to have had cyber sex with a stranger last night...whilst married

[corrupted]

I know I am - mitigating factors, DH and I not had sex for 18 months - I was climbing the walls

This a symptom - not a cause so don't torture yourself over it.

However, you need to speak to your DH. This is not the answer to your problems - secrets in relationships are like cancers - they corrode away the heart of it until nothing is left.

I wouldn't tell him about this incident though, just don't do it again and sort out your real sex life, while you still can.

YABU.

Do you want people to say it's ok? Well, I won't.

Negotiate an open relationship or leave. Don't cheat.

It's cheating plain and simple so yes YABU.

Sorry things aren't great with your DH.

I have been trying to sort the sex life out in RL - taken him to bed for long afternoons etc - his heart not in it any longer. Says he finds me beautiful etc etc but he has no libido and I feel horrendous. Don't know what more to do.

No I know IABU - feeling shit and guilty now and know I deserve a bollocking. I can't tell him though - it will make him feel angry and prob worse that I was so frustrated I went elsewhere.

It is cheating isn't it. I had partially convinced myself otherwise.

Of course it's cheating.

Yes, it's cheating. It's the deceit, you see.

Did you do it in front of your husband? Did you tell him you were going to do it? Did you tell him afterwards?

If the answer to that is a no no no - you cheated.

But I'm not going to bollock you. because you see, I have been married for 12 years and for the last 10 - yes 10, my husband has had no interest and I have had celibacy enforced upon me. And it is horrible and heartbreaking.

So yes, you cheated. Albeit virtually. But I understand what you are feeling.

And it's not the sexual frustration because let's face it - that's something you can sort out all by yourself!!

It's the feeling of being wanted, desired, appreciated, lusted over-- wanted.

I know I have cheated - first time in 8 years - feels quite quite horrendous.

Justmytwopenceworth - you are spot on - I just want to be desired. I'm 30 ffs and not ready for a life of celibacy with no physical intimacy...

YABU but so is your dh if you havent had sex for 18 months! (unless medical problems?). I would move on dont torture yourself over this and try and fix the relationship you have before turning to other people if you cant work things out then time to think again if you are unhappy with no sex at all.

I know. I have enormous sympathy for you. In the early days, I cried and cried and cried because I felt so unloved, unwanted and ugly. I then ate myself half to death over the next decade.

When I talk about it, he just says "be patient" and talks about how things will be different one day soon I think a decade is patient enough, don't you?

Don't be me, ten years is a long time. Trust me on that.

You need to sit down with him and tell him that this is unacceptable to you, that you feel unwanted and undesired and that intimacy matters. It's what makes the difference between husband and wife - and flatmates. co-parents.

It shouldn't be all about him, how he feels, what he wants. He should care enough about the fact that this makes you unhappy to want to do something about it.

It's not normal to have zero interest. It needs a trip to the doctors.

I would have done the same if DH refused to shag me or do anything about trying to shag me.

Yes it's cheating but I wouldn't accept a life of enforced celibacy, and if the choice is leaving or cheating I can see how it would be very fraught.

Have you asked your DH to address the issue? Have you sat down and really talked about it, trying to find a way forward. Maybe counselling?

He's depressed and I honestly have tried so hard - I thought I could bring him back to me, back to life if you know what I mean with initimacy and closeness. But I just feel rebuffed. He always says he finds me beautiful, loves me but it's hard to believe when you're never wanted in that way. I never thought our relationship would get to this point but it's like he's my best friend but he's not my lover anymore. I hope that will change but I have needs...(!). I had this fucked up idea that if I got some attention elsewhere it would make me less low about the situation at home - very draining living with a long term depressive and more full of verve (??) to be good to him and look after him and support him. Maybe its just compartmentalising too much. I blame an article that I read in the Guardian for een putting the idea into my head in the first place.

ah. depression. That's well known to reduce your libido to nothing.

Is he on any medication for it? (the depression)

I think there's a support thread on MN somewhere for partners of people with depression - isn't there? Maybe you could join it.

10 years - I just couldn't do it. I found that I was giving up on myself a bit and had put on nearly a stone in the last year or so. I wondered if that was putting him off - he would never say that but I wondered. So I've been dropping the extra weight - v nearly there, invested in nice underwear, look after my personal grooming, always smell nice..he hasn't noticed one bit but other people have...so frustrating. A colleague has made it clear he is interested - he is great but I would never do that. Just thought this might be less bad. But IABU I know.

Sadly depression kills libido. Is he on meds/having counselling?

I only ask as I think that you need to be honest with him.

If he is dealing with it then I'm sorry but I think what you have done is just awful.

If he is refusing to acknowledge and deal with it then I feel it's only fair you explain just how much it is affecting you and warn him what could happen (or already has)

I'm sure they'd really welcome a harlot like me to that thread!!! Why can't life be simple? I'm generally sunny disposition and just want us to move forward with our lives, love, chaos, shagging, all of it! But most importantly...tohgether.

You are NOT a harlot! What you did was not the best thing but what was it, really? You talked dirty to a stranger on the internet while you - I assume - sorted yourself out.

Not great. And yes, cheating. But you didn't do it for kicks! You did it because you are desperate, starved of affection and intimacy. And lonely.

And this can make you depressed if you're not careful!

You need some support for you, some help and advice how to - er - help and advise a depressed person, and how to manage.

You're not a harlot - you're just desperate. I've got a man who's depressed and it is bloody hard.

Stop beating yourself up about the incident.

corrupted - without going into too much detail it sounds as though your situation is very very similar to how mine was up until quite recently. My husband has been depressed and was acting more like one of my children or as you say a friend (sometimes!) I did post on some forums about it once or twice (not so much mumsnet though) and some of the replies made me think I was being unreasonable by not just accepting his behaviour as a disease and letting him get away with talking about how crap his life was and how he didnt want to live anymore constantly, lying in bed all day, turning every single conversation around to be about how he felt. I think it is hard on forums like these because you get both sides and people who suffer from depression will post very negative comments sometimes if you dare to question your undying support then people can be quite harsh as they suddenly imagine their own partners thinking the same things.

My advice to you would be stop letting him take advantage of your support, talk to him about how he feels but if he is just going round in circles or starts turning conversations around to be all about him just tell him to stop and dont get drawn into hs depression. I found that helping him was very very different to allowing him to do what he wants. All of the waiting around for him to feel better and doing things for him made it worse. So if he is making you feel like his friend - tell him and make him see whats going on, people with depression find it VERY hard to see outside themselves unelss you force them.My husband still suffers quite badly but things ARE getting better.

p.s just my experience no offence meant to anyone.

crying now...what a mess...what a wicked web we weave

Link to very good book

I found it very helpful.

corrupted - I don't think you should feel bad about this. It's cheating of a kind, but a stranger... and no physical contact... it's hardly the end of the world, is it? But whatever others say - frustration is far more than the physical release of an orgasm. You can 'sort yourself out' all you like but it's no substitute for intimacy with another human being... for being held and desired... Trust me - I know all about that... For me, using a vibrator is akin to trying to tickle yourself... the feelings must be the same but there's no comparison in the reaction!

Do you love your husband enough to stay with him without sex? Because if he hasn't been able to 'perform' for 18 months then this is going to take a long time to sort out - if at all. You say he's depressed - I'm sure you're right. Is he on any medication? If not then he needs to get to his GP

God Fernie - that rings so true. Feel like his mother some days...it's hard because it is all about him and how he feels. He is giving up on his job and think he expects me to sort everything. He has no clue where we are up to financially. I returned to work FT after having DD (against my better judgement and wishes - got a really full on job not conducive to being a mummy) because I couldn't trust him to keep a job. He has taken months off on the sick and I still take DD to nursery, work all hours, sort all the bills, the mortgage and come home to a shithole with not so much as a cup washed...I am so knackered and wonder how much longer I can go on but I don't want to leave I want to help him get better. But I can't just say that I accept this is it and I have to pander to his desire to sink further into himself. I'm attractive, bright, professional - I've got a lot to offer and I don't feel in any way appreciated.

Yes, it is a bit of a mess but from what you say it can be fixed. Sometimes we need to hit rock bottome before we realise that we need to do something to make things change.

It's bloody hard, but it can be done.

Go get yourself a cup of tea or go for a walk. You need to pause and take a deep breath pet.

God corrupted, I couldn't put up with life being like that even if there was loads of sex. I am no expert on depression, but I'm sure the more he wallows, the worse he will feel. I would be giving ultimatum at this point. "Get some more help, start changing things bit by bit, or I am off - sorry!" You are NOT his mother. It is very unfair on you and you deserve to have a nice life!