To think I deserve to be treated badly as it is my own fault I am fat?

[phoenixflower]

For years I have been what would be considered ?over weight? (since secondary school). I would now class myself as obese and my self-esteem and self-worth are at rock bottom.

I NEED to loose weight urgently as it plays on my mind every day and is always in my thoughts. It is getting to the stage where I feel embarrassed when people look at me as they must be thinking ?look how awfully fat she is?.

I am not lazy though, I am on the go all day and swim everyday. I just eat badly. I eat for comfort and snack and make all the wrong food choices.

I am struggling to see any value in myself as a person and just feel like I am worthless. It is getting to the point now where I wonder why on earth anyone would want to be my friend as I feel everyone sees the fat before they know me. Don?t get me wrong, I do have friends but every one of them is slim and I feel like I look like the odd one out. When they invite me out e.g. for coffee or shopping, I wonder why they are asking me as I feel they must be so embarrassed to be seen with me because I am so fat.

When I am treated badly, I accept it and feel that because I am fat these kind of comments are acceptable e.g. when we were at a service station, one of the chn wanted some food so I went up to the counter and the two lads behind the till made some sniggering comments. Recently, I was having a picnic in the park with the chn and a friend when a horrible little girl shouted across the park ?look at that fat cow. Yeah you, you big heffer?. I laughed it off but am utterly devastated. But then part of me says to myself that I deserve the comments as I am fat.

The worst part for me of being fat is my fat face. I see loads of fat people on tv on these weight loss style programs and none of them seem to have fat faces!! I can cope more with the body side, but having a fat face is awful.

My best friend met me after a swim yesterday at the gym and she made a comment ( innocently and without realising). She said ?I waved from the window but I didn?t think you?d seen, but then I saw you clambering out of the pool so I knew you had?. Clambering ? makes me feel like a beach whale!!

Sorry for the long post. I know it sounds really whiney but I don?t have anyone to talk to about it in real life. My thin friends don?t understand, they try and sympathise but they have no idea how I feel.

Do you think people would respect me more if I was thin? I think I would respect myself more. Not really sure what I am asking, but surely it?s not unreasonable for people to treat me worse when I am fat ( part of me thinks it is as I have just as much right as anyone else to be treated with respect) but part of me thinks that I let myself get fat so have to live with the comments.

Rockbird

Maybe I should change my name to chippinginslimbird..

Phoenixflower
I read your post with tears in my eyes. You sound so down and so lonely. But just as LeQueen said, people lose weight when they hear that lick in their head and suddenly they start making small changes in their eating and exercise habits. Perhaps posting here, hearing the support your are getting but knowing that you are very unhappy with the way you feel / look / are perceived will be the push you need. I hope so. Why not try to cook something healthy for your tea...nothing complicated, just a bowl of pasta with some veggies (frozen peas, peppers, tomatoes, sweetcorn etc) chucked in tinned tomato pasta sauce but no cheese on top. There's a healthy meal to get you startede. Today. Qfterwards, have a couploe of pieces of fruit or a yoghurt or one biscuit. Then for breafast tomorrow, try a bowl of cereal with semi skimmed milk. You will be two meals into a new eating regime within 12 hours. It is possible. Can you walk to collect your DC from school rathzer than taking the bus or driving? Try to walk for 20 mins this evening. It is a gorgeous day. It only takes little steps to make a big difference if you start now and keep it up. You are not going to lose 2st in 2 weeks or anything ridculous like that. But you can lose 2-4 lbs this week. And next week.

Please try it. And report back. e are here to give you recipes and moral support and count the pounds as they come off.

Good luck.

I have been very overweight for years & decided a few years ago to seek help from my GP. Her unhelpful answer was to join Weight Watchers or Slimming World.

I had done both before & they had not helped much, so her response was quite abrupt for something that had taken me a long time to build up the courage to ask for help.

I restarted WW & I managed to lose a bit more weight, but after a while it just stayed the same. I changed GP's and then built up the courage to ask for help & advice into losing weight again. I was then given numerous blood tests for thyroid, cholesterol etc. After the results came back, I was started on a course of tablets which helped me lose a fair bit of weight & I dropped 2 dress sizes.

Unfortunately the tablets have since been withdrawn due to safety issues, but they did wonders for my self confidence, as I was able to lose weight again.

Since then the weight has slowly begun to creep up again, but this is a good thing, as it's due to pregnancy (completely unexpected due to fertility issues). They seem to think that the weight loss has given my fertility levels a boost.

putting aside the OP's personal situation and the good advice give here -

it's an interesting question about "fault" ... don't we all judge people for their handling of situations we perceive to be within their control? For anyone who has listened to a friend of family member complaining about their weight, and then proceeding to comfort eat huge quantities, it can be difficult to be sympathetic year after year.

Same for people who say they want to turn their lives around and get a new job or relationship, but then do nothing about it. Is it wrong that we might then look upon their unhappy situation as "their fault"?

everyone should be treated with equality and respect, but clearly that is not the case.

I forgot to mention, that even though I am classed as obese, I have still managed to work my way up to brown belt in kickboxing & mixed martial arts, and I was due to take my black belt this year (postponed due to pregnancy).

Chandelina - that's what I found so interesting about the End of Overeating book I posted a link to earlier.

The problem is that our brains are predisposed through evolution to like fatty, salty and sugary food. It's only been in the last 20-30 years that there has been such an abundance of such food available.

What seems to be happening is that people who have a super high disposition to these triggers are overexposed to constant temptation and find it hard to beat the hardwired compulsion to succumb (we apparently act just like lab mice who go crazy for junk food once exposed to it, almost like a drug user or alcoholic)

The book looks at the tricks the food industry employs to seduce us into eating more and more - and although written from a US perspective, I can see many parallels here. The argument goes that we need to retrain our brains to stop the cycle.

I can see that it must be frustrating from a thin person's perspective when they see people are stuck in a pattern of overeating. I believe the pattern can be overcome but it is not easy to reprogramme ingrained habits.

Phoenix, sorry you feel so sad

I agree with Riven tho, the self esteem could be as low if you were a size 6?

my aunt has always been clinically obese. love her to pieces and she has always had a very sociable, fun life. However she did have health issues, knees, hips, sciatica etc

one day, out of the blue, she started to lose weight! we were all so suprised

I think something needs to happen for you to say ENOUGH. I deserve to be happy. My weight does not make me happy, and then address it

what do YOU think will trigger this? enough to make you go to GP, then deal with this in a way that works for you.????

Good luck, everyone, including you!, deserves to happy

as that wise man L'Oreal said, you're worth it

be well x

I remembered saying to my Dcs about bullies; "Don't give them the POWER to upset you"

I think that that works for everyone 'cos we've all been bullied for no reason at some time in our lives.

Lots of luck phoenix

Thank you for the advice everyone. I know some people said they didn't want to upset me/be harsh etc and you haven't! It's good to hear different opinions and perspectives.

And as a few people mentioned about hitting rock bottom and having an ?I am going to change? moment. I think posting on here was mine. Have never talked about things like this before and I AM going to change to become a healthier, happier and more confident person.

Tomorrow is a new day and it?s the start of the rest of my life. I know my self-esteem issues are not going to change overnight but I want to make positive changes in my life so that I can be the best mum for my chn, good wife and friend etc.

Thank you from the bottom of heart for all your kind and encouraging words. I have cried a lot of tears today that I think needed to be cried and do feel better about myself this evening.

This is my first time on mumsnet and your story made me sad. Don't know if this is helpful or not but have you thought about going to a personal shopper who can advise you on which styles suit your shape? My mum is also classed as obese and she did this at John Lewis. She felt so much more confident in outfits that suited her figure.

hi phoenixflower - just wanted to say that loosing weight can help you feel in control of a situation, (and also overeating) but its not the be all and end all. If you woke up tomorrow a size 10, you might find that being thinner isn't the magic cure all you'd think it was. There are plenty of skinny women out there who are miserable. I am bigger now than I was a few years ago but feel much happier. Please don't feel you're not worth respect because of this.

Phoenix, great that you're feeling so much more positive!

Also, whatever plan you choose to lose weight, do bear in mind that there may be times that you fall off the wagon or some weeks that you just don't lose weight. The main thing is not to give up when that happens; so long as you are heading in the right direction, you will get there in the end.

yes, I would recommend a personal shopper too, I had a session with one at Cheshire Oaks last year, a lovely lady, can't remember her name unfortunately, gave very useful advice on types of skirts/tops and colours to flatter me.