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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect a bit of help?

65 replies

muttimalzwei · 15/04/2010 08:19

I have no real problems but we live nowhere near relatives and my Mum is in Spain most of the year. She is now in the UK but about 50 miles away and doesn't drive. Just feel like I have been in survival mode for so long now, Husband and I barely have time for anything let alone a sex life and I tire of hearing about other parents nights out and weekends away while the grandparents help out. I just feel my Mum should volunteer to help out a bit more and try and give me a bit of a break. At the moment she just comes for a day, tells me what needs doing in the house and goes back to my stepdad. Or am i just being a moaning old bint?

OP posts:
Kneazle · 15/04/2010 09:16

YANBU I disagree with the others actually. I know just how you feel.I have three kids and do not think i am owed help. Goodness knows I have never had any. My oldest is now a teenager and in all that time no one in our families has baby sat changed a nappy or even made me a cup of tea. No one has bought them a babygrow or a birth present etc. They rarely remember their birthdays. They "do not do christmas presents".

I actually find that a bit odd.

They also come to my house and will sit around telling me i need to do this and that but would not dream of taking their own mug out to my kitchen. I think it is very hard to watch other people with family who give them a hand and not have any help yourself. To me real families help out. If i go to their houses i help out and do the washing up cook a meal but this is not returned.

I know they do not owe me anything but to me this is not behaving like family. I have got used to it and yes i have got on with it and coped and so will you but YANBU to think that it is a hard.

Original poster
muttimalzwei · 15/04/2010 09:18

Thank you Kneazle, to me that is what families instinctively want to do. I will do it for my kids and my brother has said he will do it for his, it just seems the way you should behave really

OP posts:
Kneazle · 15/04/2010 09:23

Exactly, i cannot imagine not helping with my grandchildren. I agree with the others about finding friends that are in the same boat. It has taken me a long time but i know plenty of people that are in the same boat now and we all help each other out.

flowerybeanbag · 15/04/2010 09:23

YABU I'm afraid. Two nights time to yourself swimming and a night out every three weeks sounds absolutely fantastic bearing in mind you've got small children, and YABU to expect your Mum to babysit if she lives far away and is abroad most of the time.

Original poster
muttimalzwei · 15/04/2010 09:27

It's not even babysitting I want it's general help and a bit of understanding that it is quite hard. Anyway, I'll shut up and get on with it now

OP posts:
tortoiseonthehalfshell · 15/04/2010 09:31

Ha, I think you might have made a few of us jealous of your luxury lifestyle now, mutti! This is the thing, isn't it, when things are tough - it's hard to see others having things easier, even if it's not much easier.

Your Mum does sound unhelpful, and it's a shame. Mine is around, and even though I don't get to go out much her support (emotional and physical) is such a comfort. So I do have some sympathy.

Would quite like to go swimming twice a week, though

posieparker · 15/04/2010 09:31

General help? wtf? you have two children and one of which is old enough to amuse themselves or help you, it's only the one year old that could be hard work.....are you organised?

You go out twice a week, swimming, once every three weeks with your DH....what time do your dcs go to bed? Because even with four I have time for a sex life, rather active when DH is annoying me!

MmeLindt · 15/04/2010 09:34

I think that YABU to expect your mum to babysit, considering that you do get out of the house.

But YANBU to want the emotional support from your mum instead of her stupid comments that make you feel bad.

I think that the babysitting is a red herring, upsetting for you is more the way your mother treats you and that she is not more interested in spending time with you and your family.

MrsDermotOleary · 15/04/2010 09:34

Thanks mutti, I really appreciate that. I dont think YABU at all btw, I think you maybe need a bit of a break from your mum though. I used to feel quite upset about the amount of help my sis gets but as a wise friend once told me, instead of obsessing about what others have, or what you don't have, concentrate on appreciating all that you do have. (she put it much better than me!)

As others have said, social networking is the way forward. Without my friends I would be lost, I am very lucky to have really supportive and helpful friends.

MrsDermotOleary · 15/04/2010 09:38

And I don't mean to make you think you have to "shut up and get on with it". I truly know your pain. It's important to recognise your feelings and occasionally to get stuff off your chest. I think you either need to ignore your mum's comments or ask her for help. It could be that she just doesn't see the need.

Original poster
muttimalzwei · 15/04/2010 09:39

Thansk again MrsDermot!

OP posts:
luciemule · 15/04/2010 09:43

Why not say to your mum something like "mum, I would really love it if you came to stay for a few days - I could really do with a bit of a break away from dcs but we could perhaps go shopping for the day" etc, etc.
Might work - she perhaps thinks you don't want her there for more than a day and because it is only a day, whatever comments she makes, seem worse as they're grouped together in a short space of time. Can you guys not join her in Spain for a short break or she could babysit whilst you and DH go to her place in Spain!

dizzydixies · 15/04/2010 09:50

whilst I sympathise completely as we have NO help to speak of I have 3dc, am pregnant with dc4, work shifts myself and DH works opposite shifts. My mum died days before I had DD3 and DH's family live in another country - even so my mum never helped us when she was alive and although PIL could be here in under a few hours they visit twice a year and spent the majority of that time in Debenhams

if you want help and it isn't forthcoming from your family (its not their responsibility) either explain to your mother that you'd like some support or pay for it. We have no nights out as we work opposite shifts and accept that for the moment this has to be the way it is. We now pay for a girl to come and help as a mothers help and it takes up half of my wages but we need it. Unfortunately having discovered DC4 on way we'll have to let her go as we're struggling to pay her as it is thank goodness for friends - we all help each other out.

whilst I appreciate the snide comments from them are unnessary I believe YABU for expecting them to help, especially when in comparison to some you seem to be doing just fine.

noblegiraffe · 15/04/2010 09:53

What about your MIL? Is she nearby?

LittleMrsHappy · 15/04/2010 09:59

you being UR, full stop to expect anybody to help you, let alone your mum, your mum has had her children and is now living her own life.

I love the old saying you made your bed, so you lie in it, its a very apt but very truth saying.

posieparker · 15/04/2010 10:01

dizzy, what about a local college? They often do childcare courses and need work experience....and OP you could do this too.

MmeLindt · 15/04/2010 10:05

oooh, Dizzy. Did not know you were pregnant again. Congratulations, when are you due?

dizzydixies · 15/04/2010 10:11

posieparker - thanks, tbh the deal we get with this girl is very good but as I'm going to be on matty leave by the end of the year we need to start reining in some money and I'm not sure that she'll drop to the one day a week that we ABSOLUTELY need for work/childcare purposes

OP - we found our girl on gumtree and as a mother's help she looks after the girls/takes them to their classes/school/nursery etc as well as helping out with the housework etc - possibly worth a shot?

MmeLindt - thanks! was a shock to us as well if I'm honest due date roughly end of oct, am 12wks tomorrow

hocuspontas · 15/04/2010 10:21

I'm not sure why you're jealous of your mum. She's done with bringing up children and is now reaping the benefits! Your time will come! Dp and I have never had any help and when our parents used to visit it was not to help out or babysit (unless they offered) but to enjoy their grandchildren. If you are feeling overwhelmed all the time then you are not divvying up the jobs fairly!

It's hard not to feel envious of other families if they get help and you don't so I do sympathise but don't let your feelings for our mum get you down.

hocuspontas · 15/04/2010 10:23

your mum obviously...

saslou · 15/04/2010 10:29

YANBU to expect a little help and support from your mother. It sounds like she has a fab life, so when in the UK it wouldn't kill her to babysit occasionally so you and dh can do something together. At the very least she shouldn't come round, criticise, then bugger off home. If this was me I would ask her to babysit or for some help. Maybe she doesn't know you would like this. If she refuses, then at least next time she tells you all the thing that need doing you can quite fairly tell her to bugger off as she is not prepared to help you!
I believe that when you have children it's a lifetime commitment and just because your dc are grown it doesn't mean you leave them to their own devices if it is within your ability to help them out. I don't mean do everything for them, just smooth things out for them if they need you

Original poster
muttimalzwei · 15/04/2010 12:29

I am very lucky and I do get out more than most of you so I will totally shut up on that score. I think what bugs me the most is that my Mum told me to stop phoning her in Spain for emotional support a while back as I was in the habit of turning to her first in a crisis (which to be honest was often overblown and due to hormones or tiredness). She said that she couldn't cope with my problems as it made her all wound up and stressed. She told me I had to ring her after it had all blown over and I'd got it in perspective. I then stopped going to her at all and have managed without her. Now I feel she just dips in and out of our lives to suit herself, determinedly keeping things 'light' and 'pleasant' so she can go off and enjoy herself. This makes me feel a bit cheated to say the least. Her husband has told her not to get too involved as I know it spoils their time together if she is fretting over her kids. This is the real problem I think, not childcare or time off. The fact is that I do not feel supported by my Mum and that she is just a trophy Grandma as a Mum myself I now get even more how much this hurts.
Talk about a can of worms!

OP posts:
Original poster
muttimalzwei · 15/04/2010 12:33

'I believe that when you have children it's a lifetime commitment and just because your dc are grown it doesn't mean you leave them to their own devices if it is within your ability to help them out.' Exactly my opinion.

OP posts:
dizzydixies · 15/04/2010 12:51

she sounds like she's more intent on being your mother not your best friend. Are you prone to dramas? how is her health? what age is she - what age are you? don't you have a support network or friends?

I've had no choice but to get one with it as for the last 6years of her life my mum was seriously ill it was, however mainly MY decision not to worry her further - yes there were times when her support was greatly missed and there are times even now where I'm ashamed to say that I still feel anger and resentment about it HOWEVER she did her child raising and now its my turn to do the same and yes, I'll do things very differently to how she did it but frankly I don't think anyone thinks they're going to bow out at 69.

please try to be grateful you have some support AT ALL and try to remember this when you become a grandmother so you aren't too busy off having a well deserved life of your own

Original poster
muttimalzwei · 15/04/2010 12:58

I'm sorry you lost your Mum so young dizzy. Mine is 65 and I'm 40. My Dad died when he was 51. Have had two useless stepfathers so far. We've moved to a new area so the network is still under construction but getting there slowly. As everyone I know has support it's difficult to find anyone to swap favours with. Nobody has the same need really. When I become a grandmother I will consider it a joy to be involved with my kids kids, not a burden. I think grandparenting should enrich lives and not be seen as a pain in the arse and something stopping you from getting on with having a 'well deserved life of your own'. A life without meaningful involvement with grandkids would seem pretty crap to me.

OP posts: