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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

wedding gift when not going to the wedding

60 replies

stoppingat3 · 17/04/2010 19:56

Little bit of background. Groom is a former work colleague of DH and a good friend of his but lives at the other end of the country so more, phone chat every month or so rather than close family friend.
Bride we've both met once.
They are getting married on the same day as family member. We have obviously had to go with the family one.
Huge apologies to his friend etc etc. DH says that the friend is not happy that we can't go. (We did let him know a year ago we couldn't make it)
He's now had an email with the wedding list (no formal invite as they know we can't make it) His friend has said to dh that as we're not going we should be sending a bigger gift. (I think this is a joke but who knows!)
Now we would have sent something up wishing them a lovely day and probably still will but am I alone in thinking that to send a wedding list when they know you can't go is a bit off?

OP posts:

porcamiseria · 18/04/2010 09:36

nothing, nada, no gift!

AmandaCooper · 18/04/2010 10:12

I know who my friends are and I don't find it difficult to work out who I want to buy presents for and who I don't. I don't have to ask people on the internet. I suspect you don't want to send a gift and you're just looking for validation. Fine, don't send one.

pigletmania · 18/04/2010 10:19

Yes traceybath but the couple should not be telling the op what to buy it is incredibly rude and presumptious, the op said that they could not go a year in advance so they should have invited someone else that could go,its not like they were sent invite and something came up like that. The gift list should also have been sent on the ops request not put in the post like that on its own . It should be up to the op and her dh to decide what to do. The gift list should also be a guide of what the couple want, there should be an option of buying a gift of your choosing.

pigletmania · 18/04/2010 10:22

Just rude and grabby on so many levels. The couple knew well in advance that the op could not go before invites were being sent out so could have invited someone else instead. They had he audacity though to send a gift list like that no invite Reminds me of a post on here where as poster was given an invite with a bank account number on it to put money in

pigletmania · 18/04/2010 10:24

"Huge apologies to his friend etc etc. DH says that the friend is not happy that we can't go. (We did let him know a year ago we couldn't make it)
He's now had an email with the wedding list (no formal invite as they know we can't make it) His friend has said to dh that as we're not going we should be sending a bigger gift. (I think this is a joke but who knows!)"

Do you think this is right, its so rude of the couple to go begging like that, i would not get anything for them on principle as they had the audacity to ask for a big present, how old are they 6!!!

StrictlyKatty · 18/04/2010 10:31

Please God he was joking, or he is seriously rude!

MIL just bought a really lavish present for her cousins daughter's 2nd Wedding! She can't go and I was a bit and spending so much on present when they can't go and it's a 2nd wedding of 2 forty+ people who must have everything they need...

Oh and they were only invited to the repection in the first place!

tatt · 18/04/2010 10:34

if a good friend of mine was getting married and I couldn't make their wedding I would send them a gift. I'm amazed other people don't feel the same way. However maybe this is an acquaintance not a real friend?

List shouldn't be sent unless asked for but I would have asked about it, so maybe your OH has?

Obviously you'd rather not buy a present but if it's your OH's friend it's for him to say. Comment about a bigger present is the sort of thing some good friends say to each other, not to be taken seriously.

pigletmania · 18/04/2010 10:58

Well tatt not necessarily a joke, imo some people can be quite serious about it and they dont know what they are doing is rude. Yes of course if its a good friend I would automatically send a nice gift or get something off the gift list, thats what I did for an old school friend whose wedding we could not go to, but to ask very rude and lack of manners imo. If it is a joke there might be a real meaning behind it.

traceybath · 18/04/2010 11:12

Piglet - agreed the groom in this case has been rude - but if a friend got married and I couldn't make it - I would buy a gift.

2rebecca · 18/04/2010 11:42

If a good friend then I'd buy a present even if I couldn't go. The present is to congratulate them on getting married, not some sort of part exchange for them inviting you. I've bought wedding gifts for work colleagues when I've not been invited to the wedding. It's a nice thing to do if you care for someone.
I agree sending a gift list if you've said you aren't going is odd.
If it's a close friend of husband I'd leave it up to him whether he buys a gift or not. I probably would under those circumstances.

GeekOfTheWeek · 18/04/2010 13:57

What 2rebecca said.

alicet · 18/04/2010 14:03

Yep I agree with 2rebecca 100% too

paulaplumpbottom · 18/04/2010 14:04

My Dh's cousin sent us an invitation even though she knows we can't make it to the wedding. I think this is so she can get a gift.

MrsC2010 · 18/04/2010 14:14

Haha, one friend was invited to a wedding and had to decline as she worked abroad. She still got sent the gift list, but being abroad and very busy she forgot about it until a few weeks before...when an email hit her inbox along the lines of "to those who have already purchased from our list, many thanks; to those who have not done so yet here are the log-in details, we would appreciate it if all gifts were confirmed before our return from honeymoon on XYZ date so that we can arrange to sell those items the gifts are replacing before the new ones arrive." She just couldn't believe it! These were no small items on the list when she looked, plasma tv, leather beanbag etc etc...amazing the gall of some people.

To add insult to injury the wedding didn't serve food and all guests were told to bring whatever alcohol they wanted to drink plus a bottle 'for the pot' kind of thing. It was in a fort or something without a bar.

paulaplumpbottom · 18/04/2010 14:19

Thats so tacky!

We were going to buy her a gift anyway by the way.

MPuppykin · 18/04/2010 15:00

Sorry, not really a hijack just a musing... re paulaplumpbottom's suggestion that they got an invitation to a wedding where the person knew they could not go... and saying it was clearly for a gift. I am really confused about all that. DH's 'best friend' as soon as we anounced our wedding said that they could not go, because they would be overseas. Fine. Then i telephoned and left a message on their machine asking for their new address saying we would like to send them an invitation anyway, got a message on MY machine (from the wife) saying not to bother as they could not come, so I did not send an invitation. Then DH got a bollocking from his mate saying they were so disappointed they did not even get a formal invitation as it meant they could not formally decline. He was so nasty about it that I actually pretended that i had sent it and it must have got lost in the mail (which I was not happy about afterwards, but i was kind of caught by surprise by the nastiness of it), and they have not really spoken to us since..... 4 years later DH keeps suggesting that this mate should be the godfather of our soon-to-be baby, and I just keep biting my tongue. They do not even know we are pg. So, now I am thinking... if we HAD sent them an invitation would they have just thought we were scrounging for presents? One of those lose-lose situations really. Sorry end of hijack. But that whole situation has kind of bothered me for a while now.

MPuppykin · 18/04/2010 15:01

Oh, an at MrsC2010's post.

emsyj · 18/04/2010 15:02

As a rule, I would send a gift even if I didn't go to the wedding - but sending a gift list to a guest who isn't even coming is beyond rude!!!

But I would probably send a gift anyway cos I wouldn't want to offend.

BAFE · 18/04/2010 15:05

Of course you should always send a gift if you're invited to a wedding whether you can go or not is irrelevant.

You get invited to weddings because the bride and groom want you to share in the special day - do some of you honestly believe that you get invited to weddings in the hope that you won't come but will still send a present - blimey, if that's some peoples attitude perhaps if better if they just don't come anyway.

To the OP - let your DH deal with it.

But sweets are not a suitable gift for a wedding present, sorry, vintage or not.

MrsC2010 · 18/04/2010 15:09

I sent the same friend in my story a wedding invite knowing that she couldn't come, it felt nice to still send the formal invite etc and I know she was glad she got it.

Didn't tell her gift list details though! That would have felt weird, as I knew she couldn't come. She still found us on John Lewis though, bless her.

Sassybeast · 18/04/2010 15:15

I'd be forgetting to send anything. How ill mannered can people be ?

IDontReallyKnow · 18/04/2010 16:42

Would it make any difference if this was evening invitation only?

tartyhighheels · 18/04/2010 17:00

I always think that wedding lists are a bit grabby anyway - I would send them a telegram because it is nice to have it read out at the reception and they can be kept and a nice john lewis voucher

JazzieJeff · 18/04/2010 18:09

Err no YANBU! At all. A wedding invite isn't just a ticket for an automatic present. They sound really grabby tbh; by all means send a card (or one of the other posters said about a telegram, that sounds nice), but I wouldn't be moving heaven and earth to get a present. I'm not sure about gift lists anyway; I'd just be grateful to recieve anything. Anyway, as most people live together before they get married anyway, aren't wedding gifts a bit outdated? Some friends of ours just asked for an online donation to their favourite charity which I thought was lovely.

pigletmania · 18/04/2010 19:16

MrsC2010 how rude, with that attitude i would be tempted to get nothing just a card, that would really get my back up, how greedy and grabby

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