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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want to go round to in laws twice a week every week

52 replies

sunshineandrain10 · 19/04/2010 17:16

I get along with my parent in laws really well, they're nice people but I just dont think its necessary to go round twice a week, EVERY week on set days. I have suggested that we go round just once a week, however DH insists its not enough that DD (8m) only see them once a week.

Its not easy, as everytime we have to go I have to pack/unpack DD food bag, change bag, toy bag etc. On one of the days that we go there, DH goes to work so its just DD, MIL and I at home the whole day (thats from 8am until 6.30pm) and there isnt much to do apart from maybe go outside for a little walk. FIL is at work and MIL doesnt even get to spend much time with DD (maybe a couple of hours) on that day as she has housework and cooking to do and also do a school run for DD's cousins and then look after them after school. DH has said to me to join a baby group in that area so both DD and I dont get too bored, but I'd rather go my regular baby group or join a new one in my area that runs on that day, if DD and I are going to make new friends I'd rather they live in our local area, IYSWIM?

Another thing is DD will only sleep properly in her cot and she needs lots of sleep (two 1 1/2 naps during the day and 11-12 hours at night, which btw Im very grateful for) otherwise she gets very grouchy, and she will not sleep for very long elsewhere, maybe an hour at most. So I have to deal with her grouchiness all by myself with no DH to help.

When we put DD to sleep there at 7pm, we leave to come home at around 9sh and this disturbs her as we have to move her into car seat, get her out, put her in cot at home, she usally settles well back to sleep but I dont like disturbing her sleep, I know I wouldnt like it someone moved me around whilst I was sleeping!

I also go round to my parents, but thats whenever I want rather than a set day/time, sometimes its once a week or sometimes its twice but DH usually only comes for a couple of hours after work.

So am I being unreasonable? I have tried to comprimise before by offering to go once one week and twice the week after but seems like theres no compromising with DH as PIL's seem to get really upset when we dont go round. I have also suggested that they could come round (they've only been round ours about twice since DD was born) as it would be easier, no moving DD and her stuff around, but that hasnt worked either.

Thanks for reading and sorry its so long, my first post so wasnt really sure how best to word it

OP posts:

Oldsilver · 19/04/2010 18:04

Oooh I feel your pain! Yes I agree YANBU - you do need to nip this in the bud soonish or four years down the line you will be in my position that any family time would involve PIL, DS and DP and not DP, DS and yourself!!!

lovechoc · 19/04/2010 18:08

I would just say to your DH that your DD comes first and it's not fair to disturb her sleep - why on earth do you need to visit on set days?

I see MIL around once or twice a week but the terms are flexible. Nothing rigid!!

YANBU - get it nipped in the bud now!

LEMneedsaholiday · 19/04/2010 18:10

I am willing to bet that if you spoke to your MIL she would probably breathe a huge sigh of relief as i would hate having someone in my house all day with a child if i were trying to get on with housework - she is probably too polite to say anythinbg

MrsWobbleTheWaitress · 19/04/2010 18:15

It's none of his bloody business what you spend your days doing, FFS! I'd be absolutely livid if my husband told me what to do while he's at work.

I think you and your DH need to have some serious discussions if you are to have a happy marriage in the future - he sounds very controlling.

And whole days?????? Madness! Just say 'sorry, I've made plans to meet up with friends/go to the library/paint my toenails this week' and do that more and more often. The longer you let this habit go on, the harder it'll be to break it.

Horton · 19/04/2010 18:19

I would also be livid if my DH was telling me what I could and couldn't do when he wasn't even there. It is also totally unacceptable for the person with the young baby to be doing all the travelling - surely if your MIL is fit and healthy enough to be picking up other GC from school and looking after them she can do the journey to you now and again rather than always making you do it?

As your baby gets older it will be great for your DD to have time with her grandparents, but you don't need to do it at set times and you don't need to always do it at their house. It's just unfair on you.

Good luck. Hope your DH can find it in him to see your point of view.

azazello · 19/04/2010 18:26

YAabsolutelyNBU and the whole arrangement sounds as though it is DH getting carried away with something (being fair to both sets of gps maybe?) and not being prepared to negotiate.

At the very least if they want to see you your ILs should be prepared to run you around a little bit (3 hours travel each visit with an 8mo - good grief!) and actually have some baby equipment in their house so you don't have to bring anything except you and the baby.

Also, I don't know if you're going back to work or anything but as your baby gets older this sort of arrangement is going to be harder and harder to keep up so best to discuss it sooner rather than later.

You really need to talk to your DH about this.

AmazingBouncingFerret · 19/04/2010 18:34

Bloody hell. It's a bit excessive isnt it??
You've had some good advice already. I agree with the posters that said you really need to talk to your DH it's not fair that he gets to decide what you do with your day when he's at work.

PandaEis · 19/04/2010 18:54

we have a similar problem

my DH likes to see or speak to his mum and dad (and nan) at least once a day! often he will see his mum and also ring her a few hours after we have returned home i have had ALOT of conversations about it with him to no avail

the problem is, we often need them to help out with childcare but DH thinks that as they are minding DD a few times a week some weeks, we should then spend every evening in either his parents house or his nans house. we would be getting to PIL/GMIL house at around 5:30 and then sitting there watching tv and drinking tea until at least 7:30- 8pm every night!!

my DH sees no problem in spending the majority of his time in other peoples houses and even goes so far as when i am in work on the weekend (every 3rd sunday) he will go to his mums and stay there all day even if they are out i dont get it!! i visit my parents once a week and sometimes call my mum during the week but mostly it is a weekly visit at the weekend.

i like to get home from work at a reasonable time and relax. not sit in someones house out of courtesy every friggin night!! it makes me feel as if DH just doesnt want to spend much time alone with me and DD!

i feel your pain OP i really do!!

2rebecca · 19/04/2010 19:04

YANBU. You are an adult, it's up to you how you spend your day. I would nip this firmly in the bud and refuse to visit anyone I didn't want to and clarify to your DH that you are a person in your own right not just his child's mother there to entertain his parents. Just say no. He can go round there with the sprog when he's not working if he wishes. he doesn't get to tell you what you do with your time like some servant girl.

JackBauer · 19/04/2010 19:04

YAdefNBU.

I agree with all the others that if you are on your own with the baby then you decide what you do. You can't keep that up indefinately, what if you want to do swimming classes, go to library sessions, baby groups etc. when she is turning 1? Really weird.
If IL's can't come to you then I think one day a week is a fair thing. My mum and IL's both live a long drive away, my mum sees them 5 or 6 times a year and same for IL's so your DH's parents are lucky to live close enough to see them once a week imo.

2rebecca · 19/04/2010 19:07

I also think relatives should have their own lives and wouldn't want parents and inlaws reliant on me and my kids to entertain them regularly.
You all need to get a life.

choufleur · 19/04/2010 19:13

YANBU. couldn't they come to you sometimes? I can't remember the last time i spent any time on my own with DS with ILs.

2rebecca · 19/04/2010 19:19

I never did. They weren't my relatives, mind you all the relatives lived some distance away and I don't visit my lot regularly. I would never let my husband tell me what to do with my time though. He'd know better than to even try.
I'd insist in living your life your way. Living a proxy life through your kids and under your husband and inlaws' thumbs is rubbish.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 19/04/2010 19:25

As you don't drive, could you make your own way in the afternoon and DH pick you up after work? This way you'd choose the duration and not be forced to stay longer. Slowly make other arrangements with the PIL directly and just let your DH know. Invite them to come over more, especially if they have a car. Maybe offer one week that you go to them once and they come to you. If they want to come, then great and if not, don't worry. Definitely invite them in the afternoon too and head out in the morning just in case they arrive early and want to stay all day!!

I think you have to be firm and just say you're busy - and tell DH it's none of his business if he's at work.

2rebecca · 19/04/2010 21:25

What is your cultural background?
The way you seemed to accept your husband telling you what to do and the way you spend all day with your inlaws made me wonder if you were from an Indian or Pakistan background where deferring to your husband and inlaws is more common than it is here where women tend to be stroppier and more inclined to tell their husbands where to go. If this isn't the case is he much older than you or just a much more confident person.

If you are from an Asian background then the telling your husband where to stuff his ideas of how you organise your time may be less appropriate, particularly if your family and friends also tend to go along with the wishes of husbands and inlaws and you may have to take things more gradually. Perhaps you can develop a cookery hobby that means you have to spend more time in your own kitchen.

Also if your MIL is busy does she want you round her house 2 days a week? If my son marries and has kids I'd find it a pain if his wife and baby pitched up at my house for the day twice a week. Fine in the short term if she doesn't know anyone but longer term I'd expect her to be socialising with people her own age and in her own locality. I'd also expect her to have her own stuff to get on with in her house in the same way that your MIL gets on with her washing and housework.

Pozzled · 19/04/2010 21:49

YADefNBU. You just need to find a way to sort the problem. You say that you have a regular baby group near to you- can you tell your MIL that you won't be coming on x day next week because some of the mums from baby group are getting together to do x? (Or there's a new group you want to check out/ baby event at the library or whatever makes a good excuse) Don't make a big deal of it, just say it casually towards the end of a visit. Then go as arranged the next week, but have something come up again the week after and so on- ease off gradually.

I would also suggest leaving a few basic supplies at their house- nappies, wipes, some food and a few toys etc so that you don't have to cart everything around- that would make it easier for you to use public transport, and go over later in the day rather than with your DH.

Another idea is to find a reason for your PIL to come to you- find an event or a place to visit locally- 'I would like to take DD to see x and I wondered if you'd like to come with me next Friday instead of me coming to you?' Your MIL might like a change of scene, and if she has to get back for the school run the day won't be too long.

LionsAreScary · 19/04/2010 22:59

YANBU. My first reaction was the same as many other posters - shock that you have accepted this situation until now.

On reflection, I think 2rebecca made 2 good points:

your cultural background might affect the way you choose to handle this, and
talk to your MIL since she may prefer a different arrangement herself.

good luck, I'd be interested to hear how it goes for you...

JosieZ · 20/04/2010 08:08

What about OH and FIL stay at home with baby and you and MIL have a girl's afternoon out once a month or something.

It sounds like you both need a break from housework, domineering OHs and children.

Original poster

sunshineandrain10 · 20/04/2010 08:57

I spoke to OH last night and he has agreed to go round just once a week from now. This is partly due to a buggy walk in the park group I'll be joining from this week on that day (only just received email about it last night) and all my other days are filled with other activities so I have no more free days that DH can suggest to go round! Just need to let IL's know now... DH can do that.

Thank u all, reading your replies just confirmed what was happening was not right, I just needed someone else to say it.

OP posts:

2rebecca · 20/04/2010 13:09

I still think he has a cheek telling you what to do with your life. I presume he didn't tell you how to spend your time before you had a child, so find it odd you both consider it OK after you have a child. It's still your life, you just have a child in it now.

chitchat07 · 20/04/2010 13:41

Well done OP.

Even for a once a week visit, if you are having go by public transport your PILs should have some babygear at their house so that you don't have to pack everything for a full day for them.

giveitago · 20/04/2010 13:58

YANBU - this is two whole days per week and one of them without your dh.

TakeLovingChances · 20/04/2010 14:12

mayorquimby · 20/04/2010 14:15

yanbu. funny to see the juxtaposition of this thread with the thread where the husband didn't want his in-laws staying over twice a week and he was considered unreasonable and selfish.
FWIW I don't think many people could take being forced to see thei in-laws on that sort of schedule

Downdog · 20/04/2010 14:19

YANBU - I love it when DD goes to visit MIL without me. I like her very much but it's boring over there, with nothing much for me to do, so I'm not spending all my Sundays there. So now OH takes DD & I get some ME time - win-win situation.

Once your daughter is a little older you can send your OH off with her for the day.

As for him demanding you go and he's at work etc - what in the world? That is dreadful - poor you. I'd do the one day with him, working towards him going without you & you doing something of your choice. And cancel that 2nd day PDQ. Surely they can come & visit you too if they want to.

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