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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be utterley furious with XFIL??

67 replies

macdoodle · 02/04/2010 21:47

DD's with their father today, they go out for lunch with his parents.

DD1 is 8 (nearly 9) she is gorgeous And healthy, and fit and active, she has a small little puppy fat belly (I think she is starting to change shape for puberty)

She is however, one of the tallest and biggest in her class, and thanks to the bloody culture today, is already aware and self conscious of her body shape, and needs lots of reassuring that she isn't fat

Am very aware of increasing rates of eating disorders in pre teens (am a GP), and spend a lot of time building her self esteem and confidence, and reinforcing healthy lifestyle rather than food=fat

She comes home from her dad, and we head off to visit family, she is very quiet, then blurts out "mum am I fat"
Seems XFIL spent ALL of lunch teasing her about her fat belly, calling her "fatty tum tum", and asking her when she was going on a diet

I reassure her, and look at her to discover she is sobbing her little heart out, she just won't be reassured, takes me all day to try and clear the odious comments out of her head. She is clearly upset that someone she loves believes she is fat, she is adamant he meant it and wasn't just teasing
Seems XMIL and XH finally stopped it when she burst into tears

God I am so bloody angry I could go round there and rip his head off and stomp on him, what on earth was he thinking, I alreaday have issues with them, but this is close to the final straw

PS Am opening my profile for a bit pics of DD1 on there in a min just in case anyone thinks I am deluded and she is massively obese

OP posts:
FiveGoMadInDorset · 02/04/2010 21:50

Can't see pics but regardless of what she looks like that is just so awful of him. Di your ex not say anything. I would say something to hom though.

ilovepiccolina · 02/04/2010 21:51

They are insensitive idiots. However, they no doubt weren't doing it to be spiteful, and didn't realise that she would take it so hard. They should have known that 'fat' is something that girls think a lot about. But they didn't. Hopefully they now realise that this isn't something they can joke about with her, and so this will be a one-off. I know that they've undone some of your good work, but personally I would leave it.

CMOTdibbler · 02/04/2010 21:51

YANBU in the bloody slightest. How cruel would you have to be to do that to a child ?

Firawla · 02/04/2010 21:51

yanbu!!!! that is really wrong of him to tease her like that, i suppose he probably did not mean offense but just has no tact? i would be very upset in your position though or your daughters position, your poor dd that is really not nice
i think you do need 2 have a strong word with him and make sure nothing like this happens again from them

ScaredOne · 02/04/2010 21:52

I could't see the pictures but since you are a GP I really believe you do know the difference between obese and not!

I don't know what to say, this is so shocking! How can a grown-up man be so rude and absolutely inconsiderate? I am sorry that I can't be much help but I would be tempted to call him and tell him what I am thinking.
If he is not willing to apologise and tell her he was just joking I don't think I would be ok with her going back. Little girls (or kids in general) do not need to be exposed to people who treat them like that

TeamEdward · 02/04/2010 21:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

carolondon · 02/04/2010 21:55

That is awful. I told my dad off recently for an offhand comment about putting on weight in front of my 11 year old niece. Think he was a bit taken aback as he wasn't really suggesting that she was fat but having struggled with my weight for years i know how hurtful comments could be and i know she is quite body conscious. (she isn't fat at all by the way but she is hitting puberty)
I would definitely ask ex to have a word but if he made her cry he must know he was out of order. I think an apology at the very least.

WorzselMummage · 02/04/2010 21:55

Yanbu

how vile and thick are some people. Your xfil is an idiot.

I think if I were in your shoes I'd have to phone and rant.

wukter · 02/04/2010 21:56

That's terrible - YANBU. Anyone knows how conscious young girls are about their body shape.
If I was you, I would massage the truth a small bit. You said you think she is changing shape for puberty - I'd make much of it, how it's one of the first signs in many people, how exciting that she will soon be growing up. Only you know if that'd work, but often girls of that age are desperate to be teenagers.

FIL would be getting the sharp edge of my tongue though. It's just basic manners not to poke fun at anyones body shape.

mesobitchy · 02/04/2010 21:59

Your poor DD. What a total idiot your XFIL is.

Odd what some people feel is acceptable to 'joke' to children about.
Don't suppose he makes those remarks to his female acquaintances, wifes' friends...?

I hope you manage to reassure her, haven't seen pics, but as ScaredOne says, as a GP, you would know if she was obese!

Macforme · 02/04/2010 22:02

I'd be absolutely livid... and I'd make sure that XFIL knew it...
Even without the issues that surround every girl these days about size, XFIL was tormenting your DD til he made her cry... at best that is horribly insensitive (if we assume he's a bone headed idiot) at worst, very cruel.

I have a daughter with bulimia, and her issues started with casual off the cuff comments from people who should have known better....

XFIL needs an absolute bollocking

rainbowinthesky · 02/04/2010 22:03

What a twat. WHen ds was younger my bil used to tease him about having puppy fat. I talked to him several times about it as ds was already self conscious but he was fuckign clueless. We avoided.
Of course ds is now 14 and lovely and slim.

iwasyoungonce · 02/04/2010 22:04

What a f*ig arse your XFIL is. Some people just have NO IDEA how to deal with/ speak to children. I abhor this kind of bullying which is dressed up as "teasing". I would definitely be having words if a grown man - her own grandfather FGS - had made my DD cry. Your poor liitle girl. I can't see the pics either, but I am certain she is beautiful.

Eglu · 02/04/2010 22:07

I hope he feels incredibly bad that he made her cry, and it makes hime think twice before being so stupid in the future.

Your poor daughter.

lockets · 02/04/2010 22:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
macdoodle · 02/04/2010 22:14

Thanks all, I have issues with XH and his parents, so actually wondered whether I was over reacting

The fact that he teased her till she cried is bad enough (yes its bullying plain and simple, but his son is a nasty bully so no surprise there). DD1 is actually pretty confident happy girl, quite slef assured, and it takes a lot to make her cry so it must have been pretty relentless

And to tease a young girl about her weight

We have had a long talk tonight, she has cried again so not like her I have talked to her about puberty, and redistributinng weight, but she seems so down

I have issues with XIL's and already limited the time they have with girls, I dont speak to them !
I have already texted XH in strong terms about what happened, unfortuntaly I cant stop him taking them there when he has them, luckily he doesnt have them that much

Photos should be open from this one I think !

OP posts:
TheCrackFox · 02/04/2010 22:15

YANBU.

Give me his address and I will rip his head off for you.

Katisha · 02/04/2010 22:23

ARe you in a position to speak directly to XPILs?

Katisha · 02/04/2010 22:24

or send a note?

Thediaryofanobody · 02/04/2010 22:25

I would actually call XFIL personally so he gets the full message of just how awful he has behaved and just how much it has effected your DD.

chipmonkey · 02/04/2010 22:25

macdoodle, she is lovely! As is your dd2!

The man is as thick as pigshit, isn't he?

I recently tore strips off MIL for telling dh's eight year old niece she needed to diet. What planet are these people on?

cornsilk · 02/04/2010 22:27

He is a tosser and a bully. Your dd is gorgeous. Nasty man.

runnybottom · 02/04/2010 22:29

They are twats. And you should tell them that.

Your dd's look like fine healthy girls! Your pic of dd2 at 13 weeks...shes bigger than my 26 week boy, but thats more about him than her, they are gorgeous!

TheCrackFox · 02/04/2010 22:29

Yes, your DD is gorgeous.

mrsboogie · 02/04/2010 22:30

YANBU or even the tiniest bit over reacting and you know it. Any idiot knows you do not talk like this a a little girl. Ever.

I would rung him up and tell him that if she develops an eating disorder you will hold him solely responsible.

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