yes! Very!

I'd be very smily if i lived there. American manners are beautiful.

Original poster
LadyBiscuit · 28/04/2010 21:03

This sheet thing is rather interesting - I posted a thread not so long ago saying that I was a bit shocked that two consecutive friends had left all the bedding in a crumpled heap rather than either straightening them or stripping the bed and the consensus seemed to be that I was being slightly over-demanding of my guests! I much prefer this thread

expat - I have a picture of you now, all honey-voiced and leaving men helpless in your wake

OP posts:
ThisIsSpatchcocked · 28/04/2010 21:06

My sister stayed last year and used us as a hotel for two weeks. I ferried her everywhere, cooked, cleaned etc, but she NEVER offered in the time she was there to do the dishes or cook or anything. I even did her washing!! It was like having another child! She never did it if I was out or anything off her own bat either. Drove me mad. BIL also does nothing when he stays. He quite often finishes dinner, put his plate on the floor (if we eat at the couches) and it would stay there until I picked it up1 I am NOT your mother!

pagwatch · 28/04/2010 21:06

I confess I read things on here that leave me both and [quite depressed]

It seems to be shockingly rare for people to show any respect to their parents or in laws or anyone of an older generation. If anyone is rude or offensive then they lose theright to respect in return but people are happy to be rude and ungracious with little cause. On the contrary we seem to look to show contempt..

And the quick fire - she is out of order , tell her to fuck off' without any wit always give sme a mental image of some vapid blonde on Eastenders. I think I will always associate lack of manners with stupidity even though sometimes people just don't know any better. Ill humour and selfishness are not admirable - even if you chose to describe them as being feisty or strong willed.

I am ready for my cardigan and cup of hot milk now.
Isn't the weather changeable?

bloss · 28/04/2010 21:08

Message withdrawn

onepieceoflollipop · 28/04/2010 21:09

It's a bit chilly this evening pag - may I suggest a hot water bottle, that's what we're doing here?

I agree with you, some people almost seem to want to take offence.

Original poster
LadyBiscuit · 28/04/2010 21:10

pagwatch - you are a very genteel lady. I am quite feisty and mouthy a lot of the time - in my line of work it's a prerequisite. But when I am a guest I am the model of decorum. Even when I was a PA and my boss invited me to his house in the country and his wife asked me to wipe their DD's bum the following morning, I was terribly polite when I demurred

OP posts:
Alouiseg · 28/04/2010 21:11

bloss I will observe table manners on this years trip

And report back accordingly.

expatinscotland · 28/04/2010 21:11

The worst guests I ever heard of stayed with a former boss of mine. It was her husband's brother and his wife and two kids.

This was in the US, so of course, my boss 'Sandra' could only get 3 days off for their 2-week long visit.

During which time she and her husband, both of whom worked full-time and had 3 daughters themselves, did all cooking, cleaning, shopping, etc. The BIL never put his hand in his pocket or said thanks.

The creme de la creme came one night when the BIL's kids were throwing up all over the place. His wife went to help Sandra and BIL stepped in and said, 'Don't, Terry, you're on vacation.'

At that point, Sandra's husband let his brother know the holiday was over.

Oh, and a dear friend of mine has a son who is married to a bit of a skank.

They came to Scotland from America with her 9-year-old son from a former relationship and a 9 month old daughter they had together.

The gal and her son did nowt but complain and the gal left the baby's poop nappies all over the floor, wrecked the house (and my friend's a neat nick), and then asked her for money.

They never came back to stay with them again!

geordieminx · 28/04/2010 21:12

Its the lack of thank-you's that gets to me these days.

Weddings esp, we have sent gifts/money whatever was specified, and never received as much as a thank you. Birthdays ditto.

The amount of people at dh's work who have been given vast amounts of ds's toys/books/clothes that he has outgrown, that cant even be bothered to email/text and say thanks is unbelievable. When ds was small a few friends passed down stuff to us - some was in good condition, others, not so, but I always made sure that I said thanks - usually followed up with a bottle of wine/bunch of flowers or a wee gift for their child.

Stuff gets sent to charity these days.

expatinscotland · 28/04/2010 21:13

My BIL does that, too, Spatch, because his mother waited on and still waits on him hand and foot.

DH picks him on it and orders him to pick up after himself and forces him to clean up.

LOL.

He usually stays in lodges or hotels when he comes over because he knows DH will make him work.

Alouiseg · 28/04/2010 21:14

I always send a handwritten card after a dinner party and my ds send thank you cards within 10 days or gifts are under threat of removal! Usually does the trick.

pagwatch · 28/04/2010 21:14

I always admire a well delivered demur

I like feisty too! I just don't like appalling rudeness dismissed as feistiness.
They are not the same.
One is all flame haired, wild eyed and faintly erotic whilst the other is some woman calling another a slag on Jeremy Kyle

expatinscotland · 28/04/2010 21:15

'Even when I was a PA and my boss invited me to his house in the country and his wife asked me to wipe their DD's bum the following morning, I was terribly polite when I demurred '

What.the.fuck?

Where was her nanny?!

'Oh, dear, you're not telling me you ran off your nanny now, are you, Mrs. Bitch?'

Bree Van De Kamp smile.

Then turn on your heel and walk out the room.

That's Southern for 'Fuck You'.

pagwatch · 28/04/2010 21:16
geordieminx · 28/04/2010 21:16

yy to thank you cards... it doesnt exactly take a lot of effort does it?

expatinscotland · 28/04/2010 21:17

She qualifies as 'bad host', LadyB.

Nemofish · 28/04/2010 21:17

Feeling relieved having read this thread. Went to stay at my sister in laws great big posh house and washed up and tidied kitchen, washed dh + dd's clothes and stripped the bed and cleaned and tidied generally before we left. Was a bit nervous about being thought of as rude. I guess she wasn't just being polite when she said 'oh thank you, you really didn't have to to to all that trouble...'

Oh yes I do, you live in the Lake District and I like cheap holidays

She loves having guests though.