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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be a bit freaked by this man?

71 replies

NoseyNooNoo · 24/04/2010 23:44

I went to the GP surgery yesterday with 3yr old Daughter - just a quick in and out to collect a prescription.

As we queued there was an old man who tried to make conversation with DD but she didn't like it, which is a surprise because she's normally very sociable. Eventually she asked me to pick her up and I cuddled her as I queued. I suddenly realised the man was practically against me, against my arm trying to get DD to look at him. I told him she didn't like it, and to myself thought 'get out of my personal space'.

So, once receptionist has gone off to get my prescription I realise he is holding her hand, trying to put a £1 coin in her hand to say sorry. We then had a bit of a tussle whilst I tried to get his hand off my daughter and the coin out of her hand. I said that we couldn't/wouldn't take his money. He said 'no,no, don't be silly' but eventually I was able to seperate their hands and the coin and return it.

As I was buckling DD into the car (we'd made a hasty exit), I saw him on the other side of the road, I think trying to get our attention.

Meanwhile DD hadn't liked it and I explained that we don't take money from people we don't know and that it was very nice of the man to say sorry but that we don't have to pay someone to show that we are sorry.

I felt a bit freaked by it all but then again he may have just been a lonely old man.

So, was I being a meanie or was I right to keep him away from DD?

OP posts:

MrsSawdust · 24/04/2010 23:57

I think his behaviour was inappropriate but he was very likely harmless.

I think you were a bit of a meanie - you could have been friendly and chatted to him while subtly moving dd to your other side so that he wasn't in her face - but on the other hand I totally understand that your protective instincts kicked in. So yes, yab a bit u, but forgivably so.

brook1 · 24/04/2010 23:58

Its very likely that he was a lonely old man who thought your dd was lovely and there is probably nothing more sinister to it than that. But, the way things are now, its understandable to be apprehensive about strange men around your dd.

My grandad (who died about 15yrs ago) absolutely loved children and it is probably the kind of thing he would have done. I know that its a very old fashioned thing to do to give a child money but I have great-uncles who still give my dc a £1 coin when they see them even though they barely know them. Its not a way of paying someone to show that they are sorry, I dont know where it stems from but I am northern and of old irish catholic roots, dont know if it stems from anything there, but it was quite common for my older relatives to give money to children for an ice-cream etc...

DuelingFanjo · 25/04/2010 00:00

I think perhaps you should try not to scare your child and that maybe your reaction made her feel more scared and uncomfortable than she needed to be.

zippy539 · 25/04/2010 00:02

TBH nothing was going to happen to your DD while you were with her - apart from her getting irritated by the old man being a bit in her face.

There's a very old man around our way that wanders the streets with a pocket full of pound coins and he presses one on every kid he meets. It's a bit embarrassing when we run into him because I don't like the idea of us getting money from anyone (though the dcs love it!). But I've never seen anything 'suspicious' or 'dubious' in it - he does it when the parents are there - it's not like he's trying to tempt them into a car with the promise of sweeties or cash.

I would put it out of your mind.

Thediaryofanobody · 25/04/2010 00:04

I think you over reacted TBH.

HellBent · 25/04/2010 00:05

Giving money to kids is still quite a common thing in Scotland, when they were smaller DD and DS used to get given 'pennies' all the time, but they are the cutest children ever!

In this situation I would have lifted child up on the other side of me and continued talking. Once man was gone I would have explained that it is ok to say hello to strangers when mummy is there but never on their own. Some people are a bit crazy (sorry if this offends it is the word I use after a woman with mental health issues across the road started shouting at me while with DD!) and you should be polite but stay with mummy.

Original poster

NoseyNooNoo · 25/04/2010 00:05

I didn't think he was going to do anything to DD. For some reason DD was upset by him and asked to be picked up and then suddenly he was upon us which freaked her out and I didn't feel I could let him/anyone give her money (actually at that point I was think more along the lines that he needed the money more than us).

I know IABU. I think I just wanted to 'let it out' because I've felt uncomfortable it and how I dealt with it.

OP posts:

gtamom · 25/04/2010 00:10

I think your dd was safe with you, and he is probably odd but harmless. I wouldn't have let her have the coin (or anything either, from a stranger.)

zippy539 · 25/04/2010 00:12

Was going to ask if you're in Scotland NoseyNooNoo - despite our tight reputation it seems we're very fond of giving away money!

Original poster

NoseyNooNoo · 25/04/2010 00:16

No, I'm in the South East - not used to strangers giving DD money.

DD even said afterwards that she didn't need the £1 coin because she has 'lots of money at home' - not sure where she's stashing it then!

OP posts:

scottishmummy · 25/04/2010 00:22

giving weans money an ole biddie thing to do

nickschick · 25/04/2010 00:33

Im in the north west and its quite common for ds3 to be offered £1 coins of older gentlemen and ladies,in fact a friend of my stepfather tried to give him £10 the other week however ds3 is taught to be very polite and say thankyou but that ok its just nice having chatted with you .

BitOfFun · 25/04/2010 00:36

It's an old person thing. I think you over-reacted and it makes me feel a bit sad, tbh.

pigletmania · 25/04/2010 00:42

YABabitU but probably understandable on your part considering society today. He was probably just a lonely old man who liked your dd and agree with others giving money is an old fashioned thing to do. There was probaly nothing sinister about him, just your dd did not like him, my dd who is 3 is weary of most new people and strangers, just her as i am a very sociable outgoing person, dh is really shy.

SpringHeeledJack · 25/04/2010 00:46

round 'ere- SE London- and East London, now I come to think of it- it's not uncommon for old folk you've never met before to give kids- well, babies, usually- pound coins

It's ruder to reject it than accept, imo/ime. Sorry, I know you've already said yabu, so that's probably not a helpful thing to say.

I'm a bit pissed though

beagle101 · 25/04/2010 01:00

Wow I think yaNbu at all and shouldnt feel uncomfortable - it may be that this was a poor lonely man and he may have been harmless BUT he was freaking your daughter out, getting in very close to you and your daughter and took hold of her hand - what else were you supposed to do in that moment????

For the record - I am Scottish (although now living in Sout East) am used to the older people giving money out thing (and made out like a bandit myself when small ) but given you had an upset child and a strange man getting in close to you both (no matter how harmless) I think removing his hand from your child, returning the money and beating a hasty retreat is absoutely fine - although I seem to be the only one ...

Coldhands · 25/04/2010 10:25

I don't think YABU. I wouldn't have liked this. Particularly as your DD was the one who didn't like him first.

I have always had a bit of a 'thing'' about certain men, I don't know why but I remember being quite young and running away from a man because he gave me the creeps. My nan told me to always trust my instincts.

Yes this man was probably harmless and didn't mean anything, but I don't care who it is, if I feel uncomfortable, as you and your DD obviously did, then there is nothing wrong in acting the way that you did.

I can't stand people being in my personal space either, does my head in, and that goes for DH sometimes too.

StealthPolarBear · 25/04/2010 10:28

I don't think YABU and I think your explanation to your daughter was very reasonable - no stranger danger or scaremongering, just sensible precautions.

waitingforbedtime · 25/04/2010 10:31

I think you were pretty mean tbh. He sounds like he was embarrassed and was trying to make amends. I feel for him. Also, I would have just said thank you very much for the £1 and not scare my child further by having a tussle.

aSilverLining · 25/04/2010 10:36

Very normal here (NE) for older people to give kiddies coins.

My nanna is very in people's personal space and she never used to be, I think it is her sight and hearing being less than it used to be. I hate people being in my personal space and can be very unsociable so I can see why it freaked you and your DD out but I do feel sorry for the man who more than likely was completely harmless.

sparkle12mar08 · 25/04/2010 10:45

I'm with Coldhands and beagle on this - YAdefNBU. You'd already told him she didn't like him being so close, yet he still came even closer and held her hand as well? That's just not the sort of thing an adult should do. It's not about potential 'dodginess', but about plain old sensitivity. He knew she was uncomfortable yet carried on doing the very thing that was making her feel that way. That alone means YANBU in my book. And then he continued to try and keep hold of her hand and you had to make him let go? That would make me very angry indeed. I think you did well to keep control of the situation - I would have been a lot more vocal in telling him to back away - and you gave your daughter a perfectly decent explanation too. Don't doubt yourself, you did just fine!

lisianthus · 25/04/2010 13:50

YANBU, for exactly the reasons given by sparkle12mar08.

thelunar66 · 25/04/2010 14:02

Its quite normal for older people to press a coin into a child's hand. It's some old superstition about it bring the child wealth when they grow up, or something like that - well meaning.

I remember old men pressing silver coins into my hand when I was small and my mum trying to hide her horror of germs etc

prettyfly1 · 25/04/2010 14:09

I think you were unreasonable - I could have understood your dislike of her being touched but the tussle?

You could so easily have relaxed your daughter, moved her away and given him the time of day- the money thing is normal and my babies have both been given coins at times - I find it slightly embarrassing but its a tradition and people are trying to be kind.

This sort of thing makes me sad. Some men are dangerous but the vast majority are not and being old isnt a precursor to being a sex offender - more just being very lonely - I have a horrible image of very uncomfortable old man feeling mortified and sad now. The likeliehood is a paedophile would have horrors at bringing attention to themselves like that particularly when parents are there.

prettyfly1 · 25/04/2010 14:10

and I meant to say at the end (sorry being too quick)..;

would as a result have been very unlikely to follow you outside to get your attention in that way.

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