to not like people popping round unannounced?

[Psammead]

We recently built a house - on a piece of land adjoining my in-law's home (sold to us by them for a lower-than-normal price). I am quite a private person so I was a little wary about the location, but I am also practical and knew it would be the only realistic chance of owning a decent sized home of our own with a garden in a nice neighbourhood etc. We are very pleased with how our house has turned out and were careful to diplomatically broach the topic of privacy with my in-laws. This has worked out very well - they do come around to visit a lot, especially since we had DD (12 weeks) but it doesn't feel like they are intruding. They will often give us a quick ring beforehand, or check at the door that they are not disturbing us. Of course, we offer them the same courtesy and we all get along very well.

So far so good. The problem is my husband's sisters. I really like them, they are absolutely lovely, nice and kind, but they just turn up and treat our home like an extension of their parent's. One of them was here earlier, and whilst I was upstairs changing DD's nappy, she was downstairs rooting through our DVD collection, getting them all out onto the floor (which I ended up tidy up again!) and picking out some she liked, which she then told me she was borrowing. I tried to subtly let on that I wasn't too happy about lending them out (they are my two favourite movies, and she has a record of forgetting to give things back) but she didn't take the hint.

They are just very friendly people who probably wouldn't care a less if I acted like this at their houses. I am just different. I like to invite people around and make sure the place is nice and clean and tidy, and that I am looking nice for visitors etc - I don't like people just walking in and it makes me feel uncomfortable in my own home. I probably should have broached the subject with them before we started building as we did with my in-laws, but it didn't occur to me that they would be like this.

So, AIBU? Should I just suck it up and accept that it's part of belonging to a close family? Or does anyone have any ideas of how to tackle this? I am very reserved and non-confrontational, and really do not want to ruin an otherwise good relationship with my SILs. Has anyone been in this situation and found that they have adapted for the better after a while?

Sorry it's a bit long, wanted to make sure I included all the facts.

Could you say that you're not getting enough sleep at the moment 'because of dd' and that it is badly affecting you, so you are trying to catch a nap when your dd naps?

Then could you have some pre-arranged 'signal' - maybe your bedroom curtains shut or a certain light on or whatever - so that they know if they are at your PIL house, that you are trying to have a sleep and please for the time being not to disturb you?

This would get around them ringing you and disturbing you if you really are asleep and might be a way to introduce the concept of checking with you beforehand.

Also could you talk to your inlaws to see what they think, if you have already broached the subject with them, you could ask them to tell your sil their advice on how you could ask your sil to not treat you as an extension of their house that she can walk into at any time.

And definitely don't be afraid to use dd routine / sleep / lack of sleep / etc as an means to do this, even if it is not strictly such an issue if you think it will help to ease the problem!

good luck...

AgentZigZag both are in their mid to late 30s.

Lots of great advice here - thanks everyone.

Hate it. When I was breast feeding DS1 and was getting by on little sleep I had the one child luxury at the time of having a morning nap with him. My MIL turned up unannounced for the 3rd time that week and I decided to ignore it as I was asleep/dozing. She got her key out that she had aquired through plant watering when we were on hols and LET HERSELF IN TO MY HOUSEnot only that. She then came up to my bedroom and WOKE ME UP (I was pretending to be fast asleep due to pure embarrassment and shock). I pretended to be really shocked that there was someone in my room. This didn't put her off so I got a chain on the door, she tried it again, I pretended to be asleep and she couldn't get in. Ha! We have now moved and she will never be in receipt of my house key again. It's a bloody awful feeling.

OMG NEmummy

SMP your book lending idea is genius!

Psammead - I LOVE your name - those books were some of my favourites as a child.

I don't like unannounced visitors either. It's all very well other people feeling "relaxed and comfortable in your home" but I'D like to feel that way too. That means if DD has a bad night and we are consequently in our pyjamas at 9.30 having gone back to bed while she naps, I don't want someone unexpected trying to get in and having a bit of a giggle or getting judgey that I am still in my pyjamas and there is still porridge on the kitchen floor from DD's breakfast.

I also vote for the "keep the chain on, explain that it's not a good time and could they come back another time after calling" approach.

And go over to SIL's place and get your DVDs back.

HOLY COW NEMummy - why would your MIL even be carrying your house key with her unless she intended to get in come what may? Yikes. I'd be wondering whether she had ever let herself in when I wasn't there.

Not unreasonable at all... I would not expect anyone, not even my own family, to appear without arrangement beforehand. They have no knowledge of your plans, and whether you feel keen to have visitors.

As for the DVDs, then yes, give it a week and request them back (why should you need to visit her home - let her drop them off). Oh, and say "if we're out, then please just pop them through the letterbox - that'll be fine" so there is absolutely no excuse and no need for you to be "in" for her to find another couple of DVDs to take borrow.

"Not a fucking drop-in centre for people wanting tea unannounced."

That hits the nail on the head. They have no knowledge of who else might already be here or what we might be doing

My mums' side of the family are also the type of people who don't mind dropping in unannounced when I already have visitors. Example: easter saturday my aunt called 5 minutes before she wanted to drop in with DCs easter gift. I explained that I had visitors round already and they were mates I'd not seen in months and could we possibly re-arrange? She went in a right huff. I can't think of anything worse than trying to divide myself between two sets of visitors. My friends had driven over an hour to see us, I think that the least I can do is give them my undivided.

YANBU mil and sil call me from outside the door: "is it all right if i come in?"
It is hard to say no when they've already driven here...I work from home as well so they think it's ok, I can have a break whereas I like to just work through with no breaks.
Ils in general do just drop in whenever and help themselves to cupboard, fridge, computer, usually talk over everything we say and are always receiving or making calls or texting (even while we are eating). (they're circa 25/30yo so not teenagers!)

We moved our books and dvds upstairs so they would stop taking them. They never returned anything they borrowed or ever bothered to return the favour of dinners by inviting us over.

sorry not got any practical advice but as someone else says be very careful how you approach it as they may get very offended, feel rejected and be reluctant to every come round again. When i was pregnant I just couldn't stand it anymore and asked dh to have a word, after that there was defintely a long period of time where ils were visibly uncomfortable around me which got me down more than them popping round.
It's better now and even though it irritates me I just accept that this is how they do it.
having said that If I'm busy I switch the doorbell and home phone off. I no longer change my plans for them, if I'm on my way out I don't let them muscle in etc.

good luck

Jesus. Before DD there was a not-insubstantial chance that we were having sex in the middle of the day, downstairs in the living areas. Now that she's around there's a not-insubstantial chance that I'm napping with her, wandering around half-dressed, changing an extremely unpleasant nappy or playing the sort of ridiculous game that relies on having no audience but a toddler.

None of these activities are suitable for unexpected guests. I can't believe what would be going through your head to think it's okay to let yourself into someone else's house, walk into their bedroom and wake them up.

If you want to avoid dealing with it directly, you could try sticking a note on the door along the lines of 'Shhh - Baby Sleeping. Please phone to arrange a good time to visit '

If it works, get it laminated, nail it to the door - this should get through!!

In all honesty though, I think as you have already had this discussion with the PIL, I would talk to them about it, explain what you have said to us and ask them to tell the others that your privacy should be respected and go through what arrangements you already have with them (without mentioning you have asked them to talk to them!!).

Good Luck

YANBU, I hate it!

Where we live everyone and their aunt drops in just to say hi/scrounge a coffee/talk about something really inane. I hate it, hate it, hate it. If I'm here during the day I am planning lessons, researching/writing an article or otherwise working. I am not available to serve them fruit juice and listen to them chatter.

They think I'm a rude foreigner, I don't care. My house, my space, my time. If you want to come around then call.

It works the other way too - people say to me 'oh just drop round whenever' but I'd never do that, it's just not in my nature to drop in and expect them to drop everything to entertain me.

My mil and fil used to do this, but they turned up once when dd2 was a baby and we were having a really bad day. I opened the door said 'this really isn't a good time, i wish you'd have called first.' and shut the door on them. My mil threw her toys out of the pram and reported me to dh.....who said 'What do you expect? we DID tell you to call!'
She hasn't done it in 4 years now.

YANBU i hate it too other than very close friends/parents.

LoveJules - three cheers for your DH!

I don't think yabu. I have a similar hang up but it's a bit hypocritical. If my family or friends were just to drop around uninvited I wouldn't really care, but that's because they know me very well and if they come around and found my house a mess, it's 10.30 and I'm still in my pjs and the kids look feral they'd be fine. They'd probably make me a cup of tea and send me off to the shower whilst they make themselves at home.

whereas if my in laws or dh's friends just dropped by I'd be doing a mad dash trying to clean the place, get myself dressed, sort out the kids so we don't look like tramps oh gost the list is endless and I would not be comfortable at all.

Can I ask how old the sister's are by the way? I do think it's lovely the way they've kind of taken you into the family and are so comfortable with you.

I think if you can't just grin and bear it a quiet word with the dh is the best thing. These things always sound best coming from him but it is likely you will still be blamed for it unfortunately.

My family are like this and it doesn't bother me. But it annoys the hell out of DH, cos he is just the opposite. My sis has her own keys and will help herself to anything in the fridge e.g, but I don't want any of my family to stand on ceremony in my house. However, I have to respect DH, so everyone knows not to make themselves too comfortable when he is here. He's away a lot. This is something that you have to sort out now. I would try to explain to your DH and ask them to respect your privacy a little more. If they don't respect that, then you have to put your foot down.

RE: My Mil waking me etc: She has let herself in before, numerous times - whilst I was out ! With one excuse of just having a cup of tea and a wee after a few hours in town....she lives 10 minutes away from my house. No key, ever again.

IMHO you need to say something to the sisters. or get your DH to do this if it's easier. If you don't voice your opinon they'll never know they're doing anything that is upsetting you.

I don't get the 'dopping by' mentality either. I like to arrange with family when it's a suitable time mainly because I don't want family wasting petrol to show up at my front door to find I'm away out. It's always better to phone first and arrange. Inlaws did this once and never again. I expressed my views to DH who then explained to his mum that I wasn't keen on people 'dropping by'.

Lots of good advice here but I thought I would be another YANBU voice. I LOATHE people turning up unannounced and rarely answer the door unless expecting somebody or I think it may be a delivery.

There may well be an aspect of control to it. I have my own schedule and don't like unexpected disruptions...and I prefer the house and myself to be 'ready' for guests. That doesn't mean the house is always pristine and I am always coiffed, but I don't want people over when there are piles of laundry I'm sorting or I'm in my underwear/just got out of the shower.

Some people are different and genuinely have no idea why you would be bothered by them dropping in and not respecting your house as an essentially private space.

YANBU - I hate a pop in and I have exactly the same problem with my PIL and SIL! They drive me around the twist. To top it off they always get a bit annoyed when they come around I am not in and then ring up later asking where I was but in a kind of how dare you go out kind of way - the number of times I have "well if you had rung before". I have moaned about this constantly to my DH for years that he just switches off when I start a rant. The few times I have said something they have got in a right huff not seen them for a few days and then back to the their old habits. So yes I can understand how you feel and you are not being unreasonable at all but unfortunately you will have to suck it up (like me) or move to at least 30 minutes (I think too far for a pop in!). Think I need to go and check my blood pressure now as this topic always gets me going.

NEmummy - similar situation has happened to me it is quite possible we are related by marriage!

Ha. No, not related. Don't have any IL's with children. Just a nebby MIL who couldn't keep her key out of my door. Apart from that she really is quite nice.
In dealing with the 'unannounced' now I don't down tools and make them a cuppa. I answer the door with a half welcoming smile but half shocked expression, welcome them in like I am dithering and a bit confused as to why they have come and then get on with the job I was doing, if not exaggeratedly so that they realise I'm busy and they should have rang. I've done this for the past few years and don't have too many probs with the 'unannounced' any more. .