to think that 24 year old men do not be friends with 15 year old girls?

[Coldhands]

Just been on facebook. My cousin who is 15 is talking about some bloke she has met up with who is 24. She knows him from some club thing that her dad goes to.

He mum apparently knows all about it and doesn't mind if they end up going out together. My cousin has admitted that she fancies this bloke. All her friends on FB are telling her not to do it etc but she is boy mad and obsessed with boys to the point where it seems beyond normal and it is all encouraged by her idiotic mother (my aunt).

AIBU to think that 24 year old men are not interested in just being friends with 15 year old girls? I have asked my cousin why a 24 year old would be hanging around with a 15 year old but she hasn't answered yet and nothing I say will make a blind bit of difference anyway.

This was my first serious relationship.

I did get my heart briefly broken as he had no long term interest in me. But I know he did care about me and he was the person who talked me out of leaving school at 16 and then persuaded me into a good career.
he wasn't creepy or dodgy. he was a very interesting, attractive and popular guy.
He knew how old I was but I was goingto nightclubs and I suspect I looked and acted older than my years.

I would be very suspicious and cautious if this were my daughter. But I would not assume it must be dodgy and not based on genuine affection. I would need a lot of persuasion but it is just about possible

no child should be attractive to an adult and at 15 I would imaginenthat she is still very much a child. If the ages were different ,say she was 20 and he was 29,it would be no bug deal at all. There must be something wrong with him if he can't find a girlfriend his own age.

If they have sex, it's ILLEGAL. End of. Full stop.

pag, what do you mean by 'it is just about possible'? As I say, I know a couple like this who're married now - does that count as a happy ending; does it mean that the (illegal) sex was ok?

I find it difficult to know - even someone who is genuinely 'affectionate' can do a lot of damage.

my e has just married his 16 year old gf, he is 43... they have a baby already, i cant believe her parents agreed to it...

i think its a bit wierd but when i was 15 my bf was 18, we waited tho becasue thats what we both wanted, you dont have to have sex.

Obviously if he sleeps with her then its statutory rape.

But, I was in occasional liasons with 24 yr old men at 16 (only just). One of my friends is now married to one of the guys friednds and is very happy with 3 kids.

LRD

I meant just that. It may be an attraction based upon genuine affection, I know all these years later that is what it was with the guy I was dating.
But the most likely option is that it is potentially damaging, certainly illegal and something that would be a huge red flag to me if it was my daughter.

What bit of what I am saying does not make sense?
< and aiming for clarity not conflict>

No, I understand now. I'm just being dim at the moment because my dissertation is sapping my brain - that's why I'm spending far too long on here!

I wasn't aiming for conflict either btw, sorry if I sounded confrontational!

I get so worried about this 'genuine affection' thing. The girl I know, who is now married, is hugely defensive that this relationship was the best thing ever. She is very bright, went to Oxford but lived with her boyfriend instead of in halls and affects a very self-confident attitude which she thinks people take for maturity. She is attracted to women as well as men and describes chatting them up/sleeping with them in terms of a competition (their marriage is open)

I just think something along the line damaged her hugely. I've never said any of this to her, obviously. But it seems to me she got into an adult, sexual world too early and never really learnt to handle it.

Sorry, I'm probably rambling here.

coldhands If your cousin really loves this guy, thinks he is great, can do no wrong etc it is worth pointing out that he can be done for statutory rape if they have sex, and could easily end up on the sex offenders register if they had any sexual contact. Point out how this would totally screw up/ruin his life.

I have found that with young people this argument can at least make them think, as it is about them doing harm to their loved one, rather than you telling them what to do, and that he is too old.

at LRD

me neither - i didn't want to sound that I was being arsey responding to your reasonable enquiry ( it can be hard with tricky subjects can't it)

I know what you mean. I only have the benefit of many years subsequent behaviour and a constant interest to help me identify this as affection IYSWIM.
I probably would have doubts about what this relationship was looking back on it now but for the fact that I had years of moral support from him when I moved away from home ( without him I should add).
he used to call sometimes and check I was fine without there being any other contact. And years later he met my sister and rushed up to ask how things had gone, was I happy etc without ever making any attempt to see me.

But from your description I can quite see what you are saying. I think the situation would be very dangerous for many many 15 year olds

Tell her what my friend told her little sister - he can't exactly be a very cool or sought-after 24 yr old if he can't get a girlfriend nearer his own age. No matter how wonderful your cousin might be, it won't outweigh the fact that they could never go to the pub, or out clubbing, or anything.

Much better to go out with an A-list 15 or 16 yr old than a Z-list 24 yr old.

am torn on this.

On the one hand I wouldn't like it if a daughter of mine (I don't have daughters but ykwim) was going out with someone that much older. Simmilarly I wouldn't be happy if my ds was going out with someone that much younger.

But I'm not sure I agree that the man is necessarily creepy or that fifteen year olds aren't and shouldn't be attractive because they're children. The reality is that many fifteen year olds look and act way above their years and that as a society we have become guilty of encouraging this to a degree, with support offered to young teenage parents for instance etc.

As a society we are beginning to see fifteen year olds less as children and more as upcoming adults, allowing them to dress in adult clothes, wear adult make-up etc. There are many fifteen year olds round here who could get into an over eighteen nightclub without needing to persuade anyone of their age.

I'm also not entirely sure that telling her that him having sex with her is rape etc is helpful. If she were going out with a sixteen year old I doubt that people would be so quick to suggest this, and would probably even be talking to her about safe sex, and while advising would probably be open to the possibility that it might happen anyway.

She has to IMO learn for herself. And the more people that object, the more she will rebelle. Just make sure she is safe, and the relationship will run its course eventually if that's what's meant to be.

I went out with a 21 year old when I was fifteen. He was very immature and I was very mature. He wasn't creepy or sleezy, ultimately the relationship fizzled because I grew up and he didn't, and he genuinely loved me. I remember his mum seeming very against us being together, although she always treated me well, welcomed me into her home etc, but she seemed distant sometimes, and it's only with hindsight that I realize it must have been because she was concerned about the age gap.

I met DH when I was 16 he was 26 and we are still together 16 years later and totally in love. My only other BF was when i was 15 and he was 21 - we went out for about 4 mths and did not sleep together - he did not try to make me at all it was very innocent and he respected I was underage anyway.

What i'm trying to say is you cannot make generalisations based on age.

I think men hang around young girls like this because:

the girls are likely to be virgins
the girls are unlikely to have formed fully assertive personalities and will be easier to impress, they will be easier to pressure into sex, or sexual acts and not be confident enough to say "get lost" as an older owman might
they are less likely to stand up to the man or contradict him
they are unlikely to be challenging and far more likely to go along with what he says because he is older
the men think young girls have firmer bum and boobs
the girls are more likely to hero-worship their first "proper" boyfriend

The only advantage for the young girl is that she finds out what it is like to go out with a complete tosser and thus can appreciate a decent man when he comes along.

Coldhands, you say in your OP that she is boy mad, always going on about boys etc. (ie, she's a normal 15 yr old)

Nothing you say or do is unfortunately going to make the slightest bit of difference. If he fancies her like she fancies him (and do we know he is interested in her at all? or only that she is interested in him?) then wild horses ain't going to stop them, much less a concerned Aunt. (especially given the fact that her mother isn't bothered )

My cousin is 14, and stuff I read on FB makes my toes curl. She is having sex, her parents say "well, we presumed she was" (current love-of-life is in 6th form) What can you do?

Also, if this does go ahead as feared,she's soon going to be 16 and you're not even going to be able to use the stat rape thing to try and convince her otherwise.

If anything I'd try and convince the mother to be having a word, but beyond that, I don't think there's much can be done. Unfortunately teenage girls see it as cool to be going out with some saddo who can't get someone nearer his own age. He'll have more money than her schoolmates, perhaps a car etc etc. What's not to like when you're 15 and trying to impress?

Fingers crossed he doesn't actually fancy her I suppose.

Tricky one.

I had lots of older male and female friends with I was that age, through the 90s indie scene which was a huge part of my life. Our friendships didn't go past them being my chaperones to get me into over-sixteen gigs/buying fags for me . I think that the guys would have been horrified if anyone thought they had dishonourable intentions towards me.

This however sounds slightly different. If there are sexual undertones it's a bit icky. Remind her that she is under the age of consent and that if this man has sex with her, he is breaking the law. I don't know when she is sixteen but when she is, she can do what she likes, regardless or what anyone else thinks. Let her make her own mistakes at that time. It's all you can do.

I would hate this. My dd is 14 and I would be utterly horrified if she had friends, on FB or otherwise, of this age.

It may seem rather hypocritical as my DP is 16 years older tahn me, however we met when I was nearly 30. If I had met him when I was 15 (and he was 31) that would be deeply wrong I think.

I think for girls of this age older men hold a certain kind of fascination - I remember having a really strong crush on someone I worked with when I was 14 - he must have been in his 40s. He flirted very strongly, it feels weird thinking about it now.

I monitor DD's FB - I am not her friend on it (I don't want to be on blardy facebook) but I do ask to look at it from time to time. She also never goes out - well, she does, but she is so involved in clubs etc that she hardly goes into town socialising, and so I can be assured that she wouldn't meet up with old fellas. God forbid.

OP - gawd knows what you can do. Your niece seems so vulnerable. I think keep a very close eye on her and give her a talking to so she knows what is what.

It is not normal or right or good! GAH.

I'm 21 and find the thought of dating anybody under the age of 20 repulsive! But I remember in school most of my peers dated guys at least 7 years older than them from the age of 13, many of them now have children by guys a lot older than them by the age of 19 and guess who're the ones to be 'stuck' with the kids and no support?

It's disgusting, I feel very strongly about it and I don't care how many people think it's normal, it is not. Under 18's are still legally children, and if you find that over the age of 20 you have more in common with teens than your peer group then there's obviously something not right! Especially if you find them attractive! It very rarely becomes true love and marriage, that can not be what people in their 20's are looking for in teenagers.

YANBU to think he doesn't want to be 'just friends'.

I was in similar situation at that age (14/15)- though no internet then of course - and didn't think anything was wrong at all in fact I felt quite flattered and delighted that such a person took interest in me - I thought it was brilliant. Nothing dreadful happened but of course it wasn't brilliant and I was way to young/immature to be involved like that. I believe it has gone on to affect all my subsequent relationships with men & not in a positive way.

It's hard to stop though - but I think it would be great for the girl to know people know what's up & talk with her about it. Remind her she has options. I guess strict parents may enforce a separation - but that will have consequences too.

I think she possibly has self esteem issues (I did, Mandy Smith probably did) and it may be too late to change all of those in time to deal with this.

there's such a MASSIVE difference in physical and emotional maturity from a 15 year old to a 24 year old.
im not trying to offend, but there's something wrong if at 24 you fancy 15 year olds. people who say 'age doesnt matter' need to be more realistic. if age doesnt matter, why dont we let 12 year olds have sex, and 14 year olds drink? its because you have not finished developing emotionally and physically! its called....PUBERTY. the rite of passage into adulthood. confused teenagers whould be with other confused teenagers.

if it was a 24 year old and a 33 year old it would be less strange.
but if it was a 15 year old and a 6 year old. or a 19 year old and a 10 year old. or a 13 year old with a 22 year old.
think back to how you were at 15, and then again at 24.
OP, you are definately not being unreasonable. im not shouting 'peadophile!' but there's some issues if you fancy someone 10 years younger who hasnt stopped growing yet!

I have a 21 year old friend at 15. I certanly wasn't mature. I used to get very cross when he would disappear for the weekend and reappear on Monday with a grin on his face, he would never explain wher he had been or what e had been doing (in some woman's bed, probably) but we were and still are genuine friends. He never hit on me, wasn't a creep, and although we had a brief fling when I was 19 and he was 25 (doesn't sound abnormal to put it like that, does it?) we remained friends forever after, asnd I'm now nearly 30.

Hmm I don't think there's much you can do aside from making it very very clear that sex under 16 is illegal. If necessary to both of them.

I dated a 26 year old and a 29 year old when I was 15-16-17, I don't feel I was taken advantage of actually, I was a very willing participant but I can see that some girls would be and would regret their choices.