To think that even if ex is "ill" he should still come for the kids?

[Sorce]

Ex is supposed to have the kids every fortnight from saturday to sunday. It runs like clockwork usually. So me and DP arranged to go out for a meal tonight and its al booked etc. Then ex text me last nigt to say he's "really ill" and might not be having the kids. I think this is crap because he's their father. When I'm ill I can't just say "I'm ill today, someone else will have to look after the kids". It really annoys me and I've been looking forward to going for this meal for weeks. I also suspect that the real reason he doesn't want the kids this weekend is because the football team is playing at home and its a "crucial" match and I think he'll be wanting to watch that in peace. AIBU to think he should get his arse here and take care of his kids whether he's "ill" or not?

(his idea of "ill" btw is a bit of a headache and a snuffly nose - typical man flu stuff)

Surely the question is what is best for the kids? If he is genuinely ill and you insist he takes the kids, they are going to have a miserable time. They should come first, not you or the ex.

my sentiments exactly amother

The difference is it doesn't sound like this is a regular occurrence for the OP's ex. If he was doing it every second contact session then you could understand it, but if it's a one off then that is different surely. He might have been really ill. If he had D&V then picking the children up could be a problem. If the children have D&V would you insist on them travelling to the other parent's house (which is horrible, you just want to stay in, near the toilet) because it's the other person's turn and they can deal with the sick children instead. It depends on the individual circumstances. It's not a one rule suits all situation.

YANBU

I am suprised at the number of YABU's you have received!! The kids are as much his responsibility as they are yours.

I could understand him phoning and saying, I feel crap, is there any chance you could keep the kids this weekend? But to text to say 'I might not have them' - well, it just pisses you off doesn't it - it's his responsibility to have them when he is meant to have them, it's not his option to choose as and when he pleases!! Grrrr

Having said that - if he had anything at all 'catchy' I wouldn't want him having them!!

another YANBU.

he is ill and its his weekend. therefore up to him to sort it out.

bloody annoys me this does. if the woman is ill she cant say, im not looking after my child can she.

saying that, if you have a good co parenting relationship ( mostly) then it would be good to have her yourself, but only if he is flexiable with you in return

yeah but seriously - that is about you two (you and your ex) if he is genuinly ill do you really want your kids to go, and have a miserable time cause dad isnt very well and possibly get it themselves, just to prove a point because you have to?

It is annoying to you as an adult but the right thing for your kids in that position is an entirely different matter and I cant believe you would rather he either did it himself ill (this is a dad who doesnt muck about btw) or they went to someone other than you = that just isnt what being a mum is about and once again, I was a single parent and I know how hard and frustrating it is.

Also surprised by all the YABUs.

I too am a single parent and if I am ill while DS is with me then I just have to get on with it. And of course, I look after him when he's poorly as well. Do mums have special non-germ passing on powers that dads don't, I wonder?

It's part and parcel of being a parent.

Additionally, why is it ok for OP's ex to let the kids down at a moment's notice?

As ChippingIn says..why wouldn't you say something along the lines of 'I'm feeling very ill, is it ok if you look after the kids this w/e, I could see them at x time instead?' not 'I can't have the kids'.

In addition, wanting some time for yourself does not make you a bad mum, ignore anyone who says it does.

However I realise this is a moot point now as XP is seeing his children, but I still feel it's worth pointing out!

Having said all that, I agree that a degree of flexibility is helpful to all parties involved, in case someone really is ill because it does happen!

flexibiyliy is helpful - but if the ex would never agree to take the children when the mother is ill, then I don't see that it's fair if she is forced to have the children on her "off" time just because the ex is ill.

Looking after your own children while they you are ill is part and parcel of being a parent for BOTH parents - not just the resident parent.

but its still the case that all those arguments are about the parents - of course it is both parents responsibility and in an ideal world both parents would get sick time off etc but my point is still is it in the best interest of the kids to spend the weekend with a poorly dad cause mum wants to go out. We have all had to cancel stuff at the last minute and its miserable and frustrating but we do it because its our job - its just the way it is - it ISNT WRONG to want me time -we all do, but not when our kids are possibly going to suffer as a result.

and I think it's a very foolish position to say that the parents don't matter - because they do.

And if the mother doesn't have a choice (as many don't) as to whether to look after their child when they're so ill all they do is lie on the sofa - how is that any better than if the father has them for one night in the same position??

I had to do that many times and its horribly hard but if I had had a choice my child would not have been looked after by me when I was ill like that. Making someone else do it because I had to wouldnt entire my mind - if thats foolish then I am off to get my jester cap and loving it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Of course it is his responsibility as much as yours.

But as they will then spend the week with you and you will be dealing with any fallout, I would ask for more details about what is wrong with him and how likely he is to give it to them: if it d & v you could all end up spending a miserable week.

so basically NRP should only have to have the "good" bits of parenting - ie when they're well enough to enjoy it and do stuff

"flexibiyliy is helpful - but if the ex would never agree to take the children when the mother is ill, then I don't see that it's fair if she is forced to have the children on her "off" time just because the ex is ill."

Absolutely agree.

I feel for OP because it does seem that on threads like this people often assume that the mum is automatically being unreasonable, and anyway how dare she be so selfish as to want some time for herself etc

Surely it depends on how ill they are? It must be very hard for single parents with no NRP to help out of other family/friends near by ... but if a parent in a couple were very ill, would you not get the other parent to look after them?

Also, what happens when a child is ill? We have had our contact cancelled by my husband's daughter's Mum because little one is ill. My H would have gladly looked after his little girl. He was off of work, has had to look after ill children before and doesn't just want the "good" bits of parenting ... but it was taken out of his hands.

He also has had to cancel one contact period because he was ill with glandular fever and it was decided between him and SD's Mum that they didn't want to risk her catching it and he would see her next time.

buy msybe I'm just biased as I have no family or friends to give anytime off, and an exH that doesn't appear to give a shit and am absolutely gagging for just an hour or two for myself.

tocca that is the position I was in and god its horrid so you really do have my sympathy but as much as I remember the feeling of being ill and having to deal with parenting, wishing desperately someone could help, I also remember trying to manage everything with a poorly child and I really couldnt go back to that.

I dont think that mums should do everything all the time and I certainly dont think that nrps should only get the good stuff but I also dont believe the children of seperated parents shouldnt be exposed to potentially contagious illnesses without it being absolutely necessary. It just doesnt make any sense.

Maybe look at it another way:

AIBU EXdp took the kids at the weekend without telling me he was sick. I was going out and he knew I really wanted to go and he didnt want to let them down but they said it was a bit of a rubbish weekend as he was just coughing and feeble all weekend and now I have two poorly kids, a job to do and no help for two weeks - why couldnt he just let me know and reschedule?

I think sometimes the nrp cant win because I have seen this issue come up on mn and the nrp is slammed for it.

"if the woman is ill she cant say, im not looking after my child can she."

Thats because the women tend to be the resident parent and IMO the situation is not remotely similar.

I don't think it is reasonable to expect the same level of support from your ex partner after you have split. Especially when it comes to your free time. Your free time is nothing to do with him and vice versa. If the plans get interrupted then as unfortunate as it is it is something you just have to cope with as it happens.

When separation or divorce is in place then the relationship is between the NRP and the children. It is not an extension of households, as much as some people would like to believe it.

If it is not in the children's welfare to be with their father because he would be incapable of looking after them through illness then he loses his access that time and the children don't get to see their father.

It is unfortunate that the RP has the lion share of the work but the situation is that single parents "do" have to the lion share of work with minimal support - that is part and parcel of a separated family. The NRP moves on with their life, meets someone else and will create a new family unit with their own rules and structure. Just as the RP will probably do eventually also.

I can understand you being slightly irritated about a night out potentially being cancelled (which it is now not) but where is your concern for your children's lack of visit with their dad?

He does not sound like he does it often as you stated it usually goes like clockwork so I would say YABU in your attitude towards the situation although I understand your frustration.

As a side note; for as much as people complain about how hard it is being a single parent how many of you would actually hand over residency to the NRP? If you did then there would be nothing to complain about, you would have as much free time as possible and would have no money worries and some dads would actually relish the challenge of looking after their kids full time.

ponders

I can't believe he only sees them once a fortnight for a night.
What kind of shit dad is that??

Erm every other weekend is actually quite a normal contact arrangement because sometimes the RP wants to spend a weekend with their children too ... and if they work in the week, what can they do? That's a rather harsh thing to say, IMO.

Unbelievable Verity.
How does that make you feel?
(Stupid question)