To be a bit freaked by this man?

[NoseyNooNoo]

I went to the GP surgery yesterday with 3yr old Daughter - just a quick in and out to collect a prescription.

As we queued there was an old man who tried to make conversation with DD but she didn't like it, which is a surprise because she's normally very sociable. Eventually she asked me to pick her up and I cuddled her as I queued. I suddenly realised the man was practically against me, against my arm trying to get DD to look at him. I told him she didn't like it, and to myself thought 'get out of my personal space'.

So, once receptionist has gone off to get my prescription I realise he is holding her hand, trying to put a £1 coin in her hand to say sorry. We then had a bit of a tussle whilst I tried to get his hand off my daughter and the coin out of her hand. I said that we couldn't/wouldn't take his money. He said 'no,no, don't be silly' but eventually I was able to seperate their hands and the coin and return it.

As I was buckling DD into the car (we'd made a hasty exit), I saw him on the other side of the road, I think trying to get our attention.

Meanwhile DD hadn't liked it and I explained that we don't take money from people we don't know and that it was very nice of the man to say sorry but that we don't have to pay someone to show that we are sorry.

I felt a bit freaked by it all but then again he may have just been a lonely old man.

So, was I being a meanie or was I right to keep him away from DD?

wow earthymama what a great post.

I feel very for the man tbh.

And despite what you may think, your DD would have picked up on your discomfort and disdain.

It isn't polite or tolerant to get into somebody's personal space though is it, especially when they don't look as if they're enjoying it.

I can't help thinking that lots of these posts are missing the point. I agree that this man was probably lonely and harmless. But the OP hasn't said that she thought otherwise. Her DD was the one who didn't like how close he got, and I think any adult would teach a child not to take money from strangers.

It's not about over reacting or accusing a nice old gent of being a paedo. It's just that he was a bit 'too much' and the OPs DD didn't like it. As an adult I can turn away from any situation that I don't like, without having to face accusations of hurting a sad old man. OP's DD has that right too.

Lovely post Earthymama.

There's no way you can tell now, but I'd always go with your my instinct, or my dc's. No reason to make a fuss but if either of you was uncomfortable, it was wise to beat a hasty retreat.

Unlike other posts here, I've never come across old men giving small children money. My aunt used to but she was family. Surely people realise children are told never to accept gifts from strangers.

YANBU, I'm sure it was your daughters reaction to this man that freaked you out more than the man himself.
Something similar happened to me and DD in a supermarket. DD stayed looking at something at the end of the aisle while I went to get something from the opposite aisle (DD was 4). She could see me but I was searching the shelves for something and when I eventually turned round an old man was bending down chatting to her. I also noticed a woman (in her 50's) hiding round the next aisle watching them. When I got to them DD had tears streaming down her face but was making no noise at all and the man jumped out of his skin when he saw me.
I found this all very odd as DD would normally chat away to people in shops but she was just staring at him totally mute with these big fat tears.
He then made his excuses and left, walking towards the hiding woman who kept staring at my DD.
When they'd gone I comforted DD and asked what he said to make her cry but she just said "nothing". I asked her again later that day and she got really angry with me and to this day I don't really know what was said, only that I've never seen her act like that since.
I'm sure if she hadn't reacted that way I would have thought it quite normal for an older man having a little chat but because of her strange reaction it all seemed so sinister.
I think that when you're kids feel scared by someone us mum's can get quite ferocious but it's only natural.

Totally agree with Earthymama, we are getting worse as a society in our interactions with the elderly, and we all need to make more effort I suspect. But to being it back to the nub of the original question - what would you have done if one of the children you took to visit was so not resident-keen, as you put it, that they were actually distressed? I'm sure you would not have made them go with you again if they were that uncomfortable, surely?

Yes we all need to talk to our children about tolerance, politeness, empathy etc, but what happens if your child is showing signs of distress, and against type at that? The OP's child seemed extremely uncomfortable in a situation that she apparently would normally have relished. I don't think the OP panicked, and I don't think she over reacted. Sorry.

MorrisZapp has it - the little girl couldn't do anything about the man that was making her upset, she had every right for her mother to step in on her behalf.

brightyoungthing-it sounds as though your DD had done something naughty/been cheeky to the elderly couple and the man was telling her off.This would explain both why she was crying and why she wouldn't tell you!
But typically for mn, instead of going for the obvious explanation, it is some freaky old man molesting the perfect untouchable DD

Sorry, but YABU. Not the fact that you felt uncomfortable, but the fact that you showed it. Lots of old people get joy from giving coins to kids, and it happens to us quite a lot, but I wouldn't want any old man going away thinking "Those people thought I was strange"- I bet he was far more upset than you.

Sorry to be blunt. I was in a similar position myself a few weeks ago- Old drunk man tried to give my child a few coppers. I did say, "Oh, no, you don't have to do that", but he really wanted to.

Dont worry too much...he was probably just being friendly and maybe even a bit senile.....no harm meant i expect..

Tbh I think its a generation thing, my Dad always gives children money, I don't think he would give to a complete stranger in the DR's surgery but I have known him dip his hand in his pocket when he has been at the park with my dc & other children have ended up chatting to him.

Perhaps this gentleman is similar but just lost his sense of appropriatness (is that a word) with age.

I think we are often quick to condem people & be suspicious when intentions are purely well meant.

There are FAR more good people in the world than bad

Been thinking some more about this, when dd was that age, (she's now 6) she was a complete anti-social, and often quite rude, little so-and-so when people were trying to be friendly with her.Because she was 3. Irrespective of whether I knew them or not, she would just (because at 3 their social skills are not exactly honed) throw a strop, hide her face, refuse to answer questions (often from members of her own family!) etc etc. Now I never found myself thinking "by heck, that Aunty Marjorie must be a total weirdo because dd has been made to feel uncomfortable by her coochy-cooing and shoving presents in her face" (which was what Aunty Marjorie did) but rather felt embarassed because my daughter was being unpleasant to someone who was trying to be nice. (ditto Uncle Peter- I will not buy into the all-men-are-paedos rubbish))

So, whilst I sympathise to some extent with the OP's situation, (I don't condone what she did, but I can understand that she felt uncomfortable) I don't think we should be giving that much weight to the child in question being made to feel "uncomfortable"

howmuchdidyousay That explanation actually never crossed my mind!!
Sadly probably because of old man stereo types, and I'm feeling slightly ashamed now
I should add that I work with the elderly and DD comes in to work quite a lot to chat to the residents and really enjoys it

Oh I give up now...

Dittany, I'm sure the man would have acted in the same way until my husband said 'no' - he'd have been far more assertive than me and bigger! Actually, it's just as well it was me and not DH because he was furious about the episode. He didn't think the man was a paedo but was very annoyed that the man had continued to hold on to DD when I had asked him not to and when she was clearly upset.

In conclusion, I don't think I could have handled it much better but I think when I saw him on the other side of the road I should have gone over and made my peace. I'm sure we'd have both apologised.

So, do I let DD accept money from strangers? It still seems odd to me.

Bucharest, I know where you are coming from as my 3year old great neice is going through an unsociable stroppy phase at the moment even to her nana but I can understand that this little girl may have been shy and had the right to her mum's protection. I just think mum freaked and didn't handle it well.

As a mature children's nanny I have experienced two incidences where a child in my care has been offered money. On the first occassion an older lady tried to give me £10.00 and asked me to "buy something for the beautiful little girl" and I politely declined but was pleasant as I felt she was lonely and perhaps missing grand children. The second time a lady who made me feel uncomfortable tried to join our table and press money and food on my small charge and I asked her to leave us alone.

It's sometimes hard to know what to do for the best but if you feel something's not right; without being rude gio with your instincts.

An older lady gave ds 50p to go on a thomas the tank engine ride the other day. For no reason and unexpectedly. So I said thank you.

You should have just smiled and let him give her the money, why are people so ridiculously panicky nowadays? He could hardly sexually assault her while she was cradled in your arms ffs!

So he stood close to you - ARGHHHHH OH NO!!!!! Run and hide and scream and make your children as fucked up and paranoid as you are by lecturing them nervously over a non-event ...

...or, you could try not hurting an old mans feelings and try acting like a bloody grown up.

I think you over-reacted. It wasnt as though he was trying to manoevre into a situation where he got to know your dd without you being present.
Invading your personal space was insensitive though.