My sister is upset that I give some of my childrens' outgrown clothes to charity and we have rowed about it. Am I being unreasonable?

[fulltimeworkingmum]

We both have a DS and DD each but in the opposite order so her DS hand me downs come to me and vice versa. Although she only works outside the home part time, we both have high earning jobs and have high earning husbands. I fully admit that I buy way too many clothes etc for my Dc's (mainly out of guilt) but my sister expects to get everything that my DD has grown out of. She has even rung me up and asked for certain items along the lines of "where is that lovely coat that .... had when I saw her last Christmas?" I wouldn't mind if they were in a fix, financially but they really aren't - my sister is too lazy or too tight to go out and buy her DD some nice clothes.
Our parents think that I should give her everything, mainly to keep the peace but I prefer to give some of it to charity shops.
I know this sounds really petty and in the grand scheme of things is really not a big deal but this has upset me. Most of you will think I am B totally U but I feel a bit taken for granted - good old big sis will buy it and take care of it then she can have it, trash it on the boil wash then send it back in a condition that leaves most of it only fit for the rag bin.
Thoughts please, ladies.

My sister did the exact same thing, moaned until I gave her DD's winter stuff. My DD is 9 and hers is only 2. It's pretty trendy (not slutty) and really won't look the same in 7 years but some other little girl could have been delighted to be wearing it in a few months

I would tell her that you have given the clothes to a different person. (Just don't mention its the person who runs the charity shop)

They are your clothes to do as you like with.

I think you need more to think about. Both of you.

YABU and it is very petty almost like your trying to wind her up. She is your sister but you would rather help a stranger than family?
Just because someone earns well doesn't mean they may not be struggling.

I don't think you are being unreasonable. I would do the same. Your stuff. Do what you want with it.

Why don't you just give them to her? seems strange to me that you don't ..

i think that it's your stuff and you can do whatever you like with it!

Well, she we both have a Masters in the pipeline along with 2 pre-schoolers each plus husbands, jobs, houses, pets and elderly parents - do you think that's enough, Bruxeur??

Your clothes and up to you who you give them to, but does it really hurt you to give them to your sister? You said she gives you stuff too. Swap sounds fair.

And I can see how it might feel bad that you prefer to give things to charity. You're giving them away but you don't want her to have them.

That's not about the clothes, that's about ishooooos between you!

But, like I said, your stuff so your choice. But to save bad feeling perhaps say stuff like "oh, she ripped it / Spilled ribena on it / got paint on it, so I threw it away.

I'm not sure why you would rather give them to a stranger rather than your sister.

It's a compliment to your taste that she notices nice items and asks for them.
For what it's worth high earning job does not always equal lots of spare cash.
I do agree they are your clothes to do with as you choose, i just genuinely don't really understand why you havn't given her them ??

obviously its your stuff so its up to you but i do find your behaviour rather odd.

i am not in your situation but i would love to have a little nephew so i could pass on my ds outgrown clotes - i would look forward to seeing him in them.

Why do you bother to make a fuss about this? I don't understand. Is it a charity particularly close to your heart? Or is it a deliberate giving it somewhere other than to your sister?

This is about way more than the clothes. I think you both need to be honest about that.

IMHO she sounds just like a freecycle scrouger. Wanting everthing for nothing instead of buying what she can afford. YANBU.

In that case stop pissing about playing power games with outgrown clothes, and focus on more important things.

I agree it is strange you would rather give to charity, despite knowing that your sister wants the clothes. I would be thrilled the clothes would be going to someone who wants them, better still if it was my sister, whatever her financial position might be.

Are there issues between the 2 of you?

Can you not just give her the clothes and specify she gives them to the charity shop when she's done with them? Or would they not be in a fit state after she's used them?

I'm more interested in your comment that you 'fully admit that I buy way too many clothes etc for my Dc's (mainly out of guilt)'.

Why do you buy so many clothes - children really don't need much - buy fewer clothes, give the money you save money directly to charity where it will be worth so much more. Explain that to your sister.

I dont understand why you dont give them to her if she gives you clothes for DS?

Well, if it we me and my sis, I'd give her everything on the understanding that what she didn't use went to someone else or to a charity shop. As long as it doesn't get binned.

My DD is wearing clothes that were donated to my DSD (12 years DD's elder) by friends of ours. So they are probably 15-17 years old. I prefer to call them vintage! and they are really cool.

And, FWIW, I'm not struggling financially. I don't see why that should mean I'm not sensible / frugal. My kids don't NEED designer clothes. They need clean, dry acceptable clothing.

I think, in life, you have to choose your arguments and (unless there is an underlying reason to want to piss your sister off) this is not one worth having.

So, You are being unreasonable.

Yes I understand that they are your clothes and you should do with them as you wish, but surely you would want to help out your own instead of giving them to a stranger. I have given some of my dds clothes to my SIL, i loved seeing her dd in my dds old things, i did not give all as we would like another dc soon (we are ttc) so dont know if we will have another girl or a boy so are hanging on to them.

Is it because your family and financial situation is so similar that you are secretly in competition with your sister? Sibling rivalry and all that

Agree with Lindy's solution about buying fewer clothes and giving cash saved to charity. Perhaps you buy too many clothes for your dd to impress your sister, then feel resentful she expects to get the benefit of them.

Bruxeur - what's all that about?? Your attitude is quite unnecessary. Maybe you should find something else to get uppity about.

OP - your stuff your call. But I would give it to my sister to sort through first and then anything she doesn't want the charity shop gets.

Oh, you are all right - it's probably way deeper than a few Mini Boden dresses. I give stuff to my local hospice charity shop as it's very close to my familys' heart but other than that, it's just resentment that she expects it all - pathetic, I know. Thanks for the frank comments - where my little sis is concerned, I need to get a grip and rise above it all. My lovely niece deserves everything my DD's outgrown wardrobe has to offer. Thanks for all the advice.

split it
give some to her and some to charity