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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that 24 year old men do not be friends with 15 year old girls?

99 replies

Coldhands · 22/04/2010 20:15

Just been on facebook. My cousin who is 15 is talking about some bloke she has met up with who is 24. She knows him from some club thing that her dad goes to.

He mum apparently knows all about it and doesn't mind if they end up going out together. My cousin has admitted that she fancies this bloke. All her friends on FB are telling her not to do it etc but she is boy mad and obsessed with boys to the point where it seems beyond normal and it is all encouraged by her idiotic mother (my aunt).

AIBU to think that 24 year old men are not interested in just being friends with 15 year old girls? I have asked my cousin why a 24 year old would be hanging around with a 15 year old but she hasn't answered yet and nothing I say will make a blind bit of difference anyway.

OP posts:
FabIsGoingToGetFit · 22/04/2010 20:17

But no one is talking about them being friends. Your cousin fancies him and wants to go out with him. I expect he wants to be with her too.

Remind her about staying safe and sex is illegal atm for her.

BelleDeChocolateFluffyBunny · 22/04/2010 20:19

She needs to be really careful, YANBU. Do you think that this man could be trying to exploit her in some way?

madcatsazz · 22/04/2010 20:20

probably not what you want to hear and I have to admit my outlook has changed dramatically since having a young daughter of my own but at 15, i dated and went on to marry (and admittedly divorce at 23) a 24 year old. Looking back it seems dreadful but he always treated me as an equal and in dating him, i wasn't getting involved in sleeping around, being dragged down by peers my own age etc. There's a lot to be said for an older role model. That said, it depends on the man's motivation for dating a 15 year old.

SloanyPony · 22/04/2010 20:20

It sounds fairly icky but hopefully nothing will come of it.

It wont be long until she is of age and then there's not a lot anyone can do.

Hopefully he will find her immature enough and not able to connect with her enough to not take it further.

Here's hoping!

If she is really as boy mad as you say and sexed up (by the sounds of it) as she seems then if not him, it will be someone else before too long...and unless her mother plays a more intervening role then not much can be done.

ZZZenAgain · 22/04/2010 20:22

her mother is encouraging a 15year old to go out with a 24 year old man?

I think it is difficult for you to intervene here really if that is true. What does her dad think of it?

CagedBird · 22/04/2010 20:22

yanbu I think there is a problem with a man of 24 who fancies girl (because that is what she still is until that magical number) of 15. tbf I would still think it inappropriate at 16. If she is a close cousin I would get in and speak to her even if she isn't your aunt should be told (she may not know everything)

SpiritualKnot · 22/04/2010 20:23

My first proper boyfriend was 24 when I was 16. He was really nice and we did have sex, went out with him for 9 months and he was desperate to marry me, but I felt I was much too young. He married a 17 year old following my break up with him, but we remained friends.

Having my own daughter now, not sure whether I'd want her in the same situation.

SK

SloanyPony · 22/04/2010 20:23

That's an interesting angle MadCat - I too had a relationship with a much older man, but that was at 20, and he was 43. I suppose several people would have had an opinion on it at the time, not that they said, but it meant that I didn't have to deal with 20 year old men, which was great.

He had more money, we went to restaurants instead of dossing around in some smelly student house, he had a car and would drive me everywhere (!) and he was even very supportive once we had broken up and I wanted to move abroad...he didn't want to dominate me, hold me back and encouraged my independence.

scurryfunge · 22/04/2010 20:24

There is nothing healthy about an adult male fancying a child, though you will probably not convince her otherwise. She will never see herself as a child in the eyes of the law but you have to ask yourself why this male is not interacting successfully with his peer group

CagedBird · 22/04/2010 20:25

Really madcatz (sorry for hijacking the thread but I'm enthralled). You said he treated you as an equal and you were married for quite a long time so was it a happy marriage (until the end) and what did your parents think?

Original poster
Coldhands · 22/04/2010 20:29

"There is nothing healthy about an adult male fancying a child"

Exactly and she doesn't exactly look older than her age either.

I had a 35 year old 'interested' in me when I was 15 and no good came of it.

Its just not normal for men to be interested in girls this young. I have no idea what her dad thinks (they don''t live near me) and knowing her mother, she probably does know all about it. She's been saying ever since my cousin was 10 "I'm gonna have problems with this one, she'll be pregnant at 15 ha ha ha" thinking it is some big joke. And she said it in front of her which is basically giving her bloody permission. Although she has put her on the pill though.

OP posts:
notanumber · 22/04/2010 20:30

I don't think it's actually that unusual for a 15 year old girl to date a 24 year old man. I certainly snogged a few 'older' men when at school and many of my friends had older boyfriends.

While I appreciate your concerns, is she a very young 15 or seem particularly naive? It doesn't sound like it from what you say, to be honest.

As fab says, I'd concentrate your efforts on making sure that she's fully informed about safe (and legal) sex rather than fretting about putting a stop to relationship that sounds like it's well underway already.

Original poster
Coldhands · 22/04/2010 20:32

notanumber She is a very young 15. She knows all about sex etc but she is much younger than her years and always has been which is why she has always had problems making and keeping friends her own age, they are far older than she is.

OP posts:
notanumber · 22/04/2010 20:37

But what can you do, Coldhands?

Her mother seems to support the relationship developing and has informed her about safe sex.

While you think it smells a bit in light of what you know about your cousin's maturity, in the context of many of her peers, it's not really that unusual.

Original poster
Coldhands · 22/04/2010 20:40

I must have been unusual then as when I was at school, none of my friends went out with anyone that much older.

OP posts:
scurryfunge · 22/04/2010 20:44

When I was at school, it was the immature 20 somethings who would go out with the young teens...it might be quite common but I don't think it's healthy

JaneS · 22/04/2010 20:46

A girl I know started sleeping with a 22 year old guy when she was 15. They got married last year, she's now 23.

Mind you, she is also mad as a box of frogs and, imo, quite an odd person - whether that's the result of that relationship, I don't know.

So the fact that they might end up in a long term relationship and/or that the age gap would be unremarkable if they were older doesn't really do it for me ... I would be worried, however nice he seems, you have to question his maturity if he wants to date a child. Which, by law, she is.

skidoodly · 22/04/2010 20:49

It might not be unusual for creepy 24 year old men to go around taking advantage of 15 year old girls, but that doesn't make it right.

When I was 15 a 24 year old man (a very immature one) fancied me in a big way. I thought he was a loser and even at that age I could see that there was something not quite right about an adult male well into his 20s trying to go out with a school girl.

It was simulataneously very amusing and kind of freaky.

Big Fat Smelly Anto we called him. I wonder how things would have gone had he been Big Tall Handsome Anthony? Or had I been a little more thick?

madcatsazz · 22/04/2010 20:52

Cagedbird - yes, as marriages go, it was a happy one. for the record, I married wayyyy too young and found myself at 23, itching to go out and enjoy life whilst hubby was happy to settle into 'pipe and slippers' stage. Long term, the age gap proved a problem as we matured at different rates but I wanted to make the point that he in fact, helped to keep me on the straight and narrow compared to what a lot of my friends went on to do without older role models in their lives so it's not always doom and gloom and peodophiles!

madcatsazz · 22/04/2010 20:53

i don't consider myself to be 'thick' either

RunawayWife · 22/04/2010 20:54

Goodness me coldhands I could have written your post. cousins 13 year old daughter yes 13 has facebook friends who are men in there 30s and 40s

Her mum is out a lot and she is on facebook for hours.
Her latest boyfriend is 17, yes 17 and she ended her last "relationship" because it was not going anywhere, where does a 13 year old want a relationship to go I ask myself????

I have a 13 year old boy and he is not even allowed face book.

blinder · 22/04/2010 20:58

If he knows she is 15 and they have sex, he is committing statutory rape.

Alambil · 22/04/2010 20:59

runaway, that's so sad

mathanxiety · 22/04/2010 21:05

He's old enough to be a teacher. So too old for her to date. But things like this don't develop overnight. It may be too late to shut this particular stable door.

BeatrixRotter · 22/04/2010 21:14

I was in a relationship like this and it did me no good at all. I did end it though and as far as I know he never got over losing his little servant. I guess it depends on the guy, anyway you can get to kow him a bit better?

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