Argh childminder rant!!!!!!

[lunavix]

Ok so I know I'm not entirely unreasonable here but I just need to get it off my chest!

I was previously a childminder and my friend started childminding shortly after me and is now my childminder. I know there's pitfuls with this/friendship etc and I'm fully aware of that but it's worked well enough for me as I wouldn't have trusted anyone else with him.

However - ARGH!!!!! I pay her a lot, It's not the highest rate going, and I don't pay for food per se, but I pay her full time hours every week for the year. I don't use a bare minimum of 10 weeks a year (school holidays as I'm at uni) plus her holidays are always school weeks so I pay those too obviously as I pay 52 weeks a year.

Plus as I'm at uni I never do 5 days a week so she has days off during the week, and when I'm on placement she will have anything from 2 to 4 days off a week too. In return I asked that she was reasonably flexible and may very occassionally do overnights, or maybe on the odd week till 7ish in the evening. She also starts at 7 on occassion. But still, it works out I'm paying her far, far more.

Today I was on way home and she text to say 'when you going to be here to collect?' So I said I'd pick them up before their swimming class as I was going home to do a few jobs first and would only have to take them home for 20min before walking back past hers to swimming. She said, no pick them up and come here before you go swimming, to which I replied that I had tons to do so couldn't just sit at hers and she's gone slightly mad saying she doesn't want to do school run as it's only my son she has to pick up and it's not her job to have them for me to sit at home and I'm taking the piss!!

I'm astounded to say the least. I replied that I didn't pay her to sit at home either and she sent me a message back saying 'get stuffed'!!

I actually can't believe she's being like this, I know it's very unprofessional etc but our relationship is very casual but STILL! I just had to vent about it. She did have prior warning too, this morning she asked if I was back for the school run and I ssaid 'possibly' so she asked if she was doing tea and I said definitely not. So it wasn't like I had said I'd definitely be here.

I have a few moans like it. She doesn't like having them at shorter notice at all, eg if I'm stressed before an exam and ask her to have them for the day to revise (what happened this week) she'll pretty much say no or make a huge deal out of it. If she's made plans ie to go out somewhere and they don't fit in the car fair enough I say. But when she's staying at home and has decided she only wants two childminded kids instead of four...

I guess thats me being unreasonable though as I suppose I should give four weeks notice 'officially' of a change of hours. However, I see it as she's paid for them anyways so should she not work them and days off are bonuses?

ARGHHH.

Okay I feel better for the rant :D

Seems an odd set up - she gets all the flexibility and yuo get none!
You prob need to sit down and actually agree what she is paid for. If she is paid for 5 full days per week 52 per year, apart for mher hols ,then she should be available to you, surely?

oh dear.

Our first CM used to bitch about having mindees if one of their parents was off work. One of the (many) reasons that it didn't work out.

Sounds like you have completely different understandings of what your contract means.

If you want this to work out then you could try apologising for any misunderstanding and ask that you can have a meeting to discuss her expectations about her hours.

or you could look for a more professional CM (which is what we did)

If she's paid for the hours, then of course you don't need 4 weeks notice!!! You've paid for them, her time off is a bonus. Not sure about the out of hours times though. Obviously she's not willing to be flexible for you, but maybe you need to be clearer when making the arrangements?

'it's not her job to have them for me to sit at home and I'm taking the piss!!'

Well actually if you have paid her for the hours then yes it is her job.

If you're paying for the hours, she should be available to look after your children whether or not you're free.

If my CM said something like that I would probably terminate the contract.

I think it is wrong to say that she should always be available. Even if the OP is paying her for the hours then there should a a minimum notice for confirming what hours are actually needed.

does she actually realise you are paying FT hours? Sounds very odd!

and lunavix...

I speak from experience when I say that you should be careful about the lengths you will go to to hang on to childcare just because you "wouldn't have trusted anyone else with him". This was exactly my situation with our first CM and with hindsight I can't believe the level of crap that we put up with from her just because I couldn't face the idea of moving ds1 to someone I didn't know.

this seems way to weighted in her favour. Not equitable at all.

way too weighted ( I mean )

YesYouMust - no that's what she said to me, it was a quote.

The thing is I don't want to find another childminder. I'm very happy with how she is with the kids, and she's very convenient. There's very few CMs for the school, less who'd start at 7 etc etc .....

Plus our friendship already suffered, I can tell I'm now viewed as a childminding parent instead of a friend and I've pretty much gotten over that. I can't believe she spoke to me like that though.

I think it's the flexibility that's a problem. It's what I pay her for and once her hours are set then that's that. I was also expecting another argument that I don't think will help now. Basically I'd like my son to do a cycling club at school, which she wants her daughter to do as well. The chances of me needing her to collecting him aren't high, as it's on his dad's evening who may collect him and I may also not be working, but I know she's going to refuse if I ever do ask her, saying her daughter will walk home by herself.

The thing is, again it frustrates me as her daughters do maybe 6 or more activities after school between then, and on some of those evenings she's ferried my kids around in the car and fed them junky meals to fit it all in... yet the school is 5 minutes away to walk and I just know she'll say it's too inconvenient. Argh again!

There's nothing I really want to do about it except I might sit her down and say I want to talk about her hours like suggested. The other problem there is her hours will change in sept as my daughter will be full time, so I'll be technically paying her for two kids for 'full time' hours before and after school, and for full time during holidays. She's already complaining about this (obviously her money will go down and she loses another child at the same time) but I have a feeling it all needs to be made clearer.

I disagree Muddleduck but it probably depends on circumstances. I pay my CM for 8-6 3 days a week. I rarely use all those hours e.g. I'll drop DD off shortly after 8 but will often pick up at 4/4.30. However if I actually pick up at 6 I would expect her not to make a fuss about it. 6.10 is obviously a differet issue.

IMO If there are core hours agreed and paid for, the CM should be available to mind for those hours. If she can't do them then she needs to take holiday and let the parent know even if the core hours are not all used.

You've got to make other arrangements - this has run its course. her attitude is astounding - she is paid to watch your child whether you're at university lectures, at paid work, studying or watching Jeremy Kyle whilst eating bonbons.

azaz, yes but she can't sit in the house all day in case the OP turns up. So she does need a little bit of notice.
Anyway, that's just a thought, as that definitely isn't what is happening. Unless she hasn't realised she's paid FT, she is taking the piss. Hugely.

please be careful lunavix - you are making lots of excuses for her dreadful behaviour. Sounds to me like the 'power' in this relationship is all on one side - you are so committed to the idea that you can't ever leave her that you're putting up with nonsense.

sounds like you need a good clear talk about what is expected on either side.

and please look in to other childcare options. just in case you ever need them. IME you should always have a plan B

What should I say to her?

I DO want to keep her. I know she's taking the piss and I know I shouldn't put up with it but the kids will miss her and her kids and like I said sourcing new childcare will not be easy.

Ideally I'm guessing I need to outline that she needs to be more flexible - I agree with the posts that I should give her some notice. Today I assumed would be okay as she was already aware I might not be back in time. The problem was once she knew I was, she frankly couldn't be bothered just to pick up my child.

I'm not sure what to say to her really. She is fully aware she's paid full time. We calculated the hours together.

"You've got to make other arrangements - this has run its course. her attitude is astounding - she is paid to watch your child whether you're at university lectures, at paid work, studying or watching Jeremy Kyle whilst eating bonbons."

Exactly. Couldn't put it better.

If you want to save this then I you need to go in a bit apologetic... "there has clearly been a misunderstanding between us about your working hours and how much notice you need. perhaps you can give me an idea of how things could be improved?"

or you could suggest changing to a contract where you only pay for the hours you use. This would emaphsize how much you are currently overpaying her!

I don't understand - you say you're happy with her because of the convenience but you are complaining about the inconvenience of it all and it sounds bloody inconvenient to everybody else, not to mention expensive. You say you've gotten over your friendship giving way for a professional CM-parent relationship, and seem to give this as another reason you don't want to change (ie because you've sorted your relationship out) but no professional should speak to a client like that! it's totally unacceptable!

i think really you are simply not looking forward to finding another childcarer which is fair enough because it can be hard work and often you feel 'better the devil you know'. you seem to be tied to the illusion this person is flexible and suits your needs but in reality she's not at all.

arrange a meeting to sort out with her exactly what each of your expectations are, (including reasonable language/behaviour!) and renegotiate the contract in a way that you can both agree on. hopefully she'll realise how much money she'll lose if she doesn't join the programme but i suspect she'll be defensive and angry and suggest you can always go elsewhere if you're not happy - in which case, you know for definite where yous tand.

I agree with muddleduck, you need a plan B.

The language she uses might annoy a friend, but if she sees you not as a friend but a parent of a mindee, then I would be really concerned about the way she talks to parents, how does she talk to the kids?

Fair enough if she hauls your kids around to collect hers, (that issue has been done to death on here) but if she is paid to look after your kids, it can't be an inconvenience to get your son home from school safely if it doesn't clash with another activity.

I know you say she isn't expensive, but if you are paying her for 40 hours of childcare a week, and are using 25 then she is expensive.

You are paying a lot, and putting up with attitude and she is uncertain as to where she is each day so I think you are both a bit annoyed and need to sort it out with a chat.

ok just read your posts about the kids missing her. this is difficult - but at the end of the day, happy kids unhappy mummy isn't a good deal. ideally you want to all be happy! finding somebody else doesn't nec mean happy mummy, unhappy kids...

Just to clarify a few thiings (thanks everyone, I am reading all posts)

I have no problem with her taking my kids anywhere to collect hers etc. Even if it's a lot, the point there was I know asking her to do it this couple of times will cause a big row.

Her son and my daughter are both coming up 4 and have known each other since birth. I have very very few friends in the area and if I were to stop using her I would have none (they're technically her friends first). I know that's a daft reason but I mean it would entirely alienate me in the area.

Using her involved a massive argument with ex-H who didn't like the fact I paid a friend to care for the kids - he thought she'd turn them against him (?). Finding another childminder (our school is tiny and there's only one I know of who is full) will be not only complex but he will interfere and cause many, many problems.

AxisofEvil/mrsBean - I know. I know that's the point. I think todays brought it to a head (the fact I had to use a friend to care for them over the last two weeks as I knew she'd object during school holidays has kind of pushed it there.)

The trouble is, again, I'm 90% certain her attitude will be 'if you aren't happy, find someone else'. I don't feel she is the sort of person to compromise - I've never heard her apologise for anything in the 6 years I've known her. There will be no point bringing up todays argument. I will work on the hours though, I just hate conflict!!! Hate hate hate it!

If I were in your childminder I would not be happy with the arrangement. What are full-time hours to you? If she has your kids 7am-7pm then that's 12 hours, if she has your kids for these hours for 3 days a week then that's 36 hours she's put in already. Then sometimes you ask for an overnight?

You're also assuming she's staying in on particular days. She may not be.

You need to have a formal contract of hours if you want to continue childcare with this friend. An informal arrangement is not working for either of you and I bet both of you think the other is taking advantage of the situation.

The advantage for you is that this friend is much more flexible than a nursery. You need to make sure both of you are happy with your arrangement. If not, you need to find alternate childcare.

lunavix.
sounds like she knows you have no other option.

FWIW when I was in a (VERY) similar situation we ended up with the CM eventually giving us notice leaving us with 3 weeks to find alternative childcare.

YOU NEED A PLAN B!