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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to want to go away with my ex?

63 replies

monkeybum1 · 26/04/2010 13:04

Bit of history.....About 2 weeks ago h2b and I split due to several issues ? his anxiety/depression, being in a relationship for over 5 years and neither one of us really doing what we want to do before we settle down. We realised we were getting married for the wrong reasons (pressures from family etc.) and mutually decided to split, and do all the things we?ve wanted but thought we couldn?t ? e.g. I?m moving to London, he?s travelling. We?re still living together at the moment while I work my notice and we get the house stuff sorted, and it?s all very friendly ? no arguments or bad feelings. We both still love each other and will remain friends, but we?re no longer sharing a bed or kiss/cuddle (apart from a cheeky cuddle when I was feeling very low one day).

Now he?s decided he?s going to Center Parcs next weekend for a break, and asked me to come along too. I?d love to go as I love CP (we were planning on going in September before we split) but I?m not sure if I should. We get along fine and would be more than comfortable staying the same room (I?d insist on twin beds!) but I know people will think it?s odd. AIBU in considering going???

OP posts:
Ivykaty44 · 26/04/2010 13:06

he may have got the worng idea after your cheecky cuddle - you may be low but you then can't ask for cuddle as men often see this as very very different.

Original poster
monkeybum1 · 26/04/2010 13:06

Thanks for answering my question....

OP posts:
gingernutlover · 26/04/2010 13:09

i think you need to speak to him properly before you decide.

ask him why he has invited you and what he expects to happen on the weekend (if anything!)

YesYouMust · 26/04/2010 13:09

If your both comfortable with the situation and there are no kids to be confused, go for it.

he may have got the worng idea after your cheecky cuddle - you may be low but you then can't ask for cuddle as men often see this as very very different.'

Whatever

addictedisinthesecondtrimester · 26/04/2010 13:11

she did answer your question.

And i agree with her. He may have the wrong idea, be hoping for reconsiliation during the weekend away. If you were to agree i think you woukd have to know what you want out of it and be very clear with ex.

gingernutlover · 26/04/2010 13:12

just reread your OP and realised you only "split" 2 weeks ago, I would certainly eb asking him why he wants to go to center parcs with someone he doesnt want to "be with" anymore

either he honestly thinks you can just skip straight to being best of mates with no strings

or he is regretting the split and wants to make up

FabIsGoingToGetFit · 26/04/2010 13:14

You need to stop doing things because of other people and stop worrying about what they might think. You also need to discuss things with him and how he sees the weekend panning out.

Original poster
monkeybum1 · 26/04/2010 13:25

We've always been best friends as well as partners, and to be honest the last 2 weeks has been okay - there's obviously feelings there but we respect each other's decisions and know that it is definately over.

I think I made myself pretty clear with the whole twin bed request - as I said before, there is no bad feeling between either of us and we know the split is best for us, is it that rare for a couple to split without arguements or negativity???

gingernutlove - it was never a case of skipping "straight to best friends" (sorry hate the word "mate") because we always have been friends and there's no difference.

And I'm sorry Ivykate44 but I am not going to either deny myself or him a cuddle when we're upset....you've obviously never had a platonic male friend!

OP posts:
SeasideLil · 26/04/2010 13:28

Well, I've had lots of platonic male friends, but then I wasn't in a long term relationship with any of them. I don't think it's unreasonable to go, but it will muddy the water. Plus, it's hardly moving on when you've only managed to spend one weekend together. I think you could be in danger of playing the 'oh, we're just good friends' card and fooling either yourself or him. But this really doens't matter in the scheme of things.

traceybath · 26/04/2010 13:28

So cheeky cuddle was just a cuddle - sorry, I assumed you meant more than that.

I'd personally not go - and I've had very amicable splits in the past. But it just gets a bit confusing and takes longer to get used to if you still do 'couple' stuff together.

SeasideLil · 26/04/2010 13:29

I meant you have only spent one weekend apart!

Original poster
monkeybum1 · 26/04/2010 13:33

It wouldn't be couply - just 2 friends enjoying a weekend away. Although I understand how it could be construed that way.

We've not spent any weekends apart, if we didn't go we'd just be at the house anyway so I don't think it makes that much difference...but it helps to get other peoples opinions so thank you!!!

OP posts:
addictedisinthesecondtrimester · 26/04/2010 13:35

i also thought a cheeky cuddle was more than that. I still think you would be on dodgy ground without a proper conversation about what you both expected. After all you only split 2 weeks ago

alle01 · 26/04/2010 13:36

i don't think there is anything wrong with cuddles, good on you for still being friends!, the answer to your question is simple: if you want to go, go, if you are good friends, he'll understand nothing is going to happen, but, if you want to reconsider, it is your right, whatever makes you happy, if you feel it is weird to go and you would be uncomfortable, don't go, he should be able to understand that, it is all very recent, take your time to decide, the golden rule: be happy!, the rest of the world can play along or f**ck off, their choice.

tethersend · 26/04/2010 13:37

going away with him is a terrible idea.

You haven't actually split up yet. You are still living together, and putting one another first.

If you are serious about splitting up, you both need to know what it's like when the other one is not around, and him going away is the perfect opportunity to do this.

You need to make a break, and yes, that means absolutely no cuddles; you may get to a point further down the line when you are friends, but you need to make the break first.

You can't just downgrade a relationship to a friendship by not sleeping together- it tends to be a bit more emotionally complicated than that.

"is it that rare for a couple to split without arguements or negativity???"

You just haven't had the arguments and negativity...yet. Arguments and negativity are a positive and healthy part of breaking up. Don't assume you won't have them because you haven't yet. You have only been 'split up' (without actually splitting) for two weeks. There's probably -unfortunately- a lot of emotional fall-out to come.

Do you mind if I ask how old you are?

Original poster
monkeybum1 · 26/04/2010 13:44

tethersend - how blo0dy patronising are you?! I'm 25 and therefore old enough to know my own mind and my own relationship, and furthermore you have no right to assume anything because of my age. There is no negativity or arguements because we are both adults who realise that this split is for the best - infact the only thing that has been negative is your response!!!

We have split up - whether you think so or not is another matter. The only things we still do together are eat dinner about twice a week and the food shopping - since when are they exclusively "couple-y" activities?

I appreciate your opinion but you are so very wrong, in both your patronising manner in which you wrote your reply and your assumption regarding to age.

OP posts:
minipie · 26/04/2010 13:46

I know this is a bit of a tangent but I'm not really sure why you split in the first place... the reasons you mentioned are good reasons for not getting married (at least not now) but not sure they are good reasons for splitting up altogether? when you combine that with the fact you still love each other, get on well, seemingly want to go on hols together, etc, it seems unclear to me that splitting up is what you both really want?

But obviously I know very little about your situation and there may be lots of reasons you haven't mentioned ... It's just the reaction I had to your post.

rookiemater · 26/04/2010 13:48

Agree with tethersend.

Whilst you certainly aren't unreasonable for wanting to go away, goodness I would be delighted to get a break to Centerparcs, in any break up it would be naive to assume that at least one of the ex partners does not harbour romantic feelings towards the other.
On this basis it isn't a terribly good idea to go away together.

kickassangel · 26/04/2010 13:48

well, i've done similar, at about that age. people quite often gradually move into a rlationship, and i don't see why you can't gradually move away - in fact, it's quite artificial to suddenly cut all contact with someone you've benn close to for a long time.

so long as you're both clear about the boundaries & what you want from this weekend.

Mermaidspam · 26/04/2010 13:51

monkeybum1 - if you didn't want anyone to question you, I'm afraid you've posted in the wrong place.

tethersend · 26/04/2010 13:52

"tethersend - how blo0dy patronising are you?! I'm 25 and therefore old enough to know my own mind and my own relationship, and furthermore you have no right to assume anything because of my age. There is no negativity or arguements because we are both adults who realise that this split is for the best - infact the only thing that has been negative is your response!!! "

Hang on a minute... you're posting in AIBU

Sweetheart, I held back. If you are so worldly-wise at the grand old age of 25, then don't post on an internet forum asking for opinions. If you think you have a clear picture of single life whilst still living, eating, shopping and going away together (for a whole 2 weeks), then you are deluded.

I suggest you re-read this thread in a years' time.

Original poster
monkeybum1 · 26/04/2010 13:53

minipie - the anxiety/depression became too much. It was controlling our lives and we weren't living, just existing. We decided to be selfish and do what we wanted to do, rather than doing what the other person wanted. But we are both grown ups and as stated previously, have been and always will be good friends. We were friends long before we got together as a couple and we see no reason why that can't continute in the future.

rookiemater - obviously love doesn't stop immeadiately, but we'd been nothing more than friends really for months. We stopped being a couple when the anxiety took hold and all couple type things went out of the window. Which is another reason to bite the bullet and actually talk to eachother about it, and therefore split.

OP posts:
gingernutlover · 26/04/2010 13:54

precisely what I though minipie, but thought maybe I was missing something.

You sound like you are good together, you also sound like you have made your mind up about going to centerparcs - not sure why you posted this tbh, if you are happy to go and like you say you know the situation far better than anyone else

Original poster
monkeybum1 · 26/04/2010 13:56

tethersend - again with the patronising. You may think I'm a child but your opinion of a 25 year old is very different to the adult I actually am.

I posted for opinions, not to be talked down to by someone who is judging me based on their own experiences.

OP posts:
GibbonInARibbon · 26/04/2010 13:57

lol at you have split up

erm..no petal. You haven't.