to not like people popping round unannounced?

[Psammead]

We recently built a house - on a piece of land adjoining my in-law's home (sold to us by them for a lower-than-normal price). I am quite a private person so I was a little wary about the location, but I am also practical and knew it would be the only realistic chance of owning a decent sized home of our own with a garden in a nice neighbourhood etc. We are very pleased with how our house has turned out and were careful to diplomatically broach the topic of privacy with my in-laws. This has worked out very well - they do come around to visit a lot, especially since we had DD (12 weeks) but it doesn't feel like they are intruding. They will often give us a quick ring beforehand, or check at the door that they are not disturbing us. Of course, we offer them the same courtesy and we all get along very well.

So far so good. The problem is my husband's sisters. I really like them, they are absolutely lovely, nice and kind, but they just turn up and treat our home like an extension of their parent's. One of them was here earlier, and whilst I was upstairs changing DD's nappy, she was downstairs rooting through our DVD collection, getting them all out onto the floor (which I ended up tidy up again!) and picking out some she liked, which she then told me she was borrowing. I tried to subtly let on that I wasn't too happy about lending them out (they are my two favourite movies, and she has a record of forgetting to give things back) but she didn't take the hint.

They are just very friendly people who probably wouldn't care a less if I acted like this at their houses. I am just different. I like to invite people around and make sure the place is nice and clean and tidy, and that I am looking nice for visitors etc - I don't like people just walking in and it makes me feel uncomfortable in my own home. I probably should have broached the subject with them before we started building as we did with my in-laws, but it didn't occur to me that they would be like this.

So, AIBU? Should I just suck it up and accept that it's part of belonging to a close family? Or does anyone have any ideas of how to tackle this? I am very reserved and non-confrontational, and really do not want to ruin an otherwise good relationship with my SILs. Has anyone been in this situation and found that they have adapted for the better after a while?

Sorry it's a bit long, wanted to make sure I included all the facts.

Tell them. Better still, get your husband to tell them.

And do things like going to the door when they knock (I hope they knock! If they don't start keeping the door locked and chain on!) and saying "Oh, sorry, We're just going out. Give me a call before popping over in future, save you a wasted journey."

Re the dvd, in a week, go round to her place, root through the dvds and take them back.

which upset you the most - her coming round unannounced or helping herself to your DVD's?

Both actually. I think it's the attitude generally which upsets me - as if she doesn't need to ask, does that make sense?

I would have happily had her round tonight - I'd have invited her to dinner if I knew she wanted to come. And I would have lent her the DVDs with pleasure. It's the 'just turning up' and 'just taking' which pissed me off somewhat.

I know lots of people are perfectly comfortable with this and would probably not understand my problem.

JMTPW that's a really good suggestion, to say that we're just popping out. I will try that.

YADNBU Agree that you need DH to have a word with them.

YAMDNBU

A couple I know used to let themselves into our house, with no contact for weeks, and then would just come round and literally just walk in, with no prior notice. Drove me mad, dh said not to worry and not to say anything as so infrequent. Anyway they caught me one day muttering as I heard the door open, and them walking in, for crying out loud, have they not heard of a door bell. They said that's not very nice, and I said no but neither is walking into somebody's house without permission.

They went away peeved, still friends, but now they always call before coming around.

Put the bolt or chain on the door. Still won't give you any notice, though....

I think yabu, sorry. My mother was like you, my fathers family as you describe your ILs. Id rather not have my mothers inhibitions - she gets fearfully het up if anyone sees how we really live, as opposed to the tidied up impression that she wants to give. Also, at some point, your own children will leave home - at what point will they be elevated to Visitor status, and not allowed to come round unless they've rung first?
I found it hurtful, I must say.

No, YANBU. I have a couple of friends who walk in unannounced, but that's because I've made it clear that's fine. Both I've known for years and years. But I couldn't stand SIL doing it.

If they're nice, you need to talk to them. Do the whole "silly me, so neurotic, blame my upbringing BUT I really need you to call first" routine. They'll be fine with it, I'm sure.

YANBU. Your DH needs to talk to them. You may live nearby, but that doesn't mean you've given up your right to privacy.

My MIL used to have a neighbour who was always 'popping around' with no warning. She had to resort to crawling around on the floor by the window so she couldn't be seen, as said neighbour used to peer through the windows if she didn't get an answer.

Absolute nightmare! Nip it in the bud now.

As you moved nearer your inlaws they probably feel 'at home' at your place. If you dont like this then you have to say something.

However- I urge you to think about the next couple of months- my dd is nearly 9 months old and I would love this. Having a baby can be really isolating and you may well regreat it if you come accross as not wanting them there.

If I were you I would have a quiet word - using sleep as an excuse. Something along the lines of can you text me if you're thinking of popping over as I'm trying to get sleep when the baby does etc.

nighbynight thanks for your reply. I do think it's quite a leap to assume that I'd treat my own children in the same way as my in-laws! I do, however, think that there comes a point where you should respect your own parent's privacy and make arrangements before descending on them! I would simply pop round even to them, not since I've grown-up myself. I personally don't find it hurtful, more a case of respecting the fact that they have lives of their own, if you see what I mean.

But you are entirely correct in that I like to give a 'tidied up impression' of the house. Maybe I need to address that.

I think you should start having sex in the hall,That'll teach them to call first!

On a serious note,I'm the same.Hate the whole arriving without notice as I haven't had a chance to take bras off heaters,pick up kids toys,wipe up crumbs/sick both off floor etc.
Maybe you could just say to them in a jovial way that you need some prior notice for visits so that they don't find you napping on the couch with your dd.

And tell your SIL that you and DH are so frazzled that you've planned a romantic dinner/DVD night.(see where I'm going with this).
Good luck.

not likeing this behaviour does not mean you have unrealistic inhabitions, its just plain manners to knock and wait for the person living there to answer the door!

YADNBU, i hate this aswell ( suprise! ) infact i don't answer the door unless i know its the postie, or that someone has pre arranged it.
I don't mind if its 10-5 mins before they turn up, i expect a bit of bloody notice.

MIL - who i love btw has done this twice and afterwards finding out that i don't answer the door has now got the point.

I would never dream of letting myself in without anyone knowing previous.

I think you should view it as a positive thing that they feel happy and comfortable in your home and that they feel relaxed enough around you to do this. My sis and bros do this in my house and I just retrieve my DVDs when I visit theirs. So many in law relationships are fraught with tension, so my advice would be to tread carefully because you don't want to make them feel self conscious around you when you genuinely like them. I am sympathetic because we all have our own ways but think if you are not careful you could do more harm than good here

But there's a fine line between them feeling happy and comfortable in your home, and them taking the piss advantage saslou.

If you can't feel in control of your personal space in your own home, where can you feel it?? How old is your sister-in-law OP? To me she doesn't sound that old, and perhaps can't read your subtle hints. If she's older than teenager/very early 20's she really should know that she's being intrusive and rude.

My dh's family would do this. They move in a herd, so it would be all of them turning up unannounced and rooting through the dvds.

MrsVidic you are right - I do love the fact that they want to spend time with my baby (and me). I would like her to have a close relationship with them all as I have no family in the country whatsoever. saslou along the same lines, really. That's my biggest fear in this situation - damaging a good thing over my neurosis - that's something I would regret for a long time, and that's what makes it hard!

Marmalade LOL! Nice suggestion! You've hit the nail on the head though as far as tidying up is concerned. It's not like I polish the skirting every time someone pops around for coffee - but it's just nice to have SOME control over the aspect of my life (and underwear) that other people see!!

Hassled another good suggestion - might even try to blame it on my culture (am of a different nationality to my husband).

Glad to hear I am not the only one with this hang-up!

When they turn up do they ask if it's a good time? I wouldn't like people turning up unannounced either. But with someone living next door I think it would seem silly to me to call beforehand, so I'd tend to knock on the door and ask if it's ok to visit. If they just assume that they can come in whenever, I think you should just start telling them when it's not convenient. Be honest- 'Sorry, I'm busy doing housework/want to grab a nap while the baby's asleep/in the middle of cooking right now- why don't you come over on x day instead'. If you do it often enough, they might get the hint.

Pozzled - no. They ring the door bell, and then do that thing where as I am still opening the door, they come in whilst unbuttoning coat an kicking off shoes. This is what I meant by saying that they treat it like they do their parent's house. By the time I have closed the door, they will be sitting on the sofa, flicking through whatever book I happen to be reading at the time.

I know they are family, but it's so... familiar!

I think I've whinged enough though, really. I am incredibly lucky to have lovely in-laws. I plan to put some of the advise on this thread into effect and hopefully it wont end in tears.

Oh thank goodness. I thought it was just me!

My mum is a real dropper-inner, not just on me but on anyone at all. I find it quite rude. She'll drop in on me unannounced then say "well really Elle, you ought to have the place tidy by 11am" erm, well didn't know I was having visitors... I know it's my mum but still. I like to know that people are dropping by. If I know, anyone is welcome.

My mum took the hump a few months ago because her best friend left her a message saying "Hello, if you're planning on dropping round today can you give me a call first Thanks" WTF?! Mum was all "what's up with her? I shan't bother going round if that's her attitude." I tried to explain to her that some people just don't like unannounced visitors and that's that. My mums' side of the family are dropper-inners. I am not. I don't appreciate it. I know it sounds cliche-y but my house is my sanctuary. Not a fucking drop-in centre for people wanting tea unannounced.

Oh god I hate this, there are very very few people that I dont mind just dropping by. Could you use the excuse of saying you are trying to catch up on sleep when your baby naps, and answer the door bleary eyed and bed headed, and say "Oh, I had a terrible nigths sleep with LO, I know it sounds silly but would you mind ringing before you come, incase Im asleep/the baby's asleep"??

God - you poor thing. I hate people just "dropping in" Even my beloved parents would not do it to me, nor I them.

When I was heavily pregnant with DS and upset because we were in a heatwave, my mum turned up unannounced with a person I'd never met before.

I lay on the sofa, carried on watching Midsomer Murders and ignored them both until they got the hint and buggered off.