to not want to go round to in laws twice a week every week

[sunshineandrain10]

I get along with my parent in laws really well, they're nice people but I just dont think its necessary to go round twice a week, EVERY week on set days. I have suggested that we go round just once a week, however DH insists its not enough that DD (8m) only see them once a week.

Its not easy, as everytime we have to go I have to pack/unpack DD food bag, change bag, toy bag etc. On one of the days that we go there, DH goes to work so its just DD, MIL and I at home the whole day (thats from 8am until 6.30pm) and there isnt much to do apart from maybe go outside for a little walk. FIL is at work and MIL doesnt even get to spend much time with DD (maybe a couple of hours) on that day as she has housework and cooking to do and also do a school run for DD's cousins and then look after them after school. DH has said to me to join a baby group in that area so both DD and I dont get too bored, but I'd rather go my regular baby group or join a new one in my area that runs on that day, if DD and I are going to make new friends I'd rather they live in our local area, IYSWIM?

Another thing is DD will only sleep properly in her cot and she needs lots of sleep (two 1 1/2 naps during the day and 11-12 hours at night, which btw Im very grateful for) otherwise she gets very grouchy, and she will not sleep for very long elsewhere, maybe an hour at most. So I have to deal with her grouchiness all by myself with no DH to help.

When we put DD to sleep there at 7pm, we leave to come home at around 9sh and this disturbs her as we have to move her into car seat, get her out, put her in cot at home, she usally settles well back to sleep but I dont like disturbing her sleep, I know I wouldnt like it someone moved me around whilst I was sleeping!

I also go round to my parents, but thats whenever I want rather than a set day/time, sometimes its once a week or sometimes its twice but DH usually only comes for a couple of hours after work.

So am I being unreasonable? I have tried to comprimise before by offering to go once one week and twice the week after but seems like theres no compromising with DH as PIL's seem to get really upset when we dont go round. I have also suggested that they could come round (they've only been round ours about twice since DD was born) as it would be easier, no moving DD and her stuff around, but that hasnt worked either.

Thanks for reading and sorry its so long, my first post so wasnt really sure how best to word it

YANBU!

That is just weird!

Your PIL definately need to come and see YOU more, and not for the whole day.

I would just hate such a forced arrangement.

YANBU

why on earth anyone with a small baby would want to spend entire days at someone else house is beyond me.

So, have I got this right? Your DH is insisting that you go round to his parents twice a week, one of which visits he's not even there for???
And you have to stay there from 8am til 9pm?

You and he Need. To. Talk.
No WAY would I be doing this.
YANBU!!!

YANBU AT ALL! You need to sort this out. If he wants DD to spend time with his parents, he has a bigger role to play. He's totally out of order.

I can understand visiting once a week with your partner, but no way would I be spending another whole day there while he's working.

No way I'd be doing that, YANBU.

YANBU

Why do you have to go there all day? Id start reducing the hours pronto

Well if it was me it wouldnt be happening but its crazy

Only one of the reasons why I live nowhere near Parents or In-laws

Regular visiting days - ewwwww no no no never!!

Oh good lord.

Just tell MIL you are not going on whichever day your dh isn't there. You don't have to negotiate it with your husband, he does not get to tell you how to spend your time when he's at work!

Maybe she will be upset but she'll get used to it. You can say you have something else on.

YANBU. Why is once a week 'not enough' if your FIL isn't even there and your MIL has other stuff to do? What's the point of you being there if he's then suggesting you join a baby group so you wouldn't even be at their house for hours, just in their neighbourhood?

What exactly is he hoping you all get out of this arrangement?

Why do you have to go all day?

Can't you just go round there for an hour or so twice a week?

oh jesus ,i would rather eat my own face than spend 2 ENTIRE DAYS at ils?!!!! wtf?!!

that is sooo weird.do you live close by?

why can't they just come and visit you for an hour or so like normal people?!!

would NOT do this under any circumstances..put your foot down girl!

If you're expected to spend a lot of time at your ILs, and at set times too, then they should have a supply of baby kit ready for you. My parents bought a cot and changing table for their house, and I left a stock of nappies, wipes, feeding equipement, babyfood, spare clothes etc there, which I replensihed as needed. They also provided a supply of toys.

If your MIL expects you to be there so that she can spend time with her dgd, then she should dedicate some time to her. Which begs the question - does she relaly want you to spend the day there? I don't mean it nastily, but it could be that she's going along with her ds so as not to upset him, while secrtetly agreeing withyou.

MInd you, even my mum, with all her baby supplies used to find it hard to put time aside for the dgc. She's far more likely to dedicate time to them these days, now that we are too far away to visit regularly.

As for disturbing the baby. Don't worry about it. She will get used to it and being able to resettle after being shifted about is a good skill to have. When we lived near my parents, we used sometimes to put the LOs to sleep at my parents, stay as late as we liked , or even go out ourselves, and then transfer them to buggies for the walk home. Didn't harm them or their sleep, and allowed us more outings.

Totally agree with the others, why can't you go round for a few hours in the morning or afternoon.

I also cannot believe you put your DD to bed at their house at 7pm only to lift her and resettle her in her own bed 2 hours later.

Why can't your ILs come round to your house for a few hours as well?

YANBU

When i first read the title, i though whats wrong with a couple of hours twice a week at the In laws.....then i realised it was all day! That is totally out of order.

Your OH and MIL are being unreasonable, especially as she doesn't actually spend much time with your DD, as she is doing Housework etc, whats the point! you can mooch around at home with just your dd for company.

I would cut the hours straight away!

I was already to stand up for PIL -until I read it. Don't do it! Two whole days a week is madness. Get out of the habit now. Tell DH that you need to be much more flexible and that you 'don't do routine'. Actually I would cut him out-just come to arrangement with PIL. Organise it yourself and tell them you will phone, vary the days and only stay a short time-for a cup of tea, coffe etc. Once in a while have a longer time but suggest going out. You may well find that MIL will be relieved, she probably finds it all a bit much but is too polite to say so! As DH isn't there I don't think he needs to come into it. I would make sure that you organise all your time when DH isn't there to suit yourself.

sorry all ready

Urgh, I sympathise. I spent long days with my mum when DD was tiny because she needed help (just come out of huge stint in hospital and dad left her) and it was so difficult getting DD used to chopping and changing everything.

My DD is now9 1/2 months so a little older than yours but I would still hate to spend that much time anywhere especially if I didnt feel comfortable.

Just tell your DH that you are not doing this--while he's at work you want to spend time withb your daughter in your own home and with other mums with similar aged babies near home.
If he wants to visit them you can all go when he's off work or they can come round. He'll just have to deal with that as will they.
We try to see DHs parents at least once a week but that doesnt always work out, but MILs understanding. She sees her grandson (our nephew) much more often because SIL has always relied on her to take him overnight and at weekends as she was a young mum and for the most part a single parent. But MIL understands that her relationship with DD is different and I think she prefers it!

Good luck!

Why do you stay so long? Does dh drop you there and pik you up again later?

Are you allowed to decide what you do on your other days, or does he prescribe this too?

When did your DH last spend such quality time (without you) with your mother? I am guessing never.

Until he does, tell him that your MIL can visit you, so your baby can sleep in her cot, once a week at most.

YANBU and can't see why you don't just refuse.

tbh I couldn't even spend that amount of time with a friend or my own parents.

Are you relying on DH for a lift? Do ILs not have a car, so they can't come and see you?

YANBU. It's up to you how you spend your week, especially with small baby in tow. And it sounds to me like your MIL would prefer it to be less frequent as well. She already has her hands full. Can't imagine what your DH is thinking of.

What TheCrackFox said.

If I were you I would put my foot down and say that once a week is enough, the one visit that he comes with you.

8am til 6.30pm??? good grief!!!

you have got to nip this in the bud. this is terrible. very terrible.

what's the thing about your dh wanting you to join a baby group near his mum's??!!

i'm just quite frankly appalled.

fwiw dh takes our two to see his parents every other week for a couple of hours so i get a rest. there is no way in hell i'd go on my own with the kids and certainly not for such a hideous length of time.

Thank you all for your replies, I knew I wasnt being unreasonable!

I cant really go for a just a few hours as I dont drive and its too long by public transport (I like to always plan everything around DD's nap times, feed times). They live about a 20mins drive away but about 1 1/2 by public transport.

I will have a word with DH and also show him this thread so he understands its not just me! Sometimes he thinks its becuase I dont like PIL's but that certainly isnt the case, thats just what he says whenever I bring it up. Its really becoming an issue now which is I posted on here.

Its also a culture thing, where we come from, its very normal to spend lots of time with family but the way I see it, its not necessary and just not very practical, esp with a young baby.