to not like people popping round unannounced?

[Psammead]

We recently built a house - on a piece of land adjoining my in-law's home (sold to us by them for a lower-than-normal price). I am quite a private person so I was a little wary about the location, but I am also practical and knew it would be the only realistic chance of owning a decent sized home of our own with a garden in a nice neighbourhood etc. We are very pleased with how our house has turned out and were careful to diplomatically broach the topic of privacy with my in-laws. This has worked out very well - they do come around to visit a lot, especially since we had DD (12 weeks) but it doesn't feel like they are intruding. They will often give us a quick ring beforehand, or check at the door that they are not disturbing us. Of course, we offer them the same courtesy and we all get along very well.

So far so good. The problem is my husband's sisters. I really like them, they are absolutely lovely, nice and kind, but they just turn up and treat our home like an extension of their parent's. One of them was here earlier, and whilst I was upstairs changing DD's nappy, she was downstairs rooting through our DVD collection, getting them all out onto the floor (which I ended up tidy up again!) and picking out some she liked, which she then told me she was borrowing. I tried to subtly let on that I wasn't too happy about lending them out (they are my two favourite movies, and she has a record of forgetting to give things back) but she didn't take the hint.

They are just very friendly people who probably wouldn't care a less if I acted like this at their houses. I am just different. I like to invite people around and make sure the place is nice and clean and tidy, and that I am looking nice for visitors etc - I don't like people just walking in and it makes me feel uncomfortable in my own home. I probably should have broached the subject with them before we started building as we did with my in-laws, but it didn't occur to me that they would be like this.

So, AIBU? Should I just suck it up and accept that it's part of belonging to a close family? Or does anyone have any ideas of how to tackle this? I am very reserved and non-confrontational, and really do not want to ruin an otherwise good relationship with my SILs. Has anyone been in this situation and found that they have adapted for the better after a while?

Sorry it's a bit long, wanted to make sure I included all the facts.

Yes, another supporter here of this being a real pain. My MIL who lives close does this and I know were family but I find it a bit too familiar! And she never apologises even if its clear its very inconvenient.

I think her life is one big drop in and she ticks them off on her schedule, as as far as I can tell she doesn't want to be there, only to have said she's seen her grandchildren, etc, tick.

I'm probably being harsh, of course, but not saying anything does build up a certain amount of resentment and the body language/gestures I'm sure betray that I am p'd off at times and it would have been better to have worked out a mutually acceptable way of visiting early on than leve resentments to fester if you want my advice!

Have you noticed that half threads here are 'we have no family at all, i would give my kidney to have a family member around' and other half are like yours.

This is probably not what you want to hear but would you prefer to be alone with no family?

Cant you see the positive side? When they come and play with the baby you can go upstairs and have a proper wee. Heaven! .

Also your baby will gain a lot from having family around.

No you're right of course I am being ungrateful. Bring it on, family is warts and all!

My mum has a key and pops over sometimes unannounced, which I'm not keen on, It's generally to do something kind though, like dropping off a lasagne, so I don't say anything. However, she popped round this week when DP was in first thing in the morning. It was sheer chance that she didn't get the shock of her life, because he does have a habit of wandering around naked if he's straight out of bed

She used to have a policy of ringing the bell, and it it wasn't answered, to just use her key. That stopped after she heard us shagging upstairs

Sounds awful - YANBU!

I didn't mean you are ungrateful, sorry if it came out like this

Its just when we have something we only see the negative side of it.

I lived close to il's for a year and sometimes i felt like you do.

But now i am in uk with no family and oh i miss their sudden home visits!

(this doesn't mean i don't sympathize with you, but i think the plus are more)

Why would you leave the door open? I think you should be more concerned for your security, if they can just waltz in, what is to stop a potentially violent intruder from entering?

You may live in a nice, peaceful area but you are an easy target for anybody with negative intentions.

Close your door, lock it and if your in laws come around when you are not in the mood for them, don't let them in.

YANBU - I don't mind sometimes but other times I have been in the middle of something and have had to stop to "entertain". I don't bother now - they take me as they find me, and if I happen to be busy I just carry on. If they don't like it, then they learn to call first.

My parents never just stopped by - my MIL does quite frequently (but thankfully not as frequently as before, when it was almost daily - ARGH! - that really used to piss me off). these days with all the mobile phone technology it really is NOT an issue for someone to just phone quickly ahead and say "I'm in the vicinity, ok if I drop in to see you for a minute?" and then you can say whether or not it's convenient.

As for the DVD thing - well I think that IS rude, tbh. Asking first, accepting that you might not want to lost them and DEFINITELY putting them back when you've finished are acceptable - but what you described is shocking bad manners. You are not her sister, you didn't grow up with her - she should respect that you are a separate entity, not just a part of her "family stuff is my stuff" attitude. Taking the "mi casa e su casa" to extremes, if you ask me.

I pop into my sisters without notice but she only lives 5 minutes away.

Sometimes she's home, sometimes she's not.

I always phone DD or close friends because they live 35 minutes drive away.

To be honest I mainly phone so I don't make a wasted trip.

Same friend phones for the same reason. But she always asks if I'm up for visitors.

She knows my house looks like a bomb site most of the time. (Too busy working, patchworking, reading, anything but housework.

She knows I don't mind her coming into the mess. Her DH just shakes his head.

Their house never has a thing out of place. Even though she does family day care and has 5 DC Monday thru Friday.

my mate's parents used to just walk in lots

they stopped when they burst into the hosue to find her and her DH at it on teh rug in front of hte fire - it was "doggy" style as well which makes it SO much worse Imo

but there's a difference between popping round unannounced and just walking uninvited into your home.

If it's popping round unannounced, then just say as others have said that you're off out/please call in advance because you & baby want to nap.

If it's just walking in, def get dh to have a word, and keep the door locked. I would hate that. What if you were on the loo/asleep/anything. No, not polite.

I have a key to fil house but would never dream of just walking in, you knock at the door fgs. That's not rejecting family, it's manners, surely?

Do they open the door themselves?

I havn't noticed this bit when i posted.

Very weird of them and UANBU. In fact you are a saint.

I'm not someone who calls in on people unexpectedly, I'll phone first to see if it's convenient but I did recently and felt very uncomfortable!

We were due to go away for the weekend and my friend's birthday was during that time, so I popped round the day before we left with her birthday present. Wasn't expecting to be invited in but her dh answered the door, said my friend was upstairs busy but insisted I come in and sit down. I said "No thanks, don't worry, if you could give it to her that would be great". He was already calling her by then though, "X, Onthepier's here to see you!"

She took a few mins to come down, was friendly but in quite a stilted way and moaned at her dh for not having cleared up the kids' lunch things on living room table. I made a joke of it saying that was nothing, you should see my living room! She offered me a coffee but looked visibly relieved when I refused!

We chatted for a bit before I left, I really felt as though I'd caught her unawares though and she even aplogised for not having make-up on!

The "popper-in" can feel just as embarrassed as the person caught unawares, so if somebody is popping in unannounced regularly it's much kinder to tell them, as negative body language speaks volumes!