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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Today I witnessed what was possibley the most distressing thing I have even seen

69 replies

flixx · 15/04/2010 12:29

And I don't know what I should have done about it.

Went to the park with DD this morning. While we were there they was a couple who had a boy of about 8ish in a specially adapted pram. I think he had cerebal palsy. The boy kept putting his hand in his mouth and sucking his hand. The father was at first removing the boys hand from his mouth, fair enough.

But as the boy kept doing it the man began actaully slapping his hand away really quite forceably. He was shouting at him to "bloody pack it in" as well. His behaviour was really agressive

The poor boy was clearly very distressed and was crying out every time the man did this.

The man than pinned the boys arms down by his side and growling at him thats how he'd have to stay if he didn't pack it in. They walked off then so I don't know what happened next

I felt so upset for the boy but didn't not know what to do. So I did nothing but can't stop thinking about that poor child

At what point does bad parenting become abuse

And what should I have done?

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 15/04/2010 12:31

I don't know what you should have done or should do, sorry, that sounds awful.
Why shouldn't the boy have been sucking his hand anyway??

runnybottom · 15/04/2010 12:31

Thats the worst thing you've ever seen? Charmed life huh?

You have no idea what could be happening there, you're having a judgefest on a snapshot.

MorrisZapp · 15/04/2010 12:33

I guess it must be really hard to care for a disabled child and that the man - presumably the boy's father - was struggling to maintain his patience.

What should you have done - I dunno. Are you suggesting that you witnessed a crime?

How distressed was the boy, and how strong was the physical force used?

StealthPolarBear · 15/04/2010 12:33

rb I don't think that sort of thing counts as normal - slapping, shouting and swearing at a child.

Original poster
flixx · 15/04/2010 12:35

stealth, thats what I thought.

Runnybottom yes watching a child being repeatedly slapped and shouted at is very ditressing! I am suprised that you would find that behaviour acceptable

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 15/04/2010 12:37

Polarbear, surely telling a kid to bloody pack it in isn't SS worthy stuff though? It was normality in my childhood anyway.

There was a thread on here recently in which a poster admitted to being a 'shouty mum' and most people said yeah, me too, don't worry about it, kids are really trying sometimes aren't they.

Original poster
flixx · 15/04/2010 12:37

See thats it morris, what I saw was probably a man at the end of his tether.

The boy was very ditressed and crying out quite loudly.

OP posts:
Greensleeves · 15/04/2010 12:37

god I wouldn't like to meet anyone who didn't find it distressing to watch a disabled child being hit and sworn at for putting his own hand in his mouth

snapshot or not, this is completely unacceptable.

runnybottom · 15/04/2010 12:39

Did I say it was acceptable?

I said you have no idea what was going on. What if he was biting his hand instead of sucking it, injuring himself? What if the carer hadn't slept in days and was at the end of his tether?
easy for you to sit there thinking how terrible and shoudn't someone do something, when you're not in the situation yourself.

MmeLindt · 15/04/2010 12:39

I don't know if there is anything that you could have done.

RB
Never having had to care for a child with SN, I cannot say that I know the pressures that the man may have been under. But if my own DC are getting me so worked up that I feel I am close to snapping I go outside and cool off. There is no excuse for slapping and behaving in an aggressive way towards a child, and a particularly vulnerable at that.

carrotsarenottheonlyvegetable · 15/04/2010 12:40

Suggest the boy may suck and bite his hand until it bleeds and is constantly infected, parents can't stop it, worries about it causing scepticemia, dad at end of tether after frustrating day...

Or abuse. Who knows?

Terribly sad situation all round but don't automatically jump to the worst case scenario.

Original poster
flixx · 15/04/2010 12:40

I am a mum of 3 and also a TA, I am far from a perfect mum and through work have seen all kinds of different parenting styles. I know that we all can have bad days and just because I might not agree with somebodys parenting style, doesn't make it wrong.

But this just wasn't right, really truly!! There was such anger and agression aimed at this child!

OP posts:
overmydeadbody · 15/04/2010 12:41

It does sound like a distressing thing to watch, even if other people may have experienced far more distressing scenes in their lives.

I don't know what you could have or should have done flixx.

MmeLindt · 15/04/2010 12:41

Rereading that, it sounds really patronising. I am sorry.

Obviously comparing the stress of my DC to the stress of caring for a child with CP is ridiculous.

At the same time, if you are at the end of your tether you have to walk away for the sake of the child.

overmydeadbody · 15/04/2010 12:42

How was the mum reacting or behaving?

Greensleeves · 15/04/2010 12:42

I might have been significantly closer to that situation than you realise runnybottom

I DO know how that feels and how terrifyingly angry you can become when you are exhausted, worried and stretched so thin you could snap

but I've never hit a child, and I couldn't excuse or reassure anyone who did, especially repeatedly in the way the OP describes

compassion is a fine thing, but there have to be SOME lines in the sand, IMO. You don't hit a disabled child, ever!

bellissima · 15/04/2010 12:43

I would find it distressing. And yes, I recognise that parents of children with special needs must be under incredible stress, but I would still find the situation as you describe it distressing. And, like you, have no idea what an appropriate reaction (if any) would be.

Original poster
flixx · 15/04/2010 12:43

OMDB the mum was kind of just stood there, she looked uncomfortable but didn't really do or say anything.

OP posts:
ChickensHaveSinisterMotives · 15/04/2010 12:47

Perhaps thats the point MmeLindt. You can walk away from your children to cool off. This man might never get to walk away.

OP, I agree that it would be distressing to witness, but I'm not really sure what you could/should have done. I vividly remember having to drag my youngest out of a shop at age 4, all the while he grunted and flailed his arms. He looked for all the world like a child with SN, but actually he was just being unbelievably challenging. I was mortified, angry, exhausted. I would not have taken kindly to anyone saying anything to me. I can only imagine that if your child does have SN, other peoples involvement is often more of a hindrance than a help. As RB said, you saw a snapshot. Not a good snapshot, sadly

porcamiseria · 15/04/2010 12:48

try to not assume the worst, as TBH there is fxxk all you can do about it anyway

ALL parents lose it sometimes, I dont care what anyone says. I really hope dad was at the end of his tether

the fact that they took him to a park etc indicates sone level of care, not just shoving him in corner

again, you cant do jack about this, so dont torment yourself.

differentID · 15/04/2010 12:48

It's a scandal really that there isn't more support for parents of children with highest-need disabilities?

That's what it does boil down to is the fact that there isn't enough help for parents of severely disabled children.

Perhaps Mumsnet could make that the next thing on the agenda? To try to improve services for the families.

Even what little respite there is isn't sufficient to truly help families, as I've read from quite a few posters.

ChickensHaveSinisterMotives · 15/04/2010 12:50

Agreed, differentID. The pressure on those families must be immense, and it seems as though they're forgotten about a lot of the time.

GrumpyOldHorsewoman · 15/04/2010 12:51

I saw a woman yesterday grab at her toddler and tell him to 'Fucking stand still' while she attempted to put his walking reins on and talk on her mobile at the same time.
I agree that it is distressing to see because you think if that is how they treat them in public, what happens in private?
There could be many reasons why this man behaved the way he did, but the fact remains that he was dealing with a situation very badly and causing distress to a child in the process. It's not judgey to be concerned about an adult's poor treatment of a child. Society breaks down when we no longer feel concerned on the basis that it's none of our business. It's seldom black or white.

Greensleeves · 15/04/2010 12:53

Did you hit him repeatedly Chickens? No? Not the same then

I agree the support available to families with children with SN is appallingly inadequate - a national disgrace, in fact. And I do know how bad it is.

I still say there are basic boundaries though, for any adult and any child. You don't hit children like that!

macdoodle · 15/04/2010 12:56

You know what yes YABU and judgy!
You just dont know what goes on in peoples lives, I love my children to bits and do my best for them every day, tell them I love them, and never smack, but I do shout sometimes, and this morning I just lost it, a cumulation of things, and I screamed and shouted and then said I had enough and walked out the front door
I am a single parent, my DD's are 8 and 2, after a minute outside I came to my senses and calmed down and went back in to 2 very distressed little girls !!
Am utterly utterly ashamed of how I behaved and wont even try and excuse it, anyone witnessing it would have felt very uncomfortable indeed and thought my children abused!

I DO NOT usually behave like that, do not judge what you dont know