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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

wedding gift when not going to the wedding

60 replies

stoppingat3 · 17/04/2010 19:56

Little bit of background. Groom is a former work colleague of DH and a good friend of his but lives at the other end of the country so more, phone chat every month or so rather than close family friend.
Bride we've both met once.
They are getting married on the same day as family member. We have obviously had to go with the family one.
Huge apologies to his friend etc etc. DH says that the friend is not happy that we can't go. (We did let him know a year ago we couldn't make it)
He's now had an email with the wedding list (no formal invite as they know we can't make it) His friend has said to dh that as we're not going we should be sending a bigger gift. (I think this is a joke but who knows!)
Now we would have sent something up wishing them a lovely day and probably still will but am I alone in thinking that to send a wedding list when they know you can't go is a bit off?

OP posts:

MPuppykin · 17/04/2010 19:58

I would SO not be getting them a gift.

Perhaps a card and some flowers delivered the day before.

And that would be quite gracious in the circumstances.

Igglybuff · 17/04/2010 19:58

Surely the friend is joking?! Are you sure that DH didn't offer to buy a gift (I've done this when I can't go to a wedding of a good friend)?

MPuppykin · 17/04/2010 19:59

Although, if the bigger gift thing was a joke, and they are good friends, maybe I am being too hasty (backtracks)

thisisyesterday · 17/04/2010 20:00

it IS a bit weird i suppose, but then maybe if dh had talked about buying a present?
i would want to send a present, even if i couldn't make it to the wedding tbh, so would have appreciated having the list

Original poster

stoppingat3 · 17/04/2010 20:03

mmm good point I will go and interogate ask DH further to see if he mentioned the present.
Its a John Lewis list and normally I would have sent something a bit more personal, like a vintage box of sweets or something.
Thank you

OP posts:

benotafraid · 17/04/2010 20:06

I don't understand how people expect presents when they get married???

We were dirt poor when we married but didn't ask for or expect anything from anyone, anything we got was a proper gift and not given to us only because we demanded it.

NoahAndTheWhale · 17/04/2010 20:06

If I wasn't able to go to a wedding I probably wouldn't send a present, unless it was someone I knew really well and was very close to.

ifancyashandy · 17/04/2010 20:08

Agree with Pumpkin - I'd send flowers and then go for a walk on the moral highground!

ifancyashandy · 17/04/2010 20:08

Sorry - PUPPYKIN

Mumbothasrunoutofbatteries · 17/04/2010 20:09

What are vintage sweets? Sweets don't get to age in our house as I scoff 'em all...

lovechoc · 17/04/2010 20:22

v presumptious I'd probably just send them a wedding card and perhaps a gift voucher or cheque.

paisleyleaf · 17/04/2010 20:28

It's cheeky and presumptious to send you a list if you've not said you'd like to get them something yet. And it would put me off then getting anything.
I wonder if the list has come from the bride and the groom feels embarrassed about it so made the quip.
(It often seems to be the bride who's more bothered about John Lewis household accessories).

Eglu · 17/04/2010 20:31

I would not send anything with that attitude. Gifts should never be expected anyone. Hoped for maybe but not expected. Very rude imo, even if a joke.

Pancakeflipper · 17/04/2010 20:35

Vintage sweet??? What like Peardrops? You'd send peardrops to a wedding?

I think I'd love you for that but I think this couple are expecting some Wedgewood.

WingedVictory · 17/04/2010 20:39

When we got married, we were quite embarassed that my parents' friends kept asking for the wedding list even though they couldn't come. I decided they were only being polite, and ignored the requests (which only came through my parents, in any case)!

A couple of my mother's friends did get hold of the list through her , and gave us something, so I wrote thank-yous, but still wonder whether it was my mother pushing or not. It was a bit awkward, as I hadn't invited them anyway; these would have been my parents' friends.

The bride and groom should decently hold back. Apart from anything else, they are more likely to get a little something from absent invitees if they don't beg.... no?

chandellina · 17/04/2010 20:40

YABU. get a (small) gift.

Bumperliouzzzzzz · 17/04/2010 20:53

I think your friends are being a bit presumptive, though I would check with DH.

Just out of interest though, how is a box of vintage sweets more personal than something off their chosen list? Just wondering? Still don't think you should said anything!

displayuntilbestbefore · 17/04/2010 20:55

You shouldn't have been sent a wedding list as that's plain rude but it is proper etiquette to send a gift if you've been invited but can't attend - but not a bigger gift to make up for not attending!
Send a nice gift, forget about the e-mail and enjoy the wedding you are going to go to.

FannyFoghorn · 17/04/2010 21:16

Tell us about the vintage sweets!

Original poster

stoppingat3 · 17/04/2010 21:37

Vintage sweets are yummy, Our children got some for Christmas - old fashioned sweets like flying saucers, dip dabs, pear drops, etc etc
They came in a box with tissue and it was like being a child again and unwrapping them (we loved them more than the children )
I was thinking of sending these with a note saying how sorry we were to have missed their day and that we hoped to see pictures soon.
I don't know if this is more personal to them, perhaps they would prefer two coffee cups to add to their collection but it is something personally chosen by us - hey ho!
It may well be that DH did mention the present - I will check that could be like him but I think the comment about the bigger present is likely to be slightly serious whilst in jest iyswim as I think he is pee'd off we aren't going.

OP posts:

pigletmania · 17/04/2010 21:54

They do sound very cheeky and presumptious, get them a small gift of your choosing. Why do people see weddings as an entitlement to big and expensive presents, its like begging.

RunawayWife · 17/04/2010 21:55

It seems a bit of a grabby thing to do.
Send a lovely card and leave it at that

ChippingIn · 18/04/2010 01:24

I can't believe he is pee'd off that you aren't able to go (it's not like you are just not making the effort to go) (Your DH did tell him why you couldn't go didn't he???) and a year ago at that.

I think it is incredibly rude to send a 'Wedding Gift List' to anyone, let alone someone who can't attend the wedding. Rude beyond words.

I would talk to DH and unless he asked his mate to send it, I would ignore it - get DH to send them a card. End of.

sunnydelight · 18/04/2010 02:36

As he knows you can't go I think sending a list is totally out of order (unless of course your DH asked for it).

Do people send telegrams to be read out at weddings anymore? (I know I'm really showing my age here!). If so I think that would be a nice way to show you're thinking of them on the day but after being rude/greedy enough to send a list I wouldn't send a present on principle.

traceybath · 18/04/2010 06:52

Well the proper etiquette is indeed to send a gift if you're invited and can't make the wedding. Which is sort of the case here.

Personally we were invited to a wedding last year that we couldn't make as I'd literally just had dc3 and I bought the same gift from the wedding list that I'd have bought if we'd gone.

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