Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

To actually feel this way?

80 replies

MNKeepsMeSane · 20/04/2010 07:50

OK i know I am but i really have tried.

I am a reg who has name changed.

I have 2 children the eldest is such hard work and as much as I love my eldest I just don't like him or his behaviour. This morning I have had an hour long lecture about how i am a rubbish mother because i didn't have money to give him to buy songs drinks at school, but did give him a bottle of juice to take. In turn he walked past youngest and hit him round the head.

He then went into his room to get dressed and stood throwing a football at the wall.

this is just one thing in a long line of many and tbh i am worn out. I love him with all my heart yet I cannot like him because of the way he behaves and the evil things he says to me. I dont treat him badly, I take him out for day trips where we all have fun - as long as I don't speak to him.

The other day I took them both out with dfamily and we had a brilliant day until my nephew homed in on me for a hug - which i had tried to give ds1 already - and ds1 ended up walking over and telling me he hated me.

He also pushed my younger nephew off of a small fence so he fell backwards onto the cobble stones banging his head and grazing his back.

I am so worn out with everything. I have camhs coming out soon but i am sat here once again on the edge of tears because of it all.

My mum has also noticed the way he works now iyswim? for example if i arrange a day out he will kick off so he gets left behind then moan he doesn't go anywhere,(only ever been left behind once) when i take him out he moans that its boring and shows me up so we go home and then he moans i don't take him anywhere.

I am meant to be visiting friends this weekend and he has already told me if i take him he will show me up and if i don't he will scream when i come home.....

Last week i went out with friends and their children, he threatened me all week that if i took him he would show off and ruin the day. I ended up calling my friend and saying i wouldn't be going, when i told her why she told me i had to go and not let him dictate to me.

Yesterday DS2 had a chocolate bar left over from an easter egg,DS1 had eaten all of his, and DS1 took it and hid it, it was only the fact that DS2 was crying and asking for it back that alerted me to it and I found it hidden between a stack of books. DS1 blamed DS2 who could not have possibly reached where it had been hidden.

I cannot leave money around as he takes it and even when caught with it lies about where he got it from.

he is 11 btw and this behaviour has been going on for 7 1/2 years.

OP posts:

CheekyVimtoGal · 20/04/2010 15:53

Sorry have no advice as my two are only toddlers. But id consider calling Supernanny lol. No seriously, you need to sit him down and explain to him 'You are the parent, not him and you will not have HIM tellin you what to do'

Are you married/partner? Does your partner contribute in punishing him?

TheLadyEvenstar · 20/04/2010 15:58

DP does contribute to punishments etc but always worries because DS1 tells such lies. The other day I was wakling up the road with him, DS2 and my friend and DS1 turned round and said
"Aunty E do you know mummy broke my nose once and I had to have an operation"

he has never had a broken nose or an operation of any sort!

cupcakesandbunting · 20/04/2010 16:09

I was going to suggest Supernanny She talks a lot of sense, much a it grates to admit it!

Ignore the lies. Tell him that his punishment for this will come when he is telling the truth about something important and he will not be believed. Until then, his tall tales will be laughed at by you.

MitchyInge · 20/04/2010 16:14

do not know whether to laugh or cry at some of the things on here 'show him who is boss' etc

have a troubled child of my own (she is 17 now and currently in hospital, under section) and despite having an older and a younger child with none of her problems people still assume it is my weak parenting that is at fault. you just have to hope it never comes back to haunt them with their own children.

people are wired differently, from birth, and some children respond in textbook fashion to whatever parenting approach is currently in fashion and other children (and their parents!) have a really really difficult time of it

I don't think this is something you can just discipline him out of, although boundaries obviously hugely beneficial, think love and professional intervention are your best bet for now

lots of luck anyway, I can imagine how you might feel at times

TheLadyEvenstar · 20/04/2010 16:15

oh if it wasn't suc h an embarrassment for my family and I, I would be contacting supernanny

TheLadyEvenstar · 20/04/2010 16:16

Mitchy thats the amazing thing DS2 is the total opposite of DS1 even when he was the same age.

MitchyInge · 20/04/2010 16:17

(am not actually all that keen on pathologising bad behaviour in children but think you sometimes just know there are serious emotional or mental problems that no amount of Positive Parenting is going to address alone)

TheLadyEvenstar · 20/04/2010 16:20

Mitchy, this is why until about a yr ago I have been dead set against blaming his behaviour on ODD - oppositional defiance disorder - no he doesnt have a disorder he is just bloody naughty.

TheLadyEvenstar · 20/04/2010 16:20

ooppss sent that too soon.

But now I am open to the fact that maybe he does have ODD.

SwissCheeseIsHolyCheesus · 20/04/2010 16:25

It's the way she switches that concerns me, fine and sunny one minute, a heaving mass of anger the next.

And yes I know her Autism probably contributes to her behaviour but I am not a sodding saint !

OTTMummA · 20/04/2010 16:48

maybe you should ask him if he wants to leave the family?
ask him if he wants you to phone SS and then he can go live with another family if he wants to.

this sounds harsh, but seriously you may have to think about this if he's going to get worse, and maybe it might shock him if you take him to SS or they come round and you start talking about other options for where he can live if he hates you so much.

Alambil · 20/04/2010 17:00

if he has ODD, surely he'd be the same with everyone; school rules, DP etc? It's the fact that it's when he "claps eyes on you" that he changes that's getting me... he sees you as weaker than the school/his stepdad for some reason

What do they do that you don't? why can they stop him/prevent melt down and you struggle with him?

be brutally honest - are you doing EXACTLY the same? same tone of voice etc? or do you think "it won't work, so what's the point" and do it half-heartedly because you expect him to kick off anyway (which is understandable)?

EricNorthmansmistress · 20/04/2010 17:41

Don't say you will phone SS and he can go and live with another family - it's not true. You can't just 'put a child in care'.

LEM it sounds extremely wearing. It sounds like he does have a behavioural/attachment disorder of some kind. His behaviour is extreme and you don't sound like an ineffective parent so it's more than bad behaviour.

I really hope CAMHS can help. I'm not a big fan of medicating children unless it's really necessary, perhaps that's a route they might suggest alongside some family work or play/art therapy. I really hope so for all your sakes.

TheLadyEvenstar · 20/04/2010 18:35

Lewis he is not like it with others because they don't enforce the rules that i do. If i say no I stick to it.

Sorry for delay in replying but I have had my mum here.

An example is my mum will always say in front of me "No he is not going to have/do ABC" and then when he goes home with her he does not only ABC but XYZ as well.

DP will say "you are coming fishing with me and not fishing" then take him and he fishes.

When in the last summer holidays I stopped him going to the cinema DP took him to see the exact film I had banned him from because of his behaviour.

School has never really been a problem, the most he does is talk in class.

TheLadyEvenstar · 20/04/2010 18:40

Eric,

it is quite wearing tbh. I am not a fan of medicating either.
But right now I feel I am fighting a losing battle.

My mum has walked out of my flat tonight because he has caused hassle, I ended up shouting at him, he raised his hand to me and I slapped his arm down. But because this happened in the other room to my mum he came running to the living room playing the little victim.

I have fucking had it nothing I do is good enough for him, nothing i suggest is good enough, I say we are going out - no its not good enough, i say ok stay behind i will go without you - no its not fair.

it is driving me mad, my blood pressure is up again and all i want to do is fucking scream.

OTTMummA · 20/04/2010 19:35

you can actually put a child into care if you feel you can no longer cope with their behaviour it happens all the time, and it happend to me eric.

i had a much better relationship with family after i was put into care, it was really the best thing for my mum to do, and she should of done it well before she did.

EricNorthmansmistress · 20/04/2010 22:19

OTMumma
the local authority has to agree that the child would be best off in care. They will try to resolve the issues before agreeing to accommodate a child and will do everything in their power to avoid it.

Believe me, however things may have been when you were a child, you cannot just put your child in care. I used to work in exactly that area - in a crisis team to prevent children coming in to care. We had referrals all the time with parents requesting accommodation - it almost never happened. Suggesting the OP offers that option to her son is an empty threat/offer, and even if he could go into care, it would be highly unlikely to be good for him.

Alambil · 20/04/2010 23:45

I see - so he hates you because you DO stick to the rules/what you say... that makes more sense

I hope you didn't think I was having a go - I really wasn't; just didn't understand... I got it back to front (ie, he kicks off because you enforce, rather than fall down when confronted) - I'm sorry

JosieZ · 21/04/2010 07:19

You could try reading books on codependency. The wives/mothers of alcoholics can become codependents in their attemtps to cure the problem. Loving detachment, or something like that, is the advised behaviour.

He seems determined to goad you at every opportunity. So could you avoid him - get granny to stay in so you and ds2 can clear off out every afternoon (when ds1 comes home). Can you have weekends away as he is ok with dp and granny. You can't send him away so take yourself off instead.

Blank him. Ignore him, no more negotiating will he won't he come with you, just leave him home. If he destroys things you have more chance of getting help from social services. This is between you and him so no point trying to get granny, dp to discipline him.

You can't change another person you can only change yourself -- true ime. So you have to change.

If he is like this at 11 he could be horrendous at 15.

(thie idea of suggesting you stay away from him was so that he would have to admit to himself, eventually that he misses you - though he would probably appear happier that you were not around him so much initially)

PS I assume you have had advice from child psychologists or similar.

TheLadyEvenstar · 21/04/2010 07:58

Yes I have had advice from psychologists who in turn referred us to CAMHS

OTTMummA · 21/04/2010 08:50

thats funny eric because my mum just put me in the car with a black sack of clothes and dropped me off outside SS building and we never had a meeting about how we can get along together at home with support
I was taken to a home the same day and didn't speak to my mum for a year after that.

im pretty sure if you drop them off at the door like that and bugger off they would place the child.

although this was a while ago, so things may of changed?
But trust me this has happened to not only me but a lot of other children.

and sorry but it sometimes is the best thing to do not only for the child in question but for the rest of the family aswell.
they are just as important.

maryz · 21/04/2010 09:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MitchyInge · 21/04/2010 09:47

Most of the children looked after by social services have been placed there voluntarily haven't they?

OTTMummA · 21/04/2010 09:59

yes i wasn't placed under a care order, my mum still had parental rights over me, but i just didn't live with her.

OTTMummA · 21/04/2010 10:02

maryz- wouldn't abandoning him at there office door count as some sort of neglect?

I later found out my mum had told the SS team that if i didn't go into care one of us was going to end up dead, we were both onn Anti-Ds, i guess they took her seriously.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread