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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Argh childminder rant!!!!!!

69 replies

lunavix · 20/04/2010 14:48

Ok so I know I'm not entirely unreasonable here but I just need to get it off my chest!

I was previously a childminder and my friend started childminding shortly after me and is now my childminder. I know there's pitfuls with this/friendship etc and I'm fully aware of that but it's worked well enough for me as I wouldn't have trusted anyone else with him.

However - ARGH!!!!! I pay her a lot, It's not the highest rate going, and I don't pay for food per se, but I pay her full time hours every week for the year. I don't use a bare minimum of 10 weeks a year (school holidays as I'm at uni) plus her holidays are always school weeks so I pay those too obviously as I pay 52 weeks a year.

Plus as I'm at uni I never do 5 days a week so she has days off during the week, and when I'm on placement she will have anything from 2 to 4 days off a week too. In return I asked that she was reasonably flexible and may very occassionally do overnights, or maybe on the odd week till 7ish in the evening. She also starts at 7 on occassion. But still, it works out I'm paying her far, far more.

Today I was on way home and she text to say 'when you going to be here to collect?' So I said I'd pick them up before their swimming class as I was going home to do a few jobs first and would only have to take them home for 20min before walking back past hers to swimming. She said, no pick them up and come here before you go swimming, to which I replied that I had tons to do so couldn't just sit at hers and she's gone slightly mad saying she doesn't want to do school run as it's only my son she has to pick up and it's not her job to have them for me to sit at home and I'm taking the piss!!

I'm astounded to say the least. I replied that I didn't pay her to sit at home either and she sent me a message back saying 'get stuffed'!!

I actually can't believe she's being like this, I know it's very unprofessional etc but our relationship is very casual but STILL! I just had to vent about it. She did have prior warning too, this morning she asked if I was back for the school run and I ssaid 'possibly' so she asked if she was doing tea and I said definitely not. So it wasn't like I had said I'd definitely be here.

I have a few moans like it. She doesn't like having them at shorter notice at all, eg if I'm stressed before an exam and ask her to have them for the day to revise (what happened this week) she'll pretty much say no or make a huge deal out of it. If she's made plans ie to go out somewhere and they don't fit in the car fair enough I say. But when she's staying at home and has decided she only wants two childminded kids instead of four...

I guess thats me being unreasonable though as I suppose I should give four weeks notice 'officially' of a change of hours. However, I see it as she's paid for them anyways so should she not work them and days off are bonuses?

ARGHHH.

Okay I feel better for the rant :D

OP posts:

thesecondcoming · 20/04/2010 19:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

uggmum · 20/04/2010 19:22

I do feel for you and it is a difficult situation. I had a friend who offered to take my dd to school 2 days a week and look after her in the holidays. She was a registered childminder and I paid her the going rate.
To be honest, I should have said no as I didn't want to mix friendship with a business arrangement. But I didn't want to hurt her feelings.
Needless to say it didn't work out I should have gone with my instinct.
She couldn't separate the business arrangement from friendship and felt taken for granted.
After she gave me notice and dd left her we didn't speak again which was sad.
I would look for a new childminder, some do offer a degree of flexibility, especially as you are paying for a full time space anyway.

missjellycat · 20/04/2010 19:41

I think you are paying her far too much, and I think there's possibly more too it than childcare - you feel isolated, and are in a way buying a friendship.

If you change childminders, your financial and childcare issues are clearly solved. Your social life needs an overhaul and it should start with sacking this 'friend'.

Being a manager isn't an easy skill for many women, but don't let this woman walk all over you. Employ someone new, a professional that you pick for her aptitude with kids and ability to do the hours you need. Be clear what the pay will be, and don't let guilt push you to overpay - it's a job, no more and no less.

missjellycat · 20/04/2010 19:43

I think there is a difference between flexibility and wanting someone to be at your beck and call, and paying them excessive amounts so that you can have that - it sounds like she has a busy life too, you can't realistically expect to own all of her waking hours...

FabIsGoingToGetFit · 20/04/2010 19:49

This needs to be dealt with soon.

Talk to her tomorrow.

Make it clear that things are not great as they are and you need to clarify the situation.

You are paying her far too much for what you are not getting.

You need to have a plan B.

If you don't deal with this then you have to accept paying for something you are not getting and getting hassle into the bargain.

Missus84 · 20/04/2010 19:56

missjellycat - the OP isn't the childminder's manager, she's her client. She's paying for a service, not employing her.

compo · 20/04/2010 19:57

op? are you ok?

Original poster

lunavix · 20/04/2010 20:07

Oh sorry everyone had to go out and do swimming lessons and all sorts!
And now I'm just reading through the messages and taking everything in. Didn't expect so many people to respond - thanks everyone!!!

OP posts:

thesecondcoming · 20/04/2010 20:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AvadaKedavra · 20/04/2010 20:21

The money is a retainer though isn't it, as you can't know from one week to the next (it seems?) what days/times you need childcare then she would be losing out bigtime by not charging for it as it's blocking places, she couldn't find someone else.
It's not the CM being paid for nothing, you pay for the space you are taking up.

thesecondcoming · 20/04/2010 20:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

lunavix · 20/04/2010 20:41

Ok I'm going to try and reply.

I do not resent the large amount I pay, nor do I mess her around as much as people seem to think. When I get my timetables she knows straight away and writes it in her diary, but we both know it might change. Lectures move, finish early, run late, and my placements are 24 hour a day 7 day week shift work in a hospital on sometimes a two week rota. The variability is what we agreed on, as I have no control over it and due to the nature of my course I'm not allowed to just not attend and she's aware of this. I suggested the amount to her and the 52 week a year payment, as I knew from childminding myself that I should pay a full time contract as I'd be using a full time space. Including holidays. She was more than happy with this.

Granted my days change quite a bit but this doesn't actually affect my CM much, my children are the only ones she has term time beside one small fulltime child (standard hours!) and she herself has said it makes no difference to her what days she has them. I inform her as soon as I know, usually weeks in advance. And usually (as someone suggested) I ask her to work till 5ish anyways, regardless if I pick up early.

I would like to stress she doesn't work 60 hour weeks!!!! 7am starts and 7pm finishes are not on the same days. I have on placememnts known my entire rota months in advance, so many times she has lots of notice. A lot of the time the kids dad picks them up, or his mum. Like I said you could count the times she's done a full week on one hand. I don't just drop off and pick up at my choosing, it's all planned in the diary.

My issue today was we had, as usual, pencilled in a day, but she knew it was an exam - my end of year exam, and I'd therefore finish early and take kids swimming at 5pm. As lectures can finish early, this is why I say 'possibly' to the school run, but definitely no to dinner as I know what time I can get back by. The problem was her refusal to do the school run on the basis it's not her job to if I'm not at uni.

However I've read all your posts and I understand it sounds like it's not working for her. As far as I've been aware she's been more than happy with the arrangement - although as others of you have said perhaps because workload wise she has it easy - but maybe todays outburst is an indicator otherwise. I will write it down for her to discuss. Whoever said I had a good old moan but didn't want to do anything constructive was right - I didn't! I just wanted a moan!!! But I see something needs to be said.

I feel a bit better now too. At swimming I had a tiny rant to a mum I know (NOT a close friend I hasten to stress) who volunteered her services after she heard my woes! Obviously just an off-the-cuff conversation but still, I may have an option should I be left in the lurch, lol.

OP posts:

thesecondcoming · 20/04/2010 20:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CagedBird · 21/04/2010 07:13

OP I'm an ex childminder and in all honesty, I would have absolutely loved a client like you. It actually sounds like she's gotten fed up with childminding and doesn't want to actually do it at all.

I was about to post that it can be quite restrictive when a parent comes at whatever time she feels like (even if you are paid until 7pm) as it means you can't do anything you like such as an off the cuff trip to the park (I've had instances where we were all at the park and I would get a phonecall saying where are you I'm outside your house - parent's over an hour early); or I make dinner for everyone and then parent show's up before hand; Or I don't make dinner as parent has said she'll be picking up early but then decides she's paying me until 7pm anyway so the child can stay. It's baffling and pita but from your last post it sounds like you actually give her plenty of notice. If this is the case she is BU but if it isn't then I'm afraid YABU.

Either way, end the contract, find another childminder. Once your cm tells you to "get stuffed" in a text message, it isn't professional anymore and tbh I don't think I would want somebody who would speak to me like that looking after my children!

If your friends ditch you because you no longer speak to her, then they aren't true friends anyway. I know it's hard to feel alone without anyfriendships but you can hardly feel secure with them anyway..

StealthPolarBear · 21/04/2010 09:44

good luck OP, let us know how it goes

porcamiseria · 21/04/2010 11:11

"The problem was her refusal to do the school run on the basis it's not her job to if I'm not at uni.

so even though you are PAYING her she does not want to do it?

Trim her, trim trim trim, she is taking this for granted and you need to stick up for yourself! Its so hard this type of thing as when people look after your kids its just that much harder to have a business like conversation

If you use a CM or another Mum WRITE AN AGREEMENT, or else you will have the same shit again.

FabIsGoingToGetFit · 21/04/2010 11:19

She is basically saying you paying for her time is not acceptable if you are at home. It really isn't her business what you do during the hours you are paying her to look after your child, to work.

AvadaKedavra · 21/04/2010 12:22

YY get a proper contract agreed in future.

em83 · 22/04/2010 08:26

this is awful, how are mothers meant to go to work/uni when there are childminders ike this around!imo she seems like a right bitch !
my childminder charges the same throughout the year for my 3dcs age 7,2 and 1.
the 7 year old is at school but it would cost x amount if i paid her various amounts each week, so she averages it out over the course of the year therefore my payments stay the same...
i only work part time so she only has them 3 days a week, she is paid from 8-6, therefre if i start work at 1oclock, she is paid from 8 so i still send them at 8, gives me a few hours "me" time lol also she is well aware of the fact that i have taken days off when the kids are at hers

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