Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

to expect a bit of help?

65 replies

muttimalzwei · 15/04/2010 08:19

I have no real problems but we live nowhere near relatives and my Mum is in Spain most of the year. She is now in the UK but about 50 miles away and doesn't drive. Just feel like I have been in survival mode for so long now, Husband and I barely have time for anything let alone a sex life and I tire of hearing about other parents nights out and weekends away while the grandparents help out. I just feel my Mum should volunteer to help out a bit more and try and give me a bit of a break. At the moment she just comes for a day, tells me what needs doing in the house and goes back to my stepdad. Or am i just being a moaning old bint?

OP posts:

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 15/04/2010 08:21

Well, if your Mum lives 50 miles away and is in Spain most of the time, I don't think it's reasonable to expect help.

What do you need help with? How old are the children?

Original poster

muttimalzwei · 15/04/2010 08:23

Sorry more detail needed. Two kids 1 and 5, work part time, husband funny shifts so often just me

OP posts:

CLOVER81 · 15/04/2010 08:26

thats just life with kids im afraid not everyone gets help from their parents as alot of parents think they have raised their own kids and done their bit.

thehillsarealive · 15/04/2010 08:29

i think you are BU to expect help from your mum, have you asked her to help you out at all?

The key to running a household is being organised, so make sure that you are - plan date nights with your husband and get yourself a good babysitter.

I dont get any help from family, i live 400 miles away from mine and DH, so suck it up and get organised! It is hard sometimes, you have my sympathy.

Original poster

muttimalzwei · 15/04/2010 08:29

Everyone I know gets help from their parents

OP posts:

Original poster

muttimalzwei · 15/04/2010 08:30

and I know my Mum got loads of help when we were growing up from her Mum and Dad so may be I am just bitter and twisted

OP posts:

CLOVER81 · 15/04/2010 08:31

then everyone you know are very lucky the first 6 years of my sons life we lived abroad husband in the army so always away i worked part time and it was nearly always just me but I just got on with it as they are my kids i chose too have them.

rubyslippers · 15/04/2010 08:31

book a babysitter?

set up a babysitting circle with friends

it is very hard without any support at all

most of my friends don't get help - I am very lucky that i have a fab MIL and other family members who can help me but my own parents are a long way away

if your mum really comes over and just moans at you then that is a bit rubbish

Prinpo · 15/04/2010 08:32

The amount of help people get does vary hugely. I have one friend whose mum comes over every week and cleans her house from top to bottom! My parents live hours away and have never been around to help and I have sometimes felt a bit jealous of those whose parents are around (especially as my mum had one day a week's help from her mum when we were little). Still, people get to chose whether or not to help so I just have to lump it.

There are, though, loads of other parents in the same boat where I live. A group of us set up a babysitting circle which works really well and allows us all to have evenings out without the expense of a babysitter. Have you thought of doing anything similar?

rubyslippers · 15/04/2010 08:33

it maybe feels harder because you imagined your mum would behave in a different way

ie much more hands on

so, you feel disappointed as she isn't living up to this

cheesypopfan · 15/04/2010 08:37

sorry - another one that says you can't expect your mum to help you out. I know what its like - when my dH and I worked horrible shifts, it was really tough and I was really envious of my friends whose mum helped them out when I was paying through the nose for childcare. But, they are your children so your responsibility.

Saying that - could you perhaps co-ordinate some annual leave? DH and I would take one day off occasionally where the kids would go to school or something and we would just spend the whole day in bed. Its really essential you have some quality time together. It also sounds like you haven't talked to your mum about how tired you are - maybe she has forgotten what its like. But your post seems to suggest that there are some underlying tensions in your relationship anyway??

MrsDermotOleary · 15/04/2010 08:39

I don't think you can just expect help, although if she's over for the day she could perhaps do more than tell you what needs doing. Perhaps she doesn't want to interfere, or maybe she doesn't see that you're not coping.
TBH I am not quite sure why you are still in "survival mode", your 5 year old must be at school all week leaving you with one child to deal with. Does your youngest attend a nursery?

I have 2 preschoolers, 2 part time jobs and a husband who works away regularly, at least 2 nights a week and sometimes for 2 weeks at a time. Oh, and I get no help at all. I put both my kids in nursery one day a week while I am not at work. I spend most of my "day off" cleaning the house so it's not so much a rest as a change of scene but it works for me. Then the rest of the week I'm not stressing about the cleaning as I know (as long as the kids are not ill) that I can do it on their nursery day. I fit my work around my husband's work and so sometimes have to work on my cleaning day. But hey ho, I just get on with it.
This is probably not what you want to hear but you have a husband, 2 kids and a job. There are people much worse off, and your life will get easier in time.

toccatanfudge · 15/04/2010 08:44

Original poster

muttimalzwei · 15/04/2010 08:47

Thanks everyone. MrsDermot you make me feel very humble! It's the lack of sleep from latest baby and never any real time off. The tensions with Mum are at the root of it, probably. I fully accept the responsibility for looking after my own kids!!! But I get such stupid advice from my Mum sometimes like 'OOh you must look after your sex life' or you 'must keep the house tidy or your husband will get fed up' etc and I just think, well that's easier said than done isn't it? Meanwhile she seems to be on permanent holiday or off on cruises, no wonder she feels able to dish out relationship advice?! I'd love a bit of quality time with my husband like she has with my stepdad!!!I am part of a babysitting circle but I seem to want to go out a lot more than others, so I will look into a babysitter to pay for us to go on regular nights out. Thanks x

OP posts:

waitingforbedtime · 15/04/2010 08:48

YABU to expect your mum to help out more but YANBU to be a bit envious of people who have more help than you do.

I have 2 friends whose parents come round every day, drop little bits of shopping off, babysitting, just popping round for a chat etc, are there when the wee ones are ill etc etc etc - I envy them enormously because I would do anything to live closer to my parents but it is just not possible.

My parents live about 80 miles away but are both disabled so although they are very very good and do what they can when theyre here they obviously cant pop round and cant deal with a marauding 3 year old!!

waitingforbedtime · 15/04/2010 08:49

Maybe you feel that you are not 'normal' in terms of getting out enough etc? How often do you WANT to go out and how often do you GET to go out?

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 15/04/2010 08:50

It is hard, when it's your Mum. You just sort of want your Mum when you've got a little one, I think. At least I did, in a sort of 'oh gosh I have all this responsibility and I have to be a big proper grownup for the first time ever waaaah where's my Mum?' way, and I was 30 when mine was born so no excuse.

And if your friends all have help, it is hard. I know that when things are tough around here I get totally irrationally jealous of everyone and anyone who seems to have a better deal than me.

Your Mum sounds like she's making things worse not better, have you actually tried asking her for specific babysitting times? Or saying when she comes over, I've had a hell of a day would you mind helping me tackle this laundry etc? Or at least, would you mind shutting up now please?

waitingforbedtime · 15/04/2010 08:50

Sorry PS someone will always come along and say well I have 15 children, 7 jobs, 12 dogs and no husband and I cope - it doesnt mean you arent doing your best, it just means people are different.

Original poster

muttimalzwei · 15/04/2010 08:50

I want to go out at least once a week and I probably go out every three weeks. I do go swimming twice a week at night though for a bit of a break. Just want to enjoy stuff with hubbie again, films, walks etc

OP posts:

posieparker · 15/04/2010 08:53

I have no help and have four children, 1,3,7,8....it's crap. Never going out, never having a break and I'm a SAHM...so no life either.

Whether you have a hamster or forty children if you can never have a break it's rubbish.

Try a local nursery worker for babysitting.

waitingforbedtime · 15/04/2010 08:53

I can understand that but I think youre probably being a wee bit unrealistic maybe? 2 nights swimming a week and a night out every 3 weeks isnt bad going imo. I wont tell you how rarely much I go out as you will think Im a total loser but you know adjusting your expectations mught help - youre not doing so badly and I certainly wouldnt consider that survival mode at all. Films and walks whenever you fancy do go to the wall a bit when you have kids and your littlest one is only 1, this too will pass.

Kathyjelly · 15/04/2010 08:53

No help here either. But neither of us have parents anymore so I never really expected any.

Being a moaning old bint is fine, once in a while. It is hard on your own but you can develop an "urban family" as a substitute. You have a 5yo so you must get to meet other mums at school gates. What about doing a babysitting swap? Or you could treat yourself to a cleaner for two hours a week and you work alongside her. Much easier to get lots done when there's someone to talk to.

MrsDermotOleary · 15/04/2010 08:55

Your mum is being quite thoughtless and has probably forgotten just how relentless childcare is. My mum travels 1.5 hour car journey every week and has my sister's 2 kids from Sun eve til Wed eve so she can work. My sis just gets up and goes to work, then comes home to a clean house and dinner on the table. Meanwhile sis's dh is home from work by 5pm and is a teacher so has all school hols off too. It kills me.

I once asked my mum why she has never offered the same to me and she was surprised that I needed help as she said I was much stronger than my sis and "always cope so well".
I cope because I have to!!

I really sympathise with you, it is so hard. Could you ask your mum outright? Or maybe take the kids to stay so she can at least cook and clean, and even babysit one night?

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 15/04/2010 08:58

Actually, yes, I do have to say that if you're getting to go out swimming twice a week and you have an evening out once every three weeks, what did you think life with two young children was going to look like?

I have a really nice set-up, in that my husband and I share the load really well and both enjoy our lives. We go out for an evening maybe once every three months and we get an afternoon alone together once every 2 months (ish), we probably go out without one another every 3 months, and neither of us ever get to go swimming or to the gym. So that equals 1x4 hour block of leisure time away from our daughter a month. And I think we have things really good, to be honest.

Original poster

muttimalzwei · 15/04/2010 09:14

Thanks to everyone, MrsDermot I think you do very well to cope with that lot! It's not really the nights out, I know I have it relatively good. It's just the lack of offer of help from Mum and her (as I jealously see it) luxury lifestyle that grates. I think trying to build up an urban family (which I kind of have a bit already)is the way forward. x

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3