To think I deserve to be treated badly as it is my own fault I am fat?

[phoenixflower]

For years I have been what would be considered ?over weight? (since secondary school). I would now class myself as obese and my self-esteem and self-worth are at rock bottom.

I NEED to loose weight urgently as it plays on my mind every day and is always in my thoughts. It is getting to the stage where I feel embarrassed when people look at me as they must be thinking ?look how awfully fat she is?.

I am not lazy though, I am on the go all day and swim everyday. I just eat badly. I eat for comfort and snack and make all the wrong food choices.

I am struggling to see any value in myself as a person and just feel like I am worthless. It is getting to the point now where I wonder why on earth anyone would want to be my friend as I feel everyone sees the fat before they know me. Don?t get me wrong, I do have friends but every one of them is slim and I feel like I look like the odd one out. When they invite me out e.g. for coffee or shopping, I wonder why they are asking me as I feel they must be so embarrassed to be seen with me because I am so fat.

When I am treated badly, I accept it and feel that because I am fat these kind of comments are acceptable e.g. when we were at a service station, one of the chn wanted some food so I went up to the counter and the two lads behind the till made some sniggering comments. Recently, I was having a picnic in the park with the chn and a friend when a horrible little girl shouted across the park ?look at that fat cow. Yeah you, you big heffer?. I laughed it off but am utterly devastated. But then part of me says to myself that I deserve the comments as I am fat.

The worst part for me of being fat is my fat face. I see loads of fat people on tv on these weight loss style programs and none of them seem to have fat faces!! I can cope more with the body side, but having a fat face is awful.

My best friend met me after a swim yesterday at the gym and she made a comment ( innocently and without realising). She said ?I waved from the window but I didn?t think you?d seen, but then I saw you clambering out of the pool so I knew you had?. Clambering ? makes me feel like a beach whale!!

Sorry for the long post. I know it sounds really whiney but I don?t have anyone to talk to about it in real life. My thin friends don?t understand, they try and sympathise but they have no idea how I feel.

Do you think people would respect me more if I was thin? I think I would respect myself more. Not really sure what I am asking, but surely it?s not unreasonable for people to treat me worse when I am fat ( part of me thinks it is as I have just as much right as anyone else to be treated with respect) but part of me thinks that I let myself get fat so have to live with the comments.

I think being fat and the issues it brings are a vicious cycle.

You feel bad so you eat. You eat and then feel bad.

Of course you do not deserve to be treated badly because you are fat and no one should be critical of you.

You do sound like you have esteem issues which you need to address.

How do you present yourself? There are so many 'larger' ladies out there who have fab hair and nails and clothes and attitudes and just embrace their size.

If you are wearing elasticated trousers and an old tshirt and have tatty hair then you will not feel good about yourself.

I do feel for you though.

What a terribly sad post.

If I were you I'd go and see your GP and ask for some help in losing weight - do you realistically know how much you have to lose?

And you know really that people who make horrid comments are just ignorant and have a lot more problems than you do.

Do you need the repect from people who are so fickle as to not respect you for your size. You should lose wait if you want it not because of others reactions to you.

Nobody, but nobody has the right to treat you badly.

Weight not wait-I'm not with it today

You don't sound whiney. It is unreasonable for people to treat you differently because of your weight.

I have to tell myself this as I struggle with my weight, it's very much a yo yo. When I am at my biggest (size 20ish) people react differently to me than when I am a size 14. I feel like people think I am lazy, greedy etc. I have to consciously counteract in my mind with positive thoughts eg, I'm kind, a good mum etc or else I come home and feel like crying, or else don;t go out in the first place.

I haven't really got any helpful advice but you are not alone in feeling like this. People can be so cruel.

I could have written your post OP. That's exactly how I feel about myself on an hourly basis. So I have no advice to give; I'd be taking it myself if I had, but have a comradely hug. You're not the only person to feel like this if that's any comfort at all, which it won't be, I know.

Just to add, I went to my normally wonderful GP and she was worse than useless over this. Try yours OP, and you might have more luck. x

YABU

I found it so much easier to lose weight once I felt better about myself. Often if you are overweight food is a very emotional thing. Deal with the triggers and it can be a lot easier to get out of that pattern. I lost 3 stone quite quickly and easily after getting rid of the major source of stress in my life. Still overweight but nowhere near as bad (and now pregnant so not dieting at mo).

Most people treat you better if you have a high level of self confidence regardless of whether you are fat or thin. Rude people will always find something to be rude about.

You have low self esteem - so what have you done to try and sort it out?

Sorry that sounds harsh but you need to start doing something about it or nothing in your situation is going to get better. If you don't like your life then take responsibility and change it. It's not always easy but it is possible.

You nearly made me cry. You are a person with feelings like everyone else and of course you should respect yourself!!!

The cruelty of people is terrible it's just a form of mindless bullying that has always gone on I'm afraid.

Try listening to the Paul Mckenna CD and or get his books they are good for altering your mindset; it's worth a try.

Please love yourself, you are the same as anyone (lots of people eat junk and are skinny !!). Lots of luck!!

I think I know how you feel. I am overweight and have the same feelings of low self worth.

Having said that, I know my weight issues are not a reflection of my personality and values.

I have huge mother issues which have led me to where I am. I know some people are able to go on a diet, lose the weight and I admire them. for me, it runs much deeper. I know what i should be eating and how. It just isn't that simple.

I hope you can find some help with this. You are seem like a nice person. I agree with what everyone else has said, you do not deserve to be judged by your weight.

Traceybath is right. GPs can help with weight loss and in my experience, if you go to a GP you like and trust, there will be no judging.

Unmumsnetty hugs.

how terribly sad. is there more to it than being overweight - just wondering if you've been badly treated at school/by family/men, you seem, somehow, so resigned to it. I've been fat for a few years now (am finally doing something about it) - although I do feel different about myself at 15 stone, and somehow feel less visible somehow, and yes, I loathe my double chin, I really don't find it rules my life/friendships/public life......

I would have a look on the health or on the dieting boards - there are various threads on there supporting weight loss and/or healthy eating - see if you can find some like minded souls to talk weighy issues through with.

I was the same as you, up until about six years ago.

I was very, very overweight, a size 22/24 and 22 years old and miserable. Inhad nasty comments all the time.

My 'friend' visited me one Christmas. She had always been patronising and condecending (because fat people are obviously thick too) and always spoke to me in a baby voice for some reason, like I was too fat amd dumb to be spoken to like a normal human being. Anyway, she bought me a cd for Christmas. When she did she grabbed my stomach, SHOOK it and said "i would Have got you a box of chocolates as well, but just look at that!"

I cried for days. It was the straw that broke the camels back for me, and I was a size 10 the time the next Xmas came around.

But you know what, I am still worthless in her eyes. She still talks down to me. It had far less with me bing fat amd more to do with her being a nasty little cow. (am only in touch with her sporadity and only because she was the only friend who didn't dump me when I had ds. She dotes on him and he adores her).

btw had to go and see the practice nurse about diet due to high cholesterol - and she was fantastic. a great source of info, pleasant, down to earth - it might be that the practice nurse is better than the GP at this sort of thing.

Noone deserves to be treated badly. Let me put it to you from the other side. I have pretty much always been a size 14 before children. Always thought of myself as fat. After both my pregnancies, I put on a lot of weight, getting to a size 18-20. Losing weight, especially when you already feel bad about yourself is hard. Ime, the only way you will succeed is when you truly have had enough. I had my moment in October last year, and I am now 5 stone lighter and size 8-10. The difference in the way people treat me now is unbelievable and makes me sad for them to be honest. Yes, I am absolutely happier and more confident in myself now. But people find it very difficult to adjust if you have always been their 'fat friend' and I have lost a few friends in the last few months as it turns out they just aren't nice people. Women are just odd about weight. WHen I was fat I made it OK for them to have cake. Now I'm not, I am like an embodiment of their guilt, and some of them quite literally tried to force me to eat cake, saying i was no fun. There is nothing fun about cake fgs.
What a ramble. My point is, if you are ready to lose weight, it can be done. But do it for yourself. As you lose weight, you will gain confidence, and it will become VERY obvious who your real friends are. My life is much happier now I'm not constantly worried about being judged for my size, and now I have these negative people out of my life. I won't say it doesn't hurt, one of the friends who just can't deal with my weight loss I considered my best friend. She went on a diet when I did and couldn't stick to it. She absolutely resents that I could

"a horrible little girl shouted across the park ?look at that fat cow. Yeah you, you big heffer?."

don't you just love the way our dc are being brought up these days? Keep reading so many posts on MN lately about how downright nasty people can be for no reason at all. No, you do not deserve it, no one does. Politeness, kindness, a modicum of basic manners ae something I'd hope everyone acquires in childhood but apparently not. Our world is really quite harsh and ugly and I am afraid that if you are noticably overweight you are an easy target.

I don't know how you can lose the weight now if you have been carrying it with you for a long time and have an active lifestyle already - but it can be done. Deep down you know that, if you have certain eating habits now, they can be changed. But maybe you need some support with it - have you considered Weight-watchers or soemthing like that?

Can you get there in little steps? Change one thing about your food intake, then another, then another etc?

Feel for you, sounds horrible getting that kind of nastiness simply because of your body shape.

Oh Phoenixflower, you sound so down.

You are not sad because you are overweight, you are sad because you are not doing something about it.

I think Tracey is right, go to the GP and see what they can do to help you. You sound like you are physically fit, with all the swimming.

YOu need to see yourself as important enough to take care of. You are worthy of the effort a healthy eating regime needs, you need to nurture yourself.

FWIW, I don't think your friend was making any comment on your size with the "clambering" comment. I think you are so low at the moment that you are seeing insults everywhere.

If you can make the time to get some help to sort out your eating then that would give your confidence such a boost. Believe me, I completely understand how difficult that is.

I think everyone clambers out of a pool tbh.

YABU to think that you deserve to be treated badly because you are fat. YANBU to think that the only person who is in control of your weight is you, and the only person who can change it is you. But whilst you feel so bad about yourself, you lack the power to change things. Would tend to agree with the other poster about the Paul McKenna book, I have read it and think it's very good. You need to work out why you feel so shit about yourself, and I don't think it can possibly be entirely because of your weight. Also would recommend Benjamin Fry's book, 'What's Wrong With You', or even (if you can afford it) going to see Benjamin Fry himself. I have done and found it exceptionally helpful.

"Do you think people would respect me more if I was thin? I think I would respect myself more."

No, I don't think they would respect you more if you were thin. I think they would respect you more if YOU respected you more.

Justallovertheplace - I agree totally.

I lost so many friends when I wasn't the fat one anymore. The nasty one who I spoke about In my post was never fat, but always a size 12/14, which next to me looked tiny and made her feel great. All her other firends were skinny as rakes, so she was so insecure.

When I lost weight, she did too, now everytime she sees me, I see her looking me up and down for any sign of weight returning. I was on seriods for a while last year and breifly gained ten pounds. The look on herface was on of pure glee, even thouh inwas pretty sick and didn't give a monkeys about weight.

I'm not sure why you've posted in AIBU. I'm think (hope) you realise that nobody deserves to be ridiculed in the way you've described.

Have you thought about joining a slimming group/club? You may find this helpful for encouragement, support and advice when things get difficult. You will probably find the people there are a range of sizes, but all will have the same goal in mind.

Only you can do this.
Throw out all non healthy foods you have at home and start today, now, not tomorrow.

Tell your friends how you feel too, I'm sure they'll be supportive.

Ah lola, hold my hand
The 2 friends I considered my best friends had only known me since I had ds, so to them I always had been a size 20. They were both size 14, which to me did look tiny. I would lend them my pre pregnancy clothes I had put away and just despaired that I would never fit again. I have given all those clothes to the charity shop since as they are too big
The funny thing is, since i have lost my weight, they have both put it on. One friend in particular has gone up to an 18 and I can see it makes her desperately unhappy, and has had a real knock on her confidence.

god phoneix oyu do sound hackd off. i think that the fact that you are always htinking i need to do it and lose it is only ONE stpe away from teh day you wake up and think " right lets go! " and only you can choose that day.

try and think of something you really want to wear, remember the first week will be tough, but then as you see results you will get motivated. set yourself mini goals and rewards, DONT TELl everyone - keep it to yourself and wait for people to notice.

good luck mate

..so yes agree with LeQ

What I will say though OP, is to try and sort out the head stuff before trying to lose weight. I had terrible pnd and anxiety after having my son, which I do believe was made worse by how I felt about my size. I really don't think it's coincidence that I went to the GP last september when my anxiety wsa completely out of hand, I got referred, put on medication and felt normal again. The very next month I started losing weight, becuase I felt better about myself.
I am now medication free and very happy