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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My sister is upset that I give some of my childrens' outgrown clothes to charity and we have rowed about it. Am I being unreasonable?

51 replies

fulltimeworkingmum · 16/04/2010 21:31

We both have a DS and DD each but in the opposite order so her DS hand me downs come to me and vice versa. Although she only works outside the home part time, we both have high earning jobs and have high earning husbands. I fully admit that I buy way too many clothes etc for my Dc's (mainly out of guilt) but my sister expects to get everything that my DD has grown out of. She has even rung me up and asked for certain items along the lines of "where is that lovely coat that .... had when I saw her last Christmas?" I wouldn't mind if they were in a fix, financially but they really aren't - my sister is too lazy or too tight to go out and buy her DD some nice clothes.
Our parents think that I should give her everything, mainly to keep the peace but I prefer to give some of it to charity shops.
I know this sounds really petty and in the grand scheme of things is really not a big deal but this has upset me. Most of you will think I am B totally U but I feel a bit taken for granted - good old big sis will buy it and take care of it then she can have it, trash it on the boil wash then send it back in a condition that leaves most of it only fit for the rag bin.
Thoughts please, ladies.

OP posts:

Skegness · 16/04/2010 21:49

Do you get on alright, generally? It does sound very petty on your part, tbh. Why don't you want her to have them? It sounds like a lovely system, both of you handing down clothes to each other. Am I right in thinking that you don't have a problem accepting her hand me downs? You can always give money to charity or other cast offs to charity shops, you know.

AngryWasp · 16/04/2010 21:50

I can't abide greedy-grabbing behaviour either so I understand where you are coming from. It would REALLY wind me up to hear her asking for specific items. However tell her to stop being so greedy and get over herself and then just give her the clothes.

barnsleybelle · 16/04/2010 21:50

I think i may have twigged what the problem is.
You admit you buy far too many clothes for your DD out of guilt.... is it that you resent your sister doesn't, so therefore you don't get as many back for DS ???
If it is that... then you need to stop and think how sad that is.

harimo · 16/04/2010 21:51

To be fair, if you bought less to start with, you would have less to get stressed about

And, with the money you saved, you could take the kids to Disneyland or a day our somewhere - surely that's better than guilt-clothing???

Longtalljosie · 16/04/2010 21:53

Do you want more children? Is that it?

Otherwise I can't imagine why you wouldn't be glad to hand stuff down

brimfull · 16/04/2010 21:54

it's odd that you don't pass them on to your neice or nephew

do you not get on with your sister?

ravenAK · 16/04/2010 22:00

I don't get this, I must admit.

OK, your clothes, do what you like with them, but surely the important thing is that a) you've got rid & b) they're being used?

I'm part of a loose chain of friends who are constantly bunging each other bags of outgrown stuff - the expectation is that you fossick through the latest bag, cherry-pick the stuff you like, & of the rejects, set aside anything you know another mate you'll be seeing soon will use, then charity shop or clothing bank the rest.

One friend of mine has the opposite problem - she hates giving her dd's outgrown clothes to charity shops, & begs me to take them for my dds. Much of it isn't to my taste, so ends up in the charity shop anyway (friend knows this).

Again, it's someone who will admit to buying 'too many' clothes.

I'm wondering if it's maybe a side-effect of buying 'too much' that you both end up so bothered about what happens to them (because you've not 'got the wear out of them')

Tryharder · 16/04/2010 22:05

I can see the OP's POV. I personally would give a few choice items to your sister to shut her up and then give the rest to charity. Charity shops generally are suffering because people so often ebay stuff rather than give it away.

However, if she gives you loads of stuff for your DS then YABU if you don't reciprocate. Can't you say to her that as the both of you are high earners and can afford to buy new/expensive clothes for your DCs, then have a mutual agreement that all cast offs will be passed to charity.

I love expensive/designer clothes for my DC but can't afford them new so am relying on the generosity of people like you, OP, to keep the charity shops replenished !!

AngryWasp · 16/04/2010 22:05

Those clothes sound nice actually. I have a daughter or 18 months if you fancy sending any my way instead!

oneofsuesylvesterscheerios · 16/04/2010 22:06

I don't blame you tbh. It would piss me off. Does she ever say thanks?

I told my MIL only today that it pisses me off that I have been handing clothes to my SIL and dn for 2 years now and haven't had one 'thank you' from my SIL in all that time. She even asked MIL if she knew if I had any tights that dd2 had grown out of because she wanted some for winter

I really wouldn't begrudge her any of it if she could just have the decency to give me a thank you. She's an ungrateful cow - but there again, I don't want my dn to miss out and it seems very petty of me. (However, dh agrees and thinks it's not petty - thank you dh!)

ScreaminEagle · 16/04/2010 22:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

sunshiney · 16/04/2010 22:15

It seems you think she won't take care of the clothes. So you don't want to see the clothes you carefully chose and cared for become rapidly tatty.

Well I for one think that's reasonable. I have some lovely girl clothes that I won't be passing on to my friend the same reasons. I would rather give them to charity.

Give her some of the more well worn bits and do what you want with the rest!

larks35 · 16/04/2010 22:35

As the last person in my family to have a baby, I've been very fortunate in that my sisters and sister in law have given us so much clothing that I've only ever bought my DS one outfit! (That was on a particularly anxious, mother-hen lunch break when I missed my lovely lad so much)

Every time any of my sisters come it is with at least 2 bags of clothing and I am swamped. Fortunately none of them mind what I do with it (most of it goes to charity), what was important for them is that rather than waste god knows what on new clothing, I use theirs before paying for new.

I am in a poorer situation than your sis by the sound of things, but I think you sound a bit mean TBH. I find it ridiculous that people spend so much on clothing for babies who have no idea what they're wearing and grow so very fast that the clothes will not wear out before they do.

Let your sis have the clothes and ask her to pass them on to your charity after she's had them. What is the point of her buying them again when you could pass them on to her? Needless waste.

If you don't want to do that for her, point her in the direction of the charity shop you've taken them to so that she can at least get them at lower prices and therefore save needless waste.

I do think YABU.

MartinlovesDebi · 16/04/2010 22:47

So glad you've changed your mind. I love seeing children close to me wearing dd's outgrown clothes, lots of lovely memories. The people I give them to can definitely afford to buy their own, but it's not about the money.

larks35 · 16/04/2010 22:53

Oops sorry OP missed that post (no.25) , thanks MartinlovesDebi for pointing out that OP has changed her mind.

penguin73 · 16/04/2010 23:00

I guess it all comes down to your relationship with your sister. Personally if I was getting rid of something and I knew family/friends wanted it then it would be theirs.
either way you need to talk about it.

ASecretLemonadeDrinker · 16/04/2010 23:03

My parents were well off but I always got hand-me-downs, surely this is, like, law or something?

QuintessentialShadow · 16/04/2010 23:07

Yabu and petty. She likes the clothes, she wants her dd to wear them. Yet you give them to charity shops.

Are you for some reason jealous of her? That is how it comes across.

roses2 · 16/04/2010 23:08

Charity begins at home. Stop being petty and give the stuff to your sister.

weaning · 16/04/2010 23:15

Thediaryofanobody has a very good point, your sister may have lots of cash but still be struggling!

She may have absolutley no taste Be nice to your niece, save her from wearing the scary stuff your sister would have bought her and take the compliment your sister is giving you - no matter how backhanded! She clearly thinks you have very good taste!

wahwah · 17/04/2010 08:14

OP has changed her mind, be nice! OP, good for you for rising above it all, it takes a good person to reflect and change their behaviour and your focus on your niece is the right one.

Perhaps you and your sister need to reconnect though!

herbgarden · 17/04/2010 09:57

well done FTM.

I have a little sis too and have just gone through all my old baby stuff and passed it her way as she's due later on in the year...but apart from that we all tend to do the "poor little sister" routine and she still at nearly 40 gets away with murder and will have us all running around after her a- I know that feeling - that sisterly thing never goes away does it.

I tend to pass stuff on to whoever is the closest in age but now sis is pregnant if it's the right gender she'll get some stuff and not others. I tend to pass the everyday stuff to not so close friends and the nice stuff I save for closer friends and family.

I do ask though when I pass stuff over that they take anything they don't want to charity rather than just binning it....

princessparty · 17/04/2010 19:54

YABU, if she is giving you all her cast offs then of course she is going to be miffed if you give yours elsewhere.

mrspooh · 20/04/2010 21:07

cant you ask her if there were specific items she particularly liked and then give the rest to charity.

Hulababy · 20/04/2010 21:16

Rather than seeing it as you giving it too your sister, why not see it as you giving it to your niece?

I personally would far rather give outgrown clothes to someone I knew.

We dont know people with a girl a bit older than DD so it is a rarity to get any handme downs. And I am another who admits to buying way too many clothes for my DD. However, I am not precious about them and they are all offered to close friends once they are no longer required. If friend doesn't have a need for them, I offer them elsewhere or charity shop them. I used to ebay occasionally but find it way too much hassle.

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