AIBU to think DH could think for himself sometimes?

[MrsDermotOleary]

DH is in a pretty high powered job involving a lot of decision making and manual labour. He is very thorough and has an excellent reputation in his business. He is regularly headhunted and never out of work.

However, at home he is just so different. I work two part time jobs, he works full time but erratic times and is away a lot. I juggle my jobs around the kids nursery (they are 2&4) and DH being at home. I am at home more than him so I do more housework, fair enough. But I am sick of having to look after him as well as 2 dc. For example, I loaded the washing machine and asked him to fetch his washing down and switch the machine on. I left the door open and the drawer open too so he could see I had put the powder in. So DH gets his washing, switches machine on. Later I got into kitchen and floor is flooded. He left the drawer open because "you didn't tell me to close it"

He goes shopping and asks me what we need. I make a list through the week as I notice we've run out of something. If I don't give him a list he will come home with random food, nothing to make a meal with. He will take the kids out but won't take nappies/wipes/drinks because he assumes I will pack them. Then he spends money on snacks/drinks/nappies which tbh we can't afford.
Lately he has taken books and a dvd out of the library on the dc's cards and not told me. Then I get an email saying they are overdue and he gets all defensive saying that I should have asked him. Wtf?
Am struggling to cope with work and 2 dc's, I really don't need to be responsible for DH too. I just wish he would finish a job. He is driving me mad.

I used to earn more than dh but had to give up my job when I had my first dc. DH's job means I have to be flexible to look after the kids at short notice. They both go to nursery one day a week but can't afford more than that at the moment.

That is so annoying. I can't offer any advice in general, DH is very self sufficient and the looking after goes both ways.

He used to be useless about sorting DS out though, never knew what he needed or anything. He bought himself a 'Dad bag' about 8/9 months ago and it has been brilliant. He takes it whenever he goes out with DS, and often when we are all out together. He has wipes, nappies, a spare cup, spoon and fork, a colouring book and pencils and a bib in there all the time.
It has been a revelation, and it's so nice not to have to scamper round after him thrusting things at him because he's about to head out unprepared.

You are NOT BU to expect him to think for himself.

But you ARE being unrealistic to hope that he will.

They are all like this, I blame the mothers.......

(note to mothers of boys, teach them to do domestic shite, then their wives/girlfriends won't be having this whinge on MN in 20 years time.......)

Him throwing the breadwinner line at you is completely out of order. DH has never said anything like that to me and I think that if he did it would be close to being a dealbreaker.

Besides, you work aswell so even more reason for housework and jobs at home to be shared.

GreenMonkies - DS is only 20 months but he already knows that he needs to wipe the bath when he's been in it (he gives the sides a little rub with his facecloth before he gets out), and unloads his own bowl and plate from the dishwasher

i think greenmonkies is right about mothers!

MIL still runs around after dh when she comes to stay.
dh is just as incapable of reading instructions on food packets/medicine, working the washing machine etc.

i asked him to make ds a peanut butter sandwich yesterday,

"how do i do that???"

is scraping a bit of p/n butter on bread really beyond the capabilities of a 33yo man???

Yep, could be my DH too.

Two first class degrees, engineering career, can fix most things if he puts his mind to it, cleverer than I care to let on.

The number of times he's pottered into the kitchen for a snack whilst I'm in a different room or on a different floor and he shouts over 'Where's the... Xxxx?".

YOU'RE LOOKING IN THE BLOODY FRIDGE, I'M DOWNSTAIRS, WHY DO YOU NEED ME TO TELL YOU THIS?!?!?!?

I don't let it go tbh. When he had a spectcuarly useless phase re putting in washing/helping do washing/putting away, I either didn't do any of his, or just dumped all the clean stuff in a big pile on his side of the bedroom, so he HAD to deal with it. Worked quite well (bar the shouting).

Tbh, my DP is as lazy as any other man and it generally is much less stress for me to do stuff myself, but then he would never do anything and I end up feeling exhausted and put upon. So I have to make him do stuff even if he does it badly just to even things up and make sure he does something around the house apart from mess it up!

My brother has the trick of doing something so badly that he never gets asked to do that thing again, I know for a fact that he does it deliberately and it's worked with both my Mum and my SIL!

It really depends on whether you are prepared to deal with the hassle of making him help out or just do it yourself for an easy life....

On second thoughts that might have been a massive generalisation about the laziness of men in my first paragraph!!!

"I'm the main breadwinner" is a load of old shite and you should stamp on that pretty damn quick. Yes, if you're not working quite as much as him, it's not unreasonable for you to do more of the chores at home, but... if he takes on a chore, for whatever reason, he should do it right. There is nothing more pointless than offering to do something and then doing it badly but trying to use the "well fine, do it yourself then" excuse.

If he's going shopping he takes a list or he takes responsibility for thinking about what you may need. Bear in mind that he may have a different idea to you about what's needed, but if that's the case - make him do the cooking or at the very least tell you what he thinks the DC should be eating tonight from what he's bought. Otherwise, he can bloody well go out again and buy something appropriate and if that's a bit tiring for him, tough.

I was going to post almost exactly the same question!!............ My dp has driven me mad this morning. We have both been at work all weekend and are going away tomorrow for a few days. I have a million and one things to do........... washing, ironing, cleaning, cooking, packing and popped out to get a couple of last minute bits. He had an hour and half, kids all had a asleep and all he managed to do was wipe the work top down in the kitchen. Only one side of it though as the other side would've meant moving things!! His excuse was that he didnt feel like doing anything!
He's happy to do stuff..... he cooks, washes up well loads the dishwasher, he'll clean. I'm just so fed up of asking and having to ask. Do they just see things differently to us? He can never see things that need doing. Usually I'll have to ask several times before it gets done too.
He volunteered to pay the phone bill......
The day before it was due I asked him if he'd paid it? No, I'll do it later.
Next day? Oh I forgot I'll do it in a minute.
Next day? I know. I'm gonna do it.........
I may as well have done it myself........ I dont want to be a nag....

I used to work in a men's clothing shop. I was shocked by the number of men I saw who had cut the apron strings with their mothers, only to head straight into very similar relationships with their wives. Couldn't even pick out a shirt without full instructions and their wives to make sure they didn't get it wrong.

My husband lived on his own for 10 years before we moved in together. I think it shows. And helps, because Domestic Goddess I ain't.

Certainly you should make him take responsibility for certain jobs, but I do think you ought also to tell him the expectation.
So, "if you're going to do the shop, then it's down to you to make the list. I won't be able/prepared to cook a meal if you bring home bits and bobs, in which case you'll have to cook." At least then he's forewarned It then becomes "his" task and he can manage it as he would something at work.

Annoys me, this "breadwinner" nonsense. You both spend your time in running your family life, be it earning money or caring for the children and home. Equally important, really.

Aaaargh...why do we allow grown men to act like children??? My DH would do all of the aforementioned stuff, but I have absolutely, positively NEVER accepted this crap! It's ridiculous. Seriously, these men are expecting you to be their mothers...don't do it anymore. If you make the excuses like "we can't afford for him to mess up groceries, pay library fines, ruin clothes in the laundry", then you will have your lovely children AND your husband to raise. They are GROWN UPS FFS!!!!

Sorry...but I just hate that it's okay for husbands to be bumbling idiots and their wives just roll eyes and laugh about how silly they are, then do 10 times more bloody work than they need to.

My pet hate is when DH holds up an item of children's clothing and asks "Is this dirty?"....

YOU'RE THE ONE HOLDING IT!!!

I have returned to work after being a SAHM for a number of years. Had to have a serious 'things change or you go' type chat with DH about division of chores etc (not childcare as I work less and have irregular hours so easier for me to sort).

DH has taken over responsibility for all the laundry and for doing the main grocery shop (albeit online!). I do all other housework although we share cooking.

I think the key to making it work is finding something that can be taken over completely but if it's not done won't impact on anything else iyswim. Hand over the responsibility as well.

It is working at the mo - watch this space . . .

OP, don't know what to advise really - I could have written your post myself. But YA definitely NBU.

I sometimes wonder whether men genuinely believe that women have a special gene that gives them the magical ability to know how to do all this sort of domestic stuff - their warped reasoning being that they don't possess it, thereby excusing them from any need to just grow up and learn to act like responsible adults.....

A new thing I learned is the art of admitting (or pretending) ignorance.

"Are the kids hungry?"
"I don't know"
"Well, why don't you know?"
"Why don't you?"
"But you're their mother!"
"But you're their father!"

"Does this need washing?"
"I don't know"
"I can't tell if it's clean or not!"
"Neither can I"
"What shall I do with it then?"
"I don't know, what do you think needs doing with it?"
"If I put it in the wrong place, you'll only have a go!"
"I've already told you i don't know where it goes, so how could it be in the wrong place?"

"Is this chicken cooked?"
"I don't know"
"Well, have you checked it?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"Why haven't you? You're the one asking questions about it."

"Have I got any clean socks?"
"I don't know"
"Have you washed any?"
"I can't remember. I don't think so. Didn't you?"
"But you do the washing!"
"I do the washing that is in the washing basket, I don't keep a mental record of each item."
"So where will my socks be?"
"I don't know. Why don't you have a look for them while I make some tea?"

Keep it light, keep it pleasant, and keep it insistently uninvolved with things they should be organising themselves.

Coldtits - I'm loving your technique - I'm going to start using that.

I agree that it helps for people to have their own jobs-my dh does his and dcs ironing and I just don't touch it.
We have had this system for a while and to start with he would get up each day and iron each persons's things for that day only! What a pain for him and me because he would always be ironing in front of the work surface I was trying to make packed lunches at.
After about a year he has finally realised it is better to do a big pile at the weekend. He had to learn this for himself.
The point is if when you start out living together and your partner makes a mistake domestically he/she will not learn from it if you swoop in and take over. Everything from nappy changing to cooking; honestly you have to let them learn from their mistakes.

Once (pre DCs) I got so pissed off with the fact that I basically 'managed' all the domestic side of our lives that I went on strike without saying anything. I thought 'how long will it be before he notices that there's no loo roll/the washing up he's left hasn't been done/the bath's grimy etc etc before he does something?' The place really did get disusting but I held off. Then my MIL came round and bollocked me about it!! I said 'it's your son's department from now on, or should be, 50% of the time'. It had quite a good effect. He really improved. Not sure if she had a word, or he was shamed by it.....I still get pissed off with the fact the domestic side of life is treated as though I'm delegating what is essentially 'my' role, but at least DH does stuff without complaint. I just wish he would sometimes take the intiative so that it didn't feel like I have to say 'could you...., would you.....?,' It's so tedious. I don't want to be his friggin mother. Vent over [relax]

Jerin, your dp sounds exactly the same. I feel just as you describe, dh does help but I am so sick of having to ask him. He never sees that the bathroom is filthy or the fridge is bare.
Wow, am so glad I'm not the only one. Some great advice on here, thanks for that. I'm going to relax a bit and not jump in to help him. He needs to learn from experience. I guess I've been learning since the dc were born and I think tbh I care a lot more than he does about "getting it right". There must be some kind of happy medium where he makes more of an effort and I have a little less to do.

I suspect this thread is now, ahem, resting, but just had to add that I stand in awe of Coldtits technique. It's truly magnificent!