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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be utterley furious with XFIL??

67 replies

macdoodle · 02/04/2010 21:47

DD's with their father today, they go out for lunch with his parents.

DD1 is 8 (nearly 9) she is gorgeous And healthy, and fit and active, she has a small little puppy fat belly (I think she is starting to change shape for puberty)

She is however, one of the tallest and biggest in her class, and thanks to the bloody culture today, is already aware and self conscious of her body shape, and needs lots of reassuring that she isn't fat

Am very aware of increasing rates of eating disorders in pre teens (am a GP), and spend a lot of time building her self esteem and confidence, and reinforcing healthy lifestyle rather than food=fat

She comes home from her dad, and we head off to visit family, she is very quiet, then blurts out "mum am I fat"
Seems XFIL spent ALL of lunch teasing her about her fat belly, calling her "fatty tum tum", and asking her when she was going on a diet

I reassure her, and look at her to discover she is sobbing her little heart out, she just won't be reassured, takes me all day to try and clear the odious comments out of her head. She is clearly upset that someone she loves believes she is fat, she is adamant he meant it and wasn't just teasing
Seems XMIL and XH finally stopped it when she burst into tears

God I am so bloody angry I could go round there and rip his head off and stomp on him, what on earth was he thinking, I alreaday have issues with them, but this is close to the final straw

PS Am opening my profile for a bit pics of DD1 on there in a min just in case anyone thinks I am deluded and she is massively obese

OP posts:

dizzydixies · 03/04/2010 09:46

QOD, if SIL manages this can you tell me how please, am a size 22 and would love to be a 10!

QOD · 03/04/2010 09:56

LOL Dizzy - I am a 22/24 so if I find out, I'll share for sure!
(I am just getting fatter and fatter and I am worried I might actually explode soon - all joking aside, it's out of control )

dizzydixies · 03/04/2010 10:43

I'd managed to drop some weight but seeing as I'm now 9wks with dc4 am not sure I'll be going down much from now on either - don't loose heart there are worse things and now the weather is better being active is much easier

BessieBoots · 03/04/2010 10:50

Pissing myself laughing with the SIL going to be a size 10 by her wedding

QOD · 03/04/2010 11:12

If you saw my other thread about her, she's the one who we thought was a lesbian - why you ask? because she lived with a lesbian for 25 yrs.........LOL
She is unique.

RunawayWife · 03/04/2010 14:27

Wow lots of help from your Ex then.
I would stop the visits to the in laws until they can behave, or maybe tell your DD to reply with your ugly but I can diet next time her grandfather is a twat.

MrsVidic · 03/04/2010 15:50

OP I think its excellant how switched on about ED's and you DD. As an ex sufferer myself I think you are right to be so vigilant. It must be very hard for you to have to deal with your ex as he doesn't sound reasonable at all.

If she does get upset about it and her body image- something that worked really well with younger patients (when I was in hospital for annorexia) is taking her to a public placce and people watching. Looking for smiles and correlating it to body weight. Seeing real body shapes on happy people.

MadamDeathstare · 03/04/2010 16:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Joolyjoolyjoo · 03/04/2010 16:22

YADNBU!! I would go crazy at this! I had an uncle who constantly teased me about my weight (I was always tall and not particularly willowy!) I laughed it off, but it really affected me, and I'm sure was one of the reasons that I dieted so extremely at 15 that I was hugely underweight and mucked up my metabolism- all because he couldn't resist teasing me about my thighs. Even today, I am paranoid about my bloody thighs (and weight)

So no- you are NOT overreacting. Comments made at this age do hurt, and can stick. Thankfully you are better equipped to help your dd deal with it than most, and I'm sure she will be fine (no thanks to them though! )

BTW- she IS gorgeous, and not fat at all (but I'm sure you don't need me to tell you that!)

thumbchick · 03/04/2010 16:23

I wouldn't normally advocate this sort of thing but I think in this case it's warranted - try to explain to your DD (who is gorgeous and not remotely fat, ridiculous concept!) that her GPs are going senile and can't see as well as they used to. Because of this, they make rude remarks without caring if they hurt or not - she mustn't believe them because they are as mad as a box of frogs.

Did I get that your XH was joining in with the ritual humiliation teasing? Disgusting behaviour. You can't blame that on senility - have to think of another disorder there. I take it you don't rubbish your X in front of your DD.

God I hate people who do this - I really hate it as well when they say "it's only teasing, she should be able to take it" - there' so much truth in the saying
"sticks and stones will break your bones but names will break your heart". name calling and teasing, especially at a young age, can cause serious psychological damage. ARGH!

Now I want to rip their heads off too.

TakeLovingChances · 03/04/2010 17:31

Your poor dd! I can 100% understand why she'd be so hurt and why you want to beat him up for saying that.

I checked your pics - your dd is not fat at all! She's just a normal happy looking child.

Also, I have to say, you look a bit like me!! I saw the pic of you with your dd's and thought that I was looking in a mirror! You are a fine looking lady

DinahRod · 03/04/2010 17:47

Blimey your dd is going to turn heads, think you might have a host of other problems from boys tbh in a few years! She looks beautiful.

My FIL is obsessed by ppl getting fat, esp MIL, despite the fact she is petite and he is the one who is grossly fat. He's another one who takes 'teasing' too far. I would jump down his throat if he made a negative comment about dd's or ds' appearance - but so would dh, which is the difference compared with your dh.

Surely exhb knows that dd looks to him to defend her, not trample over her feelings? Moron.

ilovesprouts · 03/04/2010 17:54

YANBU and i would tell them as well

Miggsie · 03/04/2010 17:58

This isn't "teasing". It is the excuse nasty people make due to their desire to humiliate and belittle others in order to bolster their own self esteem.

I would tell your DD that her GP's are horrible to say this and tell her father that he should not undermine his own daughter in this way.

However, it does sound like the family dynamic there is to be generally horrible.

Miggsie · 03/04/2010 17:59

I would also encourage your DD, that if this happens again to say "I am not fat, and you are really rude."

Igglybuff · 03/04/2010 18:04

YANBU

outrageous behaviour from the xfil.

And even if your DD was fat, which she isn't, he still does not have the right to speak to her like that. Disgraceful.

Horton · 03/04/2010 19:40

Regardless of whether your DD is fat (I don't think she is, just maybe a bit of puppy fat which will disappear naturally in time as she grows up), I don't think it is acceptable for anyone, adult or child, to call another person 'fatty'. I would be having serious words about this. It is not good for anyone to be called names regardless of if they are meant affectionately or not (am assuming he is just thoughtless rather than actively cruel). Can you stop contact if he continues? I would give a clear (written?) warning about this and follow through if he carries on. Your poor DD.

I think the main point is that it would be doubly unreasonable to do this if she WAS fat - so which is it in their minds, IYSWIM, not fat and they are just saying it (why would anyone do this) or fat (and they are risking causing self-esteem issues and eating disorders)? Either way it's very wrong.

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