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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that even if ex is "ill" he should still come for the kids?

60 replies

Sorce · 24/04/2010 10:12

Ex is supposed to have the kids every fortnight from saturday to sunday. It runs like clockwork usually. So me and DP arranged to go out for a meal tonight and its al booked etc. Then ex text me last nigt to say he's "really ill" and might not be having the kids. I think this is crap because he's their father. When I'm ill I can't just say "I'm ill today, someone else will have to look after the kids". It really annoys me and I've been looking forward to going for this meal for weeks. I also suspect that the real reason he doesn't want the kids this weekend is because the football team is playing at home and its a "crucial" match and I think he'll be wanting to watch that in peace. AIBU to think he should get his arse here and take care of his kids whether he's "ill" or not?

(his idea of "ill" btw is a bit of a headache and a snuffly nose - typical man flu stuff)

OP posts:
MintHumbug · 24/04/2010 10:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

prettyfly1 · 24/04/2010 10:45

As a matter of interest if he is ill with a flu or cold and gives it to your kids who make you run around, miss work, they miss school and generally have a rotten time for a few days will you feel much better that at least he picked them up and generously shared not just his time but his filthy man bugs?

YABU

memoo · 24/04/2010 10:46

yabu

RedRedWine1980 · 24/04/2010 10:51

I think YABabitU and YANBU in equal measures. He cant help being ill and if he likes crap and has something infectious the kids could get it as well and he wont be in any fit state to look after them. I know we laugh and joke about 'man flu' but men can also feel dog rough from time to time with no hidden agenda.

But as you say when you are ill you have to get on with it and its only for a couple of days so meh I dunno.

gingernutlover · 24/04/2010 10:54

sounds like he is reasonable normally and doesnt let you down for no good reason.

i can see why you are annoyed though, would he come and get the children and take them off your hands if you were ill? If yes then YABU, if he wouldnt then YANBU to think he should just carry on.

Trouble is though, as another poster has said, what if your kids get whatever he has? Who will then have to take time off work/look after them etc?

birdworthington · 24/04/2010 10:54

I think you are right that he should come and get the children. I had the same arguement with my ex a couple of weeks ago and told him that if he was ill he had to sort out alternative care for her. He called me all the name s under the sun and then told me his mum would fetch her (she normally is dumped with her anyway).

I was right to kick off because he made a miraculous recovery the same day to take his lady friend out. As you said, we have to put up with it when we are ill so why should they be able to wriggle out of it.

gingernutlover · 24/04/2010 10:55

could you ask him if he will just "babysit" at yours for the evening while you go out for your meal maybe? That way he wont have them overnight while he is ill and you wont miss out on your evening out.

Northernlurker · 24/04/2010 11:07

I think yabu. He hasn't said he won't, he's given you notice that he might not be able to. What is he has d&v - would you want them there for that. I know you have to soldier on if you're ill but it sounds like you have a resident dp to help out as well.

SwissCheeseIsHolyCheesus · 24/04/2010 11:22

Yabu and childish.

2rebecca · 24/04/2010 11:36

YABU. If my ex is ill I would have the kids that weekend and if I was ill he would have them. Are you sure he wouldn't have the kids if you were ill? My husband gets annoyed because if his ex is ill he's the last person she'd ask to have his daughter. All the other relatives and friends get asked first. Have you ever asked him to help out and had him refuse? In that case I can understand your annoyance but it sounds as though it would be more fun and healthier for the kids to have a weekend with you if their dad really is ill.

Original poster
Sorce · 24/04/2010 11:53

He wouldn't have the kids if I were ill, won't even have them on school holidays or anything.

Anyway he is coming for them now. He also has a DP who can help out so its not as if he's on his own. (I know it's not her responsibility btw, just responding to whoever said I have a DP to help me out when I'm ill)

OP posts:
SloanyPony · 24/04/2010 11:56

If you are truly ill though, and its possible not to have children with you, then you make that happen dont you, in that it may not be an option for you but it is for him, technically, and lets face it if you are truly truly sick, its much better NOT to have the kids.

So whilst YANBU to feel a bit about the fact that you have to plough on, YABU if you dont recognise that in this situation, its really probably better if he doesn't have them.

If I were him I'd offer to pay for a babysitter so you could go out to (a) show that I'm genuinely ill enough and (b) to make it better for you.

thumbwitch · 24/04/2010 11:59

If he is really ill then YABabitU - but if not, then YANBU.
Glad he's changed his mind though and hope the DC don't pick up his "bug".

elastamum · 24/04/2010 12:00

YABU if he is really ill but not if he isnt???I have a schedule with my ex and if either of us have something really important, family stuff etc or other committments we vary it if we can. It does mean that he doenst lie to me (much)

princessparty · 24/04/2010 12:03

YABU .His access time is supposed to be for the kids' benefit not yours.If he is unwell and can't do anything with them there is no point them bein g there.What if he crashes the car driving them back because he is not well enough to drive.

ChocHobNob · 24/04/2010 12:05

If he was feeling a bit rough and couldn't be arsed then no, YANBU. If he was genuinely ill, then YABalittlebitU as I've had times when my H has had to have time off of work or I've had to have my parents watch my children because I've been too ill. Perhaps he was feeling really poorly yesterday and didn't think he would be able to drive/his partner had already made plans.

He doesn't sound a like an absolute pain in the backside who regularly takes the micky ... and he gave you warning but is having them as normal anyway, so he doesn't sound like he was being unreasonable. Of course we don't have the full picture.

Enjoy your meal

foureleven · 24/04/2010 12:13

If my daughters dad has been ill on his weekend with her he will ask his mum, girlfriend, brother etc to help out. When we first split he did once say he was ill and therefore couldnt have our daughter but i asked him to try to sort out something else.

If youve had the children for two weeks on your own it really is his responsibility to at least try to find an alternative.

It is riling that he has said this I can see where your coming from. I often seems that many dads are all too quick to shrug off responsibilites that mums would never dream of! disclaimer - lots of women do this too!!! my DPs ex being one of them. If she gets invited out on her weekend to have their daughter she'll just text and say 'im out on 24th April, so you'll have to have her'

This is now met with 'no you will need to find a babysitter, i am not a babysitter I am a parent'

Bit different if he really is super ill though.

foureleven · 24/04/2010 12:15

princess party- i disagree that its all about the childrens benefit, yes it is 99% for that but also to give her time to rest. Looking after children for two weeks on your own is a flippin slog, she deserves a break.

prettyfly1 · 24/04/2010 12:22

yeah but for she has a resident dp - she isnt on her own

and as to the woman who told her oh to get a childminder - are you for real - you care so much about proving a point that you would rather send your kids to an unknown paid for minder then have them with a loving parent. I was a single parent for three years with NO support and I would never do that.

RedRedWine1980 · 24/04/2010 12:25

Who mentioned an unknown childminder?

prettyfly1 · 24/04/2010 12:27

child sitting upstairs listening to parents conversation when she is supposed to be asleep (we all did it as kids)

Mum: "I have had her for two weeks - its your turn - I am going out"

Dad: " I cant I dont feel too great, please can you cover, I cant handle her"

Mum: "No I told you I have other plans - I am not having her - get someone else to do it - your weekend - your problem"

Child: "Neither of them want me"...

Disgusting. Kids arent possessions and they arent problems - get over it.

Dollytwat · 24/04/2010 12:28

It all comes down to whether you get the same considration back really doesn't it.

I accommodated my exh for years, as he fitted the kids in around his ever changing social life. If he couldn't have them I was the default person, no discussion, just 'I can't have them so you'll have to', even when my mother was dying and I had arranged to care for her one weekend.

So, if you get respect and cosideration in return, fine be accommodating, but, if like me it's a one way process, then you've every right to be annoyed.

As I'm sure you know though, if he doesn't come to collect, there's no come back for you, as you can't force contact on the absent parent.

foureleven · 24/04/2010 12:29

I have a resident dp but he doesnt help with the daily grind care.. taking to childminders, picking up, getting dressed, brushing teeth, tidying room blah blah blah OP may have the same set up? after two weeks its only right that the ex should relieve her (me)

sorry you had no support prettyfly, hat off to you it must have been very hard!

But this isnt a comparrison as these kids have a dad about who can and should be taking responsibility. Too often is it the mum who has all the responsibilty, its assumed that she must do it all and feel greatful that the dad plays any part at all.

foureleven · 24/04/2010 12:32

I have had those conversations with ex but always over text, email or when we are both at work. daughter thinks we'd both have her every second of every day if we could!

prettyfly1 · 24/04/2010 12:42

four eleven i totally get that and i am glad you are sensible but so many people arent and to be fair i have a dp but he studies full time, works part time and sees his ds on a sunday - i dont get respite but i dont expect it - the same can be said for forces wives etc

I feel really strongly that parenting is a twenty four seven job and if exdp's cant see or respect that they are arseholes who dont deserve their kids - its annoying and hard to see your kids upset but the woman who demanded they went to a minder cause it wasnt her turn made me quite cross!!!

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