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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want people to wear shoes over my lovely oak floor

278 replies

Carameli · 28/04/2010 13:56

we have since we moved been doing some major renovations to our house. It is now at an end and as we put really nice oak flooring in the living room and dining room we decided to have a no shoes rule in the house. Lots of my friends do this and it works fine.
I also lived in Finland for a few years where it is the norm and expected that you take off your shoes when you go into someone's house.
My stumbling block is my mum and dad who refuse to and have said they will sit in the kitchen rather than take off their shoes.
I love my parents dearly and but feel so upset over this. Have just had an email from my mum saying she does not know when my father will want to visit us again. What am I meant to say. My worry is he comes in with a stone on his shoe and we end up with a big scratch on the wood or I am not ale to invite them over for dinner etc etc(thinking ahead to Christmas etc etc birthdays)

arrrgggg. feel so frustrated.

OP posts:
sleepingsowell · 28/04/2010 14:49

"as if he couldn't be trusted to wipe his feet or check whether there were stones in his shoes"

exactly clara. It makes you feel like a great galumphing idiot - that people think you would make a mess of their precious house unless you are 'told' to take your shoes off.

Thediaryofanobody · 28/04/2010 14:51

YANBU I feel it's very rude to keep shoes on inside someone else's house.
They are trying to play power games with you, don't back down they'll eventually realise they are being silly.

Missus84 · 28/04/2010 14:51

They seem like they're being deliberately difficult.

I don't have nice floors, but I still like people to take their shoes off as I think it's nicer to leave outside shoes at the door. Always did this growing up too, and expect to take my shoes off when I go to other people's houses.

pagwatch · 28/04/2010 14:53

FWIW my thoughts are

proper floors look better worn. Thats the point. My house is from the 1840s and I am trying to find original wood to replace the flooring in the dining room. Brand spangly shiny wood is a bit footballers wives.

My parents are more important than my floor.

My dad would have regarded it as upsetting and discourteous to be asked to remove his shoes. I would not have been so disrespectful.

I can't imagine saying to my children 'sorry you haven't seen grandad. I know you really miss him but he won't take his shoes off and the floor must be shiny and new looking...'

VoilaAnotherGimlet · 28/04/2010 14:54

I'm with thediary and all the others - shoes off is the rule in ours, and I can't see why it would be a problem for your parents to respect your feelings especially if you've bought slippers for them to pad around in (my Mum brings her own slippers to ours!) BIL has been the only one to make an issue for us, and then only cos he likes to make an issue rather than over principal (IL family scandinavian - is the norm to remove shoes on entering homes). Had a friend's boyf make some sarky remarks about being precious over carpet.....but I know they don't own a home let alone have purchased new carpet so will be observing with interest how he feels when he has! (though obv will say nowt)

thumbwitch · 28/04/2010 14:55

Carameli - as a compromise, can you provide them with a sort of slipper overshoe thing that they can wear? When I visited a musem in Russia they had these for all the visitors because the museum was someone's house and they didn't want the parquet floor to be trashed.

The overshoes were like big bathroom slipper things - you could get some oversized ones for your parents to wear over their shoes, maybe. A compromise! these are the sort of things I'm talking about but this is an American site.

Personally I always ask people if it's shoes off or on at their house - I wouldn't dream of being so rude as to walk all over their house in shoes if that wasn't their way (but I have a lot of international friends, many of whom have "no shoes indoors" policies, maybe that makes a difference)

VoilaAnotherGimlet · 28/04/2010 14:57

principle

scurryfunge · 28/04/2010 14:59

How about these at the door? crime scene shoes lol

VoilaAnotherGimlet · 28/04/2010 15:00

pagwitch isn't OP's dad also being a bit disrespectful of his daughter's feelings? I'm finding it hard to imagine a doting grandparent deciding they would rather not see the gkids than take off their shoes. Does sound a bit like a power struggle rather than an actual shoe-related issue.

VoilaAnotherGimlet · 28/04/2010 15:02

Also (sorry - should have thought responses through in full) OP could you come at it from the "no shoes indoors" angle rather than the "I don't trust you with my beautiful new boards" angle? (Apols if already mentioned - skim-read thread)

Joolyjoolyjoo · 28/04/2010 15:03

Maybe they have horrendous verrucas or septic toenails or , or, athletes foot and suppurating corns, though!!

Shodan · 28/04/2010 15:05

Why not ask them to crawl?

Then they can leave their shoes on and your shiny wooden floor can stay that way.

Plus, they will be polishing it as they go!

Win win.

chenin · 28/04/2010 15:07

I find it totally and utterly bizarre for people to insist visitors take off shoes to enter a house. I go to a museum, a pub, a hospital, a restaurant, a hotel room... I don't feel obliged to take my shoes off. I think it is damn rude to insist anyone does

It is only floors after all.. what the hell does it matter? Our neighbours when we have them round.. the husband always insists on taking his shoes off and the sight of his sweaty misshapen feet in faded socks is revolting. I am close to asking him to keep his shoes ON.

Why on earth are people so precious about their houses? It is people that matter.. not pristine floors. That's why hoovers, floor wax and cleaning products were invented.... to CLEAN floors.

I also know of another couple who have the odd party... not many people go usually... they insist everyone (all dressed up in fab party gear) take off their shoes. I buy my lovely shoes to co-ordinate with my outfit and now don't go to their parties.. it is anal in the extreme to insist on bare feet in your house.

Alouiseg · 28/04/2010 15:07

Shoes being worn in the house is a pet hate.

Mud, stones, animal grot, dirt, tarmac........ they all get trodden on with shoes why on earh would anyone want all that on their floors, especially with a crawling child or children that sit and play on the floor.

Ma and Pa fit in or eff off, would be my response, i bet when you were younger it was "their house their rules"??

Well it's your house and if you don't want Benzene on your floors from them standing at the petrol station then fair enough.

pagwatch · 28/04/2010 15:09

I tend to the view that, unless there is clear reason to err the opposite way, then our parents deserve our respect.
And I think if you invite people to your home the onus is also on you to care for their comfort.

( I am sticking with this out of self interest as I have extremely respectful children and long may it continue)

My father was the kind of man who wore shirts with a collar everyday. My mother is also fastidious about her appearance. Their background equates shoeless with poverty and shame.
Asking them to take their shoes off is not as relaxed an issue as it is to most people under 50.
I recognise that some older people find it . I am 'only' in my 40 but I find the idea of being invited into someones home and then asked to take your shoes off really weird.
Entertaining used to be all aboutthe comfort of the visitor - now it is about the host showing off their lovely home a la OK magazine.

Obviously differant nationalities and countries have different customs...

pagwatch · 28/04/2010 15:10

sorry - I was answering Viola

BendyBob · 28/04/2010 15:10

I can't workout if the grandparents are BU for saying they'll not come round if they have to take their shoes off or you are BU for considering not seeing them anymore cos they won't take their shoes off!

Either way it seems a hell of thing to fall out about.

Oak floors have been around for 100's of years in houses. Most stately homes have them. I'm wondering if the occupents of years gone by were told to get their shoes off. I have visions of Tudors hopping about in doorways taking off their shoes and grumbling about 'ye shoes off rule'.

pagwatch · 28/04/2010 15:17

ye shoes off

We have a bit in one of out floors where it has worn down to a dip just as you enter the room. I love it. It reminds me of how longthis house has been here - how many people lived here. It is also the bit where the kitchen staff came into the main house so had a lot of traffic so the bit one side is old but posh wood whilst the other is tiles for the staff. Its part of the character of the house.
Houses should look like they have human contact. I hate sterility

Deux · 28/04/2010 15:19

Oh dear what a dilema. Are your parents normally quite easy-going as the first thing I thought when I read your post was that it sounds really controlling of them.

Do you know why they don't want to take their shoes off? I think you should consider offering them over-shoes if it bothers you that much. Seems a bit of a stand-off. You can buy a big box of elasticated plastic ones.

As an aside, I do think that people are less vigilant about feet wiping than they used to be and blame this on hard-floors and their relative ease of cleaning compared to carpet. My in-laws are terrible at not wiping their feet.

That said, I'd never ask anyone to take their shoes off. I am though often to be found yelling 'who's trailed all this mud into the house?'

diddl · 28/04/2010 15:21

OP- I think the overshoes are the way to go.
They get to keep their shoes on-you don´t have to worry about dirt/scratches on your oak floor.

Win win

Missus84 · 28/04/2010 15:24

I never realised people were that bothered about taking their outdoor shoes off! We always did at home as children, always at grandparents and friends houses, and I lived in Germany for a few years where it was a given.

Seems so rude to me to wear your dirty outdoor shoes into someone's house

pagwatch · 28/04/2010 15:28

It is so shocking isn't it, this whole 'people have different experiences and views' thing.

islandofsodor · 28/04/2010 15:28

YABU. I would prefer to sit in the klitchen or not visit at all if I had to take my shoes off.

pagwatch · 28/04/2010 15:30

aw come to mine island.We can wear our shoes,have coffee and I won't even put a coaster down

Hullygully · 28/04/2010 15:31

We are no shoes, but guests' comfort comes first (agree with pagwitch (sic and hee hee) on hospitality rules) so it is up to them whether they take them off or not.