Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I know I'm being a cow but DH and his bloody napping

56 replies

minxofmancunia · 14/04/2010 13:49

Expect IABU but here goes. Dh has always had a thing about sleep, seems to need a lot of it, needs naps all the f**king time, is a nasty vicious bastard if he doesn't get his 10 hour ration. Makes me . It's not just me being a bitch about this btw, all our friends and my family have questionned his sleep habits asking if he has some sort of medical problem as he seems so obsessed with it, he hasn't it's just the way he's been brought up.

On the other hand I have chronic insomnia gets worse and wosre as I get older, spend hours lying awake. Have tried EVERYTHING. Aside from sleeping for 3 hours every pm (which is the only time I seem to be able to have restful sleep) which isn't possible with 7 month old and 3.5 year old i have to exist in a state of chronic sleep deprivation. But i do it because i have to! I work, i do childcare, I do housework, I have various hobbies, i organise everything re holidays house stuff, dcs activities appointments etc. I just DO IT.

Since having dcs DH obviously has had to cut back on his soporific pastime, with disastrous effects. Even on 7-8 hours he's in a vile f**king mood and just WON'T stay awake. E.g. playing with dd, lenas on hand lying on floor doses off. In the evening spending a couple of precious hours with me, doses off. In from work sits on the sofa doses off. This is afetr 7-8 hours uniterrupted night sleep which he gets every other night (we take it in turns at night with dcs, 7mo is a lot better but 3.5 year old shouts out sometimes). he does LOADS of exercise and IMO it's making him even more "tired" which means the house is a pit because he just doesn't do stuff and we never have a conversation as he's always dosing. Enough energy for his 3 hour mountain bike rides at the weekend though .

If we do have babysitters we go out and it's whinge whinge whinge about being tired despite him knowing FULL WELL that I'm exhausted, clinically, as described by the GP!!

I'm sick of his need for excess sleep governing our lives. he's also (and this REALLY pisses me off) left work a bit early and rather than go straight to nursery to get dd has come home for a "cuppa" dosed off and left poor dd at nursery. Cue me getting home from work late, dh asleep and dd still at nursery. Race round to pick her up and she's the last one there looking so sad makes me and .

I now have to phone him when I know he's at home and due to pick her up to make sure he's awake.

I only have myself to blame though, he's always been like this, when we first met i worked shifts he was a studetn STILL (age 27 I should have known then) and when he got his first job I either had to ring from and early shift at 8.00am to wake him up OR set MY alarm to wake him up when I was on a late and could have been having a lie IN!!! He still refuses to set an alarm to this day relying on me or the dcs to get him up. If we didn't he'd have been sacked from every job by now. Actually I've now refused to do this anymore and he has to have an alarm which he's not happy about.

My Mum thinks he's "abnormal" with his sleep issues, I agree AIBU?????

OP posts:
Original poster
minxofmancunia · 14/04/2010 14:26

beenbeta that's interesting what you say about our sleep habits, can you explain more?

OP posts:
SleepingLion · 14/04/2010 14:27

It sounds as if you both need to seek help for your sleep issues. Part of your resentment of him seems to be as a result of your insomnia, and your anger and sense of martyrdom seems to cloud an objective assessment of whether he might be in fact physically ill or depressed (which can also manifest itself in excessive tiredness). If you both go to the GP (and as you say you have already been, perhaps you need to be referred to whatever the next stage along is for sleep disorders), s/he can provide an objective assessment of your situations and perhaps put a stop to this competitive tiredness which is souring your relationship.

If he is not unwell or depressed but simply lazy, then stop facilitating this by doing everything as you say you do. At least you have finally insisted he has an alarm (!) make him pull his weight in other areas as well. If, for example, he goes off for 3 hr bike rides (which sounds healthy although you seem annoyed by that too), presumably he looks after the kids so you get your 'you' time at another point in the week. If not, why not?

And as someone else has pointed out, bed at 10 pm and getting up at 7 am is nine hours - that should keep him going, surely!

minipie · 14/04/2010 14:30

He needs to get to the GP - nodding off that easily after a full nights sleep is not normal. He could have sleep apneoa, anaemia, glandular fever, all sorts of things frankly.

But let's just assume he does just need that much sleep.

If that's the case, I would say he can EITHER sleep lots OR go to the gym/do 3 hours of mountain biking/etc. There is not enough time for him to do both, clearly, as you are having to take up the slack. If he needs an abnormal amount of sleep, then he doesn't have also time for time consuming hobbies.

How did he react when he realised he'd missed picking up DD from nursery? Was he suitably mortified?

BitOfFun · 14/04/2010 14:31

Sleep apnoea sounds very likely- I have this and I feel like a zombie a lot of the time. I agree he should see the GP though.

TrillianAstra · 14/04/2010 14:35

If he is a "nasty vicious bastard" at any time you probably should not be in a relationship with him.

Or are you exaggerating perhaps a little?

Original poster
minxofmancunia · 14/04/2010 14:35

I agree sleepinglion re getting more help once ds's sleepis consistenyl settled (will that ever happen???) I'm going to look at the next step for treating insomnia. The sleeping ablets didn't wrok that well, gave me a weird hangover feeling and are potentially addictive.

He DOES facilitate stuff for me, often. I can't complain about that. I'm glad he goes on the bike ride, he enjoys it and it's a sociable thing with his friends that he likes to do (I like doing things alone ). It's just if he overdoes it he's WRECKED for the weekend and as a family we all have a bit of a s**t time.

Re bedtime, he stays up late watching crap as I don't go up til after 11. I've tried and tried to do early bedtimes to address my problem but I end up staring at the ceiling thoughts racing for hours and have to get up anyway. I can't seem to fall saleep before 11.30 at the earliest. He doesn't like to go up before me even though I'm not bothered on the slightest.

OP posts:
Original poster
minxofmancunia · 14/04/2010 14:40

minipie he said he was horrified at himself but still acted all outraged when I had a go at him about it, I did SCREAM at him quite a lot though i was so bloody angry.

Then he did the same thing again 2 weeks later!!! He now sets his alarm on his phone for 5pm when he's at home in case he's doses off when he's supposed to be getting her. Although tbh if it were me finishing work at 4 rather than going home for half an hour THEN going for her I'd get her on the way home, it bugs me the way he does this. Get her on your way ffs.

OP posts:
Original poster
minxofmancunia · 14/04/2010 14:44

I am going to MAKE him do the GP, I'll have to book the appointment though, oh well small steps and all that.

Thanks for replies, off now to take ds swimming!

OP posts:
LindenAvery · 14/04/2010 14:46

Would like to add his symptoms do sound like sleep apnoea - and yes he does need to get this checked out by GP.

ImSoNotTelling · 14/04/2010 14:46

Being someone who likes/needs a lot of sleep is not an evil in itself. If he is doing lots of hard "working out" then he is probably tired.

In which case he needs to make sure that he goes to bed early so as to get the sleep he needs without putting anyone else out.

All of this viscious, non alarm using stuff is rubbish and he is def BU on all those scores.

NomDePlume · 14/04/2010 14:55

does he drive ? I'd be worried about this guy being in control of a car if he is prone to falling asleep at the drop of a hat.

I agree that it sounds like he may have sleep apnoea.

MrsShu asked if he was fat because overweight people or men with alarger collar size are MORE prone to sleep apnoea issues.

OP get him to see a GP and get a referral to his local Thoracic/Respiratory medicine service. They will probably send him from there for a sleep trial with the CPAP nurse/s and various oxygen saturation tests and if he does have apnoea he will be given a CPAP machine to keep his airways open at night (depending on the severity). If he doesn't have SA then the Thoracic Consultants will be able to help him in other ways

NomDePlume · 14/04/2010 14:56

Also if you are having treatment for Apnoea then you are obliged to inform the DVLA.

Acanthus · 14/04/2010 15:10

Exercise usually gives you more energy, rather than making you sleepy.

ImSoNotTelling · 14/04/2010 15:14

I find a lot of hard physical exercise makes me feel tired.

I suppose everyone is different though.

MrsShu · 14/04/2010 15:21

yes fgs
not jsut a general interest in his waist

octopusinabox · 14/04/2010 15:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ImSoNotTelling · 14/04/2010 15:33

Exactly octopus.

When I'm knackered I get an early night.

MintHumbug · 14/04/2010 15:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker · 14/04/2010 16:04

Well, I am struggling to get past the "nasty, vicious bastard" bit, tbh

And I have read your previous threads (sorry to bring them up...but I do feel they are massively connected)

I think he "naps" to opt out and to make sure (how consciously, I dunno) that family life continues to revolve around him and his "needs"

Selfish, very selfish

My DH is usually asleep in the armchair by 9pm. He is tired after early starts and physically-demanding job. He doesn't "insist" on it though, and if I nudge him he doesn't become vicious or nasty (a bit bleary, maybe)

This just sounds like such hard, hard work to (for you)

aliasdictus · 14/04/2010 16:12

Hi, is he overweight, does he snore and is his collar size more than 16 inches?

aliasdictus · 14/04/2010 16:16

Sorry, didn't see the second page where it's been covered, Doh!!!!

Lulumaam · 14/04/2010 16:24

i agree with anyfucker.

whether or not htere is something mediaclly wrong, two things jump out

your lives are goverened and are being ruined to some extent by his need for sleep

and

he is a nasty vicious bastard

not good on any level

why in gods name can an adult man not set his own alarm clock? if he has only kept his job becuase you wake him up, i don't know how you bear carrying him, an adult, through life

princessparty · 14/04/2010 17:37

My dad has had a problem like this all his life.He mentioned it in passing to the GP recently who asked him what his collar size was ! Aparently if you have a thick neck you are prone to sleep apnoea.he had a little device on his finger one night which recorded -who knows what!.When it was sent back to teh specialist he said he woke up on avearge 9 times an hour -which is classed as MILD sleep apnoea.He now wears a mask which increases the pressure of air when he is asleep and stops him waking up.he feels much better now then he ever has.

giveitago · 14/04/2010 17:56

Minx

My dh the same - the more he sleeps the less I can sleep -not on and I think it's depression - not mine but HIS. And it affects us.

Ok, my dh works long hours but so did I and when I was working part time with ds my hours were long and I do EVERYTHING at home so actually I do more then him. But he sleeps and the more he does, the less I do.

Is it depression.

Even now I'm a sahm mum for about a year it means I have NO childcare as we've had issues with him sleeping while 15 month old toddling around unsupervised - it informed the childcare I got for ds and even now at 4 years old I am alone in terms of looking after ds.

Not on. It's bloody abnormal? OK so your mil likes to sleep alot - we ALL do but many of us don't get the chance.

So why does your dh do it?

BeenBeta · 14/04/2010 18:42

minxofmancunia - folowing up what I said before. It is often the case that both people in a relationship suffer when one or other of the people in it have a sleep pattern problem or snore a lot.

Often it puts a strain on a relationship and many people end up at sleep disorder clinics where one person snores and the other just cannot take any more disturbed sleep and puts down an ultimatum to the snorer.

I suspect your insomnia may actually be due to many years of disturbed sleep with you and your DH's apnoea/snoring.

A few years ago when I was ill and snoring a lot I used to sleep apart form DW as I was waking her up.

I was going to suggest you try sleeping apart from DH just as an experiment for a week to see if you sleep better. Talk to DH before you do this so he does not get upset and hurt though.