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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask my DS (16) to contribute financially?

73 replies

SmellsLikeTeenSweat · 22/04/2010 11:35

I need some perspective.

DS leaves school this summer, after his GCSEs. He did some casual work over Easter for a local building firm & loved it.

They've offered him a job as an apprentice, starting in the summer. He will also go to college one day a week in Sept.

He'll be on tea-making low wages at first, around £145 gross a week, so about £7,500 pa (less any tax & NI).

He'll have fares to work, & lunches, and will no doubt buy many of his own clothes & shoes etc, not sure.

But, we are skint by the end of every month now, & not saving anything. DS eats like a horse. Yesterday I said something about how brilliant it will be when he is contributing, and all hell was let loose. DD said 'You're charging him rent?' DH said I was being Victorian, and that 16 is too young. I was thinking that £20pw, £80 a month, might make the difference to us being overdrawn or not.

What do you reckon?

OP posts:
JaneS · 22/04/2010 11:39

If literally all he is paying for out of his wages is travel, lunch,tax and clothes, I think he could afford to contribute 20 per week.

What does he think himself?

Hassled · 22/04/2010 11:43

He's earning, he should contribute. Stick to your guns - or he will have a nasty shock when he's living independently.

Pancakeflipper · 22/04/2010 11:44

Sounds fine to me - far cheaper than renting a flat and paying bills.

But I think you need to take opportunity for both parties to sit and rejig roles and responsibilities now he's's in adult working world. E.g laundry, housework etc....

If you get in a position of not requiring his contribution then perhaps keep him paying rent but you return some for big things like driving lessons if his wage is poor?

Or is that me being too kind?

igivein · 22/04/2010 11:44

He should contribute - even if you were rolling in it. It's part of teaching him to be responsible with money.
I'd also expect him to start regular saving out of his wage.
But then I'm probably just a miserable, miserly old bint!

Journey · 22/04/2010 11:47

Will he just be wasting the money on unnecessary stuff or will he try and save a little every month? If he is going to be frivolous then I would charge him £20 a week.

BessieBoots · 22/04/2010 11:47

I was asked to contribute when I was at home and working full-time. Wasn't happy at the time, but I'm really glad now.

posieparker · 22/04/2010 11:47

I would tempted to take £40, £20 for keep and save £20 for him.

muffymk · 22/04/2010 11:47

Helloo

I'll just put my two penneth in. I started work at 16 and I gave my mum half my wages as she was ill and my dad left us

Monthly rent of £80 is nothing to someone who has only his ass to keep.

I have already told my kids (one who is 15) that soon as they start work I would want rent.

Charge him and let him get used to the real world

LisaD1 · 22/04/2010 11:48

I absolutely think he should contribute to the household income. He is eating/drinking/sleeping/showering etc and none of that is free. You will be doing him a favour in the long run by teaching him some financial responsibility. I left school at 16 (some 20years ago) and as soon as I was working I paid in to the household pot.

Chulita · 22/04/2010 11:49

My parents charged us rent once we were earning, I don't think yab at all u. It wasn't a popular move with us but I think children can end up assuming that the parents will always pay for everything. He'll be using his pay to buy/do whatever he wants so it's only fair he contributes.

diddl · 22/04/2010 11:50

I used to "give a third/save a third/spend a third"

CMOTdibbler · 22/04/2010 11:50

I think 20 quid a week, and buying all of his own clothes, shoes and toiletries is fair. You'll be spending a lot more than that to feed him, bills etc, and he needs to learn that there are more costs than just pleasing himself

Poledra · 22/04/2010 11:52

My parents charged us rent when we worked during our holidays from university - mind you, we really got it all back as none of us got grants and our parents gave us the full contribution. I can see no problem with paying rent if you're earning.

None of us went back to live at home after university, but I don't think the two things are connected

MaineGirl · 22/04/2010 11:55

i can see your point, but not sure i would charge at 16. i was at school until i was 18 and only at home for about 8 months after school before i moved out but i used to give my dad £100 on payday and then he'd give it back to me at the end of the month to save me borrowing from him or my mum.
i think its something you and dh need to discuss and come up with a solution between the two of you, as if you say yes he must pay £20 per week and your dh gives him £60-£80 at the end of the month when hes spent the rest it gives out the wrong message and that you aren;t working as a team.

Original poster
SmellsLikeTeenSweat · 22/04/2010 11:57

Thank you all. I am so relieved that you can see where I'm coming from.

I, too, started work at 16 and my mum asked for money out of my second wage. I was . I reminded DH of this and he said 'Yes, and she was BU'.

DS wouldn't save. I would like to take some of it & save it for him, as I have with any spare we've had all his life. But he's not interested. He would spend it on expensive clothes, probably. I bought him a fleece for £13 & a couple of weeks later he bought himself an identical one (apart from the logo)from Adidas for £50 !

So not waste it exactly, I hope, but his attitude is 'live for today'.

Oh yes, and when I mentioned it, it came as a shock & he said no!

So I have to convince DH & him. FIL will be on my side (for the first time ever!) so maybe I'll rope him in, but after the first (official#0 wage packet. (let the dust settle)

OP posts:
Original poster
SmellsLikeTeenSweat · 22/04/2010 12:01
OP posts:
ScreaminEagle · 22/04/2010 12:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

IveStillGotIt · 22/04/2010 12:04

£20pw, out of £145!!! I think your being to soft with him, if thats all your asking for!
When i was 16 (12y ago) i was an apprentice hairdresser on £64pw, i gave my parents £15, then offered them £20, when my wages went up to £75! Then i left to work in a hotel, and was earing £120, and i gave them £30pw. I then fell pg with ds, (had him when i was 18), i had to go on benefits, for a short while, and i still gave them £30!
However, when my middle sister (im the oldest) left school, she went to college, but worked part time in a hotel (a posher one than i worked in!) and earned pretty much the same i was on, more than what my benefits were, and my mother never took a penny off of her, because she was studying!!! I was furious, she had more money than me, plus extra from college, yet i had to give my mum £30 and feed and clothe ds and myself(just clothe, i got my meals), yet she got to keep all her money, which she frittered in the pub, when she should have been in college!
I didnt mind paying my way, i thought £30 came nowhere near covering my food, heating, getting my washing, and ironing done! I was just miffed my sister didnt have to contribute, she never even offered!
YANBU but you are being too generous!

wrinklyraisin · 22/04/2010 12:19

I had to give my mum 50% of my pay from age 16 as bed and board... started off at about twenty quid then as I worked more I ended up paying her over 50 quid a week. I agree that once able to work and legally old enough to move out, you should contribute a fair amount towards your keep. It is a good life lesson to learn that nothing comes for free, and everything you take for granted as a teenager actually costs your parents money.

SalFresco · 22/04/2010 12:23

The rule in our house was that you started paying as soon as you were working full time. YANBU.

princessparty · 22/04/2010 12:30

I would wait until he was 18.He is still a child and your responsibility

tootyflooty · 22/04/2010 12:32

my ds 19 started work at 17 and has been paying keep ever since, he runs a car, so has petrol and insurance , mob phone, but he is an adult out in the work place. He pays 100.00 a month which I feel is fair given his salary .His gf often eats at ours as well, part of me feels mean, as I was at college until I was 20 so didn't pay house keeping until I started full time work.But he choose to work as opposed to uni etc so once in the adult world has to assume some adult resposabilities. If he was in a flat he would be paying 100's more, plus his washing and ironing is done and I make him a packed lunch, so he doesn't have any other household expences to worry about. We are also very skint so his money is crucial to us.

Shodan · 22/04/2010 12:34

I have told ds1 (who is only 14 at the moment, so getting in early!) that so long as he is in full-time education, he doesn't have to pay anything.

If, however, he chooses not to do A-levels, or go onto uni, but still wants to live at home, then he must pay a fair rent.

(We'd probably save most of it for him, but so far we're lucky enough to be in a position to be able to do so)

So no, YANBU- but I would be inclined to take £40 too.

claw3 · 22/04/2010 12:46

The rules in this house, if you are still in education i pay. If not, you start to pay housekeeping and keep yourself.

I think £20 is very fair, obviously it wont even cover the cost of his food, but i think its a start towards standing on your own two feet. I would be inclined to let him keep his first months wages.

MuffinToptheMule · 22/04/2010 12:48

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all.

I think if your ds was in full time education and aged under 18 then it would be unreasonable to ask for rent if he had a part time job but he is working full time then you are definitely being reasonable.

Your ds will be earning more than I do!