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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think DH could think for himself sometimes?

52 replies

MrsDermotOleary · 06/04/2010 15:59

DH is in a pretty high powered job involving a lot of decision making and manual labour. He is very thorough and has an excellent reputation in his business. He is regularly headhunted and never out of work.

However, at home he is just so different. I work two part time jobs, he works full time but erratic times and is away a lot. I juggle my jobs around the kids nursery (they are 2&4) and DH being at home. I am at home more than him so I do more housework, fair enough. But I am sick of having to look after him as well as 2 dc. For example, I loaded the washing machine and asked him to fetch his washing down and switch the machine on. I left the door open and the drawer open too so he could see I had put the powder in. So DH gets his washing, switches machine on. Later I got into kitchen and floor is flooded. He left the drawer open because "you didn't tell me to close it"

He goes shopping and asks me what we need. I make a list through the week as I notice we've run out of something. If I don't give him a list he will come home with random food, nothing to make a meal with. He will take the kids out but won't take nappies/wipes/drinks because he assumes I will pack them. Then he spends money on snacks/drinks/nappies which tbh we can't afford.
Lately he has taken books and a dvd out of the library on the dc's cards and not told me. Then I get an email saying they are overdue and he gets all defensive saying that I should have asked him. Wtf?
Am struggling to cope with work and 2 dc's, I really don't need to be responsible for DH too. I just wish he would finish a job. He is driving me mad.

OP posts:

Katisha · 06/04/2010 16:02

Taking the mickey sadly, if he is highly organised at work.
You have to let him deal with the consequences. No dinner if there is no food, library fines if books not returned. Don't let him turn you into his mother.

Katisha · 06/04/2010 16:03

Original poster

MrsDermotOleary · 06/04/2010 16:05

But dinner is for the dc's too and I don't want them to suffer just because he can't organise himself. And library fines would be ok if we were rich enough for it not to matter.

OP posts:

BuzzingNoise · 06/04/2010 16:05

YABU. Men shouldn't be allowed to think for themselves. It always ends in disaster.

Slartybartfast · 06/04/2010 16:06

dh put wwwwwwashing up liquid in the w/m, many years ago, have not trusted him since.
if he takes a dc out, i have to get them ready.and all that entails.
pathetic

Katisha · 06/04/2010 16:06

So you are always there to make everything work...he has no reason to bother then does he?

Original poster

MrsDermotOleary · 06/04/2010 16:08

Slarty, that's why I left the drawer open, otherwise he would have poured more powder in. The man invents machines for a living, tis unbelievable.

OP posts:

minipie · 06/04/2010 16:14

Ok, seems like he thinks of his work as his responsibility and all home stuff as yours.

If you make some of the home stuff always his responsibility to deal with, perhaps he will (a) think of that more as part of his "work", so be more careful about it and (b) get better at it as he's had more practice ...

for example perhaps you could agree that the laundry should always be his responsibility? (so either he always does it, or if he needs you to deal with it sometimes, he has to ask you specifically in the same way you'd ask him)

does that make sense?

of course this may be wishful thinking anyway but worth a try

JazzieJeff · 06/04/2010 16:16

I don't know. My DH is pretty good most of the time, but if I don't tell him specifically what to do then it won't get done; i.e. he won't clean the bathroom without being told because I just don't think he sees that it needs doing tbh. That said, leaving the kitchen to flood? I agree with Katisha; he needs to have to deal with the consequences. Next time he turns up with really inadequate groceries, let him pay the price. Tell him the truth 'there's absolutely nothing I can make with this that is edible'. If he argues or get defensive just say 'well obviously, you're the culinary genius here. Crack on, then'. And leave him to it.

cocobongo · 06/04/2010 16:16

How about you stop doing things for him? For example, let him wash his own clothes. If he doesn't, then he'll run out and soon find out how to do it himself. this bullshit about not knowing how to do things around the house and messing them up accidentally on purpose is just so that you end up doing everything.

Shaz10 · 06/04/2010 16:17

Sounds good to me. Stop treating him like one of the children and he'll stop acting like one.

Original poster

MrsDermotOleary · 06/04/2010 16:18

Sounds great minipie but he works away often, sometimes at very short notice. He's going away tomorrow til Sunday and can be away for up to 2 weeks at a time. Sometimes he's away for a few nights, home for 24 hours then away again. It's the nature of his job and can't be helped.
Am feeling exhausted and overwhelmed, especially now spring is coming and the sun shows up all the dust

OP posts:

QuintessentialShadow · 06/04/2010 16:22

You must be married to my husband!

He has btw decided to revolutionize laundry.
He has asked that we get ONE laundry basket for each type of laundry, so that it will be easier for HIM to contribute to this aspect of home life.

I asked him: "so how many baskets will there be, and what sort of "wash" will they each contain?"

He looked at me blankly. "uuhhh, dunno?"

TheDailyWail · 06/04/2010 16:23

My DH regularly asks me "So how do I cook/take this?" when holding the box of food/tablets.

My response:
Put it on for 80 hours, gas mark 100
Take 20 - that will cure it
Although my most common response is#

READ THE BLOODY INSTRUCTIONS, THEY'RE IN YOUR HAND.

mazzystartled · 06/04/2010 16:23

Is he particularly stressed/tired at the moment or just having a spell of being particularly lazy?

I can't help think though that you are allowing him to behave like this. The way you set up the washing thing was a bit like a mum with a teenage boy.

I think you need to have a chat about shared responsibility and feeling taken for granted.

Library fine is his problem. Leave it to him to sort. He prob got defensive because he knows he's been a bit rubbish.

compo · 06/04/2010 16:28

This is why I go away for girlie weekends - dh has to manage
he did once forget to give two yr old ds any tea but that's one time in six years

Original poster

MrsDermotOleary · 06/04/2010 16:28

Mazzy I didn't set up the washing for him to do as such, I was loading the machine and asked if he had anything else to go in. I didn't want to wait by the machine while he went to sort his clothes out so I left it ready to go. I set it to the temp I needed for the stuff that was in there as I don't need the extra hassle of shrunk or dyed clothes. It's not like I was spoon feeding him, I had it all ready anyway.
Next time I'll just switch the bloody thing on instead of asking.

OP posts:

Katisha · 06/04/2010 16:30

In which case you will perpetuate the whole thing.

Either you have a proper talk to him about it all or else you carry on doing it all and feeling matyred. And knackered.

AliGrylls · 06/04/2010 16:31

Maybe it is because he has a high stress job that at home he expects everything to be stress free, particularly if he is not a person tnat naturally enjoys being an organiser / manager.

I think to a certain extent I would cut him some slack at home although I can imagine it would be irritating.

Original poster

MrsDermotOleary · 06/04/2010 16:31

Compo girlie weekend sounds great idea. Am not able to plan ahead too far because of dh's work, but I think I might book him for a weekend soon...

OP posts:

MissWooWoo · 06/04/2010 16:32

what is this job that he does that is both high powered and manual?

Batteryhuman · 06/04/2010 16:34

"But you didn't tell me" will be on my DH's gravestone, underneathe the bit about him having been bludgeoned to death by his wife and her succeeding with a justification defence.

Original poster

MrsDermotOleary · 06/04/2010 16:37

I think his job is very stressful and he makes a lot of decisions, maybe he doesn't want the responsibility at home. I think I will back off and leave him to it as much as possible. I've tried many times to talk about it with him, all he ever does is get defensive and throw the "I'm the main bread winner, I pay the bills" at me when I suggest he take more responsibility.

I know I need to stop being so precious about things, I just worry the dc won't get any dinner/clean sheets on bed, or get to nursery/preschool/music on time or with all the stuff they need. Still, maybe it's because I've been the main carer since they were born and am in a solid routine. He is still learning.

OP posts:

Original poster

MrsDermotOleary · 06/04/2010 16:39

at MissWooWoo! He does have forearms of steel! That's the only reason I let him still live here
He is head of engineering for a big and well known company.

OP posts:

Katisha · 06/04/2010 16:42

I don't like it when the woman is shouted down because she earns less. You are bringing up the children that belong to BOTH of you.
OK so divide up the tedious chores, but don't justify your exclusion from them on the grounds that you "pay the bills" if your wife is also exhausted.

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