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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to have had cyber sex with a stranger last night...whilst married

54 replies

corrupted · 10/04/2010 08:25

I know I am - mitigating factors, DH and I not had sex for 18 months - I was climbing the walls

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GibbonInARibbon · 10/04/2010 09:32

Sorry to ask again corrupted but is he on meds/receiving counselling?

corrupted · 10/04/2010 09:32

Thanks Amber - for the book reccomendation (I'll get a copy and commit to taking the advice) and the reccomendation to put the kettle on.

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corrupted · 10/04/2010 09:35

Gibbon - yes he is on ADs and has been for a long time. He is seeing a counsellor and I have paid for him to see someone privately as well - doesn't seem to have made any differnce to the situation.

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GibbonInARibbon · 10/04/2010 09:39

I would say he needs different AD's.

I do feel for you. My DH had a dreadful depression and it was just awful to live through.

You know in your heart that cyber sex is not the answer. It will just pile guilt onto the myriad of emotions you are feeling.

You may need to get tough with him tbh. Say you are reaching breaking point yourself and he needs to keep going back to the GP to try different AD's till one works.

Does he have a history of depression or did something trigger this bout?

fortyplus · 10/04/2010 09:42

corrupted - you sound wonderful You are being so supportive. But I wonder if you are enabling him to remain in his depressed state? By being kind and understanding etc. If you gave him a bit of a shake and said you'd had enough - that he needs to work on overcoming this or you will leave... maybe that would be the incentive he needs to do something about it.

It's not going to be easy and he can't just 'snap out of it' but he does need to face up to it and be proactive about changing. At the moment he's just wallowing in self pity and letting you control his life.

corrupted · 10/04/2010 09:45

Gibbon - no history of depression - although his dad (I know now but didn't previously) has suffered periodically. He was made redundant 3 years ago and that shook his confidence, I had three miscarriages in a row, life stuff...

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violetqueen · 10/04/2010 09:48

corrupted - not sure what to say apart from what a horrible place you're in .
So sorry for you .
Think DH needs different meds ,you need to change that silly corrupted name ,have a cup of tea ,go for a walk .
You've done nothing wrong ,you're just getting depressed yourself.
Hugs .

corrupted · 10/04/2010 09:49

I've tried the tough love stuff but he thinks I am out of order - threw stuff round the kitchen, called me obscenities...he doesn't lose it like that - it frightened me. Another issue is that in his current victim state of mind, I really don't fancy him and felt that by trying to initiate sex that I was behaving generously - thought if we got over the bump,all the old feelings would come back. Don't get me wrong I was feeling pretty frustrated but he wasn't making me feel as though I wanted to jump on him.

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WebDude · 10/04/2010 09:51

Sorry to read of your situation. FWIW, I would not class this in the same league one bit, and it's not like you've gone off and been in bed with someone else.

Of course cyber fun is not a real solution, and it will do only harm to even mention it, so turn the diary onto the next page and put it behind you as something which should not have happened, and throw the memory into the depths {you may want to pull it out for a reason not to do the same again or in place of doing it again... set aside guilt for the moment, as your situation is damn hard, and you were desperate, and you know nothing further will happen on that front as you have a family you love).

Reading about your situation makes me wonder how many other couples are in a similar state (with redundancies and so on), and dear god you are more than "pulling your weight" when it comes to running home, family and being breadwinner too.

I hope that a few who made initial judgements can drop their condemnation down a few levels, given what you're up against at the moment.

Clearly some of the other ladies have "been there", and there may be others who did something similar but just haven't come across this thread.

Hope things can improve for you {all}.

GibbonInARibbon · 10/04/2010 09:54

Firstly so sorry to hear you had MC's a

I would sit him down tell him things have to change. Explain that you understand he is ill, but he needs to want to take control and start being pro active in his recovery. I had to do similar with DH and I'm understanding having had depression myself in the past.

I truly hope you can both work through this, it is possible to fully recover from depression but in truth, the person has to want to.

corrupted · 10/04/2010 09:59

Thanks - I would be happy if he took just one step (any step) on the road to recovery. My worry is he doesn't want to try to recover. I haven't been clinically depressed but something horrendous happened 10 years ago - I was very low and had post traumatic stress and had counselling, sleeping pills (but no ADs) it wasn't for me though. I canned the counselling, stepped out of my normal life for 6 months and then something snapped, I put my head down and literally worked my socks off. I focussed on my degree and kind of worked my way out of it. 2 years later, things were still painful but I was back. But people are different.

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GibbonInARibbon · 10/04/2010 10:12

I know it's hard when he is in victim mode but I really think the only way forward is to sit him down and lay your cards on the table.

You sound like you have been through it yourself, you need to be kind to yourself too you know. Sadly hoping he'll wake up one day feeling better is not enough. He really needs to address the issue with his GP.

TBH I am gobsmacked his GP has left him on the same meds when they are obviously not working. How often is he having to go back to his GP to discuss his progress?

corrupted · 10/04/2010 10:26

I don't know - he's stopped telling me.

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GibbonInARibbon · 10/04/2010 10:39

corrupted, the only advice I can give is that you get firm and ask him. Tell him he has to seriously address the issue.

BigBadMummy · 10/04/2010 10:51

buy a vibrator.

Your husband needs help. A low libido is a symptom of something else usually and it can be overcome either by counselling / medical help etc.

corrupted · 10/04/2010 10:59

vibrators just not me - i need mental stimulation

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gtamom · 10/04/2010 12:34

His meds are not working. There are other ones out there. Depressed people often need to be led by the hand, they have no motivation. He may feel it is hopeless, or this will pass in time, but it is time now to do something.

He needs to get help, his illness is making you very unhappy. Go together to his doctor. Maybe he needs to be admitted to hospital for a psychiatric evaluation, and different meds?

I am sorry, and hope things will get better for you both.

WebDude · 10/04/2010 13:11

I'd happily offer the mental stimulation, but of course even as I write, I can hear the others screaming "No" at me.

Can only see things improving if you can turn him round to seeing how it cannot continue (yet without making him think you are about to leave, or anything which might make him worse).

Was it more than just the redundancy, do you think, or was that top and bottom of his problems back then?

Without wanting to be too nosy, what line of work was he in, and what are the prospects in your area now? Is it possible that training for something else would get him out of this 'rut' ?

breastfeedingquestion · 10/04/2010 13:13

Thread has moved on but just wanted to say it's not cheating in my book! Or, to word it another way, if DH had done this I wouldn't end my marriage but I would if he physically slept with someone else.

southeastastra · 10/04/2010 13:20

i have to ask but what exactly is cyber sex?

Pollyanna · 10/04/2010 13:30

glad you asked! I was wondering the same.

clams · 10/04/2010 13:47

It wasn't cheating. Nowhere near. It probably wasn't that great a thing to have done for either of you but you know that and it doesn't sound like you'll do it again. Your DH and his illness probably are the problem.

I think you either choose to live around him and his behaviour (which I couldn't but some can) or - if you can't face the coming years with your current domestic set up and/or without a sexual relationship - then I think you need to make some reasonable demands on him.

Ask him to try changing meds/joint counselling session(s) so you can find out a bit more about where he is mentally and how you can address the intimacy problem/regular updates on his counselling sessions. And if he won't do that for you then you have a much harder decision to make. I really wish you well with it, as someone who lived with a depressive partner for 7 years, I really empathise.

corrupted · 10/04/2010 14:51

Thanks for the advice/thoughts. I feel bad but that's guilt for you I suppose. Thanks for the offer Webdude(!). Judging by my stupidity yesterday I think its safe to say I won't be venturing into any kind of mental stimulation with strangers...

And the ladies asking what it is - use a little imagination.

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WebDude · 10/04/2010 17:26

For Pollyanna and southeastastra

Hint: Wiki has one description.

I've not been looking on Second Life (ages since I explored it a little, spent less than a day on that) and not been particularly looking for chatrooms to know what goes on.

However, at the upper end of "interaction" there are now remote control "toys" so one person can alter the settings affecting a toy on the other side of the world, to change the speed, or whatever (hope you can guess what these "toys" might be and where they'd be used!)

porcamiseria · 10/04/2010 22:17

I really don't blame you. This might sound harsh, but there is more to life than staying with a depressive that makes fuck all effort.

think this is a wake up call for you, so you can see there is other man-life out there...

if he does not sort himself, dont waste all your life on him

sounds harsh but being honest!!