to expect to take my full entitlement on divorce?

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My husband thinks so and in a way he has a point. We were married over 20 years. Though we were still fond of each other it became like a brother/sister thing - no sex, separate interests... it broke down after he had an affair and we are divorcing.

In law I'm entitled to half of everything, no question. We have a fair bit to share out, more than either of us needs, due to my husband having worked hard and earned a lot during our marriage. I worked a bit, part-time, and brought up children and looked after the house. I was a good wife, but the wealth is all down to him.

Is it fair to take half in these circumstances? He will take it very hard if I do. But if I don't, I bet he'll remarry and the new wife will end up taking what should have been mine... I can't decide if morally I should settle for less or not.

I'd be interested in your views.

Depends on how old your children are.

I would divide your physical assets into half (i.e house, property, savings etc) but I would not expect to be "kept" on top of that with additional monthly payments. Presumably you intend to get a job?

If you have dependent children, then obviously it's a different ballgame as your children will need looking after.

If you can sort things out amicably, then why bother with solicitors who will provoke a fight between you to increase their own fees.

I disagree with posts that say you are entitled to more than half. Why should you be entitled to more than half? I also disagree with posts that say that you are entitled to this because you looked after "his" children as if they were nothing to do with you. They are also your children. I'm not saying accept less than you deserve or need but I wouldn't go in all guns blazing, demanding your rights Heather McCartney fashion.

Lots of issues to consider, not all of them quantifiable.

your input to the family - financially & emotionally.
he has broken the trust, you are the 'innocent victim' of this.
how old & independent your children are.
how much you trust him to support the children if you don't take money now (which could be set aside for them)
your ability to support yourself now.

would you feel happier if a certain amount was set aside for the children, to be given to them when they reach a certain age/in the event of the death of one of you? yes, he earnt the money, but you were working together as a family. he has broken up the family, so all the old arrangements have to be renegotiated.

it also depends on what level you will each be able to live at, depending on how you split things, e.g. if you take half now, but no further payments, how would you live? what support do the children need (i'm assuming they're older, but college etc should be considered.) actually, you don't mention children, so that would change things.

there have been some celeb. divorces where the wife has argued successfully that she should get a % of ALL future earnings as she contributed towards his success.

i hate to say it, but he's either vv naive, thinking that he doesn't 'owe' you half, or he is trying to do a fast one.

The children are going through university so with luck will soon be independent.

Yes, I am lucky enough to have a job I like, but I'm earning less than 10% of what he earns.

I'm encouraged by so many of you thinking I'd be perfectly entitled not to negotiate. But Bella, you're right I think that ultimately I have to be comfortable with it.

He's supposed to be making some financial proposal tomorrow so I'll see what he comes up with...

See what he comes up with, and then see how you feel. If he has no compunction about taking half from you, I'm betting he'll come up with a poor deal, and then you will see the need for the 50:50 split.

He will go on earning 90% more than you do, the OW will be enjoying all of it...

It's not about thinking about your past together, it's about your future alone. It's about your DC future too. He could end up being one of those really shite exh that just turns his back on the entire first family, and ploughs everything into the new family. Then what would your fairness do to pay the bills and look after your family?

DON'T settle for less than your entitlement, you never know what will happen. He cheated on you, why should he get to trade you in at a bargain price?

Sorry to be so blunt, but you are looking at this with the Rose coloured specs on, all fair in love and war etc etc.

Sit back, see what he comes up with and then talk to your solicitor etc.

It's tough, really hard, but you have as much right to your half as he does to his. You worked bloody hard for it.

Take what you're comfortable with and what won't keep you awake at night but also somewhere close to what you're legally entitled to.

Personally, I took nothing when I left my EXH, apart from mine and my DD1's personal things. The difference is he had debts that I wanted no part of so I signed over the house/endowments etc in order to walk away debt free and quickly/easily. I'm pretty sure I would have done it differently if he hadn't run up so many debts. (his Dad paid them all of for him but wouldn't have if I had pursued the profit from our house).

If you don't take half and he goes on to have another family your own children will get less of the share. So you need to take it for your kids.

If you take less than half, then you enable him taking MORE than half. And why would that be fair?

Take your share and set it aside for your own children and grandchildren.

A friend of mine was in a similar situation to you. Or rather her mum was.

When her father died, he left behind a wife, and young children (my friends step siblings). Because my friend was a grown up child from his first marriage, he reckon she would not need so much, so inherited a symbolic sum, whereas the new wife and the kids inherited his entire (rather formidable) estate.

My friend said, I did not only lose my father and my kids lost their grandfather, I lost whatever contribution he would have made to our lives for the foreseable future, simply by him not being here and supporting us the way I have been used to. I can forget nice birthday presents for our kids, trips to his chalet in France, etc. Whereas my step mum and their kids are now abundantly rich.

Take half. If you dont think you need it, your kids and future grandkids just might!

o please. don;t be such a wet blanket. the wealth is down to both of you. How much would he have earned if he'd not had you to look after his children?!
Set a good example for your children - show them about gender equality, and about the equal worth of someone who goes out a brings home the bacon, and someone who cooks it.
girl power.

I should add, your husband is still able to provide a good income from himself, as I assume he is still working, and will continue to gather wealth.

But what about you?

If guilt/sense of fairness are making you question the 50/50 split, I would def sit down and work out a ballpark of where you would both be if you had worked full time. Look at the monetary value of the work you did at home and what that would be worth now if you had been paid it (wages for childcarer/housekeeper/gardener/cleaner/family secretary/nurse) and look at what you would have earned in a full-time role and been able to save for yourself, for your pension, and how much you would be earning until retirement based on career progression over the last x years. You might also consider the impact on hubby's career and thus earnings as someone mentioned - he never had to forego any opportunities or curtail time spent at work.

That should give you some idea of what the input to your marriage was worth. Is it anywhere near 50% of your husband's wealth? If it is you can stop worrying about it and point it out to him too. In terms of monthly allowances - this is where the potential earnings/pension you haven't got because SAHM's aren't paid comes in. Getting a job if you haven't worked for a decade or two might be pretty difficult so don't forego that on a point of principle. The continuing non-valuing of SAHM's labour is such a horrendous injustice - yes it's a privilege to do, yes you might actively want to do it, but it doesn't mean it's free!

By you staying at home and looking after his children and the house (or working part time round the kids) ..... you enabled him to work hard and earn lots of money. You are entitled to half, and that is why.

I agree with others when they say take what you are entitled to (or if it makes you feel better slightly less). I watched my parents divorce and my father attempted to fob my mother off with a fraction of the joint wealth because he felt that she hadnt contributed anything to it in term sof money. He failed to see that she had enbaled him to make the money by doing everything at home and with us, whilst he worked 7 days a week. She ended up with half and is now very glad that she did it, he is fine and still making lots of money!

You say that he will take it very hard if you take half - why is this? Is he like my father and considers all the money his own? To be honest, ten years down the line are you expecting to continue a nice friendly relationship with him? I doubt it, so what else have you got to lose when you've already lost your husband and marriage?

The wealth is not "down to him" you both did your part in ensuring that the circumstances were right for the money to be made, he went and actually earned it but your role enbaled him to do so. You have invested just as much time and energy into the last x numebr of year as he has, don't put yourself down!

If my dh and I split up, I would be in exactly your position. I gave up a very well paid job with an index-linked pension 21 years ago to stay at home and look after the children (this was very much a joint decision) while my dh pursued his career, working long hours and building up the majority of the wealth in his small family business. I have done everything I can to support him and the children (they have all needed a lot of support through the tough Belgian school system in a language that isn't their mother tongue) and I feel very strongly that that I would be entitled to half of what we have. I now work part-time (youngest dc is 10) but could never earn anywhere near what he does, even working full-time. In fact, even if I took half of what we have (we have no debts but no savings either so it would just be about the house) I would be in financial trouble in the future as I have no pension.

I agree with (almost) everyone here - you need to consider all the long-term implications of this.

when you are out of the workplace, raising children for several years, it can be v hard to get back in and earn what you would have if you'd not taken time out. Agree to nothing until you have discussed all consequences with your solicitor.

I would take everything I could get and I would do this, not because I am a grasping cow,but because I would be looking out for my childrens future. I KNOW I wouldn't put a new partner above them but you don't know what your husband will do. A new wife will owe your children nothing and nothing is what they are likely to get if you don't step up now and stake your claim. The last person whose feelings you should be considering is his as he clearly isn't playing fair by you!

Certainly consider what your position is regarding your pension, that's the one thing my mum wishes she'd claimed on. She's been paying vast amounts of her salary into her pension since they spilt up due to time lost not paying in when she was raising us (nearly 10 years). My Dad and his wife now live quite happily without either having to work full-time thank you very much

I agree that you need to protect the present and future quality of life for you and your children.

Agree completely with Gleeb. You have to have a massive amount in a pension pot now in order to give yourself enough pension to live on (I think £100,000 worth of contributions gives you an anual pension of £7000!). Don't know how old you are but you may not actually be able to put enough aside in the rest of your working life to provide this.

You have to be able to live with yourself - right now that may mean you giving up some £ in return for a more amicable split. However, when the dust settles, you will not be able to live with yourself if you realise your future and your ability to help the children the way you feel they need is compromised because you didn't hold out for your fair share. The time immediately after a split is very volatile and emotional and it's easy to make rash decisions in the heat of the moment.

Your children will not be independent for some time - university is expensive and they may not be able to afford to live alone for a while. What if you want to help them financially but can't afford to, while xdh can afford to but won't? What if you can't afford a home big enough to house them when they need a roof over their heads?

Listen to your solicitor, and try to be businesslike and rational. Part of the marriage vow is an agreement that 'all my worldly goods with thee I share'. This is as much a vow as any of the others you made and stuck to during your marriage.

Agree with what Mumblechum said but would just add that any agreement reached should be ratified (agreed) by the court. If you reach an agreement between you without having to go to Court on a contested financial hearing then the agreement should be incorporated into a Consent Order, which once approved by the District Judge will be legally binding.
The DJ when considering the Consent Order and financial information of the parties (income, capital assets, pension etc) will have to be satisfied that the agreement reached if fair and reasonable. If not, then he (or she) may refuse to approve the order. I've known this happen on several occasions.

If you are entitled then take it.
He had an affair! So I don't think you need to feel sorry for him whatsoever if you take your entitlement

My brother separated from his wife 2 years ago. He worked, she looked after their 3 kids for 8 years (gave up job as lawyer). They sold their beautiful family home, now she lives in a flat, he in a nice house. He just presumed that he shld get more of the money because he earned it all, she didn't put up a fuss because she was just so keen to get out of the marriage and thought it would be 'wrong'. She is struggling. The kids are unsettled and miss their old home.
If she was my sis and he my BIL I'd have told her are you MAD???? You are entitled to the family AND the money.
I love my bro, but it is wrong.

family HOME, not family!

good for you boyngirl.

I think you might need to speak to a solicitor - if you haven't already - my mum was in a similar situation but wasn't entitlesd to anywhere near half as they said it was her choice (after a point) to work part time as we were at school etc. They also said that everything Dad had achieved was down to him and as mum hadn't directly done anything to help him build up a buisness (he was employed) she wasn't entitled to that much really just a share of the house and pensions.

Maybe someone can give some figures

Say 500,000 for a house
30,000 every 5 years for a car
50,000 a year for you and children to live off - so that would need quite a big investment, anyone know how much?
Who pays for the children's education/ university. You don't know what the attitude of a new wife or partner might be so you should have enough to cover that.

etc etc

Anyway once you have a figure for what sum of money you need to live comfortably you can negotiate more safely.

I would take half and feel its definitely my entitlement. You supported him while he earned all that money.

I would have a clean break settlement (other than child maintenance if children are involved obviously) and not expect future support iyswim, but I would definitely take half.

Good Luck.

I would think about your own self respect, if you think you don't deserve half- i.e. if you had had a career, never met him etc would you be worse off or better off?

What financial position would you be in? Don't forget to think about pension.

Like wise if he had never met you what financial position would he be in if he had never met you?

I would ensure I had enough money to raise children and keep them in the lifestyle that they are accustomed to but personally- I would want to make a frsh start on my own 2 feet. If you what you seem to be an unfair ammount and take his money then you will still be his wife as he is still supporting you. However- I am a very self sufficiant person and quite stubbornly so.

Inheritance should not be split imho.