wedding gift when not going to the wedding

[stoppingat3]

Little bit of background. Groom is a former work colleague of DH and a good friend of his but lives at the other end of the country so more, phone chat every month or so rather than close family friend.
Bride we've both met once.
They are getting married on the same day as family member. We have obviously had to go with the family one.
Huge apologies to his friend etc etc. DH says that the friend is not happy that we can't go. (We did let him know a year ago we couldn't make it)
He's now had an email with the wedding list (no formal invite as they know we can't make it) His friend has said to dh that as we're not going we should be sending a bigger gift. (I think this is a joke but who knows!)
Now we would have sent something up wishing them a lovely day and probably still will but am I alone in thinking that to send a wedding list when they know you can't go is a bit off?

Hello Am back - sorry busy family day,
Thanks for posting, to reiterate to those who were thinking that I was asking whether to send a gift or not - we always were planning on sending something, of our chosing preferably.
The post was more about the list when they knew we couldn't come.
Have spoken to DH who says he is sure he didn't mention the present first(he's a typical male and would leave that to me
Apparently the conversation went along the lines of "I'll email you our list details, we'll want a bigger one as you can't come!" I'm paraphrasing of course and DH has a poor memory! DH is sure that it was a joke but thinks that the groom is quite disapponted that we can't come.
Anyway we'll be the better people send some JL vouchers and enjoy our other wedding.
thanks x

send them an Oxfam goat or something. Wedding gift lists are really naff, especially these days as most couples live together before they get wed. I didn't have one, and it certainly wouldn't have occured to me to ask for a present from anyone, whether they planned to attend or otherwise.

I know! Amazing!! I think she bought them a teaspoon or something similar as a token gesture, certainly sends a message!

Don't send them a goat, that's sending a present to the recipient of the goat and is no sort of present at all to anyone else.

re Mpuppykins why didn't you just tell the bloke that you had left a message asking his wife for the address and the wife had said not to bother sending formal invite? She could have confirmed that to husband and all would be sorted. Lying about lost invites sounds unnecessary when you had a reasonable explanation anyway.
Wedding lists with no cheap items are just rude.
I think the list thing is a bit rude unless someone asks if you have a list, otherwise I think like Christmas you just let folk buy what they like.

why don't you send them a lovely card with a letter in it saying after the wedding and honeymoon you'll be treating them to a meal out so they can thrill/ bore you with photos and details.

I think that the goat suggestion was meant to be a joke imo. Stoppingat3 might be a joke but have a meaning behind it. Look yo have a family wedding to attend they should understand that how selfish! Enjoy the wedding and have a lovely time. Of course I would get a present even though I could not go to a wedding, I have done this in the past. Good on her MrsC to right that will teach em to be so rude, what next a baby shower with a gift list attatched.

piglet I'm pretty sure the Baby Shower gift list thing has already started! People seem unable to pass up a chance to gift grab these days.

We sent invitations to people we knew couldn't make it. It had nothing to do with trying to get a gift! We were honouring their friendship by including them in the invites. Am horrified to think this may have been misinterpreted.

This "you've got to buy us a massive gift comment" reminds me of a time I said that old cliched "you can do mine as well!" to MIL who was washing her car. Found out later from DH that MIL had been ranting about me ordering her about and expecting her to clean my car. Sigh.

Yes Stricly the sheer rudeness and vultureness of some people, we did not have any gift list, if people phoned us up and asked us what we wanted than we said just gift vouchers or anything that they thought we might like.

i had freinds i knew couldnt make my wedding but sent them invite anyway so they knew i would have liked them to come if they could have. however, i deliberately left the gift list out as there is no way i would anticipate a pressie from them.