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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect to take my full entitlement on divorce?

64 replies

commeuneimage · 13/04/2010 23:15

My husband thinks so and in a way he has a point. We were married over 20 years. Though we were still fond of each other it became like a brother/sister thing - no sex, separate interests... it broke down after he had an affair and we are divorcing.

In law I'm entitled to half of everything, no question. We have a fair bit to share out, more than either of us needs, due to my husband having worked hard and earned a lot during our marriage. I worked a bit, part-time, and brought up children and looked after the house. I was a good wife, but the wealth is all down to him.

Is it fair to take half in these circumstances? He will take it very hard if I do. But if I don't, I bet he'll remarry and the new wife will end up taking what should have been mine... I can't decide if morally I should settle for less or not.

I'd be interested in your views.

OP posts:
owlsa · 13/04/2010 23:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ameliameerkat · 13/04/2010 23:17

I'm with owlsa on this one.

thisisyesterday · 13/04/2010 23:18

yes, you should!

if you had gone back to work and earned as much money as him, you'd have BOTH had to pay out for childcare.

your job as a mother and wife is just as important as his was/is. is he really implying that being a mother and bringing up children is a job that is worth nothign? if so, why do nannies get paid so much?? hmmm

you should take what you are entitled to, and use it to give yourself a fabulous new life!

abouttoleave · 13/04/2010 23:18

I would not take half.
I speak from experience.I took very little

BitOfFun · 13/04/2010 23:19

Why would you take less than you are entitled to?

NonnoMum · 13/04/2010 23:21

Always thought that if I'd ever get divorced then I'd not want HIS money, and would stand on my own two feet (don't know why I thought this - celeb divorce nonsense perhaps).

But since I've joined the grown up world, think that woman should be repaid as well as possible for their commitment to the marriage.

You say you have kids. Take it for them and their inheritance if not for you. There's nothing to stop your exH from remarrying a woman with 10 kids and then have another 5 of their own. Think of safeguarding it for them if you are too proud (and/or modest) to take it for yourself.

Good luck with this next chapter of your life.

winnybella · 13/04/2010 23:21

Take half.
Definitely.
You took care of his children while he was working. You deserve it.

mumblechum · 13/04/2010 23:22

You should take half as an absolute minimum, and you may well be entitiled to more than half if your earnings capacity is still less than his.

If you haven't already seen a solicitor, you can find a family law specialist on www.resolution.org.uk.

Especially when it comes to things like pensions, you would regret it later on if you take less than a fair share now.

Original poster
commeuneimage · 13/04/2010 23:23

Thank you all - lovely quick replies.

Why did you take less, abouttoleave? Feeling you hadn't deserved it?

I must say, if it was the other way round I don't think my H would feel any compunction about taking it from me.

OP posts:
JustMyTwoPenceWorth · 13/04/2010 23:24

Take half.

Instead of spending those years working full time, working your way up the ladder in your own right and securing a good income, good savings and a good pension for yourself, you gave that up and invested in his career, in anticipation of sharing the rewards of that. You ran the house, so he didn't have to. You were primary carer, so he didn't have to - all the things you did so that his focus could be his work have entitled you to benefit from that.

I mean ok, you could have worked full time and employed a cleaner, cook and nanny but the decision to not do that was, I assume, a joint one.

So you walk away, after putting so much into the family. He's got the wealth that you helped him to earn and you don't have the career and wealth that you might have had.

You deserve half by way of compensation!

Thediaryofanobody · 13/04/2010 23:26

Don't devalue yourself you put just as much into the marriage you raised your children. I would take half, especially as the marriage ultimately ended because of his affair.

Silver1 · 13/04/2010 23:29

A marriage is a partnership- and so it should be divided as a partnership.
I agree that taking more than half rather than earning for yourself is perhaps a bit gauche, but by taking half you are taking away your half of the partnership.

You raised the children, in place of you he would have needed childcare 24/7, cleaners, housekeepers cooks, I'd imagine you lent support and encouragement during happier times. You made your own contribution financially by working PT, and you made a quantifiable contribution from all that you did during the marriage.

Twenty years is a long time of your life to commit even if you or he have decided to find solace from your misery in the arms of another, you can't take away the amount you put in for twenty years!

GlastonburyGoddess · 13/04/2010 23:29

morally think it depends on your specific situation-eg if you looked after the children when they were young, then got a job when they were older, I dont see why your any less entitled to it. If you never worked after the children were old enough, then I personally think no, morally your not as entitled.

I think you both need a long and detailed chat about your expectations etc tbh otherwise it could turn nasty

PILs are going through divorce at the moment and its proving sticky for both sets. one is having to take to court as she is dragging out so long-something to do with a pension or something, eg soon if the divorce isnt settled she'll be legally entitled to half of it. and the fact hes with PIL so court have sent forms asking for PIL assets- its bloody pathetic they havent even committed to each other in any way-they could split tommorrow so what the hell do her assests have to do with it.

Bellasformerfriend · 13/04/2010 23:32

Take what you feel is right - forget about him in this, his feelings are a side issue and a distraction. Personally, in the situation you describe, I would not take half but I would uphold any other womans right to take half and more if she felt that was right.

Taking more than you are comfortable with will leave you with a bad feeling about the whole thing, taking less will do the same.

The most important thing is that you take what you feel is right and then move on from it - once it is settled it is no longer yours so any new wife cannot take what is yours can she? Whilst I understand where you are coming from on that one you need to factor all that in now and then make you decision - and settle with that decision.

I would not take half automatically because I do not feel that I should be compensated for bringing up my children - whilst that may have been a joint decision on the surface it would not have changed if his opinion had been different - ie he did not really have any choice in it. For you that may have been different though, I don't know.

abouttoleave · 13/04/2010 23:33

because he built a very successful business and put me through university and he DEFINITELY worked a lot harder than I did . I did easy part time jobs . It would have felt morally very wrong for me. We are still friends.

eatsushi · 13/04/2010 23:38

to the OP I am sure this has already been mentioned, but you being the good wife enabled your husband to build up the wealth that he did - and ensure that he did not have to worry about child care - etc etc etc.

Go for half - it is only fair.

ilovemydogandmrobama · 13/04/2010 23:54

Half is the starting point!

You are speaking as if his wealth has nothing to do with you. .

foreverastudent · 14/04/2010 00:33

You'll need more than half to make up for loss of future earnings

make sure you get a share of his private pension, you'll need it more then him

and you should think about the financial impact on your kids (inheritance) if he remarries and/or has more kids, cushion yourself for this

Pronoia · 14/04/2010 00:36

he got to work full time because you were at home raising his kids, meaning he didn't have to cough up £300 a week for nurseries... you'd have had wealth if you hadn't been doing that instead of working full time

SolidGoldBrass · 14/04/2010 00:40

Look, take what a good solicitor tells you is fair (ie half). Your XH may well bleat that it 'can be sorted out amicalby without solicitors' - but what this invariably means from someone who is dumping you is 'SHut up and let me screw you over one more time, because I have dumped you and therefore I'm going to carry on putting my own interests above yours'.

JodieO · 14/04/2010 00:41

He couldn't have worked ft if he had to look after his own children, you did that. Can't see why you'd think otherwise, or anyone else........

alypaly · 14/04/2010 00:54

Take what you feel is morally right so that you have a settled conscience. I asked my ex to leave me and my home. And although my home was mine before we met...i gave my ex half of the profit on my house for the time that he was with me. It enabled him to set up with his own appartment without etting into debt, we are extremely amicable and there has never been any financial problems ,which can be the route of all evils.

I have a clear conscience and dont feel like a money grabber

JodieO · 14/04/2010 01:01

Why would taking half or more make anyone a money grabber?

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 14/04/2010 01:02

Well and it's not just that he would've had to pay for nurseries. If my husband didn't do the childcare that he does, I wouldn't be able to do the job that I do at all. A SAHP means the earner doesn't have to

  • take days off when their child is sick
  • leave on the dot because if they don't, nursery will close - even if you have a deadline
  • go in on a weekend to make a deadline
  • take out a client for dinner
  • travel for business
  • stay up all night with a poorly child even though there's an important meeting on first thing in the morning
  • come home with a pile of paperwork to catch up on, realise that you still have to make dinner for the kids and no-one has any clean knickers

To think of a SAHP's worth in terms of nursery costs is just false. A SAHP works 24/7, and the benefit to a working partner is immeasurable.

Bellasformerfriend · 14/04/2010 01:07

But that view would suggest that the SAHP is simply there for the benefit of the working parent when that is simply not the case. It is far more complex than just "he would have had to ...if you hadn't...".

I honestly hold that you can only do what you feel is right om a personal level, some people feel half or more is right, others don't. None of us can really say one is wrong or right just what they would do/feel.