To be a bit freaked by this man?

[NoseyNooNoo]

I went to the GP surgery yesterday with 3yr old Daughter - just a quick in and out to collect a prescription.

As we queued there was an old man who tried to make conversation with DD but she didn't like it, which is a surprise because she's normally very sociable. Eventually she asked me to pick her up and I cuddled her as I queued. I suddenly realised the man was practically against me, against my arm trying to get DD to look at him. I told him she didn't like it, and to myself thought 'get out of my personal space'.

So, once receptionist has gone off to get my prescription I realise he is holding her hand, trying to put a £1 coin in her hand to say sorry. We then had a bit of a tussle whilst I tried to get his hand off my daughter and the coin out of her hand. I said that we couldn't/wouldn't take his money. He said 'no,no, don't be silly' but eventually I was able to seperate their hands and the coin and return it.

As I was buckling DD into the car (we'd made a hasty exit), I saw him on the other side of the road, I think trying to get our attention.

Meanwhile DD hadn't liked it and I explained that we don't take money from people we don't know and that it was very nice of the man to say sorry but that we don't have to pay someone to show that we are sorry.

I felt a bit freaked by it all but then again he may have just been a lonely old man.

So, was I being a meanie or was I right to keep him away from DD?

Sorry OP, this may have been asked - but would you have felt the same way if it was an elderly lady?

My two are always coming home with pennies from old people we meet.

I agree it seems you went a bit OTT. Theres teaching kids about stranger danger and theres scaring them witless for no reason. You were there, no harm would have come to her and he seems like he was just being a friendly old boy.

I think you were totally U, and actually rather unpleasant. And set a very bad example to your child.

It's extremely unlikely he was up to something sinister in full view of the receptionist and doctors waiting room, you were right to pick her up if she was uncomfortable, but totally ov er-reacted to her being given a coin. People in this country are paranoid about children being touched by others, when I go to my husband's country, it's perfectly normal for strangers to ruffle children's hair, or offer them a sweet or bend down and chuck under their chin. They are not assaulting them, the parents are there and no-one thinks it's a big deal. I was once on a flight home and the young man (from this country) played with my dd2 all the way home, playing peekaboo and wiggling his hands through the seats, and initially I felt quite uncomfortable, until I realised he was with all his friends and that in their culture, young twenty something males actually do interact and play with children without anyone thinking they are a child molester (on a crowded plane). In the Middle East men are often quite tactile with young children, and when we visited restaurants before I had children, the waiters and waitresses would pick up my friend's child and play with them (again in full view of the parents). I find all this quite sad really, like other posters. It's very unlikely he meant any harm.

I've also noticed men from my husband's country are very physical with children, I mean friends we visit, who will pick the children up and swing them around for hours. Again, most of my male English friends look at children like they are an alien species and aren't nearly as physical, even with their own children and certainly not with others. My husband hates the UK attitude that all men interacting with children are weird (especially as he was banned from the mother and baby swimming!)

This has made me very sad actually.The old man was just trying to be friendly , and sounds as though possibly he wasn't 100% complis mentis.
I would have turned round and chatted to the man 1) to be polite and 2) to show your DD he wasn't scary.
Instead you embarassed him by whipping your DD into your arms and treating him as some sort of weirdo or paedo.

Thank you for such a range of responses. Yes, it was a sad situation, perhaps I could have handled it better but I didn't have time to consider my response. I think I was a bit perturbed by DD's response since she is usually very open with strangers. At that time I wasn't thinking of him as a wierdo or paedo, as commented here.

For the record, I wasn't rude, I wasn't aggressive, I was assertive.

Drama in Pyjamas - I wouldn't have liked anyone, male or female, coming into my daughter's personal space if she wasn't receptive to it at that time and I wouldn't allow her to take money from a lady. I'm not comfortable taking money, or having her take money, from a stranger and I was thinking perhaps an old person would need it more than us (to generalise). I'm sure my parents wouldn't have allowed me to take something for free from someone, in fact now I think about it I'm sure I can remember such instances as a child myself and my mum refusing on my behalf, much to my annoyance.

I kind of hope I do bump into the man again though so that I can make my piece.

SeaSide - my DH from Middle East also

Which country is your DH from? Agree with the attitude towards children there - DH's friends will scoop DS up and cuddle him to bits - nothing sinister in it at all- they love children over there

Uh, I don't think you were being unreasonable at all. Trust your instincts, that's what I say. I would also trust your daughter's reactions too. My son is like that, very sociable and friendly but with this sort of subconscious "threat detector". I think he picks up on a lot more than I do. When he was a baby, I used to push him round the park in his pram, it was a huge park with lots of quite isolated areas. There was this old man who often used to approach me in a way I dismissed as harmless and friendly until he accosted me when nobody was around and felt my bum!! It made my life a misery trying to avoid him after that, I had to be really careful about when I went into the park in case he was lurking somewhere, he was so persistent, it was horrible. I wish I'd trusted my instincts and ignored him from the start.

He sounds harmless to me. My grandad loves kids and everytime he ges shopping with Nan he always scares at least one mother by cooing at a little'un and tickling them or something! Thankfully they usually have their foster kids with them so it isn't as uncomfortable as it could be!

I totally agree thesecondcoming.

Well, there's no reason whatsoever for anyone to interact with anyone outside the family at all, if you think about it. Except that for the main part, it's a nicer world if you do. I agree that the OP did the right thing by picking up her daughter if she felt uncomfortable, just think she overreacted to him giving a coin. But then, I don't mind people patting my bump (if they've chatted a bit first and asked) or commenting on my children's appearance (she's a tiny little thing) or patting their heads or giving my children a coin (again, with me there) and lots of other things that apparently are 'out of order' on MN.

And, I do think this 'only touch children you know' thing is not universal, it's not the same in other cultures, that's exactly why men in the UK end up leaving crying children stranded at the top of play equipment, as they know if they lift them down, some mum might come rushing over shouting 'hands off my child'.

Poor old man.

VERY normal scenario in my part of Scotland. I fully endorse it! Does not happen so much now kids are older and uglier.I would have been saying "say hello to the nice man"

Sorry you felt uncomfortable but you can't control your instincts about these things.

YWNBU

If you and your child felt uncomfortable then you had every right to move away. The man probably was harmless, but you haven't suggested that he wasn't have you. It still doesn't make it ok to foist yourself on strange kids.

Perhaps he is a sad and lonely person, and if so that's a pity. But it isn't your responsibility to help the lonely by allowing them to get uncomfortably close to your kids.

I'm not suggesting anything sinister at all, but just the usual body space that one would allow an adult. Your DD has a right to that space and privacy too.

A drunk man once ruffled my son 's hair in a cafe and gave him a packet of sweets. I made him say thanks and share them with his brother and sister.

My Canadian friend looked on aghast !
It's very much a cultural thing, I think

As I said initially - it's not about thinking he might be a 'wierdo' or a 'paedo' or that there might be cultural differences. It's the fact that as a grown man he made a small child feel uncomfortable AND THEN DIDN'T STOP WHEN ASKED TO! Surely any decent adult, regardless of culture, would not want to continue making a child feel uncomfortable when they've been asked not to? Personally I think the mum handled it fine - it doesn't seem like she was rude or aggressive to me. Why would she not want to help her daughter in a situation where she was being made to feel acutely uncomfortable? And if he wasn't fully with it as some have suggested, then yes that's a shame, but it doesn't mean that Noseynoonoo should have to let her daughter continue to feel awkward or threatened by him. I can't be the only one seeing it this way?

YANBU. It's a good idea to teach your daughter that she doesn't owe anything to people (especially men) who make her feel uncomfortable or push their attentions on to her. Her instinct was to be suspicious and that may well have been the right instinct. She felt he was being strange and could sense something unusual in his manner. IM(very unhappy)E children who behave nicely because they don't want to upset anyone are in a vulnerable position.

I think you were quite right to be polite but firm with the man, and not to encourage your daughter to accept attention or a gift she didn't want.

He probably was just a little lonely. I remember being in Dublin and walking behind an old man. He was popping coins into the coat pockets of little kids as he walked along "get some sweeties, darlin'". The children's mums generally turned and smiled at him.

I think I would have firmly refused, or told him to put it in the church collection box. Getting stressed would stress out the little one. I do know why you felt this way - it would slightly freak me out too (sad times we live in).

the elderly sometimes get few chances to interact with small children. I cared for my mother and took my grandchilren and their friends to visit her in sheltered accomodation nearly every day. She loved it, it gave her great joy at the end of her life.

we also made sure we poppped into the communal room when the residents were having tea or socialising. There were people there who through differing abilities/illnesses/circumstances etc had very little contact with children and who loved to talk to them. Obviously I was with them all the time and read each situation and intervened if the resident was not child-keen. I meet one of the workers recently and she asked if we would pop in again even though my mum died last year.

I feel OP just panicked and that she over reacted butI am sad that some of you give the impression that your children are so precious they must never come into contact with anyone who isn't young and clean and not impaired in any way. My grandchildren know that elderly people may not see or hear them very well and that you have to change how you communicate accordingly.

How can we teach politeness, tolerance, empathy and kindness if not by example?