to ask my DS (16) to contribute financially?

[SmellsLikeTeenSweat]

I need some perspective.

DS leaves school this summer, after his GCSEs. He did some casual work over Easter for a local building firm & loved it.

They've offered him a job as an apprentice, starting in the summer. He will also go to college one day a week in Sept.

He'll be on tea-making low wages at first, around £145 gross a week, so about £7,500 pa (less any tax & NI).

He'll have fares to work, & lunches, and will no doubt buy many of his own clothes & shoes etc, not sure.

But, we are skint by the end of every month now, & not saving anything. DS eats like a horse. Yesterday I said something about how brilliant it will be when he is contributing, and all hell was let loose. DD said 'You're charging him rent?' DH said I was being Victorian, and that 16 is too young. I was thinking that £20pw, £80 a month, might make the difference to us being overdrawn or not.

What do you reckon?

We gave both our children 1 year rent free when they left school, on the understanding they did not ask for any money from me at all, they bought everything, except food of course, and i was bloody quids in. after that first year they were quite happy to pay rent as they seemed a bit more "worldly" and understood thats what was going to happen.

when i was 16 and starting working my mum took £45 a week from me in rent and I had to do all my own washing, ironing etc, the only thing was I didn't have to cook as we all ate together.

I think £20 is too lenient out of £145 a week tbh.

Why don't you make a list of how much it would cost him to live alone ie:

own 1 bed flat or bedsit rent =
gas, electric, water =
food pw =
council tax =
transport =
clothing =
toiletries =

total = ( a hella lot more than £20 pw! )

If he is working he has to put some money in the pot, i am that your DH and DD feel differently, have they had everything handed to them on a plate?

i would take £35pw - 25 for housekeeping and 10 saved for him pw.
thats £520 after a year, more than enough for 20-25 driving lessons when he turns 17.

yes he isn't a full adult yet, but during his transition he needs to learn some valuble lessons, one of which is paying your way.
its only going to make him more aware of responsability and how to control his money, so i don't think you should back down to your DH at all, definatley get your FIL to have a word lol.

Not sure if it helps your argument with your DH or not, but you could point out that with son no longer in full time education, you will no longer be getting his child benefit/tax credits so actually charging him £80 a month will mean that you are just breaking even.

As soon as I started working I covered my own groceries, clothes, bus fare and incidentals. My mother kept paying the bills and mortgage. It seemed reasonable to me then and still does now.

As soon as I started working I started paying a (nominal) rent too. But then had a go at my mum for asking me to tidy my room - I was paying for it, so it was up to me was my thinking.

I think paying rent is a good thing, but beware of how it may upset power balance!

You are definately NOT being unreasonable.

You may want to phase it in a bit though. Maybe say that he can stay rent and utility free for x amount of time but he will either need to buy his own groceries or contribute his fair share towards the household groceries. He would be wise to chose the contribution route if all you are going to charge him is £20/week.

Basically, make all the household expenses very obvious to him and the fact that by only contibuting £20/week you are still supporting him significantly but allowing him to take that first step towards financial independence.

I dislike the idea of charging 'rent'. This is your sons home and he shouldn't have to pay to live there imo. I would phrase it as 'a contribution to the household' which all working adults should make. That said, I would see how much money he is actually bringing home before settling on an amount. He is only 16 and fares/tax/lunches etc are expensive. If you take money, he may well be working all week for practically nothing. I think I would hold off until he is 18/earning decent money.

I like OTTMumA's plan, just to shock him.

You could also do a calculation of what it costs you to have him living there in terms of food and extra power/water/etc.

If you are not well off now then you'll need the money when the child benefit stops.

I give my Mum £10 of my £40 JSA a week for 'upkeep', I'd say £20 is fine at 16 on that wage. He earns more in a week than I do in my seasonal jobs!

"That said, I would see how much money he is actually bringing home before settling on an amount. He is only 16 and fares/tax/lunches etc are expensive."

I'd push towards 60 or 70 depending on what's left after tax and travel costs - and put some of it into savings for him even if not mentioned at this point.

If it means he has to go to the supermarket and make sandwiches it will work out cheaper than buying lunch each day. Seeing that food in our local shops (eg ready made sandwiches) run from 1.00 to 2.20 and the chippie costs anything from 1.50 (just chips) getting a few sandwich fillers and doing his own will do him no harm, cost a fraction, allow him to have twice as much food as he'd get for the same amount of cash, especially if he 'eats like a horse', while you can ensure he gets his "5 a day" when he gets home, still hungry! Doubt he's likely to want a flask of coffee or tea, but buying several cans of lemonade / sprite / etc at a Poundland or similar will mean he can take a couple of cans for 50p a day and keep the rest at home, rather than spending more getting things in some newsagent at high (relative) cost.

Agree with OTTMA and TrillianAstra - but know it is difficult getting the figures together. One of the bigger expenses will be the 'trendy' clothes (like that Adidas fleece), as he will still have his old school mates and once working, will want to show he has extra cash...

Just remind him that if he puts some of his (ie what's left) cash to one side, he can afford expensive items once or twice a month, not every week. He may also start switching mobile phones, every few months, which is again a costly way to do things.

I started work at 19 and put at least a third of my income (low because I was under 21) into household bills. By 25 I was paying all major bills as my Mum had had a stroke (age 60) and was forced to retire. I was also paying my siblings several hundred a year each to compensate them for their share of the house, since they were all living away with partners, and I was the 'breadwinner' still at the family home.

YANBU. If he was still at school, then fine. But he's not and it's perfectly acceptable to ask for a contribution, knowing just how much 16 year old lads can eat! It's a really good way for him to start out on his adult life rather than being sub'd by his parents!

Honestly I think your DH is being a muppet. This is the best way to start to teach your ds some financial sense - and from his reaction, he obviously needs it as he thinks money just appears as if by magic. STick to your guns lass!!

Years ago when I started work, I earned £200 per month and I had to pay £60 to my parents for board. If I wanted any different toiletries than what my mum used to buy every week then I had to buy them myself.

If he's not working, you won't be getting child benefit for him any more. So the least you should ask him for is the amount that you get for the second+ child in child benefit (if that makes sense) - this will be less than £20 a week because that is roughly how much you get for the oldest child.

I would either do it this way (the simple way) or sit him down with you and your DH (or any other earning adults in the house) and show him all the ingoings and all the outgoings you have (including things that aren't obviously budgeted for, like e.g. fund for replacing furniture/painting rooms/general DIY) so he gets an idea, and ask him how much he thinks would be fair to contribute.

Of course YANBU at all.It is good parenting to expect him to contribute.Ask your Dh how far £20 a week would go if your ds had to support himself.Well done you are so right on this.

hell yes you should take board money. You've lost the child benefit, and £20 a week probably wouldn't even FEED him!

Surely he'll buy all of his own clothes and shoes, even if you do ask him for rent?

And I also think it is too low.

I agree with the posters saying he is your child and your responsibility, which is why I would be taking money off him to ensure he does not get into the habit of thinking his living costs are zero. If he is 'an adult', he cannot live for free. If he is a child, £145 a week is too much money for him to just 'have'. That's what I earn, FGS! If I could afford to, I would take a token, £20 a week, and save it. If not, I would take a third.

Perhaps you should take £70, like others have said. Keep £30 and save £40(gosh in 1 year he will have saved over £2000). £70 is enough for a night out and clothes!

saslou my house is my home but I still have to pay to live here!

I think £20 a week is perfectly reasonable. I think you should also agree that what he does with his own money after that is his business and you won't pass judgement or comment on how he spends it.

Will you charge your DD too when she starts working. Maybe it would be fairer to charge him a percentage (10%) and then if your DD starts working too charge her the same proportion.

YANBU though

I wouldnt charge him- hes still 'learning' whilst being an apprentice.