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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I know I'm being a cow but DH and his bloody napping

56 replies

minxofmancunia · 14/04/2010 13:49

Expect IABU but here goes. Dh has always had a thing about sleep, seems to need a lot of it, needs naps all the f**king time, is a nasty vicious bastard if he doesn't get his 10 hour ration. Makes me . It's not just me being a bitch about this btw, all our friends and my family have questionned his sleep habits asking if he has some sort of medical problem as he seems so obsessed with it, he hasn't it's just the way he's been brought up.

On the other hand I have chronic insomnia gets worse and wosre as I get older, spend hours lying awake. Have tried EVERYTHING. Aside from sleeping for 3 hours every pm (which is the only time I seem to be able to have restful sleep) which isn't possible with 7 month old and 3.5 year old i have to exist in a state of chronic sleep deprivation. But i do it because i have to! I work, i do childcare, I do housework, I have various hobbies, i organise everything re holidays house stuff, dcs activities appointments etc. I just DO IT.

Since having dcs DH obviously has had to cut back on his soporific pastime, with disastrous effects. Even on 7-8 hours he's in a vile f**king mood and just WON'T stay awake. E.g. playing with dd, lenas on hand lying on floor doses off. In the evening spending a couple of precious hours with me, doses off. In from work sits on the sofa doses off. This is afetr 7-8 hours uniterrupted night sleep which he gets every other night (we take it in turns at night with dcs, 7mo is a lot better but 3.5 year old shouts out sometimes). he does LOADS of exercise and IMO it's making him even more "tired" which means the house is a pit because he just doesn't do stuff and we never have a conversation as he's always dosing. Enough energy for his 3 hour mountain bike rides at the weekend though .

If we do have babysitters we go out and it's whinge whinge whinge about being tired despite him knowing FULL WELL that I'm exhausted, clinically, as described by the GP!!

I'm sick of his need for excess sleep governing our lives. he's also (and this REALLY pisses me off) left work a bit early and rather than go straight to nursery to get dd has come home for a "cuppa" dosed off and left poor dd at nursery. Cue me getting home from work late, dh asleep and dd still at nursery. Race round to pick her up and she's the last one there looking so sad makes me and .

I now have to phone him when I know he's at home and due to pick her up to make sure he's awake.

I only have myself to blame though, he's always been like this, when we first met i worked shifts he was a studetn STILL (age 27 I should have known then) and when he got his first job I either had to ring from and early shift at 8.00am to wake him up OR set MY alarm to wake him up when I was on a late and could have been having a lie IN!!! He still refuses to set an alarm to this day relying on me or the dcs to get him up. If we didn't he'd have been sacked from every job by now. Actually I've now refused to do this anymore and he has to have an alarm which he's not happy about.

My Mum thinks he's "abnormal" with his sleep issues, I agree AIBU?????

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 14/04/2010 13:53

yanbu.....but why are you there still???

its no relationship....and you say he's 'vicious'?

RedRedWine1980 · 14/04/2010 13:55

Im sorry but it has made me giggle a little. My DH is the same either horizontal or wishing he was- you have my sympathies. Maybe he needs to take in some fresh air/get some regular exercise as that in itself helps you to feel more energised.

minxofmancunia · 14/04/2010 13:57

when he's " awake" he's brilliant, loads of ebergy, really kind and helpful, great with dcs does loads of nice things for me. He's just got this mentality that he can't cope unless he has sh*tloads of sleep. I'm sure if he thought differently about it he'd feel differently. This is what I've had to do, if I get 6 hours I feel like a new woman! Rather than panicking about not getting 8 hours.

His Mothers the same goes on about being tired and needing sleep ALL. THE. TIME.

He will do stuff it's just the martyr like expression and the trogging about the house sighing that does my head in.

OP posts:
RedRedWine1980 · 14/04/2010 13:58

The more I read the more im convinced my husband must be living a double life

traceybath · 14/04/2010 13:59

Well, my DH normally has a nap at the weekend but he works very very long hours and survives in the week on about 5 hours sleep a night so i think its fair enough.

If I were you - I'd send him to the dr's - you can't all exist like that forever.

You both need to get rest but come on - 10 hours a night - its just not really feasible when you work/have small dc's.

Firawla · 14/04/2010 13:59

Are you sure he doesn't need to see a GP about his excessive needs for sleep, as it doesn't sound normal at all.. maybe he has a disorder?! If he actually doesn't and just sleeps because he wants to them yes he is being really selfish and yanbu. How can he claim to be tired on 7-8 hours sleep a night knowing that you are more exhausted yourself

ameliameerkat · 14/04/2010 14:00

Has he been to the doctor to get checked out? Is there a medical reason for needing so much sleep and randomly falling asleep?

RedRedWine1980 · 14/04/2010 14:00

Get him some Berroca/proplus/yeastvite

rubyslippers · 14/04/2010 14:01

he sounds like a nightmare for a lot of reasons

why is his tiredness more important than yours?

why can't he set an alarm

how can you be with someone you describe as vicious?

i am severely sleep deprived (similar to you in having a toddler and a 6 month old who wakes every 3 hours at night for a feed) and it is killing me

i can't believe he didn't pick your DD up

claw3 · 14/04/2010 14:02

Why cant he get his 10 hours sleeps. Bed by 10pm, up at 8am?

MrsShu · 14/04/2010 14:03

i think he is ill

MrsShu · 14/04/2010 14:04

is he fat?

rubyslippers · 14/04/2010 14:04

i do agree his sleep issues need investigating but not having an alarm is perverse

claw3 · 14/04/2010 14:05

Falling asleep at every opportunity and having 10 hours. Anemic?

BeenBeta · 14/04/2010 14:06

Is your DH sufferng from a medical condition like sleep apnea related to snoring. Needing a lot of sleep or always feeling very tired can be an indicator of medical conditions that need treating.

GypsyMoth · 14/04/2010 14:07

it doesnt sound like a medical problem....more a mindset. and of course,he's getting away with it,does as he likes,when he likes...

WhoIsAsking · 14/04/2010 14:08

It does sound as if he's not well TBH.

castlesintheair · 14/04/2010 14:09

sound's like Hypersomnia to me. Has he had it checked out?

Sassybeast · 14/04/2010 14:11

How viscious is 'viscious' ?

GypsyMoth · 14/04/2010 14:13

have read your previous threads about your DH minx.....i dont really understand why you are still in a relationship like this. (well i do,but theres ways out)

RedRedWine1980 · 14/04/2010 14:15

Is he fat?

Sorry but what the chuff has that got to do with it? Im 'fat' but dont keep dropping off into my dinner and not bother setting an alarm for work!

minxofmancunia · 14/04/2010 14:17

Thank you for all your replies MrsShu he's not fat he's very muscly and well built, does loads of training as well as it being his natural build. On a BMI chart he'd be overweight but that is because of muscle (massive arms and chest). he has very little fat on him as that's another thing he's obsessive about.

castleintheair OMG an insomniac and a hypersomniac together what a F**ked up combination!

He does snore TERRIBLY (get another thing to keep me awake). I've asked and pestered for him to go to GP but as usual he's all words and no action and says he'll make an appointment but never does.

Last time he was really grumpy and vile after dd was born I made him go to GP, he had a raging chest infection eneded up on antibiotics, steroids and an inhaler .

OP posts:
BeenBeta · 14/04/2010 14:20

minx - I was going to say that your inability to sleep and your DH needing to slep a lot may well be linked.

He needs to go to the GP. Sleep apnoea is very common and ruins lives. Snoring is alos related to heart conditions.

Show him the link on sleep apnoea - it sounds a distinct possibility.

jmc112 · 14/04/2010 14:21

If his snoring is bad then sleep apnoea or something is a real possibility I think. He should go to the gp, there's lots that can be done to help. The fact that he dozes off all the time does suggest he needs more sleep to me, not just being lazy.

SolidGoldBrass · 14/04/2010 14:22

He is being selfish. He may well have a medical condition that can be helped, but by not going to the GP and just sleeping when he wants to, regardless of the effect it has on the rest of the family, he is stating that he is the only one who matters in the house.
If there are other issues (as seems to be suggested by people referring to other threads) honestly, you need to work out how you would manage without him so you have the information at your disposal, then sit him down and give him a time limit for seeking help or leaving.
Because you cannpt live like this indefinitely and nor can your children.