To think I deserve to be treated badly as it is my own fault I am fat?

[phoenixflower]

For years I have been what would be considered ?over weight? (since secondary school). I would now class myself as obese and my self-esteem and self-worth are at rock bottom.

I NEED to loose weight urgently as it plays on my mind every day and is always in my thoughts. It is getting to the stage where I feel embarrassed when people look at me as they must be thinking ?look how awfully fat she is?.

I am not lazy though, I am on the go all day and swim everyday. I just eat badly. I eat for comfort and snack and make all the wrong food choices.

I am struggling to see any value in myself as a person and just feel like I am worthless. It is getting to the point now where I wonder why on earth anyone would want to be my friend as I feel everyone sees the fat before they know me. Don?t get me wrong, I do have friends but every one of them is slim and I feel like I look like the odd one out. When they invite me out e.g. for coffee or shopping, I wonder why they are asking me as I feel they must be so embarrassed to be seen with me because I am so fat.

When I am treated badly, I accept it and feel that because I am fat these kind of comments are acceptable e.g. when we were at a service station, one of the chn wanted some food so I went up to the counter and the two lads behind the till made some sniggering comments. Recently, I was having a picnic in the park with the chn and a friend when a horrible little girl shouted across the park ?look at that fat cow. Yeah you, you big heffer?. I laughed it off but am utterly devastated. But then part of me says to myself that I deserve the comments as I am fat.

The worst part for me of being fat is my fat face. I see loads of fat people on tv on these weight loss style programs and none of them seem to have fat faces!! I can cope more with the body side, but having a fat face is awful.

My best friend met me after a swim yesterday at the gym and she made a comment ( innocently and without realising). She said ?I waved from the window but I didn?t think you?d seen, but then I saw you clambering out of the pool so I knew you had?. Clambering ? makes me feel like a beach whale!!

Sorry for the long post. I know it sounds really whiney but I don?t have anyone to talk to about it in real life. My thin friends don?t understand, they try and sympathise but they have no idea how I feel.

Do you think people would respect me more if I was thin? I think I would respect myself more. Not really sure what I am asking, but surely it?s not unreasonable for people to treat me worse when I am fat ( part of me thinks it is as I have just as much right as anyone else to be treated with respect) but part of me thinks that I let myself get fat so have to live with the comments.

No, no one deserves to be treated badly due to their size. YABU my lovely.

I think perhaps seeking some counseling to help you work through your struggles with low self esteem and also seeing your GP about a weight loss programme (when you're ready) are the right way to go.

People who judge you purely by how you look are shallow and would you really want to be friends with them?

Update your wardrobe with some pieces that compliment your size, get your hair and nails done and buy a nice pair of shoes and a bag. You'll feel better for it. I shop in Evans as I find their clothes compliment my figure better for example.

Sending you a huge hug lady x

I think you have to be in a place where you see dieting/healthy eating as something worth the effort, that you are worth an effort.

I have never been super slim, always had to watch my diet and have never been a fan of exercise. After my DC I had a lot to lose and took up running (which made anyone who knew me laugh their socks off), I did a 5km run for charity and the feeling of accomplishment was such a boost, I then went on to lose 2 stone. I felt so proud that I had done something so out of my comfort zone, so unexpected. It boosted my self esteem no end.

Just because you are overweight doesn't mean that you are unworthy or deserve nasty comments. That says more about the people delivering the comments, I'd never comment on someone's big nose/bony ass/lack of breasts, why would they feel able to comment on my jellybelly?

I'm a fellow so called "big girl", I recognise those feelings and agree it IS so hard. Sometimes everything can see a minefield - plane seats, wobbly chairs (will I break them?), fairground rides, squeezing between chairs in a busy restaurant, etc, etc....

I've just read this book, and it quite revelatory on how the overavailability of hyperstimulating foods we face in the current world is so hard for certain personality types to resist. It does give some tips for rewiring the brain and changing habits. I haven't had a chance to try and put them in practice yet.

I would agree that parts of society is really sizeist. I've heard many comments to the effect of "why can't they just eat less". Articles like this about Dawn French don't help. Although Amanda Platell's tone is initially supportive, she ultimately thinks it's Dawn's fault that the marriage split up "by apparently refusing to tackle her ballooning weight". It's just not that simple to change habits.

What I do know from the past that it IS possible but NOT EASY to lose weight. For me the two things which actually worked in the past were

a) joining a group.The one that worked for me was similar to Rosemary Conley. They were very supportive b) writing down everything that I ate. That way you can't cheat or go down a slippery slope.

Good luck and let us know how you get on.

Please bear in mind that although you may want to lose weight, those posters who say make the most of yourself now are absolutely right. My best friend is a size 20-22 and is absolutely gorgeous. Lovely hair, nails, make-up and is so confident with her clothes and accessories that it makes me every time I see her. She is honestly one of the loveliest people I know, personality and looks.

Much of it is wrapped up in self-esteem and how you feel about yourself - it sounds trite but is so true.

You need more Chutzpah Have a look at some of the above average ladies in these photos from ladies day at Aintree, they look amazing: www.telegraph.co.uk/fashion/fashionpicturegalleries/7571883/Ladies-Day-fashions-at-Aintree-Racecours e-in-pictures.html?image=5

Treat yourself x

Sleepinglion is so right, start pampering yourself now. Haircut, facepacks, pedicure/manicure anything. Dress for your size, don't hide yourself away.
Anything that makes you feel and look better will make you feel more confident.

I really need to take my own advice, my roots need doing, my feet are a mess and I need to defuzz

Hey Phoenix, a hug from another big girl - whatever else you say about us, we give great cuddles!

I've put on 2 stone in the last year due to comfort-eating after splitting up with my ex. I know the mental beatings we administer to ourselves.

I'm reading all the advice here and have ordered some of the books recommended. I've no great advice to impart - if I did, I'd be thinner myself!

All I want to say is, why not give yourself a break from feeling bad? Just for today, pretend you are at your ideal weight. How does it feel different? Do you hold yourself differently? Smile at people more? Wear lipstick? Whatever it is, do it, for today at least. If someone makes a dig, imagine that they're talking about your hair colour, and give them an incredulous look. You're free to feel bad again tomorrow, if you want - just try this little thought experiment today.

Oh, and I agree that everyone clambers out of a pool. Olympic athletes clamber out of pools. There's just no graceful way to get up those little stairs. I'm delighted that you're out there in the pool. The worst mistake is to avoid doing things because you're conscious of your size. That's just soul-destroying.

Hello Phoenix - couldn't let this pass without comment, you sounded so sad...

I have always been overweight, ranging from 18 stone on my wedding day (you can imagine what I thought of the pictures - I cried for ours) to nearly 5 stone lighter (I'm 5 foot 8). What finally helped me lose weight was gaining some self-respect. Various life changes meant that for the first time in years I was truly happy and content, and I suddenly though, by Jove, I deserve to feel good about myself! And that was that. That Christmas I partied in a tight wrap dress at a cool nightclub (this from a woman who had never danced and had worn size 24 trackie bottoms).

I've recently gained 20lb and have tried to lose it, but because that crucial change of mind/heart hasn't happened, it's just not coming off. I cannot lose weight until I am mentally ready.

FWIW I found SW worked for me as I have an insatiable appetite, but I know it's different strokes for different folks...

Also FWIW what everyone said about making the most of yourself now is SO true. When I was a size 22/24 people routinely thought I was a size 16. This is because I put an immense amount of thought and effort into my clothes (a lot of them hand-made), and fooled the eye with massive hair, vintage accessories, etc.

Look after yourself, I suppose is the general point I am making! You absolutely deserve to feel good, and as soon as you start that, I reckon you'll be able to take control of your eating. Shedloads of luck to you, old thing.

ours hours! Dammit!

And about the swimming thing - when I was at my lightest last year I swam a lot. One day, a group of schoolkids aged about 8 or 9 were waiting to go into the pool. Although I was about a size 14 on average my bum and thighs were (and are), trust me, absolutely gigantic and resembling a large portion of suet pudding with a garnish of cottage cheese. The kids went silent when I went passed, someone muttered something, and they all burst out laughing. I turned to look over my shoulder and they were very definitely laughing at me. I was so mortified I have not been swimming since, and I also stopped using my bike. It was then I started to gain weight again because I had lost confidence. Just one demonstration of the importance of self-esteem!

teaandcake - I love that photo of the lady at Aintree - particularly the way she is enjoying a pint. A girl after my own heart.

Poor you, Phoenix .

Lots of good advice here about the weight thing. For clothes and stuff, what about Gok?
Is there anything you could do to make yourslef feel better? New haircut, do a course, learn a new skill... What are you good at? If you feel better you might find it easier to lose weight.

Nobody has the right to make you feel bad about yourself.

FWIW whenever I've been swimming sice having DS1 4 1/2 tears ago I've have to wear my maternity cossie. Nobody looks good in swimsuits unless they are models and very tanned. Most of us are various sorts of wobbly.

Bless you OP - you do sound so down.

Ther is some ;ovely advice on here - as per usual LizzyLou has some kind advice and also LeQ

You do sound more bound up with crippingly low self esteem though tnh, as well as unhapy abpout your weight. You do need to address that - or you could well bei n the situation where you lose weight, end up a size 10 and still feel full of self loathing.

I think it would be a good idea to go and see your GP - both about the weight loss and the self esteem. It may well be worth finding a sympathetic therapist and trying to talk through these issues. Because I think you are so down you are seeing insults when they are not there - I am sure your best friend meant nothing horrible by the clambering comment (I bet Kate Moss clambers out a pool, you can't get out a pool graciously).

You may need to learn a few 'tricks'. I also have low self esteem, I am far from fat, as am size 10, and am fit from running. However I still look at my tummy n the mirror and despair that it's not flat. To be honest it could look like Elle Mac[herson's and I would probably still be critical. However, very few people know how critical I am of myself as I never allude to it. I always 'act' really confident and self assured (it is all an act truly, I still think deep down I am a twat) and also never crticise myself in front of others. So never say 'oh god look at my fat tummy'. If you say that about yourself you are giving license to others to think it.

Poor you OP you do sound so unhappy, but well down for taing the first step on here to find help.

(Sorry for crap typingm, haven't got contac ts in and am about 4 uinches from lapop screen, squinting)

I'm really sad/angry that there are people treating you like this. It is no-one's business but yours what shape you are, and don't let anyone make you feel differently!

Whether or not you believe that this is the weight you will always be at, can I suggest looking into some of the Fat Acceptance/Health At Every Size groups out there? Because even if you do feel that your natural size is smaller than this and want to change it, you are still a wonderful, worthwhile person who deserves to be loved exactly as you are.

And what's important is health, not weight. If you feel unhealthy, make changes in that regard.

Have a quick read of the Shapely Prose writers, for a start.

SalAShus - I spent ages going through the 29 photos. Some of the ladies look awesome. Funnily enough the skinny ones I think, don't look anywhere near as good

Maybe what you should do is keep a food diary for a week or two. Write down what you eat, how much, when, and why. It could be that there are emotional triggers that cause you to eat (e.g., horrible comment from nasty person, eat whole bowl of pasta with cheese). It sounds very much like this is emotional over-eating. Then, once you have a better idea of why you eat and when, you can start tackling this (so when horribly nasty person makes a comment, you think "hell no. That's their problem. I'm just going to ignore it and not eat a bowl of pasta and cheese").

I find that I make excuses all the time to eat crap, and had a friend at uni who did all the same. She was having a really difficult time in her final year, and every day she would say "I've had a rubbish day. I'm going to have a take away", and would then work her way through a massive takeaway, again, not realising she'd done exactly the same thing the day before.

I understand totally, but YABU- noone has the right to treat you badly just because of a few extra pounds- that reflects more on them than it does on you. I'd rather have a bit of fat than be that kind of person- they must have their own insecurities to behave like this.

I have always battled with my weight, so I have no magic answers. After I had dd1, though, I was huge and I hated it. You really do have to make that mental jump wher you say to yourself "I am not happy like this, and I will change it" as others have said, self-belief that you can change it is imperative. With each pound that comes off, you will feel more and more empowered. The hardest bit is starting. I lost 5 stone, and although the odd half stone goes on and off, I've never been that size again, as I know how miserable it made me.

You sound like a really lovely person, and I'm sure you can do this. You deserve to be happy

Are you kind? Trustworthy? Funny? Clever? Weight is NOT who you are, and you need to work really hard on getting over the fixation that it is. I wasted years of my life doing this.

Think about the people you like and admire and why you do - I bet it's got bugger all to do with their size.

I am short and small framed and have been every size from 8 to 16. I have been suicidally miserable and thin, and ecstatically happy when I've been fat, and vice versa. These days I tend to be about a size 12 (BMI 24/25), I eat much more healthily and enjoy exercise now as I have realised it's all BS and my weight does not reflect who I am, or dictate how happy I am or what I am allowed to feel.

You can be a good person at any size and the sooner people start to realise that the happier we will all be. And the people who feel the need to make snide comments are to be pitied as there is something lacking in them that they feel the need to try and hurt you. I know how much it hurts (if I had a pound for every insult I'd be a rich woman) but you need to try and think about it from that perspective.

I do think you sound a bit oversensitive to what people say, "clambering" is what everyone does! And surely your friends wouldn't say anything to hurt you - if you think they would, are they really friends?

For vanity purposes, yeah, I would like to be slimmer, but IT DOESN'T MATTER. And your size doesn't mean you can't look good, I see loads of big women who look bloody fantastic.

Please go treat yourself to something lovely, get some perfume and a new outfit and start living your life NOW. Make a list of all the things you'd do if you woke up skinny tomorrow, and start doing them now.

Trust me, if you died tomorrow the people that love you would not be saying "what a shame she never fitted into size 14 trousers".

I know how hard it is to break out of this way of thinking, it took me many years, but I am so much happier (and healthier)now. Maybe one day I will be slim, maybe I won't, but you know what, it actually doesn't matter at all. I would rather be a size 20 and happy than a size 6 and miserable (look at Cheryl Cole! wouldn't swap with her for quids).

Sorry for the rant but this always hits a nerve with me! I wish that people could use the energy they waste on stressing about weight to do something nice instead.

Just to clarify, my comment about Cheryl Cole - I don't mean she's miserable cos she's slim, I mean she's miserable cos her husband slept with other girls. Skinny-bashing really annoys me (I have been on the receiving end a couple of times - though not recently! - and it doesn't feel nice), your body does not determine your happiness or worth.

Ladies, I cannot even begin to tell you how much reading your responses has meant to me. I honestly didn't think I would get anywhere near as many I have done.

Thank you for the words of encouragement, you have had me in floods of tears but it has been lovely to read your responses and has made me feel better and that I am not all alone. So thank you.

And in response to TotalChaos ? I think problems from secondary school have added to the problem. I was awfully bullied at secondary school by a horrible group of girls in my class. Worst part was, I wasn?t even that fat then and the leader of the girl of bullies was much fatter than me! The bullying started in my first week at secondary school and only stopped when my year group head moved me to a different class just before Christmas.

There have been lots of lovely suggestions on here and I am going to follow lots of your advice. Going to start by keeping a food diary so I can identify eating triggers etc before so if I go to the GP, I am armed with a food diary etc. And I am going to follow NicknameTaken?s suggestion of imagining I am thin for a day ( not today but could try it tomorrow! )

Phoenixflower - pleased to see you are feeling a bit more positive now

Rockbird - I pictured you as thin - possibly a bit too thin - it must be your 'name' Rockbird

ChippingIn, I love you Even if you are completely wrong, I still love you.

Actually, in my head I am thin, I love sports and am reasonably good at skating/tennis/badminton etc and I really like the idea of running although have never done it. I just can't bloody do them without threat of dying so it's easier to sit on the sofa

Phoenixflower - NOBODY has the right to treat you badly honey. And those that do are just plain ugly on the inside.

Go to your GP but I would also ask about slimming world vouchers which you can get from your GP. That way you can try it and see if it works for you without costing you anything. The great thing about it is you can eat loads of certain types of food so is perfect for those with a big appetite. And it works - there are people in my group that have lost 8 stone in a year. One bloke has lost 3 stone in about 10 weeks.

And the group support is great - the people there know how you feel and have been there or are there themselves.