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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that 24 year old men do not be friends with 15 year old girls?

99 replies

Coldhands · 22/04/2010 20:15

Just been on facebook. My cousin who is 15 is talking about some bloke she has met up with who is 24. She knows him from some club thing that her dad goes to.

He mum apparently knows all about it and doesn't mind if they end up going out together. My cousin has admitted that she fancies this bloke. All her friends on FB are telling her not to do it etc but she is boy mad and obsessed with boys to the point where it seems beyond normal and it is all encouraged by her idiotic mother (my aunt).

AIBU to think that 24 year old men are not interested in just being friends with 15 year old girls? I have asked my cousin why a 24 year old would be hanging around with a 15 year old but she hasn't answered yet and nothing I say will make a blind bit of difference anyway.

OP posts:

mathanxiety · 23/04/2010 18:56

The OP says she has asked her cousin why a 24 yo would be hanging around with a 15 yo, so assumed it wasn't just a case of the 15 yo having a crush from afar.

Original poster

Coldhands · 23/04/2010 20:09

Wow, the thread has moved on quite a bit from the last time I saw it.

To clarify, I have no idea if this 24 year old fancies my cousin. She admitted she fancies him and she said they had met up recently and are meeting up again this weekend. I fail to see that a 24 year old male would simply be interested in being friends with a pretty immature 15 year old girl. There is no question of her being older than her age, she isn't at all. Sometimes she seems more like a 12 year old to me.

There would be no point in me saying anything to her mother, she does the complete opposite of what anyone says to her and seems keen to encourage my cousins obsession with boys and her latest boyfriend. I have questioned my cousin on why a 24 year old would want to hang around with a 15 year old but she has chosen to ignore this and tell me and her friends that she is fed up and will do what she likes and wishes that people would leave her alone. I pointed out that if she splashes this all over facebook then people are going to comment. FWIW, she also has all her friends on there telling her not to be so silly and that she shouldn't have anything to do with this man, which will probably make her more determined to be if she is anything like her mother.

She has also had sex with one of her many 'boyfriends'. I use the term losely as she goes out with them for a couple of days, puts all over FB how much she loves them, then dumps them because she is bored. I don't call these boyfriends as this is what you do in primary school.

There may be the odd person on here who this has worked out for, but I still see it as wrong. There is no reason why a much older man should be interested in a girl of this age. I have had unwanted attention at this age and it turned out very badly.

OP posts:

mathanxiety · 23/04/2010 20:53

From your description of her, this man seems even more creepy than I would have thought at first. This girl is like live bait for anyone who wants to take advantage of her. I would be suspicious of anyone male who wanted to hang out with her, tbh.

padraig · 23/04/2010 20:57

YANBU.

Age gaps in themselves are generally fine, but not when you're underage.

I mean if things progressed it's statutory rape for God's sake!

Horton · 23/04/2010 21:26

When I was 17, I had my first proper boyfriend. I wasn't a virgin and I had had a few boyfriends of my own age previously. He was 33. Yes, it was odd. Yes, I do now wonder what on earth he was thinking, Yes, it probably wasn't what I'd want my daughter to do. But he was kind, nice, looked after me emotionally, no pressure to sleep with him whatsoever (though I did), taught me a lot about sex and relationships and how life works etc and I will be forever grateful to him. When I was 19, I met a boy on holiday who was a year younger than me and swanned off without a backwards glance for a relationship that lasted all of six weeks. I think I broke older boyfriend's heart. He was devastated. However, we are still vaguely in touch and he went on to get married and have kids and appears to now be perfectly happy with a woman a bit older than I am. So he obviously wasn't as weird as all that. I do think maybe if I'd met him ten years later, we might have been happily married by now.

Now I'm with DH (after some even more unsuitable boyfriends in the interim period) who is 7 years younger than I am. I know 15 is different from 17, but it's not a huge amount different and you know, sometimes I think it's just something you need to get out of your system. Older men are really quite fascinating to teenagers, for some bizarre reason.

CoinOperatedGirl · 23/04/2010 21:51

I'm not sure about this issue tbh, it was very very common amongst peers at school (me included) to go out with older males. I don't think that it's always abusive/dodgy, what exactly is the difference between a 15 and 16 year old girl? I don't think that this arbitary cut off is that useful. As for the whole males preying on younger girls thing, this wasn't true ime, either it was a big group thing or if anything the girls stalked (erm sorry preyed on) the boys.

LillianGish · 23/04/2010 22:00

I think a nine year age gap when you are 15 is massive. Obviously as you get older the gap narrows - a 34-year-old man with a woman of 25 wouldn't attract much comment. At 15 she is still a child (whatever she looks like) and at 24 he is very much a man. I think you are right to wonder why a 24-year-old man would want to be friends with your cousin - and I think you know the answer. I would be concerned.

emmyzone · 24/04/2010 00:19

My brother is 22 and all of his friends around that age, I can't imagine any of them having any interest in a 15year old! They would consider it pathetic.

I remember being 15 and the type of older 'men' who would express interest are the very ones that are not tolerated by females the same age as them. They target kids because they are easy to manipulate, that is all they can get.

I would be very wary. If I was the girls mother I would be getting a baseball bat....

Pikelit · 24/04/2010 00:45

I think you can make generalisations here and then possibly allow for the very occasional exception. Because actually, 24 year old men shouldn't be wanting relationships with 15 year old girls.

babymutha · 24/04/2010 01:01

I remember sitting a 26 year old man down in the Littlewoods cafe and explaining to him that he was not in love with me (I was 16)and we had kissed once at my best friends party. My friend (also 16) was having sex with a 30 year old at the time, which she thought was incredibly sophisticated - but now as a woman of 37 with 2 kids she is slightly appalled about.
Of course he doesn't just want to be friends with her. YANBU.
The best thing you can do is have a frank discussion with your cousin about being herself and not rushing into doing anything she doesn't want to. Oh lord. 15. Good luck.

funkybuddah · 24/04/2010 07:43

Well when I was 15 o didn't look like a child at all and circumstances made me very mature, boyf came along he was 24 , however he was known to family and respected, and 13 years on we have two dc and are still going strong so I doubt he was a peado

cory · 24/04/2010 09:57

Good point about him possibly not wanting a sexual relationship or not consciously setting out to groom her. He may just be flattered by the attention and trying to be nice to her- this is the kind of situation my totally immature brother might have got himself into in his twenties. And no, I don't think my db was much of a role model to anyone in his younger days- basically, totally insecure and easily manipulated. But he wasn't a creepy perv either.

muminthemiddle · 24/04/2010 10:29

Interesting reading.
Sounds like her mother is a very poor role model, no wonder she is acting this way, seems to be screaming for adult attention.

If it was my daughter I would die before condoning such a relationship.
No it doesn't sound right at all to me. Reading these posts the majority of similar relationships have ended so therefore no good has come of them.
Luckily she has you as a good role model, keep your calm and keep advising her, she needs you to be there for her when it all goes wrong.

WebDude · 24/04/2010 12:23

I can see why you are concerned.

While the USA doesn't do everything "well", in some states at least they have laws against over 18s getting involved with under 18s to the extent this older guy would be at risk of a charge if he had sex with her once she reaches 16.

Short of putting the frighteners on the guy (which will no doubt go down badly with the girl) I'd just suggest keeping your eyes and ears open, and checking the FB page.

If her Mum is unwilling to see the problem, I'm not sure you're in a good position to do anything (except get a few of the male members of the family to warn the guy they "know where he lives" if any harm comes to the girl!)

Original poster

Coldhands · 24/04/2010 19:27

"Luckily she has you as a good role model, keep your calm and keep advising her, she needs you to be there for her when it all goes wrong."

Thank you, but this really made me laugh. My cousin has always looked up to me in the past as her role model and her mum HATED it. Unfortunately it didn't help that I was smoking at the time and my cousin said she wanted to because I did and she has always wanted a tattoo, and I have them, her mum did have her nose pierced in her late 40's though and she had the nerve to moan about my tattoos. Her mum seems to be perfectly happy for her daughter to look up to our other female cousin who is the most two faced, lying backstabbing bitch I have ever had the 'pleasure' to come across. Her mum has always had a problem with me as my nan (her mum) brought me up and I was favoured, according to my aunt.

OP posts:

JaneS · 24/04/2010 19:50

'Well when I was 15 o didn't look like a child at all and circumstances made me very mature, boyf came along he was 24 , however he was known to family and respected, and 13 years on we have two dc and are still going strong so I doubt he was a peado'

Oh, nice and subtle.

NonnoMum · 24/04/2010 20:53

Haven't read everything, but yes, no self-respecting 24 year old should be interested in dating a 15 year old.

(Apologies to posters who have broken the mould...)

Original poster

Coldhands · 27/04/2010 10:23

Spoken to my nan about it, she thinks it is appalling.

Apparently this bloke asked my cousin if she wanted to go for a drive. Her mum is fine with it and when she was talking to my nan on the phone, all she said was "you should see the car he's got" They have been out more than once.

My aunt is a fucking idiot.

OP posts:

wishingchair · 27/04/2010 10:41

Hmmm. I briefly dated a man of 24 when I was 16 and we had sex. He wasn't weird and there was nothing odd about it at the time - although my parents didn't know anything about it (and still don't ... this was my choice by the way, not any kind of weird grooming from said 24 year old). He is now happily married with children. When I was 17 I met my DH who was 22. We've been together ever since ... got married 10 years later. So I can't say outright that there is anything wrong with OP's situation. Obviously it is more likely to be an "adult" relationship but to be honest, anyone who thinks dating a 15/16 year old would not involve sex is possibly a little naive.

OP - agree your aunt does sound somewhat idiotic. Talking about the car is neither here nor there. Talking to her daughter about the nature of the relationship, sex, statutory rape etc etc is far more important.

wishingchair · 27/04/2010 10:48

To clarify - I mean that any one who thinks a 15 year old dating another 15/16 year old will not involve sex is possibly a little naive. Obviously this is a generalisation and there are many who don't ... but there are many who do. And in my experience, a lot of pressure is put on girls at that age by their boyfriends of the same age to have sex because they are desperate to be sexually active themselves.

So if the issue is whether the OP's cousin may find herself in a situation where she is being pressured to have sex, well that can happen whatever the age of hte boyfriend.

Can you talk to her about it all OP?

(PS - I have DDs and no, I would not be happy with them dating a 24 year old regardless of my own experiences)

mylovelymonster · 27/04/2010 10:56

Is a shame - she should be dating boys closer to her own age and getting to know them and what she likes before getting serious with an older man at 15. She may regret rushing into a 'grown-up' ralationship.

Dinkytinky · 27/04/2010 11:00

YANBU! It's so creepy, I'm 23 and if one of my friends started dating a 15 yr old I would be disgusted, why can he not find a girl who can have a glass of wine at a restaurant?! If I were you I'd ask to meet this lad and ask him yourself.

FakePlasticTrees · 27/04/2010 11:43

Can you talk to her father? This is his friend asking out his daughter. To start with, I thought that we were all getting a bit carried away and assuming he wasn't just being polite to his friend's child, but your last message has made it clear that's not the case.

Original poster

Coldhands · 27/04/2010 18:59

They don't live where I do so I can't talk to him or her father (cousins parents aren't together).

I have questioned my cousin on it and all her response is "he is my mate, get over it" and the more you try talk to her, the more she will go and do the exact opposite of what you say. She is just like her bloody mother. My nan said something briefly to my aunt about the various situations with my cousin and this constantly going out with different boys etc and my aunt's attitude is "well thats how we do things here" and my nan won't bother saying anymore as my aunt won't listen to anyone.

I don't see a 24 year old seeing a (very young for her age) 15 year old as a mate.

OP posts:

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